End and finding answers/ Current Day 2011

I have spent hour’s maybe days or months trying to figure out why my husband won’t listen to me or talk to me. Why he continues to treat me like a child and degrade me. Why he goes to therapist and everyone but me for the answer to how to fix things. The only thing I can come up with is he doesn’t see me for who I am and the person I am but as a sick child he has to control and take care of his way. He has such little faith in my abilities and lacks basic knowledge of who I am that he thinks I can’t possibly know what I need, want or that I even have the ability to know such things.

I am a 33-year-old women and I have made plenty of mistakes. I have had great jobs, sucky jobs, made close to six figures a year with lavish vacations and college funds for my son and investments in the stock market. I have lost so much and gained it all back. But there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe there never has been, maybe I just needed to struggle to find myself. But who hasn’t and some have more than others, that is what makes us all who we are. I am not like him I will never be and I did not have the simple life he did. But I have acceptance, honesty and the ability to never judge others. My compassion and understanding for those around me is my downfall and my greatness.

SO my marriage is over because my husband can’t treat me as an adult and the person I am. He can’t except maybe I am more than some label I have been given. And he will search for answers he will never find, because he can’t see me. He can’t trust that I have the answers and I know what I need.

Again/ Current Day 2011

This last week had its good and bad. I had time with friends so that was good. My baby is growing and learning more so that is always wonderful.

My husband left again today and said he won’t be back for a while. We fought again about the usual and he said again I deserve to be threatened and hit. He said there is no dealing with me threw $100 bucks for the week at me and left. I am used to his drinking at night and then bullying me during the day then finally he leaves….

I just need the energy to get moving on my plans so I can become employed and get out of here. I am looking for a reseller or Jeweler to try and get rid of some insignificant jewelry. Then putting feelers out so I can find a JOB or go back to school. My husband keeps threatening me that he will take everything in court. What he does not realize is he can’t take anything from me. I have nothing already?? My son is not going anywhere and there is not a court out there that would take a child away from the mother that has raised him for the last year and half. Or at least that is what I would like to believe. It would never make sense for the baby to have to change so drastically because his father wishes it.

I wish I had someone to talk to or somewhere to go right now. But I don’t I have created this mess and need to find my own way out. It is sad but true.

To do list/ Current day

So dreams…

1. Be self sufficient
2. Be healthy
3. Take care of my children
4. Wealth
5. Independence
6. Travel, A lot
7. Be happy
8. Live in the same home forever
9. Never look back


Now how???

Moving forward again/ Current Day

Today I actually finally got some organization completed. I think well when I am busy. I feel better when I am productive.

I am one of those people who believe if you are lucky enough to have things then you should take care of them. This includes relationships. Yes I am a bit of a hard ass who tends to tell others worry about you first. You bet I am…
But when it comes down to it I think you can own stuff or people but it is never really yours unless you take care of it. That’s means you must keep it in a happy, nice working condition. You get to know people and actually want them to have what they need. Not what you think they need but what they really need.
At times this concept is challenging for anyone. It is hard to not agree with friends or family and put aside your own beliefs in order to allow them or help them achieve what they want.
I know this is what separates my husband and me from ever really being compatible. He wants me to want what he does. When I tell him what I want he tells me I don’t need that or I am wrong. He does not take car of me. He may care about me as a thing or something he claims ownership over but he will never take care of me or truly love me. It is the same thing with his car or other belongings he throws them on the floor, never cleans his car, doesn’t’ keep anything in a nice working condition. Therefore these things will never last.
I cannot say if this is good or bad it is not my job to judge him. I just am trying to recognize the issue or differences between us.

It is like being a parent, sure I don’ t want my kids to hate me or be mad at me but sometimes in order to do what is best to care for them you have to deal with people getting a little pissed off. I mean simple things like bedtime and going to school or getting good grades. Not making them wear the clothes you like or making them think the way you do.

I may not have a way out of the situation I am in, but that is my fault. It reminds me of the time I was homeless and had to rely on the “kindness of strangers” as they say. Maybe I was a smuck maybe I wanted to see good in people and ignored the evil of men, who knows?? I was staying with some guy cause I had nowhere else to go. He promised me he was doing me a favor as a friend. I was clear I had no interest in him romantically or otherwise. He promised again there was no ulterior motive on his part. But in the end it was a horrible nightmare like I am in now. He wanted to force me to love him or like him in a romantic way. He demanded hugs or for me to touch him. I refused and he would just make me uncomfortable. He would watch me sleep, take pictures of me and masturbate to them. All kinds of awful things. I got through it and found I way out. I will get through this and find a way out for my son and me.

