Hello Dear Isabelle, It has been
awhile and I know you wont judge me but there is something I need to say to
you. Please help me and bring me through to the other side tonight.
If you ask anyone who knows me
they would say a million different things about me, but none would be about the
fact I have been mentally, financially, and physically abused for over five
years. I am not the kind of women
anyone would imagine these things happen too everyday. In fact I am probably the last person they
would think of when someone thinks of domestic violence. I am strong, intelligent, powerful women,
mother, daughter and friend. I belong to
women’s groups, volunteer to help abused children or other women, participate
in non-profit boards for family programs, teach Sunday school, run marathons
for charities, have two degrees and more.
You see I have held onto my secret after the system failed me multiple
times. I took care of my children so
their father could work and make lots of money, yet I will end up with nothing and
die alone one day if my life does not change.
All because I took care of my children so their father could work and
makes lots of money.
Society has a grey area when you
live with a man who makes tons of money, has a large portfolio, and advances
through a powerful corporation. Society
and the legal system won’t help you until you can either produce physical
evidence of the abuse, or hire your own powerful attorney to protect you,
because legal aid and all the other “so called” resources for victims does not
extend past an emergency order in court, you do not get an attorney or anything
more and it wont help people who live with abusers that make a ton of money.
My abuse started back in 2010,
it began soon after the birth of my first child when I needed to stay home to
take care of my son in order for his father to work long hours in a powerful
corporation to make lots of money. Since,
I no longer had a job or finances of my own, their father decided he would
never allow me to again. From that point
on, everything I did went through him and if I didn’t like it I was threatened or
hit. I wasn’t allowed to have an
allowance, I wasn’t allowed to see the bills, and I wasn’t allowed to have
anything in my name. If I needed
something for my child or myself I had to make a list for him to approve. He would even leave town out of the county
and never allow me access to anything. I
was told everyday, how everything belonged to him, he made all the money and it
was his house so I was not allowed to have an opinion about how his money was
spent.
Soon things escalated because
reality is no ONE should live this way and anyone would be angry if you were
told you couldn’t do, say, or own anything.
However, since I took care of the children so he could work and make
lots of money I had bi where to go and who would believe me? He pushed me into walls, degraded me almost
daily and told me if I tried to leave I would leave with nothing. He was good
at making people like him; everyone was amazed how successful he had
become. A true genius working for a
powerful company earning stock, making money, and buying anything he could ever
want. I cant blame people for liking
him, he knew what to say or do in life, he knew how to hide what he was doing
to me. I never met a sociopath I did not think was charming and wonderful too
at first, but then when no one is watching….
After being hit and trying to
convince the police what was happening for a year I finally filed for a
divorce, custody, and restraining order after five or more incident
reports. It was hard to prove all of my
abuse because I took care of the children so he could work and make lots of money
and nobody new. Nobody understood what
he was doing, and I was not prepared for what I was facing next.
When I filed the documents he
stopped paying for everything, refused to give me money, and started calling my
family to tell them I was crazy. He told
me he would win and I would loose, because he owned everything and had all the
money. I soon learned this was not far
from the truth.
In court he lied about his
income and tired to get away with many things, but I had the tax returns so the
judge did the only ting he could do and granted none harassment or no contact restraining
order since I had no proof of physical abuse.
Legal aid said they could not help me because he made too much money and
I finally found an attorney that I still owe thousands to this day. He hired the best women of course; he paid
well over $40,000 to her to fight and buried
me in paper work, mediation expenses and more.
My lawyer finally left me when the money was gone and my bill was over
$10,000, that I am still paying today.
After fighting so hard for my freedom, a female attorney Yelda Bartlett
filed motion after motion to help an abuser take everything away from me. I
gave up and just agreed to whatever I could get since I took care of my
children so their father could work and make lots of money and had nothing of
my own to fight back with.
