The last 4 days have been a mad dash.
Saturday the 23rd was a long drive up north to retrieve my baby from his grandparents after dropping him off the day before.
Wednesday before was spent with my sister-in-law and the new baby.
Thursday was spent with my dear friend in the east bay.
Sunday the 24th was a shopping day in the rain and black outs al over the island.
Monday I got to have lunch in the city with my best friend who I love dearly and the baby.
Today will be a gym day. I am feeling normal and like a load has been lifted from last weeks verdict of my diagnosis.
My teenager will be visiting this week so time to prep and time to plan are in order.
The baby is already up and moving and here I am typing away. I need more time, more time to slow down and enjoy. Isn’t that what we all ask for…. Time?
I know from having a child previously that time really flew by and it seems I missed sooo much. He never complains but I know those memories could have been more.
Sometimes I miss being a single mother with just him. We were closer then. But maybe that is because he was still my little boy and now he is my social teenager.
The baby is growing fast and tall like the first. He is very aware of everything but seems to laugh all the time. Different child different momma, and I am busy in a completely different way.
The next few months will be a challenge. Money will be tight, and the holidays are coming on quick.
So I would like to ask the fairies and gnomes my family think cook and clean around the house to please pick up the slack and finish my projects, do all the laundry, and clean, clean, clean…
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sad but true
I went to the meeting last Friday night with the Doctor my husband choose. He said I definitely have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
He met with my husband and me for a while and then with me alone. He is recommending I see a physiologist that specializes in the disorder and consider medication eventually for the anxiety. He told my husband that what he is describing and what I am describing is not a bipolar disorder. That there is a difference between moods and emotion. I have emotions not moods that I am able to control or direct at one person. He said I am very aware of the causes, but need help dealing with my reactions. He also told my husband he thinks he could benefit from some therapy in order to help him understand what he needs to change in his behavior. Then also recommended a vary assertive couples therapist for us to see together in order to mediate our communication. He also said that he believes there are layers to my personality, that I may also be ADD or have something else going on but can’t figure it out without dealing with the Trauma first. However the medication for ADD would aggravate the Post Traumatic Stress, therefore I must start with that first.
Since the doctor specializes in Bipolar Disorders it is rare he diagnoses anyone Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. All of this was explained to my husband. His observation was that my husband is very aggressive with me and forceful at times. He does not think we can last in our marriage with out a good couples therapist regularly that can help heal the issues.
He will type his full report and give me a copy. Which should be interesting.
I would like to scream out, I WON, I WON. But really who is a winner when now my husband is acting like a am broken and staying away.
Sad he had to do all of this and spend all that money just to hear what I already have been telling him.
He met with my husband and me for a while and then with me alone. He is recommending I see a physiologist that specializes in the disorder and consider medication eventually for the anxiety. He told my husband that what he is describing and what I am describing is not a bipolar disorder. That there is a difference between moods and emotion. I have emotions not moods that I am able to control or direct at one person. He said I am very aware of the causes, but need help dealing with my reactions. He also told my husband he thinks he could benefit from some therapy in order to help him understand what he needs to change in his behavior. Then also recommended a vary assertive couples therapist for us to see together in order to mediate our communication. He also said that he believes there are layers to my personality, that I may also be ADD or have something else going on but can’t figure it out without dealing with the Trauma first. However the medication for ADD would aggravate the Post Traumatic Stress, therefore I must start with that first.
Since the doctor specializes in Bipolar Disorders it is rare he diagnoses anyone Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. All of this was explained to my husband. His observation was that my husband is very aggressive with me and forceful at times. He does not think we can last in our marriage with out a good couples therapist regularly that can help heal the issues.
He will type his full report and give me a copy. Which should be interesting.
I would like to scream out, I WON, I WON. But really who is a winner when now my husband is acting like a am broken and staying away.
Sad he had to do all of this and spend all that money just to hear what I already have been telling him.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Making Lemonade
Sometimes in life some things are so damaging that you face them and face the fear of them and then realize you must make the best of the situation.
Is my relationship perfect? Are my children in the best place? Can I be better at what I do and how I deal with my life? No, Yes, Definitely…
It is my job to look at everything after the emotion has cleared and learn how to be better at how I react. There will always be a next and life moves forward with or without my cooperation. SO I learn to recover and make Lemonade. I take steps to rebuild my courage and strength, I never stay in bed and wallow in self-pity. Nothing is so bad that I am unable to go on.
Maybe this doctor can help in a way I am unaware today but tomorrow will be clear. Maybe there is something I am not seeing I need to fix about myself.
I can play the what if game for hours and never get anywhere, or I can live in today and play the cards I have.
Clarity for me is finding ways to make myself comfortable in whatever situation I am in. I am making the best of what I am given. Some of this is through writing about it online, some of it is through doing repetitive jobs around the house. Cooking and cleaning make me feel better. I think it is the familiarity of it all and knowing it will always be the same. Today I feel hopeful and confident things will change. I am starting to open up again to the world and sometimes look out the window knowing I can do anything I want inside or out of it.
Found this poem I wrote again many years ago…
Sometimes the cold gets through to my soul.
Sometimes in a world full of people I am alone.
I notice everything one day and then the next it all disappears. Casual affairs of strangers I know so well. Then I disappear, but was I ever there? I don’t even look twice at the passing of a day.
The sun will rise once again and my hopelessness sometimes will last another day.
I am once again alone late at night.
I am once again talking to myself, talking in my mind whispering in my sleep. Spinning in a dream that place where you can’t ever forget and don’t want to remember.
Sometimes the truth escapes my lips sometimes the past appears at my front door.
I open my heart and the door slams in my face.
I try and sometimes achieve I hope and sometimes succeed. I ask and sometimes change I stand and then fall. To only one day see…
Sometimes I smile to make the pain ok sometimes I never sleep.
Sometimes, is sometimes were I will always be?
Is my relationship perfect? Are my children in the best place? Can I be better at what I do and how I deal with my life? No, Yes, Definitely…
It is my job to look at everything after the emotion has cleared and learn how to be better at how I react. There will always be a next and life moves forward with or without my cooperation. SO I learn to recover and make Lemonade. I take steps to rebuild my courage and strength, I never stay in bed and wallow in self-pity. Nothing is so bad that I am unable to go on.
Maybe this doctor can help in a way I am unaware today but tomorrow will be clear. Maybe there is something I am not seeing I need to fix about myself.
I can play the what if game for hours and never get anywhere, or I can live in today and play the cards I have.
Clarity for me is finding ways to make myself comfortable in whatever situation I am in. I am making the best of what I am given. Some of this is through writing about it online, some of it is through doing repetitive jobs around the house. Cooking and cleaning make me feel better. I think it is the familiarity of it all and knowing it will always be the same. Today I feel hopeful and confident things will change. I am starting to open up again to the world and sometimes look out the window knowing I can do anything I want inside or out of it.
Found this poem I wrote again many years ago…
Sometimes the cold gets through to my soul.
Sometimes in a world full of people I am alone.
I notice everything one day and then the next it all disappears. Casual affairs of strangers I know so well. Then I disappear, but was I ever there? I don’t even look twice at the passing of a day.
The sun will rise once again and my hopelessness sometimes will last another day.
I am once again alone late at night.
I am once again talking to myself, talking in my mind whispering in my sleep. Spinning in a dream that place where you can’t ever forget and don’t want to remember.