In the mean time I will just stay and enjoy my time with my baby. He is learning more and we know each other really well. No matter what anyone thinks I am a good mother. Maybe it’s the only thing I am good at.

Just Me/ Current Day 2011

I would do anything to feel something now
I would do anything just for one moment of peace now, a break from you and what you are to me
I would tear myself in two just be free
Contemplating the changes that in time will erase my pain
I am waiting for something that just won’t ever show
Waiting on a tomorrow I will never know
I’m caught in a nightmare that won’t end and I can’t stop the bleeding
Whatever they say about fairytales will never happen now
Never happen for me no matter how much I try to dream
I have tried everything and don’t know how
How to escape and start a new dream
I am silent now
Silently crying in my sleep
I would do anything to feel something now
I would do anything if I knew how
I would go back if I could and erase the blame
Looking at the situation now, I would never have stayed
I would have been stronger somehow
I would have done what I should and leave
Just to be who I was before, just me

Something to feel / Current Day 2011

I thought things were getting better with my husband and they are not. I have to say I don’t even feel anything towards him any more. After he threatened to hit me again, then reminded me I have nothing and nowhere to go. Then changed his story three times of why he said it never even apologizing just made excuses to justify his threats. One time he said I deserve it then he said I threatened his sister, then he said he could do what he wanted it was his house. I am saddens me to say this isn’t going to work. He makes it sound like I have no clue or no memory of what happens. Even the smallest things. For example I told him to please be careful of leaving his bottle caps from the beer he drinks every night around the house. He said I am imagining it and he never leaves them around. Then he will tell me I make it all up because I need something to pick at.???

I will smile and stay calm and remember my life will go on. Like I say I have been through worse and will one day hope to go through better.

He started including the teenager in our fight so I again smiled and walked away. I will admit I am a mean person at times. Some bring this out in me more than others. I have always been honest with the fact I can be vindictive and selfish. But when it comes down to it I am fragile as any one else.

I try to talk to him he bullies me and tell me to shut up even when I am just talking about my day. That he doesn’t want to come home and talk about those things. He has no interest in me being a real person or having the ability to complete my future plans. He is interested in ownership nothing more. So he can own the house the things in the house and me for now. But he will never really have my love or desire to be with him. I told him in the beginning to deal or be with me you must remember life will go on with or without me that my independence is what makes me who I am. This has been taken away, beaten down and bullied.

I am quiet now, with nothing to say to him. I let him fuck me because it gives him a reason to be nice on occasion and makes him feel better. He never notices I don’t enjoy his company. He tries to do little things like buy me a mug or something but he does not even know what I like and don’t like. After three years this man has no clue how to read me or notice anything. I am at loss and tired of trying.

I just hope in the next few years I can find away to be on my own again. Sure for now the kids need me but that will end one day. Maybe in time he can come to terms of the huge mistake we made and let me go.

I am sure I am not the only women in this situation, I am sure there are many like me who stay because they have no way out. I just never thought I would be one of those women. A old friend of mine said he hates seeing me unhappy. I don’t think about happiness. I don’t really care about being happy it is overrated. I just want to feel safe again. I just want to have my own bank account and money to manage or a future for myself. I want to feel something.

Current Day 2011

A life with out direction, no meaning no plan. A life without the answer to who I am. I don’t dream or hope for things to change just wait and wonder when I will be safe again.

I don’t fit in and don’t get along; I don’t feel wanted or have anywhere to belong. They say I will be left with nothing but the bruises he leaves behind and that is the only thing I know I can count on to be all mine.

I wish it would end that the words would disappear, I want the hitting to start so I feel something more than I feel here.
What is left to say about a life discarded away.

Nothing, emptiness, hollow, Or numb are my only words today.

I smile and say everything is fine, I smile and agree they are right and I should be left behind. I smile then say whatever you want is okay. That is all I have strength for today.

Maybe I could be a bit depressed, maybe I could be all they say and the rest. I think I just need something to believe, something to have hope in and someone to be.

I try and remember who I used to be, the person I once was, and the laughter the passion the hope I once did see. I try and hold on to the feeling I used to have, like the one time I was kissed by someone that didn’t make me sad. I try and remember maybe one day I can get it right. But for now I don’t want to try.

I have chosen to stay and can’t blame anyone but me. I have chosen to give up and remain here in misery. I have chosen to be with a man who doesn’t care or believe in me. I have chosen to not fight or find a way out and that’s all I can do so why bother to shout.

Everyone sees me as strong or happy, everyone thinks I can do anything I want. Reality is there is nothing I can do right, I try and fail every time.