Even when I finally found a
part-time job and tired to balance everything, I was expected to continue to
take care of my children so their father could work ten hours per-day and make
lots of money. His job, career, life was more important then mine. What I did had no value in the world. He
worked ten hours a day or more, so I was left with the sick days, the doctor appointments,
and everything. Soon my employer’s
patience and flexibility wore out from my absences and demanding schedule to
care for my children so their father could work and make lots of money. I got fired once, laid off twice, and ended up suing another. I soon was back where I started; his attorney
and his ability to pay attorneys defeated my ability to do anything, I lost
most my child support, and faced eviction.
. I had to go back to him so I could take care of my children and make
sure he did not end up with them. This
was all to make sure he could work, get promotions, bonuses or more stock and
make lots of money. The system wouldn’t
help me, and I could not prove anything without physical evidence so I had a
choice, I could leave my child in his care full time and go to a homeless
shelter or move back in with him under his control and abuse once again. I decided being with my child to protect him
was a better option then to leave him with an abusive man. As a mother I choose to suck it up and take
the abuse, because that is what a mother does when their children need them. We show NO fear, we hold our head high and we
do what needs to be done.
I soon became pregnant again and
was put on disability, and I took care of my children so their father could
work and make lots of money. I endured
the same abuse for years, financial, mental and physical abuse I could not
prove with evidence the law required. I
new eventually this would end badly so I did the only thing I could do, I
created my village, I made sure if I was going to remain silent and endure this
for the years to come for my kids, I would have women in my life to call when
it ended. Honestly, when you live this
way you allow yourself to get comfortable knowing what will happen everyday,
you know what they will say and do, you know everything like it is the movie
groundhog day.
I remained under his control had
nothing of my own, did what I was told, and was even degraded or hit in front of my son regularly. Anytime I tried to speak up I was reminded,
he had the money and owned everything. I
was reminded; how I don’t contribute the way he does and would end up failing in
anything I tried, or just not matter anymore one day. I was told how my opinion and needs where not
important because he made lots of money that I would never have again. I was shoved, kicked, hit, and more for
trying to stand up to him. If I dare try
to discipline my son in front of him he would correct me like I was a child and
tell my son not to listen. He told me I
was a sick person with mental issues for wanting what I did, freedom or an
equal partnership or money of my own was something I did not deserve because I
was worthless. I was treated like a child
and could never be capable of earning money or surviving on my own according to
him. It was his house, his rules, and it
did not matter that I wanted a special type of food or manicure. He did not see it as something I truly
needed, therefore I didn’t, because it was his money and he made the rules.
I soon gave birth to my daughter
after he bought another house that I had no right to, option about, or allowed
to be involved in. He moved me away from
my friends away from the community my son went to school in, because he didn’t
want to pay to live their even though he had over $500,000 in investments and
made well over $200,000 per year. He had
achieved more wealth while I took care of my children so he could work and make
lots of money, yet I would never have anything if I remained in this life with
him. I knew once the kids where older I
would be on the street or worse. Once I
was no longer of use to him.
When my daughter was born in
2014 she had infant seizures that led to her having special needs. She had several
episodes of tonic-clonic seizures and was treated with Phenobarbital. She was
transferred from Hospital of birth to Children’s Hospital, where she remained
in the NICU for four weeks. He medical
history also includes diagnosis of global hypoxic-ischemic event. Her second
brain MRI scan showed symmetrical bilateral focal cerebral edema associated
with diffusion restriction as well as evidence suggestive of cortical laminar
necrosis. To be exact.
I was determined to ensure her success and
spent every moment finding the right specialist, neurologist, and working with
people at the top of their field so I could prevent any developmental delays
that could possibly happen in the coming years.
I continued to take care of my children so their father could work and
make lots of money.
While this was going on, I had
been recovering from an emergency C-section only to find out that six month
later I needed surgery again for cancer cells on my cervix and endometriosis of
the uterus. I had to have a partial hysterectomy
and the day I went in for surgery I took UBER to the hospital because he
wouldn’t even drive me their and didn’t care.