Sometimes the truth escapes my lips sometimes the past appears at my front door.
I open my heart and the door slams in my face.
I try and sometimes achieve I hope and sometimes succeed. I ask and sometimes change I stand and then fall. To only one day see…
Sometimes I smile to make the pain ok sometimes I never sleep.
Sometimes, is sometimes were I will always be?
Monday, October 18, 2010
No Talking Just SEX Please
So I am done talking to my Husband for now. He came by yesterday to see the baby, so I made a plan. I needed to get laid and either he was going to be him or someone else. I really would love to think there is nothing complicated about me and sex or physical actions can fix any relationship but whom am I kidding.
I tend to need to release my energy, negative or positive when the emotions are high I need to stop talking and have sex. I felt better after I convinced him of the reasons because he is not the type of man that can put an argument aside and just be a physical person for a while. I guess some people have their emotions or what is going on I the moment attached to their genitals. I do not, and sometimes talking won’t fix anything.
I am not saying sex fixes anything, or things are back to normal by any means. It just helps bring the tension down a little.
Today I am trying NOT to take a nap, even though I really want to be lazy and do nothing. I am trying to start projects around the house. I have been and will be a little anxious about my new doctor meeting later this week. All my secrets have to come out and that is never easy.
So I am making stew, cleaning up and going shopping, which meets my goal for today of leaving the house. I would rather stay home and have a naked day with my husband and not talk, Just Sex please. However I think he may catch on and realize nothing is better just put on hold. Plus he has work and so many other things to do I am sure I could never get him to stay in bed all day.
But I can hope for no talking just sex please….
I tend to need to release my energy, negative or positive when the emotions are high I need to stop talking and have sex. I felt better after I convinced him of the reasons because he is not the type of man that can put an argument aside and just be a physical person for a while. I guess some people have their emotions or what is going on I the moment attached to their genitals. I do not, and sometimes talking won’t fix anything.
I am not saying sex fixes anything, or things are back to normal by any means. It just helps bring the tension down a little.
Today I am trying NOT to take a nap, even though I really want to be lazy and do nothing. I am trying to start projects around the house. I have been and will be a little anxious about my new doctor meeting later this week. All my secrets have to come out and that is never easy.
So I am making stew, cleaning up and going shopping, which meets my goal for today of leaving the house. I would rather stay home and have a naked day with my husband and not talk, Just Sex please. However I think he may catch on and realize nothing is better just put on hold. Plus he has work and so many other things to do I am sure I could never get him to stay in bed all day.
But I can hope for no talking just sex please….
Saturday, October 16, 2010
What to do next
Today was a horrible morning, well except for my baby he is perfect.
I went to the joint therapy appointment with my Husband. It was more damaging than good. He is forcing me to do things I do not want or see the need to do at this point. He actually said I had to see a new therapist and he would have to be there to make sure I did what I am told. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF CONTROLLING SHIT IS THAT!!
You think I was 12 or something. When I said forget it, I want out just let me leave he calls my grandmother to tell on me. This is what I am talking about. My issues are mine, our marriage issues are ours. Not his friends, not my families, I have no privacy, and now he tells on me to my grandmother???? This is not a game, there are things to loose and people that will be hurt besides me or him. I told him that this was not OK, yet it seems there is no fixing it in any way shape or form.
The sad thing is…
I do need a friend or help right now. The nightmares are getting worse and I am having problems going to the store and being around people again. I can’t ask for help, I can’t tell anyone. If I tell my husband he will use the information against me or tell on me to my Grandmother. SO I need to leave, but first I need to find away to leave the house without dealing with people. HAHA!!!
The truth is I just have this horrible habit of isolating when I am hurt or anything. I do not want anyone to touch me or at least anyone I am feeling is unsafe. It does not affect my ability to be a mother or love my kids. They are good kids…. It just cripples me from dealing with most adults. So what to do next…
I went to the joint therapy appointment with my Husband. It was more damaging than good. He is forcing me to do things I do not want or see the need to do at this point. He actually said I had to see a new therapist and he would have to be there to make sure I did what I am told. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF CONTROLLING SHIT IS THAT!!
You think I was 12 or something. When I said forget it, I want out just let me leave he calls my grandmother to tell on me. This is what I am talking about. My issues are mine, our marriage issues are ours. Not his friends, not my families, I have no privacy, and now he tells on me to my grandmother???? This is not a game, there are things to loose and people that will be hurt besides me or him. I told him that this was not OK, yet it seems there is no fixing it in any way shape or form.
The sad thing is…
I do need a friend or help right now. The nightmares are getting worse and I am having problems going to the store and being around people again. I can’t ask for help, I can’t tell anyone. If I tell my husband he will use the information against me or tell on me to my Grandmother. SO I need to leave, but first I need to find away to leave the house without dealing with people. HAHA!!!
The truth is I just have this horrible habit of isolating when I am hurt or anything. I do not want anyone to touch me or at least anyone I am feeling is unsafe. It does not affect my ability to be a mother or love my kids. They are good kids…. It just cripples me from dealing with most adults. So what to do next…
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sometimes its almost normal
So today was a productive day. I went to the grocery store, the book store, the home store and picked up a new rug. I can’t forget my awesome ant spray I bought that a friend recommended. Ants be gone!!! OR something like that…
It was normal and I actually ate lunch with the little guy who came along for the adventuress today. I love my baby, he is completely comfortable and enjoyable on our daily walks. I have been doing a little around the new house to make sure things look and feel like a home again.
I finally agreed to go with my husband to see a Doctor. A Stanford Medical Doctor specializing in anxiety disorders. Let the Witch hunt begin! That is what I am calling what my husband has decided to be the only solution to save our marriage. Blame me and find the reason. I guess I have to find some humor in all this it helps make it easier.
I took time during nap time today to reflect make my notes and prepare. I revisited old wounds because they will be opened and exposed during the 2 hour evaluation I have agreed to for now. I am trying to find a reason to keep this relationship. But find the numbness taking over most the time. I have things to do and life to live, no time to feel sorry for anyone.
Sometimes the day can be whatever I want it to be yet feel like another regular day.
Found a neat thing I wrote years ago….
Fools smile, bar scenes, empty hearts, forgotten souls, corner streets, passing by so quickly, and a freeway of dreams out of reach
I am nowhere to be seen yet reaching out I open my mouth to scream, not a sound leaves
I find myself Forgiving you but never letting the grip loosen on feeling the pain you left me
Will saying goodbye release the end of a fantasy an idea a need
Like a door revolving in circles the smiles and faces fade in and out through the glass.
Going nowhere, the same people in a world spin around me trapped
In and out of places searching for something we all lack, while I drag my heart around, hoping to see you looking back
I walk along the wet cold street as another memory pours out of me and then world starts pushing back reminding me where I am at
Unreachable by anyone, the rush of emotion knocks me to the ground and the air escapes my chest I won’t take another chance. I won’t let you use me or ever let you in
So many tears have come and gone more pieces of my heart have broken from what you never said.