My life has been a series of bad choices or mistakes that I make the best of and wish one day will change.

end to being an Auntie/ Current Day 2011

So I thought I would let you know all good things come to an end.

My time with my so called nieces and nephews is over. I guess it is my fault again and Matthew does not care.

I had a hard day today with the baby, my nephew. I was blunt with his mother again and told her I can’t have a creaming child from hunger in my house all the time. I asked her again to please provide me with enough food for him just in case he has a day like today when he is needing more food. She pulled all the kids from my care permanently because she felt offended with my honesty. She didn’t tell me this she is passive and instead lied to my face, she told my husband and then sent me a text messages saying she appreciated my help and did not need it anymore. Why are people so two faced! Why can’t they just be honest with me? Or say what they think? So my hopes and dreams of being an auntie are gone…

I guess I just don’t fit in anywhere. I feel so out of place in my own life. My husband did not defend me of course. I guess it doesn’t matter I have two friends that like me for me, that is more than most people. Maybe one day I will have a family that loves me for me too. Then again who am I kidding some people where meant to be alone. I tired to have family and it never works out because the majority of the world hates confrontation. That is who I am I am confrontational and expect others to be the same with me. I use to think honesty and being this way was a honorable thing. It was honorable to tell people what you think and give them the opportunity to be honest with me. I may spend my life alone because of this trait. I don’t know how to change something I have been since I was a little girl… IT is the only thing I have left. My passion to try and live honestly with others and myself. I hold back so much more these days, I really try to hold it in and not say what I feel or think. But even being half of who I am I offend someone. So this is me giving up and hoping one day to have a different life, because I don’t feel this life is a good fit either.

Thanks for reading.

SO its been awhile.../ Current Day 2011

SO it again had been awhile since I wrote in this journal.

I try and do it but feel I have nothing to say anymore. I love my life most the time, or should I say I feel nothing either way. It is how I cope most the time.

Thomas died February 23rd at 3:05pm. It was one of the hardest days of my life this year. He had complications and he had an aggressive form of brain cancer attack causing severe brain damage within three days. I was there with my granny and his brother as the last breath left his body. There is nothing to say when a 22 year old leaves this world so suddenly and unfairly. He was very special to me and I am not sure how to deal with the loss. I am sleeping more, tired all the time and cranky. Plus the nightmares are back with the grief. I need to go to the gym but really feel displaced from the loss of such a wonderful young man in our lives.

My son is becoming more like his father and I really don’t have much to say about that. He made his decision and there is nothing I can do but let him go. I try and only get hurt more, maybe I will raise another boy (my baby) that will grow up and hate me too. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? If only the older teenager new or listened to me about life once in a while. It is a shame we will have to cut him out of the trust, will and everything. I cannot risk any more damage to this family by his father.

My marriage is better, my husband has shown a large amount of strength through everything and that makes me like him more. We are talking and have been trying to have another child but I don’t see much hope in that. My body is not really showing any signs of returning to normal. I mean I lost all the weight but my hormones and periods are off. I doubt I am even ovulating anymore. So whatever I guess I need to let it go and stop giving him or myself false hope.

I am ok, my husband finally realized I am happier when I have time alone, time at the gym, and have money of my own to spend on myself. WOW! Isn’t he a genius!

Financially we are great, we are almost finished with the second property, investments are OK, and things seem pretty normal. Maybe one day I will be allowed access to the bank accounts so I don’t have to ask for cash like a little child. But I won’t hold my breath. I am just holding out until I can get to school and work again. I guess I am numb and waiting for my life to start again.

I have been helping my sister in law with her kids for a while. WOW I thought I had issues. I told her last week it needs to end now. The 5 month old is still on breast milk and she has refused to allow me enough during the day to feed him so that he is starving when she gets home and still feeds from her boob at night. He cries all the time. I tried to talk to her and put him on a regular schedule since I had him 10 hours a day. You know like the pediatrician and books say… Feed the kids every two hours 4 ounces then some cereal or something and a regular 2-hour nap in the afternoon. He was sleeping at night eating during the day and she didn’t like it because she wants the baby to breast-feed. WTF?? I told her I refuse to not feed him when he is hungry just because she wants to breast feed him at night. She lets him suck on her breast all night. Then expects me to hold him and not feed him very much all day for 10 hours. Sorry I am not qualified to do that for any child when I have a year and half old with me all day too. My kids are more important, and I refuse to have a baby crying from hunger in my house all day.

Maybe I am a bitch and should do what his mother wants, but really she should pay someone to do it her way and I can go back to my kids.

Anyway that is it for now and I will try and write more later but don’t hold your breathe waiting. I don’t…