I got my self home after a nine-hour surgery that was supposed to only
be three and tired to sleep. However,
they wanted dinner and I needed to take care of my children so their father
could work and make lots of money. I
ended up having a bad reaction to the medication after the surgery, and woke up
crying when I realized the pain of the fact I would never have another
child. This man came in my room ripped
my daughter (6months old) out of my arms for crying in the middle of the night and
when I begged to have her back he through me into a wall. I gave up again and I knew there was nothing
I could do and needed to limit the risk of being harmed again and have my
daughter back in bed with me.
I got up out of bed the next day
and sucked it up so I could take care of my children and their father could
work to make lots of money, get promotions, and earn more stock for his
retirement. If I tried to ask about my
future or what would happen to me and the kids when he died, I was told it doesn’t
matter because it is his money and I would never have any. He continued to advance at work in his career,
buy classic cars for $20,000 or more in cash and I went further in debt trying
to pay my personal bills with credit cards, loans, anything I could get. The fear of not knowing when he would get mad
next, when I would loose my home and possibly my children because of his
threats became overwhelming. I finally
started seeing a psychologist and taking medication to help with the anxiety
and stress. Once he found out, he took
pictures of the medication bottles and told me it would be used against me to
prove I was sick and unfit to care for my children. I was remind again and again I was powerless
and had nothing or no where to go because I take care of my children and he
works to make lots of money. Someday I
gave up all hope of ever having financial independence, but the idea or fear of
having my daughter around this type of man was more than enough to keep me
going. I did not want to continue a
pattern and ever have her go though what I have for years.
I continued to focus on my kids
and my daughter’s development. By the
time she was a year and a half she was almost on track with where she needed to
be and the fear of possible permanent issues were starting to lift. Not over but starting to lift… It was now a proven fact in my mind this
would be apart of my freedom and future one day. Sharing my experience or resources, and
advocating for children like her to get the
help needed in life. Movement,
fitness, music, and interaction or monitoring with the right development
specialists had given me a miracle. My little Heroes that fight and win everyday.
I had now been out of work for
years, I had zero references, zero work history and had been trying to get a
job, working from home, anything I could.
However, how do you work when your schedule and demands of your children
are left to only you? I asked their
father for help and he said it was my job to care for the children so he could
make lots of money work ten hours a day and he would not help me. I begged for money to pay my bills, or at
least pay me something since I had given up so many years to care for my
children so he could work and make lots of money. I was told there was no value in what I did,
since I really didn’t do anything. I was
starting to give-up again and decided I wouldn’t do anything for him anymore. I stopped doing his laundry, stopped cooking
his meals, stopped keeping his schedule, and stopped helping him with most of
his personal needs. I set up my own room
got a lock for the door and made it clear I would not stand for this treatment
anymore. BUT… I just got threatened and tossed around some more.
I had used all of my savings to
buy a car he wanted and allowed me to drive that remained in his name. I had applied for over ten jobs a day for two
years with zero results. What could I do
without references or work history? I
wrote resumes for people on Craig’s-list, obtained a group fitness instructor
certificate, tried to work and apply for fitness jobs, but again I had to take
care of my children so their father could work and make lots of money. My daughter would never go into full time childcare,
and her father would never pay for it anyway.
I finally stopped looking, I finally stopped talking, I isolated myself
from friends, I just worked out, went running, and I took care of my children
so their father could work and make lots of money.
After multiple calls to the
police after being hit or abused physically the PD finally showed up intime to
see my face beaten November 2015. This time he hit me while I was holding my
daughter, and before he could force me to put ice on it I got pictures and the
police saw what happened to me. When the
officer said “will you press charges”, I looked at him and then my kids and
said “how can I, I have no money, nothing is in my name and if I do, I loose
everything?” The officer said I was not
alone in this situation and that they would arrest him anyway because they
finally (over five years later) had the physical evidence needed to arrest
him. He was released as quickly as he
was arrested. He made bail before he was
booked. He came home and said nothing,
didn’t even apologized, it was like all the other times, because he always acted
like he never did anything wrong. I took
my kids and brought them in my room to sleep with me since they witnessed yet
another beating. I then did as I was
trained to do and took care of my children so their father could go to work and
make lots of money.