Tell me the passions you can not explain tell me secrets and pain, tell me your dreams just believe that what you say will never hurt as much as when you leave
If I take the time the pain would go away, if I die it will be too late
I can still feel you, smell you, and need you, impressions you left within me never let go
leave me alone while I lie awake and never sleep
Days go by and I know you will forget me
Looking past the sky I feel high becoming blind everyday watching everything change before my eyes
Lay me down lay next take the best part of me listen to my voice watch me sleep lead me away from these things
I awake and now know what I should see,
Every star in the sky speaks the same thing, they can walk in and out but I can never leave with my heart always free without letting go and knowing everything
Shadows change the laughter becomes silent, the last taxi is called
Here I am getting in as my heart falls out of my chest and into the gutter once again saying goodbye
It was normal and I actually ate lunch with the little guy who came along for the adventuress today. I love my baby, he is completely comfortable and enjoyable on our daily walks. I have been doing a little around the new house to make sure things look and feel like a home again.
I finally agreed to go with my husband to see a Doctor. A Stanford Medical Doctor specializing in anxiety disorders. Let the Witch hunt begin! That is what I am calling what my husband has decided to be the only solution to save our marriage. Blame me and find the reason. I guess I have to find some humor in all this it helps make it easier.
I took time during nap time today to reflect make my notes and prepare. I revisited old wounds because they will be opened and exposed during the 2 hour evaluation I have agreed to for now. I am trying to find a reason to keep this relationship. But find the numbness taking over most the time. I have things to do and life to live, no time to feel sorry for anyone.
Sometimes the day can be whatever I want it to be yet feel like another regular day.
Found a neat thing I wrote years ago….
Fools smile, bar scenes, empty hearts, forgotten souls, corner streets, passing by so quickly, and a freeway of dreams out of reach
I am nowhere to be seen yet reaching out I open my mouth to scream, not a sound leaves
I find myself Forgiving you but never letting the grip loosen on feeling the pain you left me
Will saying goodbye release the end of a fantasy an idea a need
Like a door revolving in circles the smiles and faces fade in and out through the glass.
Going nowhere, the same people in a world spin around me trapped
In and out of places searching for something we all lack, while I drag my heart around, hoping to see you looking back
I walk along the wet cold street as another memory pours out of me and then world starts pushing back reminding me where I am at
Unreachable by anyone, the rush of emotion knocks me to the ground and the air escapes my chest I won’t take another chance. I won’t let you use me or ever let you in
So many tears have come and gone more pieces of my heart have broken from what you never said.
Tell me the passions you can not explain tell me secrets and pain, tell me your dreams just believe that what you say will never hurt as much as when you leave
If I take the time the pain would go away, if I die it will be too late
I can still feel you, smell you, and need you, impressions you left within me never let go
leave me alone while I lie awake and never sleep
Days go by and I know you will forget me
Looking past the sky I feel high becoming blind everyday watching everything change before my eyes
Lay me down lay next take the best part of me listen to my voice watch me sleep lead me away from these things
I awake and now know what I should see,
Every star in the sky speaks the same thing, they can walk in and out but I can never leave with my heart always free without letting go and knowing everything
Shadows change the laughter becomes silent, the last taxi is called
Here I am getting in as my heart falls out of my chest and into the gutter once again saying goodbye
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I have been through worse and will go through better
I will go through better and have gone through worse or is it the other way around?
My day started at 1am when my husband came home to fight about the usual. He calls me names I say this is not one sided you know it takes two people to have a problem. Then he goes for it and starts in with you sick and need medication. I say why are you a doctor and have a PHD? He does the usual where he keeps at me, using my kids and past wounds he has heard second hand form others to hurt me. I apologies and tell him again your being abusive and need to try and be open to the fact there are two people involved. He has to take some of the blame I do not fight with myself.
Apparently I am a very intelligent person who has fooled educated doctors into believing I am not mentally ill. Hummmm, Wow I am really good and must be a mastermind manipulator to fool so many highly educated people. By 3:00am I lay in bed and cried myself to sleep until I heard him moving around and trying to take the baby. I told him he needed to go away for a while and that was that.
Back to my somewhat normal day… I went to see a dear friend who helped me talk it out and come to the resolution of what I said before. It takes two people and people say things in anger they do not mean. I still think using my kids to hurt me is wrong and using anyone’s childhood horror story against them is wrong. But I know I am one mean Bitch, so who am I to talk.
I had lunch and spent lots of time with the baby. He was a little traumatized with the yelling and new mommy was unhappy. Funny thought was, if my husband thinks I am so unstable and horrible then why does he leave me with the kids for weeks at a time???
I am calm and happy at home alone for now. I made another appointment to see the therapist on Saturday. This time with the husband present. Maybe some sort of common ground can be found.
I honestly did not believe my husband to be a bad person. I think he is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and life. I know he never had the issues and tragedies I have been forced to carry. Not that I am playing the victim card, because a lot of those experiences where my doing. I made bad choices. But I also got through them and moved forward in my life. I suffered the consequences, with strength and resilience. I am glad I did now but some days didn’t know if the light at the end of the tunnel was a train or silver lining.
I am going to try and work this out. Not that I have many options right now, but I will not be bullied into taking pharmaceuticals to please my husband. What are we in the 1950s? Take your Speed in the morning and Valium at night ladies!
Either way I will try, because I have been through worse and will go through better. But either way no matter what happens my life will go on and I will be just fine.
My day started at 1am when my husband came home to fight about the usual. He calls me names I say this is not one sided you know it takes two people to have a problem. Then he goes for it and starts in with you sick and need medication. I say why are you a doctor and have a PHD? He does the usual where he keeps at me, using my kids and past wounds he has heard second hand form others to hurt me. I apologies and tell him again your being abusive and need to try and be open to the fact there are two people involved. He has to take some of the blame I do not fight with myself.
Apparently I am a very intelligent person who has fooled educated doctors into believing I am not mentally ill. Hummmm, Wow I am really good and must be a mastermind manipulator to fool so many highly educated people. By 3:00am I lay in bed and cried myself to sleep until I heard him moving around and trying to take the baby. I told him he needed to go away for a while and that was that.
Back to my somewhat normal day… I went to see a dear friend who helped me talk it out and come to the resolution of what I said before. It takes two people and people say things in anger they do not mean. I still think using my kids to hurt me is wrong and using anyone’s childhood horror story against them is wrong. But I know I am one mean Bitch, so who am I to talk.
I had lunch and spent lots of time with the baby. He was a little traumatized with the yelling and new mommy was unhappy. Funny thought was, if my husband thinks I am so unstable and horrible then why does he leave me with the kids for weeks at a time???
I am calm and happy at home alone for now. I made another appointment to see the therapist on Saturday. This time with the husband present. Maybe some sort of common ground can be found.
I honestly did not believe my husband to be a bad person. I think he is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and life. I know he never had the issues and tragedies I have been forced to carry. Not that I am playing the victim card, because a lot of those experiences where my doing. I made bad choices. But I also got through them and moved forward in my life. I suffered the consequences, with strength and resilience. I am glad I did now but some days didn’t know if the light at the end of the tunnel was a train or silver lining.
I am going to try and work this out. Not that I have many options right now, but I will not be bullied into taking pharmaceuticals to please my husband. What are we in the 1950s? Take your Speed in the morning and Valium at night ladies!
Either way I will try, because I have been through worse and will go through better. But either way no matter what happens my life will go on and I will be just fine.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Therapy
I had another wonderful session with my favorite therapist today. We meet every other Tuesday. The topic as I guessed was my husbands concerns in the relationship. He is playing the victim, telling everyone how hard it is to live with a difficult person like me and peddling the same story that was told to him by my family. I am not sure why what happened to me in my teens is now relevant today or has anything to do with the issues that are remaining in my marriage.
