Something to feel / Current Day 2011

I thought things were getting better with my husband and they are not. I have to say I don’t even feel anything towards him any more. After he threatened to hit me again, then reminded me I have nothing and nowhere to go. Then changed his story three times of why he said it never even apologizing just made excuses to justify his threats. One time he said I deserve it then he said I threatened his sister, then he said he could do what he wanted it was his house. I am saddens me to say this isn’t going to work. He makes it sound like I have no clue or no memory of what happens. Even the smallest things. For example I told him to please be careful of leaving his bottle caps from the beer he drinks every night around the house. He said I am imagining it and he never leaves them around. Then he will tell me I make it all up because I need something to pick at.???

I will smile and stay calm and remember my life will go on. Like I say I have been through worse and will one day hope to go through better.

He started including the teenager in our fight so I again smiled and walked away. I will admit I am a mean person at times. Some bring this out in me more than others. I have always been honest with the fact I can be vindictive and selfish. But when it comes down to it I am fragile as any one else.

I try to talk to him he bullies me and tell me to shut up even when I am just talking about my day. That he doesn’t want to come home and talk about those things. He has no interest in me being a real person or having the ability to complete my future plans. He is interested in ownership nothing more. So he can own the house the things in the house and me for now. But he will never really have my love or desire to be with him. I told him in the beginning to deal or be with me you must remember life will go on with or without me that my independence is what makes me who I am. This has been taken away, beaten down and bullied.

I am quiet now, with nothing to say to him. I let him fuck me because it gives him a reason to be nice on occasion and makes him feel better. He never notices I don’t enjoy his company. He tries to do little things like buy me a mug or something but he does not even know what I like and don’t like. After three years this man has no clue how to read me or notice anything. I am at loss and tired of trying.

I just hope in the next few years I can find away to be on my own again. Sure for now the kids need me but that will end one day. Maybe in time he can come to terms of the huge mistake we made and let me go.

I am sure I am not the only women in this situation, I am sure there are many like me who stay because they have no way out. I just never thought I would be one of those women. A old friend of mine said he hates seeing me unhappy. I don’t think about happiness. I don’t really care about being happy it is overrated. I just want to feel safe again. I just want to have my own bank account and money to manage or a future for myself. I want to feel something.