Putting some good back in my world

Dear Isabelle,

Today I am working harder on putting some good back in my world to battle all the struggles.  My life since I was 11 years old has been about struggles it has taken its toll to say the least.   I am living proof sanity can be restored after devastation.  Maybe with a little help form some good prescriptions but it is being restored everyday by the choices I make.  

Maybe that is why I choose to expose my life to very few people and am considered to be a bit socially awkward.  HAHA!

Today I reconnected to an acquaintance and listened to their situation or struggle and gave some numbers of good attorneys to help with their situation.  I offered my olive branch and in my way invited them in to my struggles hoping they would feel less alone.   I hope they take me up on the offer to be a friend to them and at the least hear them, because so many of us in this world go without being heard.

It remained me again that even in our darkest moments of light the joy of giving back can make the weight we carry a lot lighter.  It gives me hope that I can learn to trust and open my world to people on my terms since so much of my life is spent in my head.  It remined me to accept the good.

So here is the good for the month so far my dear Isabelle.

My daughter was baptized September 28^th 2014, she had two wonderful sponsors standing up for her, one being her big brother.  I was not alone and many people form the church and community attended with joy.

I am getting all As in my online legal classes for grant writing. I have two more classes til I achieve my BS in Environmental Policy.

My son and four year old made it two whole days without yelling at anyone.

My partner and MAN I live with (the father to two kids) is making an effort around the house.  He even brought home flowers??  OMG!  He is responding to my text messages and trying to listen.

I finally hired another (my third this year) attorney for my car accident in July and even though I know I screwed up and should have hired them sooner I am sure I can win a few extra thousand dollars to pay for a trip for myself and maybe a wonderful hair cut tooo.

I live in a wonderful home, with my own gym, and everything I need.  I am safe!

My older son turned 19 and he still tells me he loves me almost everyday.  Even after the struggles and heartache with him.  I have found a way to make sure he will always be with me.

I planned a trip to Calistoga with a friend and am looking forward to a couple days drinking  great wine by a pool after a massage.

I do not need to worry about my future, because what will be will be and as I get older I realize how much time I have spent worrying.

I have learned to let go of the little things through my experiences this year with my daughter and partner.  My home may not have art on the walls or matching furniture in every room.  My yard is disasters form all the half finished projects and lack of gardening.  But…  We are living, and we are safe.  WE have everything we need.

SO today I will have peace in my heart and a smile on my face.  I am finally in a place with my life that I am the one to give back and not receive.  That to me is a wonderful place to be.

Take Care my dear Isabelle.  I am sure we will talk again soon, good or bad it will change and my life will move forward.

Better Day today...

Dear Isabelle,

It is no wonder I feel nuts somedays….  Seems My partner that MAN I live with apologized and calmed down.  He is being nice and affectionate again now.  Seems to be a cycle with us these days…  It builds like a pressure cooker and then he is fine.  I don’t think he will ever learn how to deal with me or that being aggressive with me does not work well.    I am straightforward just want to know where I stand and the truth.  He leads with his emotions and I find myself reacting too much to his moods.  It is exhausting….

Unfortunately I have been venting to my dear old friend and I think he is starting to think this MAN I live with is an asshole or not good for me.  I really shouldn’t involve people.  I know better, well moving forward I need to remember I am here for my kids, period and cant screw that up.

Had a nice day finally with the kids.  My 4 year old didn’t yell or freak out in his room yet!  The baby is amazing and my soon to be 19 year old will figure it out, so I guess its normal.

I would like to believe other people with kids in a relationship have similar rollercoaster of a life.  Living with someone and getting through the tough shit it hard, if not impossible.  I just with the MAN I live with and have kids with could grow with me and not be such a fixed personality unable to bend change or see someone else’s view.   Especially with how fast I change and move.  I am constantly trying to be better rand reinvent myself.

I need to up my running this next week for the Nike women’s ½ marathon and to loose the rest of my baby weight.  SO I will push a little harder and try.    In the meant time I am trying to plan a weekend away with a gal pal…  This hardly ever works out because I am a loner.  I tend to do better on my own, but I will try I guess.  The church I attend also has a women’s retreat next month but I just feel like the odd man out all the time around a bunch or 40+ women trying to find enlightenment.  I think my life has dictated that I will always be more comfortable on my own.  Even though I should try to connect with people I just don’t. 

Oh Well, I am happy when it is less complicated and that means doing my own thing….

Talk to soon Isabelle, I hope things can stay calm for a little while.

long night home

Hello Dear Isabelle,

I just got home tonight after going out to blow off another night of arguments with that man another night of despair or better said bullshit.  

I am in pain, I am still in pain from my birth of my third child.   It is an amazing thing to come out of a month in the hospital and all the consequences that come with it.  The pain of the body, heart, home the other kids, the mind the what ifs, the e everything,   I have no one to share it with no one to tell, I am mad, sad, scared, and in pain.   I want to cry when I need to be strong, I want to take a minute, but I need to be there for my boys and they are boys so they do not understand what I need.  TO make it worse that man I live with like to treat me like a child. 

So what happens when you need down time, time to heal, time to play time to just be….. and....

What happens when you don’t get what you need.  You explode, then you grieve.  I have been grieving for so long since my brother was thirteen and sick since he forgot me.  ALl the kids I have buried and had die in my life.  The crap really builds up after a while.

Oh my Here I go again… drinking and thinking again. I need sex or love or something more, but I gave THAT UP!  So who am I to pretend.  It is like I said just me whining again, asking for something that is not possible again.

What happened was, that man,  my baby's daddy was yelling at me tonight in front of the kids again, disciplining me like a child.  I have warned him to stop, to let me  work it out with my kids and that he has his way and I have mine.  NO, he won't stop or shut up, so I left tonight and had fun.  Got drunk went dancing, had food, beer and probably annoyed one of my only friends with my whining and texting, but I was okay for a minute.  I didn't think about the pain for a few hours or how stupid that man can be.  Maybe from now on when he digs into me I will just leave and go out.  Maybe one day I will not come back......

Dear Isabelle I know you so well my friend, If only love was in your happy ending.