A relationship takes two people, to make work and two people to fail. I told my therapist there is no point in us meeting together. I have nothing to say, and will not continue to argue over the same issues again and again without resolution. I am perfectly happy with the way things are now. I have my life and he has his. I do not have a need to share every detail and he does not ask me about my day so it is obvious he does not want to know.
The therapist said he is frustrated, which I am sure he is very frustrated. He refuses to take responsibility for anything that has gone wrong. He just wants to believe I have issues and use my past abuse as a reason for me to have issues. Then tell everyone how mean I am to him. Great, good for him. Why is that my problem?
My therapist tried to talk about what has happened and maybe talking in the same room to help him understand would be beneficial for everyone. I said, "no body can understand another person fully, it is not possible." "We must have compassion for others not understand them." I can’t help him be compassionate he either is or he is not.
The thing is he made a choice, he choose them not me. He did not give me the benefit of the doubt. He then used the information he gained from people I haven’t spoken to since I was 18 and hurt me with it. Maybe my anger and words were wrong towards him, I know I am and can be a very mean person. I was taught to be mean and hurtful by some of the best in this world. It is a side of me very few see, that I do try and keep away from people. But he didn’t take my side, he choose them.
That was his choice to make and I will not spend the next year trying to convince him of something else.
The therapist told me I might face the reality of a divorce, and that my husband was unhappy. I again responded with only he can make himself happy that is not my job and I am not afraid to be alone. Never have been and never will be.
SO I guess that is it then, I am a horrible person. I have disconnected from my marriage and my husband and I am happy doing it. WOW I am sure I am not alone and not the only one with issues in their marriage.
At the end my therapist asked me to fill out a form about bipolar disorder. I laughed and said I know this is not going to say anything. I have read the books, done the research and know the facts. I am not bipolar, maybe I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that definitely would fit my behavior. But I am very aware of my behavior and understand what it is and what it is not.
See what happens when family gets involved. Now you know why I have no loyalty to mine. This is not the first time and I am sure it will not be the last. But, we all have choices to make and life does go on with or without them.
A relationship takes two people, to make work and two people to fail. I told my therapist there is no point in us meeting together. I have nothing to say, and will not continue to argue over the same issues again and again without resolution. I am perfectly happy with the way things are now. I have my life and he has his. I do not have a need to share every detail and he does not ask me about my day so it is obvious he does not want to know.
The therapist said he is frustrated, which I am sure he is very frustrated. He refuses to take responsibility for anything that has gone wrong. He just wants to believe I have issues and use my past abuse as a reason for me to have issues. Then tell everyone how mean I am to him. Great, good for him. Why is that my problem?
My therapist tried to talk about what has happened and maybe talking in the same room to help him understand would be beneficial for everyone. I said, "no body can understand another person fully, it is not possible." "We must have compassion for others not understand them." I can’t help him be compassionate he either is or he is not.
The thing is he made a choice, he choose them not me. He did not give me the benefit of the doubt. He then used the information he gained from people I haven’t spoken to since I was 18 and hurt me with it. Maybe my anger and words were wrong towards him, I know I am and can be a very mean person. I was taught to be mean and hurtful by some of the best in this world. It is a side of me very few see, that I do try and keep away from people. But he didn’t take my side, he choose them.
That was his choice to make and I will not spend the next year trying to convince him of something else.
The therapist told me I might face the reality of a divorce, and that my husband was unhappy. I again responded with only he can make himself happy that is not my job and I am not afraid to be alone. Never have been and never will be.
SO I guess that is it then, I am a horrible person. I have disconnected from my marriage and my husband and I am happy doing it. WOW I am sure I am not alone and not the only one with issues in their marriage.
At the end my therapist asked me to fill out a form about bipolar disorder. I laughed and said I know this is not going to say anything. I have read the books, done the research and know the facts. I am not bipolar, maybe I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that definitely would fit my behavior. But I am very aware of my behavior and understand what it is and what it is not.
See what happens when family gets involved. Now you know why I have no loyalty to mine. This is not the first time and I am sure it will not be the last. But, we all have choices to make and life does go on with or without them.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Resilience
If I could give one word to describe myself it would be resilient. I am this word and everything that goes with it. I have re-invented myself many times and started over as a mother, women, child and employee.
There are many things I have run from in my life. The biggest on being my childhood. I have recreated the abuse from my childhood in relationships and then run. I have been a power playing female dedicated to work, and then ran. I have been a mother now twice and it seems to be the one thing I don’t run from. It is what I am good at everyday, and my children do not judge me for my past as adults have, therefore I stay.
My relationship with my husband is in a place I cannot fix anymore. Instead of looking for answers within our relationship and working with me to fix things he went outside our marriage to people I have spent my entire life running from. MY FAMILY!
I am not the scared stressed, wounded little girl once 12 years old hiding in the closet from my mother that they tend to look at me as if I never changed. I am not this frightened animal that when shoved against a wall comes out swinging that they love to blame from every family disagreement. I removed myself from their lives a long time ago and accepted the loss.
I have been running a long time and found my place in being a mother, being able to teach me children, being able to watch them grow and live their lives that will never be as painful as mine. Knowing what I know about the evils of this world has given me the ability to help them never have to make a decision that will place them in harms way. I am a mother and a better one than I had. I love being their mother everyday.
I loved my husband because he never looked at me with judgment, never new about past mistakes and tragedies. Did not know about the abuse I endured and the hurt I felt. He treated me as the person I am now, how I should be treated.
Then when things became hard he went to them, the people I haven’t spoken to since I was a teenager the people who treat me as a wounded sick animal. He believed them, he took their side, he used their words to hurt me and he now looks at me as they do, with judgment.
I can’t love him anymore, he did the one thing that is unforgivable or at least changes things to the point I want to put on my running shoes again. I have worked to hard for too long to be someone different to re-invent myself in to a beautiful women. I do not want to live in my past and no one should have to.
But I will stay for now and be the resilient women I am for my kids.
There are many things I have run from in my life. The biggest on being my childhood. I have recreated the abuse from my childhood in relationships and then run. I have been a power playing female dedicated to work, and then ran. I have been a mother now twice and it seems to be the one thing I don’t run from. It is what I am good at everyday, and my children do not judge me for my past as adults have, therefore I stay.
My relationship with my husband is in a place I cannot fix anymore. Instead of looking for answers within our relationship and working with me to fix things he went outside our marriage to people I have spent my entire life running from. MY FAMILY!
I am not the scared stressed, wounded little girl once 12 years old hiding in the closet from my mother that they tend to look at me as if I never changed. I am not this frightened animal that when shoved against a wall comes out swinging that they love to blame from every family disagreement. I removed myself from their lives a long time ago and accepted the loss.
I have been running a long time and found my place in being a mother, being able to teach me children, being able to watch them grow and live their lives that will never be as painful as mine. Knowing what I know about the evils of this world has given me the ability to help them never have to make a decision that will place them in harms way. I am a mother and a better one than I had. I love being their mother everyday.
I loved my husband because he never looked at me with judgment, never new about past mistakes and tragedies. Did not know about the abuse I endured and the hurt I felt. He treated me as the person I am now, how I should be treated.
Then when things became hard he went to them, the people I haven’t spoken to since I was a teenager the people who treat me as a wounded sick animal. He believed them, he took their side, he used their words to hurt me and he now looks at me as they do, with judgment.