I was at the point in my life
where I didn’t exist on paper, I had used all the credit I could to survive and
pay student loans, my personal bills,
cell phone, and anything I needed personally like soap and deodorant. I am at the point where the house of cards
was coming down and had to beg for money from him. My cards are maxed, my life
is stressful enough and here I am begging the man who beats me for money. He
told me I could have more money if I wrote to the District Attorney to drop the
charges and misdemeanor for domestic violence against him. I refused as I realized my life was over and this
would never change until I did something.
It was like a light switch went off and I no-longer had anything to
loose. My credit was screwed, I would
probably never work again even with a 15 year career and two degrees, and here
I was still.
The next day CPS called and had
been notified of his arrest. They told me I needed to bring in my children so
they could make sure I was doing what was needed to do to protect them or they would be taken from
me. I was told their father had to leave
or I had to take my kids to a shelter with me.
I was in shock!! I had nothing I
said to her, what to you mean?? My kids and I are supposed to suffer and be
uprooted and could loose their mother over an abusive man because I took care
of my children so their father could work and make lots of money. I called legal aid and they said he made too
much money and could not help me and then that there were just not any attorneys
available for Family Law. I called the
District Attorney office, then was sent to the victims help center, then they
sent me to the police department, who then sent me back to legal aid, who then
told me again they cant help me, and then sent me to the family court house to
talk to the help desk about how to file paperwork on my own because I could not
afford an attorney and I took care of my children so their father could work
and make lots of money. I had no money
of my own, was a great mother, and sacrificed for this man while he beat me for
years and I don’t get help but he could get all the help he needs?? The system is more than broken if this is how
they treat mothers in my situation.
I finally spoke to CPS after
they lied and went to my sons school to talk to him without my knowledge, and
then told me I would be held accountable if I didn’t do something more to
protect my kids. I was scared and had no
help, so I took my kids somewhere safe to be removed from the situation out of
the reach of CPS and told a few people what happened in case any harm came to
me.
I had been planning for the
worse case scenario for years. I had
been active in my community to make sure I had a circle of support for my
children and me. Their father worked all
the time, so I got involved with church, non-profits and more in case this
happened one-day or their father killed me. I lived with my secret, I smiled
and carried on, I told everyone I was fine and life was great. If their father found out I talked then I
would be homeless or worse and loose my children. This is the way I lived, waiting to die and
be left with nothing. I took care of my
children so their father could work and make lots of money, but the system is
broken and there isn’t any help for someone like me. The court doesn’t believe me with out
physical proof. I cannot leave, when I
have nothing in my name, I am just a mother.
How do I get a job when at any moment you have to leave, or my child has
special needs? I took care of my
children so their father could work and make lots of money and I have zero
ability to hire an attorney or help myself.
Now the system told me I could loose my kids if I didn’t do
something? The system is the reason I am
in the situation!!!
I was mad and at this point used
it to fuel my future. While my kids were
gone I finished two business plans, submitted one for grants and hope to have
the other submitted soon. There is no
point in talking anymore in my mind, it will never change until we change it,
until we (the people) make the laws change.
If I am going to go down in flames, I am going down fighting for my kids
nad the future of women who are abused.
I know I am not the first women
to be with a wealthy man with the ability to hide or lie to the court about his
income while he uses it to control me, threaten me and abuse me mentally or
physically. They system and court are
working to enable him to continue his pattern.
I took care of my children so their father could work and make lots of
money and I get nothing while he hires a great attorney and hides most his
assets claiming he has no money to pay child support. How is this okay or even allowed? I was forced to go back to this man because
no one would help me or believe me. I
had to take the abuse for years in order to obtain evidence the court required
and they still cant send him to jail, because it would leave me and my children
out on the street.
I made calls ten hours per day
and made sure I confronted everyone who told me they could not help what they
were doing to the women and mothers in this world by just saying sorry and
moving on. If no one is willing to
confront the system and scream out loud this IS WRONG!! Then why or how shall
women in this world ever be equal or advance in society? We fought to vote, we fought for equal pay,
why aren’t we fighting for each other anymore.
