I don't know? maybe I need more sex...

Hello Isabelle,

I know, I know, I need to write more to be considered a blogger…  Well I sit down and then find myself distracted or embarrassed about writing about life and myself.  My life isn’t that bad?  Well most the time.

I have a home, a family and three kids that are challenging and wonderful.  I shouldn’t complain, I shouldn’t gripe, I should take my pills and smile, then chase it down with some good wine. 

I went on a three-day wine and relaxation trip this week.  I went with a friend.  Someone more like me that am able to detach and just look out for herself.  I really don’t like most women; they are over considerate and tend to be over emotional about life in general.  They think everything needs to be just right.  I guess I through out perfection many years ago and care about stuff that most people don’t think matter.  Like Loyalty?  I really can forgive everything else if someone has my back.

My friend is like me with an older child and a new younger one 14 years later.  She was a single mom and therefore understands the need to take time out from your kids, family, life, in order to be a person.  AND I just don’t mean be a person but a 21 year-old selfish asshole, (that’s what most women call me).  Selfish and immature….  Fortunately their opinions don’t matter because they have never been to my life, house, world, or had more than a five-minuet conversation with me.  So they don’t qualify as worthy.  HAHA!

SO I spent three days and two nights eating, drinking, indulging and talking about how my life has become a (BLANK) housewife reality TV episode with regular evening wine.    I take prescription drugs and drink daily.  Yup, I qualify as a 60s housewife with issues.

The trip was amazing, I wish I could have stayed longer (alone) in order to really go out and maybe pick up some strange guy to abuse sexually before I got home.  Instead I exchanged a few drunk texts with my two ex-boyfriend’s and got my sexual appetite going again just in time to come home and abuse my partner/baby daddy.  Which then in turn picked a fight and told me I should use someone else next time I need a good orgasm, cause he is too old to care or feel guilty.

So here is the thing….  Everyone fantasizes about sleeping around right? I thought everyone dreams about the first time they were kissed and that feeling of wow I matter?  Oh, well…  Fantasies are always better than reality anyway.  Plus I have never been in love and never really gotten crazy over someone.  Well, maybe one…?

SO WE also talked about how NOT normal my situation at home was with not having a plan in place in case anything happens to my partner/baby daddy.  So basically I am out on the street if he dies.  I will have my kids and whatever I saved.  I am working on my investment portfolio still.  I need another 5 years.  Lets hope I make it, and then I cannot worry. 

I tried to explain to my friend, that my partner/baby daddy has no loyalty to me.  Its more about business with us, he doesn’t know me very well, we don’t have much in common, and he has made it clear I am not important to this life he lives in.  He would choose a homeless mans side over mine.  Case and point is the argument we had after I fucked his brain out last night…. Basically he tried to say and I quote “ wow you are finally coming out of the hormones form the baby. I can tell whenever you do because you stop mentioning the mess in the house.”  Then he continued to point out how women’s hormones contribute to all the issues in relationship.   (You know PMS is the culprit, never him) that if I could find a pill to control that more life would be better.  Come to think of it why don’t all women take medication so that they stop nit picking and nagging so much?  Cause he/men do nothing to deserve it ever!

You know I am all about admitting my part, but I won’t take al the blame.  It takes two people to have an argument.  SO I took myself out of the situation and went to bed.

I explained this attitude he presents to my friend of never being at fault for anything.  I am just a mentally ill women with hormones.  Yup, that me…  I am not capable of doing anything in the world because I am sick and stricken down with female hormones. 

Well we all know most men would be shot for this kind of 1950s crap but whatever, I don’t care, I cant care, I just need to focus on my future without him, or at least a wonderful affair.  SO I finally got him to shut up and then had another wonderful orgasm and kicked him to the couch.   Can you believe I don’t even make eye contact, cuddle or kiss him, I just ride him like a champ and have great orgasms.  OMG, I LOVE IT!

Maybe it would be nice to connect with someone someday, but today is not my day.  So I make the best of it…

Anyway, I am back to my routine, and imagining my future with a young gorgeous large penis.  Oh, wait, maybe a person too.  Romance could happen for me one day? A part of me does miss connecting with someone, having a conversation, maybe a date, maybe intimacy?  As I get older I crave loyalty, someone to fight for me, or at least care what happens to me after they die? 

I think about my daughter and what she will see, what example I am showing her?  Is it realistic to think it might be better to show her how to be independent instead of sacrificing your beliefs for comfort and money with a man? 

We all choose and this is what I have chosen for now, so lets see how it goes.  It is really not that bad most the time.  It is a trade off, I get to be with my kids and pretend I am 21, retired and have a good time.  I don’t know? 

So Isabelle I will keep wondering what is next and try to write sooner.  Lets hope at least my sex life improves a little.  I could really use some passionate, sex with kissing and maybe a someone who cares. 

Love you Isabelle!