I can’t love him anymore, he did the one thing that is unforgivable or at least changes things to the point I want to put on my running shoes again. I have worked to hard for too long to be someone different to re-invent myself in to a beautiful women. I do not want to live in my past and no one should have to.
But I will stay for now and be the resilient women I am for my kids.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
SEX with Attachments
I was sending a text message to that old friend of mine who cheated on his girlfriend and was caught. When he was asked why he cheated, he responded with “she made me an offer I could not refuse”. This was in my head for a few days bouncing around wondering what kind of offer could she really have made???
So I asked? Well I sent a text message with a curious question asking for details of his adventures knowing the only way he would share is if I made it a little perverted.
His response was “Awesome sex anything goes no ties”.
Really? That’s all? What are we 21 and believe in the tooth fairy still?
I responded with a mean brutal response telling him you can have awesome sex anything goes with almost anyone these days. Especially no ties. HELLO we are in San Francisco, one of the most sexually charged and free love places anyone can live.
This is what he ruined a relationship over?? Why not just ask your lover to put on a wig, dress like a hooker, speak with a accent, then leave after and refuse to call her for a couple days.
I told him he is to old to play these type of games. He responded with I don’t need a lecture and that I did not know the whole story. Well, I new enough.
What is the point of having sex unless there is something to loose, something to be attached to, and something to make it a messy emotional experience you may never forget or recover from. That makes your entire mind implode and wonder why don’t I fuck this person more. What is wrong with attachments, they can be messy in a good way.
Then I remembered whom I am talking to, a man who can’t loose control or become attached without having complete control. It is his way or no way.
I have learned I can only control me, my little bubble, maybe my hair color, what I eat or put in to my body. But that is really it…
Everyone else is here for however long they are in my life and during the time I am with them, it is more interesting when you except people for who they are or what they are and then try and figure out if you want to keep them around. You don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you can enjoy them in the moment. It is really not that serious, or as black and white as some people make it.
SO why would I want to have sex with just anyone, “No Strings Attached”. I like getting into someone’s head, knowing every inch of their body. The first time is never the best time when you have sex with someone. It takes many times to get it right.
I can be completely involved in their world for however long I am there and enjoy the moment like it never ends. Make it messy, let go of what it can be or might be and pretend for a moment you are with them your whole life. Make love, beat them, do whatever you want. But Sex without attachments or emotion is a waste of time and over rated.
It becomes just sex and that is nothing special…
So I asked? Well I sent a text message with a curious question asking for details of his adventures knowing the only way he would share is if I made it a little perverted.
His response was “Awesome sex anything goes no ties”.
Really? That’s all? What are we 21 and believe in the tooth fairy still?
I responded with a mean brutal response telling him you can have awesome sex anything goes with almost anyone these days. Especially no ties. HELLO we are in San Francisco, one of the most sexually charged and free love places anyone can live.
This is what he ruined a relationship over?? Why not just ask your lover to put on a wig, dress like a hooker, speak with a accent, then leave after and refuse to call her for a couple days.
I told him he is to old to play these type of games. He responded with I don’t need a lecture and that I did not know the whole story. Well, I new enough.
What is the point of having sex unless there is something to loose, something to be attached to, and something to make it a messy emotional experience you may never forget or recover from. That makes your entire mind implode and wonder why don’t I fuck this person more. What is wrong with attachments, they can be messy in a good way.
Then I remembered whom I am talking to, a man who can’t loose control or become attached without having complete control. It is his way or no way.
I have learned I can only control me, my little bubble, maybe my hair color, what I eat or put in to my body. But that is really it…
Everyone else is here for however long they are in my life and during the time I am with them, it is more interesting when you except people for who they are or what they are and then try and figure out if you want to keep them around. You don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you can enjoy them in the moment. It is really not that serious, or as black and white as some people make it.
SO why would I want to have sex with just anyone, “No Strings Attached”. I like getting into someone’s head, knowing every inch of their body. The first time is never the best time when you have sex with someone. It takes many times to get it right.
I can be completely involved in their world for however long I am there and enjoy the moment like it never ends. Make it messy, let go of what it can be or might be and pretend for a moment you are with them your whole life. Make love, beat them, do whatever you want. But Sex without attachments or emotion is a waste of time and over rated.
It becomes just sex and that is nothing special…
Normal Days
Thank goodness for good weekends.
I had a great time with my teenager at his game yesterday. He is doing very well with Football. He plays weak guard and rocks. He is first string, and special team for kick offs. (please forgive me if I get the terminology wrong I am not a football expert by any stretch of the imagination.)
I think after the third pack of halls cough drops I could understand the pays and scream a little for my son. I have a horrible cold. It was only a matter of time, the teenager gave it to the baby and the baby slobbered it all over me. My body does not like any unfamiliar germs. The older I get the more sensitive my system becomes. I get a cold and it feels like the flu. I get the flu and it feels like I am dyeing.
If someone could see the circles under my eyes right now they would wonder if I had been up for three days. There is not enough cover-up in the world to fix my dark circles.
My body hurts everywhere even my skin is painful to touch. But being a mother there is not a day off, and not any time to heal, we just power thro it and hope we don’t pass out. Well at least not in front of the kids.
My teenager is so sweet he kisses me on the forehead and says feel better mom. He had one of his little friends over last night to “hangout”. I feel blessed he is comfortable enough to have people over, she hugged me on her way out and said see you again. Seems to be a nice girl.
So the football game that I barely made it through hopped up on cold medication was awesome. It was a close game but my son’s team scored the final touchdown with 26 seconds left in the game. The teenager made two important tackles and protected the quarterback. He is hoping to play Rugby in the off-season and I am very supportive of him playing. I think it would be perfect.
The baby has been spending time with his father like he always does on weekends. They are at the beach and did a couple other activates. I am glad he gets this time with his father, he is with me all week.
Me I am focusing on my writing and cleaning the house. Yes I should rest but there is little time for that.
My husband is critical of anything I do so I just try and stay out of his way. I do not argue just sure whatever you say, is my repeated response. There is really no point in arguing with someone who treats you like a idiot and talks down to me. Then when I say ok, whatever you want, he tells me to not use that tone and yells about something else. I really don’t listen, just nod and leave the room. I am looking forward to reclaiming my room and sleeping by myself tonight in my bed. I share with the teenager and when he is here I sleep in my husbands bed with a pillow in-between us.
Well life goes on and I am looking forward to a new day tomorrow. I get the house back to myself with baby and me. I will miss my teenager and probably pout a little after he goes back to his fathers tonight, but we love each other dearly and no one can interfere with that.
I had a great time with my teenager at his game yesterday. He is doing very well with Football. He plays weak guard and rocks. He is first string, and special team for kick offs. (please forgive me if I get the terminology wrong I am not a football expert by any stretch of the imagination.)
I think after the third pack of halls cough drops I could understand the pays and scream a little for my son. I have a horrible cold. It was only a matter of time, the teenager gave it to the baby and the baby slobbered it all over me. My body does not like any unfamiliar germs. The older I get the more sensitive my system becomes. I get a cold and it feels like the flu. I get the flu and it feels like I am dyeing.
If someone could see the circles under my eyes right now they would wonder if I had been up for three days. There is not enough cover-up in the world to fix my dark circles.