Why does a women attorney who sits on a city board to advocate for
victims of domestic abuse show up in court year after year and defend an abuser
while she refuses to help the women being abused?
While he is gone and I was home
alone I searched through everything. This
man has his mail sent to separate addresses so I do not see the E*TRADE
statements or bank statements and tax returns, this man hides everything. The good news is I found old mail and a
statement in the trash. When I opened
the E*TRADE statement I cried from what I found. Over the last three years while I took care
of my children so their father could work and make lots of money he was given more
or an additional $300,000 in stock and had cashed out over $40,000 in the last
six months to buy his cars, or whatever he needed. He had been telling me he had zero money,
nothing to give me, nothing to help me. All
this time on top of the bonuses, and salary increases he had more investments,
more money in his 401K and couldn’t even make sure the kids and me where okay
or start a college fund for the kids in case he died? This is what happens to a mother at home, I
was abused and took care of my children so he could be rewarded with years of
success and wealth. If I could I would sue everyone who helped him
and enabled this behavior.
It is devastating to me that my
choice to care for my children and advocate for my daughters future or special
needs has crippled my ability to work. Yet at the same time I would not take
back this time I have had with my kids for anything. If I die tomorrow I at least die knowing I
fought for them everyday. I have nothing on paper; I do not exist in the
real world of adults. When their father
retires and the kids are grown I get kicked out onto the streets after years of
being abused because the system, attorneys and courts won’t help me. They wouldn’t help me because HE makes to much
money for me to qualify for free help, or there is not enough attorneys doing
pro-bono work, or blah, blah, blah, all unreasonable excuses . I can’t rip my kids from school and all that
they know and run away, I would be hunted down and killed by him or the system
would blame me. I also have no money and
nothing of my own with nowhere to go anyway.
I had to take the abuse until I can get the physical evidence or proof the
courts need.
I am heart broken that my
daughter will see her mother treated this way, I am terrified of my son repeating
the pattern of abuse with his family or wife one day. I am in amazement that because I took care of
my children so their father could work and make lots of money I am left with
nothing and NOT supported in a society that worships this type of man because
he works for a powerful company and makes lots of money.
I am at a loss today as I sit
and write this story hoping someone takes notice and does something no matter
how small to make a change in the way we treat mothers. I plan to do everything I can to make a change
in this grey area of the system. I
wonder why if everyone knows about this issue and I am not alone in my
situation then why does it continue? Why
does a female attorney help defend a man to beat me down after seeing the
pictures of my beaten face? Why isn’t
anyone supporting me after over ten reports, restraining orders, and pictures
of my beaten face? Does anyone know why
our system helps these men?
I want to march into court and
say I am here today because of you, the broken system, and the laws. My only
choice was to stay, or leave my children with an abusive man because I have
nothing, no money, and no ability to work with a child with special needs. I took care of my children so their father
could work and make lots of money gain long term wealth in stock or investments
and the system kept me here with no where to go until he beat my face and I
finally have pictures or proof.
The worst part is I have been
alone in this place for so many years I lost hope. I don’t believe in humanity anymore, I
actually think sometimes I did something wrong to deserve this and should just
take the abuse I deserve. I feel grief
over the changes happening in my life that have been thrust upon my children
and me today. I know this is the philological
damage that has been inflicted upon me for many years. Years of secrets, isolation, or pretending
its all okay so he doesn’t get angry. I
have gotten to the point if a man hugs me I shutter, if a man shows attraction
towards me I have a panic attack. I can’t
enjoy affection anymore but need to be hugged desperately. I smile everyday and say nothing; I carry on
in my perfect world with my workout routine, my kids and hide all the
pain. I shove it down and lock it away
from my kids. I don’t cry anymore and
don’t understand the reason to tell anyone about it anymore because I don’t
believe it will ever change. I am strong and march on with my head held
high and a big smile because that is what you do as a mother, and that is part
of the sacrifice I choose to make when I became a mother. I chose to keep them safe, never leave their
side and I take care of my children so their father can work and make lots of
money, while I feel nothing but PAIN.