My body hurts everywhere even my skin is painful to touch. But being a mother there is not a day off, and not any time to heal, we just power thro it and hope we don’t pass out. Well at least not in front of the kids.
My teenager is so sweet he kisses me on the forehead and says feel better mom. He had one of his little friends over last night to “hangout”. I feel blessed he is comfortable enough to have people over, she hugged me on her way out and said see you again. Seems to be a nice girl.
So the football game that I barely made it through hopped up on cold medication was awesome. It was a close game but my son’s team scored the final touchdown with 26 seconds left in the game. The teenager made two important tackles and protected the quarterback. He is hoping to play Rugby in the off-season and I am very supportive of him playing. I think it would be perfect.
The baby has been spending time with his father like he always does on weekends. They are at the beach and did a couple other activates. I am glad he gets this time with his father, he is with me all week.
Me I am focusing on my writing and cleaning the house. Yes I should rest but there is little time for that.
My husband is critical of anything I do so I just try and stay out of his way. I do not argue just sure whatever you say, is my repeated response. There is really no point in arguing with someone who treats you like a idiot and talks down to me. Then when I say ok, whatever you want, he tells me to not use that tone and yells about something else. I really don’t listen, just nod and leave the room. I am looking forward to reclaiming my room and sleeping by myself tonight in my bed. I share with the teenager and when he is here I sleep in my husbands bed with a pillow in-between us.
Well life goes on and I am looking forward to a new day tomorrow. I get the house back to myself with baby and me. I will miss my teenager and probably pout a little after he goes back to his fathers tonight, but we love each other dearly and no one can interfere with that.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
MY Husband
Today was a fun day?!?!
I took Jacob to school then to lunch and played with the other love of my life the baby.
One hiccup was a FACEBOOK conversation with my husband’s sister.
Haha Facebook is stupid but fun all at the same time.
She is kind of a disaster and flaky. But then aren’t we all at times. She started in with the poor me my life is too complicated and busy bit again. I honestly have no patience for anymore. We all have issues, but sometimes we need to look at ourselves for the solution to solve those problems. She took a stab at me so I used my sunshine ray hose and fired back with a very nice response giving her advise about taking the time to look inward and how drama follows drama. Then told her not to worry about us, good luck, and all that fun stuff. Was I condescending? Maybe? But I don’t care and don’t want to hear her babble or attacks. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Probably? But I am the master of blowing sunshine up people’s ass and doing it in a way that makes me laugh. I am brutally honest even when you don’t want to hear it, it is just the way I am. SO guilty as charged.
My husband blew a gasket, I laughed saying I do not care, it is not my problem and don’t want to argue about other people who mean nothing to me.
I am sure he is displeased but he still has not figured out my recent detachment from him and our relationship. When I shut down and go cold I shut down.
Why did I shut down, well??? You ever hear the saying “I Love you but now change.”
That is what my husband says to me and not directly but that is what he means.
We had another argument the other evening; I was actually calm this time and tried to talk to him about one of my concerns. It was really about him dismissing my feelings by telling me I do not feel a certain way when I do. I am sure you have heard it all before. Regardless of how it started it ended the same.
He started telling me how crazy I am that he spoke to my parents and aunt now about how I needed medication and that I am a horrible person. He bases all his information about me on the opinions of people that I really have not had a relationship with since I was 16-19 years old.
I am a very different person and did have issues when I was younger due to major abuse. I was raped, beaten those type of issues that make you a little nuts.
He threatened to take the baby away from me and told me horrible things about myself according to my parents and this Aunt I have not spoken to since I was 19 years old. This is something he has promised not to do and continues to bring up when ever we have a fight.
I shut down, honestly I can’t re-live my past mistakes every time and I do not think it is fair of him to take the word or opinion of someone that does not know me. I am in my 30s now and a very different person.
DO I react badly at times that can be construed as different or not normal? HELL YES! I was abused for many years continually; I have triggers that sometimes set me off. Do I try and explain these issues to my husband? YES! But he tells me to just stop it and get over it, because it is that easy. He tells me I am not normal and need medication; it is the only way to be happy.
That being said, I have seen my medical records from my past therapist and childhood. Not one diagnosed me with a bipolar disorder, in fact they said in their report that given the circumstances I was doing better than expected and had some socialization issues.
I know myself and I know after years of therapy and searching for the right answers I am sane. Normal? That’s a matter of opinion. Cynical and Jaded? Hell YA! Sometimes mean and very outspoken with a no bullshit attitude and not time for being polite. That is me, complicate, simple me.
I know my husband does not understand me, he has no desire to understand me, and he does not want to be compassionate or excepting of me. AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE. He wants me to shut up. So that is what I will do, I will smile and shut up. I am not in a position to do anything else.
Therefore I am happy back in my little shell, not a care in the world other than my boys and enjoying the day….
I took Jacob to school then to lunch and played with the other love of my life the baby.
One hiccup was a FACEBOOK conversation with my husband’s sister.
Haha Facebook is stupid but fun all at the same time.
She is kind of a disaster and flaky. But then aren’t we all at times. She started in with the poor me my life is too complicated and busy bit again. I honestly have no patience for anymore. We all have issues, but sometimes we need to look at ourselves for the solution to solve those problems. She took a stab at me so I used my sunshine ray hose and fired back with a very nice response giving her advise about taking the time to look inward and how drama follows drama. Then told her not to worry about us, good luck, and all that fun stuff. Was I condescending? Maybe? But I don’t care and don’t want to hear her babble or attacks. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Probably? But I am the master of blowing sunshine up people’s ass and doing it in a way that makes me laugh. I am brutally honest even when you don’t want to hear it, it is just the way I am. SO guilty as charged.
My husband blew a gasket, I laughed saying I do not care, it is not my problem and don’t want to argue about other people who mean nothing to me.
I am sure he is displeased but he still has not figured out my recent detachment from him and our relationship. When I shut down and go cold I shut down.
Why did I shut down, well??? You ever hear the saying “I Love you but now change.”
That is what my husband says to me and not directly but that is what he means.
We had another argument the other evening; I was actually calm this time and tried to talk to him about one of my concerns. It was really about him dismissing my feelings by telling me I do not feel a certain way when I do. I am sure you have heard it all before. Regardless of how it started it ended the same.
He started telling me how crazy I am that he spoke to my parents and aunt now about how I needed medication and that I am a horrible person. He bases all his information about me on the opinions of people that I really have not had a relationship with since I was 16-19 years old.
I am a very different person and did have issues when I was younger due to major abuse. I was raped, beaten those type of issues that make you a little nuts.
He threatened to take the baby away from me and told me horrible things about myself according to my parents and this Aunt I have not spoken to since I was 19 years old. This is something he has promised not to do and continues to bring up when ever we have a fight.
I shut down, honestly I can’t re-live my past mistakes every time and I do not think it is fair of him to take the word or opinion of someone that does not know me. I am in my 30s now and a very different person.
DO I react badly at times that can be construed as different or not normal? HELL YES! I was abused for many years continually; I have triggers that sometimes set me off. Do I try and explain these issues to my husband? YES! But he tells me to just stop it and get over it, because it is that easy. He tells me I am not normal and need medication; it is the only way to be happy.
That being said, I have seen my medical records from my past therapist and childhood. Not one diagnosed me with a bipolar disorder, in fact they said in their report that given the circumstances I was doing better than expected and had some socialization issues.