Then the light came through, and
the day has arrived, they charged him with a misdemeanor, two counts battery,
one count domestic violence and violation of a restraining order. Yet now my journey has just begun, become
more difficult, and will be finally free to breath. The next day my MOM strength kicks-in, he has been removed, I
am now legally protected from him but the real fight begins. Since he financially controlled me, I have to
spend two days in court houses writing and filing emergency modifications to
child custody, ask for emergency funds, child support, extended restraining
orders, modified orders, property protection, and so on. I literally file two phone books worth of
forms and declarations with attached evidence.
I still have zero money to feed my kids, or anything to live and their father
still claims he has no money to help the children everyday. I have
panic attacks as I do laps around the county offices to make sure I am doing
everything to get emergency assistance for my kids and me, while protecting us
from this man. I also must carry on like
nothing is wrong, keep the regular schedule and make them feel like nothing is
wrong. I smile at moms. I fear
the fact at any moment I could be homeless since nothing is in name. I am not sleeping well to say the least and I
am relying on a system that has failed me many times to help me and do the
right thing.
I stop in the silence of my
thoughts and finally realize this secret can no longer be one and I write to
the few women in my life that will help me and come to my aid. With this simple act of speaking out, I am
reassured I am not alone and the only way to re-claim my hope is to speak and
shout my truth without feeling like I am to blame. The support I receive with quit actions taken
to help my family bring my hope back and faith in knowing today is a great
day. Today I have my life and a future
to plan without fear or shame. Yet the
little voice that visits my thoughts reminds me of the reality of what I know
to be true today, the system has failed mothers of our world, the system has
left us alone with our pain. All of the women I know have a story of abuse,
many of them like me had to wait for their moment where the abuse gave the
system proof. Many of them lost time and
time again, to a powerful man with money while they cared for their children
and were used.
I have called national
non-profits, help lines in every county, victim centers, homeless shelters, and
so many more to only hear I am sorry we can not give you legal support in court
to protect you and your children even with everything that has happened.
Today with these words of loss,
pain, and so many negative results I found my future. I will use my story and do what women should
do; I will fight for us all that have been through this kind of abuse. I am writing or finishing my second business
plan soon. I want to bring money to the
women like me, I want them to know that they deserve being represented in court
as much as these men. An Alameda County Non-profit for women or
survivors of abuse. This is lacking in our courts today and is a
needed ongoing resources for women who are financially and physically control
by wealthy spouses. They are able to obtain emergency orders BUT are
eventually forced back to the abuser because he controls money and has powerful
attorneys. I know from my own research Alameda county has zero resources
for this grey area of the system. It is on average above 50% of
Domestic Violence victims return to abuses multiple times because of financial
control and the children end up being harmed in addition to putting their own
lives at risk etc. It is sad that the only option these mothers
have is to run away and hide uprooting their children from their home and
facing more damage or danger homelessness. Especially when their EX has
so much money.... RIGHT?
I want to start a non-profit to raise awareness, money and help
hire private legal counsel for them or fight the laws that govern Alameda
County to prevent this from continuing. The laws regarding
reimbursement for attorney fees to the damaged party should not be as difficult
to obtain in court. The system is truly enabling these abusers.
These women deserve private attorneys and representation in court
to protect them from having their restraining orders modified, or child support
reduced later leaving them again a victim to financial abuse and under the
abusers control. They should have the right to be represented in court years
following the abuse and shouldn't have to pay for it..... This is that one area
in the system that is broken until we (THE PUBLIC) repair the damage. I
have a lot of people and corporations willing to help once I am up and running.
SO now I need to resolve my issues of funds, I need to figure out someway
sometime soon how to set up a crowd-funding page and push the limit on what
needs to be done. With all my extra
time right? Who knows maybe I could help myself and help
others too. All I know is I don’t want
his money, I don’t want him to ever pay me another cent, I want to walk away
with my children and safety, so until then I will fight and have hope.
Thank you Isabelle, for hearing my heart once again, I know you are leading me to you tonight and
pulling me into my next new life.