I know myself and I know after years of therapy and searching for the right answers I am sane. Normal? That’s a matter of opinion. Cynical and Jaded? Hell YA! Sometimes mean and very outspoken with a no bullshit attitude and not time for being polite. That is me, complicate, simple me.
I know my husband does not understand me, he has no desire to understand me, and he does not want to be compassionate or excepting of me. AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE. He wants me to shut up. So that is what I will do, I will smile and shut up. I am not in a position to do anything else.
Therefore I am happy back in my little shell, not a care in the world other than my boys and enjoying the day….
Growing up is hard to do... But a pleasure with you!
My number one son turned 15 yesterday, how time does truly fly being a parent. It seems there is never enough time or moments in the day to truly enjoy it with him. The mother’s guilt kicks in every year when I sit long enough to think about what I have missed. Then I take a second look and remember all that I have done and smile. I can’t imagine a better life to have lived then the one I have been given with my son.
Has it been difficult? Yes everyday.
Has it been rewarding? More than it has been difficult.
He is one of the people in this world I truly unconditionally love and admire everyday with no effort. Being his mother has been my honor, privilege and joy.
He entered that magical age of teenager that age when he will hurt my feelings at least once a day. Make me feel unwanted and tell me it’s not fair at least 20 times a day. He is too busy and too cool for mommy anymore and just might forget I exist at times. BUT, I know my son and he knows me, and after all we went through the strong bond of mother and son remains. So by the end of the day I win a kiss, and quite I love you mom. Then off to bed to battle again another day.
I try and remind him I will never stop fighting to be in your life, never stop arguing to be heard, and never stop being completely obsessively in love with him. SO deal with it kid! I will stalk you if you make me.
Because it is not my job, it is my honor, and joy to be apart of the life you gave me.
WE have this thing we say to each other that has been said since he was a small boy.
I say “To the moon and back”
He Says “To the stars and beyond”
That is how much we love each other and always will….
I wrote this for my older son when he was little and they took him from me, it still in some ways is the way I feel when he is not with me.
Hey you, come along and hear me
Hey you, I never thought this would be happening
Something’s were never meant to be
Loosening you was one of those things
Hey you, don’t worry
There is something better waiting for you and me
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me
Hey you, wishes do come true
Hey you, dreams can speak to you
Angels say no one can take me from you
Because god gave me to you so he must be in love with you too.
Something inside me is breaking for you
Something inside me is changing for you
Hey you, don’t cry everything will be alright
Hey you, listen to me I will never leave
Something’s can’t be taken away so easily
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me
TO the Moon and Back!
Has it been difficult? Yes everyday.
Has it been rewarding? More than it has been difficult.
He is one of the people in this world I truly unconditionally love and admire everyday with no effort. Being his mother has been my honor, privilege and joy.
He entered that magical age of teenager that age when he will hurt my feelings at least once a day. Make me feel unwanted and tell me it’s not fair at least 20 times a day. He is too busy and too cool for mommy anymore and just might forget I exist at times. BUT, I know my son and he knows me, and after all we went through the strong bond of mother and son remains. So by the end of the day I win a kiss, and quite I love you mom. Then off to bed to battle again another day.
I try and remind him I will never stop fighting to be in your life, never stop arguing to be heard, and never stop being completely obsessively in love with him. SO deal with it kid! I will stalk you if you make me.
Because it is not my job, it is my honor, and joy to be apart of the life you gave me.
WE have this thing we say to each other that has been said since he was a small boy.
I say “To the moon and back”
He Says “To the stars and beyond”
That is how much we love each other and always will….
I wrote this for my older son when he was little and they took him from me, it still in some ways is the way I feel when he is not with me.
Hey you, come along and hear me
Hey you, I never thought this would be happening
Something’s were never meant to be
Loosening you was one of those things
Hey you, don’t worry
There is something better waiting for you and me
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me
Hey you, wishes do come true
Hey you, dreams can speak to you
Angels say no one can take me from you
Because god gave me to you so he must be in love with you too.
Something inside me is breaking for you
Something inside me is changing for you
Hey you, don’t cry everything will be alright
Hey you, listen to me I will never leave
Something’s can’t be taken away so easily
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me
TO the Moon and Back!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
SCAMS
This after noon a women approached me in a grocery store and asked me to be involved with a food stamps scam.
Don’t get me wrong I am not shocked in any way shape or form. She stood really close behind me while I was picking up a cake in the bakery, I could feel her presence. I turned and almost bumped into her. My child was in the grocery cart so my first instinct was protecting him of course. Natural response when someone invades your personal space.
She immediately started in with “I want to buy your cake with my food stamps and you can give me cash.” I said no thanks, and she continued…
“Its not illegal, you can just use my card and then give me cash for the amount.”
I said I do not have cash, she then continued to push and suggest ideas.
I finally just told her I am paying with credit and do not have access to any cash funds. She said “ok” and left.
First of all people when running a scam no matter how big or small get to know your target.
Don’t just start in to the whole con right off the bat, try and have a conversation. Maybe complement me or tell me how cute my child is, then reveal something honest about yourself and build to what you want. Also never tell someone it is not illegal. That is a dead giveaway you are doing something you should not be doing.
I try and feel or have compassion for people in this position, it is a hard time out there. But really if she would have done her homework she would never of asked me for money. Then the whole embarrassing situation for her could have been avoided and her time not wasted.
It is like when the people at the bus stop use to ask me for money. REALLY? You’re asking someone in jeans and t-shirt taking a bus for money? If I had money to give I would be driving a nice car and not taking a bus, or at least be better dressed.
SO in the future people out there running scams or trying to pull one over on your fellow citizen, do it right make the effort to know your target and success may be yours…
Don’t get me wrong I am not shocked in any way shape or form. She stood really close behind me while I was picking up a cake in the bakery, I could feel her presence. I turned and almost bumped into her. My child was in the grocery cart so my first instinct was protecting him of course. Natural response when someone invades your personal space.
She immediately started in with “I want to buy your cake with my food stamps and you can give me cash.” I said no thanks, and she continued…
“Its not illegal, you can just use my card and then give me cash for the amount.”
I said I do not have cash, she then continued to push and suggest ideas.
I finally just told her I am paying with credit and do not have access to any cash funds. She said “ok” and left.
First of all people when running a scam no matter how big or small get to know your target.
Don’t just start in to the whole con right off the bat, try and have a conversation. Maybe complement me or tell me how cute my child is, then reveal something honest about yourself and build to what you want. Also never tell someone it is not illegal. That is a dead giveaway you are doing something you should not be doing.
I try and feel or have compassion for people in this position, it is a hard time out there. But really if she would have done her homework she would never of asked me for money. Then the whole embarrassing situation for her could have been avoided and her time not wasted.
It is like when the people at the bus stop use to ask me for money. REALLY? You’re asking someone in jeans and t-shirt taking a bus for money? If I had money to give I would be driving a nice car and not taking a bus, or at least be better dressed.
SO in the future people out there running scams or trying to pull one over on your fellow citizen, do it right make the effort to know your target and success may be yours…
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
could be and could have been
Had dinner with another old friend tonight. I fell right back into place with the ease of feeling at home with him. Another one of the few people who know me without knowing all of me, but can hold a conversation about nothing and everything all at the same time. My love and understanding of him after what we went through has grown with my own life experiences in many ways he cannot realize. I miss him all the time or at least the idea of him.
Something he said was…
I must feel like a went through a big horrible accident at times. As I drive through it I look through my rear view mirror and see the dust cloud. I do not stop to check if anyone is injured just keep moving forward.
In many ways this time in my life is like that. I am in a safe non-emotional place, where I can just be. The wreckage is behind me and I am safe.
He asked if I was happy, if I was going to stay here for a while. I said I am safe and my sons need me so nothing was going to change until my older son was out of high school.
WE talked and for a moment I thought he was looking for his own answers of what he would do next. He just came out of a relationship that he had regrets in, that he feels he hurt the other person. I just smiled and said you have to find something that you want that you will not leave no matter how good of an offer someone else gives you. Meaning nothing is worth destroying what you have at that moment and it’s value to you out weighs anything else that comes along.
My husband does not have the ability to really understand me or appreciate me or the compassion to try. We do not have the connection I have had with others. I really do not feel like I am capable of loving another new adult person ever again. But I am safe, and in a way hiding from the wreckage of my past by being a mother. That I cannot and will not destroy, it is my one thing that is worth more than anything to me.
But time-to-time I think about what could be and could have been, or is it all just timing…
Something he said was…
I must feel like a went through a big horrible accident at times. As I drive through it I look through my rear view mirror and see the dust cloud. I do not stop to check if anyone is injured just keep moving forward.
In many ways this time in my life is like that. I am in a safe non-emotional place, where I can just be. The wreckage is behind me and I am safe.
He asked if I was happy, if I was going to stay here for a while. I said I am safe and my sons need me so nothing was going to change until my older son was out of high school.
WE talked and for a moment I thought he was looking for his own answers of what he would do next. He just came out of a relationship that he had regrets in, that he feels he hurt the other person. I just smiled and said you have to find something that you want that you will not leave no matter how good of an offer someone else gives you. Meaning nothing is worth destroying what you have at that moment and it’s value to you out weighs anything else that comes along.
My husband does not have the ability to really understand me or appreciate me or the compassion to try. We do not have the connection I have had with others. I really do not feel like I am capable of loving another new adult person ever again. But I am safe, and in a way hiding from the wreckage of my past by being a mother. That I cannot and will not destroy, it is my one thing that is worth more than anything to me.
But time-to-time I think about what could be and could have been, or is it all just timing…
Play Day VS True Friends
As a mother and a new modern mother that does not work, it is socially expectable to find other mothers to meet up with and have play dates.
SO I did it I became a joiner…
Wow this is rougher than a trying to win over corporate giants. I find it comparable to late nights at the bar back in my early 20s. You smile say hello to the friendlier ones, then continue to try and find relatable topics to discuss. This all while your child is climbing on your lop, swinging in a swing or screaming for their snack.
The conversation means absolutely nothing and then you go about your day like it never happened. If you run into to them around town they act like you never met or try desperately to recall whom the heck you are.
Just like a drunken night at the bar you are sitting in a confined space being forced to socialize with the people around you pretending to show interest in what they have to say. Then you promise or lie you will meet again maybe even exchange numbers. It really all means nothing, and just like the people you meet in bars the people you meet at the park on a play date are not your friends.
It amazes me how the world functions on this superficial surface of comingling.
It is rare and pure luck to find a friend, so when you do try and understand you must hold them with both hands and enjoy the ride.
SO I did it I became a joiner…
Wow this is rougher than a trying to win over corporate giants. I find it comparable to late nights at the bar back in my early 20s. You smile say hello to the friendlier ones, then continue to try and find relatable topics to discuss. This all while your child is climbing on your lop, swinging in a swing or screaming for their snack.
The conversation means absolutely nothing and then you go about your day like it never happened. If you run into to them around town they act like you never met or try desperately to recall whom the heck you are.
Just like a drunken night at the bar you are sitting in a confined space being forced to socialize with the people around you pretending to show interest in what they have to say. Then you promise or lie you will meet again maybe even exchange numbers. It really all means nothing, and just like the people you meet in bars the people you meet at the park on a play date are not your friends.
It amazes me how the world functions on this superficial surface of comingling.
It is rare and pure luck to find a friend, so when you do try and understand you must hold them with both hands and enjoy the ride.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
RAIN
Tutu it looks like rain,
Love the way the rain washes it all away…
The smell of clean air and everything is new again.
Had a great day with an old friend and my two favorite boys. It was perfect just in time and so important to me.
I remembered what it is like to really just be…
Just be, or flow with someone,
Enjoy the conversation with someone I know and knows me so well it doesn’t matter what is said just bouncing back and forth with ease.
It is supposed to be easy, sarcasm and banter is always appreciated.
I forgot what it is like for a moment, and then the moment reminded me.
I love being cynical, love laughing at the negativity in life, love today and wish it was always this easy.
My day is now complete; my day was a gift not a stress finally.
Thank you dear friend for being there to remind me how friends are supposed to be.
XOXO
Love the way the rain washes it all away…
The smell of clean air and everything is new again.
Had a great day with an old friend and my two favorite boys. It was perfect just in time and so important to me.
I remembered what it is like to really just be…
Just be, or flow with someone,
Enjoy the conversation with someone I know and knows me so well it doesn’t matter what is said just bouncing back and forth with ease.
It is supposed to be easy, sarcasm and banter is always appreciated.
I forgot what it is like for a moment, and then the moment reminded me.
I love being cynical, love laughing at the negativity in life, love today and wish it was always this easy.
My day is now complete; my day was a gift not a stress finally.
Thank you dear friend for being there to remind me how friends are supposed to be.
XOXO
Saturday, October 2, 2010
MEN
Eyes wide open they have said when entering into the joys of love and marriage.
Take time and never take for granted the one you choose to spend your life with.
Many words have been said, many advice has been given, but none have prepared you for the world of pain that goes with living after you settle for someone after the damage has been done and the baggage follows you there.
WE all have lessons, we all must change, and not a day goes by that I haven’t become a stronger person for it.
Communication breaks down, and you now sleep in separate beds, waiting for the day it will end.
I haven’t spent one day without fighting for something, fighting to be heard, fighting to protect, fighting to fight.
I haven’t spent one day not being demeaned not being told I am less than what I am, yet I fight to prove I am different.
I pray for one moment, I pray for one hour I pray for one person to understand without being told who I really am.
I wait to be alone, I wait to never let go of my children, and I wait to be at peace from the negative world that swallows me whole.
Everyday I give up everyday I try more, everyday I have a little hope that today will end.
I am tired and fed up with manipulative MEN.
Take time and never take for granted the one you choose to spend your life with.
Many words have been said, many advice has been given, but none have prepared you for the world of pain that goes with living after you settle for someone after the damage has been done and the baggage follows you there.
WE all have lessons, we all must change, and not a day goes by that I haven’t become a stronger person for it.
Communication breaks down, and you now sleep in separate beds, waiting for the day it will end.
I haven’t spent one day without fighting for something, fighting to be heard, fighting to protect, fighting to fight.
I haven’t spent one day not being demeaned not being told I am less than what I am, yet I fight to prove I am different.
I pray for one moment, I pray for one hour I pray for one person to understand without being told who I really am.
I wait to be alone, I wait to never let go of my children, and I wait to be at peace from the negative world that swallows me whole.
Everyday I give up everyday I try more, everyday I have a little hope that today will end.
I am tired and fed up with manipulative MEN.
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