Teenagers whats left in the end/ Current Day 2011

SO today my teenager said he want to take a break from seeing me and feels I am to blame for the conflict with his father. That he needs to protect his father and family from me, basically.

Maybe my anger finally caught up with me, maybe I deserve it all…

I would love to continue to try and defend my actions to him. But find myself choosing to let him go instead. Sure every parent fights for their kids. Maybe I fought to hard and did too much. His father has influenced him and it is too late for me to be apart of his life. Maybe it is for the best or at least that is what I will tell myself for now as I prepare for whatever is next. I don’t think any parent can prepare themselves for the hurt a teenager causes them. How our children turn around and hate us after they loved us for so long.

SO here is what I would love to say and can’t to my teenager… Because I can’t hurt him and it wont matter anyway. Maybe I am selfish and just want my little boy back.

I am writing you this letter because there are things I never wanted to tell you that I feel I am forced to tell you at this time.

I do not want to fight, I do not want you to be hurt and that is why I want you to stay out of the arguments with your father. As you know and should understand by now your father and I are very different people and will never get along. That being said it does not mean I will ever stop loving you. I will never stop fight for what is best for you or to be apart of your life.
However you tell me how I baby you and do not treat you like a grown up. Well maybe that is because I don’t want you to know how painful the world can be and want you to be happy forever. I don’t want you to hate your father I don’t want you to not want see him or me. I have never kept you from him or told you not to be apart of his life.

If you want to be treated as an adult I will treat you as one.

Here is the truth and here are all the documents to support the truth. You may think what I am telling you is bad but it is the truth.

You have chosen to forget all the things I have done for you. The trips to Maui, Disneyland, the theater in San Francisco. I didn’t get married before because I thought it was best for all my time and energy to be about you. I raised you, your father paid for you. Your father has never been without a women in his home and life. He either had his mother or someone else to take care of you and has not spent the time I have. You are changing now and growing up, so if you want to make a decision about who is right or wrong at least have all the facts.

Your father has hurt my family for a long time. He has physically hurt me and tried everything he can to take you away from me. My best friend and many others watched him and his wives abuse me for years and hurt you. He stole money from my Grandpa, he lied to his last wife and cheated on her. He lied in court and cheated on me when we were together. And YES he lied to you. But now my anger is effecting my relationship with you so it is time to let the cards fall where they may.

You told me once that your father told you I was an unfit mother or could not care for you when you were 8 years old. That the whole experience traumatized you. Well it was not true. I was never an unfit mother and you wanted to be with me. I have over 300 letter from your therapist Erica, your old teachers, and many other people telling the court and your father to leave you with me. You yourself at 8 years old asked me to fight for you. If so many people said you should stay with me and you wanted to stay with me then why would your father still try and take you from me?
You told me to help you and give you time with me before you went to visit your father again and his new girl friend at the time Maureen. You were scared and hurt by him leaving Amy and want to be with me. Instead your father became angry with me and used you to hurt me by taking you from me.

You father took personal medical records of mine from when I was 13 years old. The records were about when I was sexually abused and conversations I had with a therapist. He stole these from me and told the judge since I was sexually abused I could not care for you. I was working two jobs and taking care of you at the time but could not afford a Lawyer. Your father’s Lawyer was very powerful and he won based on me being sexually abused as a child. I don’t think someone being abused should be used against someone in court but your father did not care.

I know this is a lot to understand and hard to believe so I have all the court documents to show you if needed.

Throughout the years I tried to see you and even moved to Roseville to be closer to you. When I would see you your father would come to my house early or threaten me all the time. He would threaten to keep you from me, You stepmother helped him do this and would call me and make threats to me about hurting you to hurt me. I eventually had to move back to San Francisco for work and continued to fight to see you. Your father would change the times and make it difficult for me to pick you up all the time. I did the best I could. Your father was not around a lot leaving you with your stepmother and would never return calls or emails. I also have all the emails and can show you many emails of your Father attempting to bad mouth me and saying hurtful horrible things about me.

Now that I went back to court, and have more time with you there is nothing your father can do. The judge told him to stop his behavior and not interfere with my visitation. Your father is angry because he does not like me and he can’t hurt me anymore. Now he is telling you things that are untrue just like he has told you before when you were 8 years old, just like he told your fist stepmother when he cheated on her with the new stepmother, Just like he told my Grandfather, just like he told me.

I don’t want to fight with you about your father. You have become extremely sensitive to anything I say or do and it is never my intention to hurt you. You think he has your best intensions in mind but really if you think about it why would he have taken you from me and keep trying to take you from me. He has never emailed me and been honest with anyone. He hurts people around me and tried to hurt me through you.

I have never stopped hoping for you to come home. You wanted to be with me then and should never have left. I could have taken you back from your father a year ago but you said that you wanted to live there so I listened to you.

This is my deepest regret, loosing you and not protecting you better. You asked me to protect you when you where 8 years old and I could not. I tried to protect you now from this and failed again by being forced to tell you the truth.

You can choose to be apart of my life but it will never be easy just honest. I would hope you would have your own thoughts and beliefs not your fathers or mine.
And anyone that tells you it is not there fault or they do not deserve something is wrong. We all have a part in what happens in our lives. WE all effect others around us and no one is left without blame. Your father and I are both to blame not just one of us.

I taught you to think for yourself when you were younger and hope you figure it out again someday. I would miss you if you were gone and hope you find your way back to me. To the moon and back.

The fact is what we want to say to our children they never understand until they are older. So what is the point in fighting? It is selfish of me to think it evens matters to him what happened. He has made his choice and the choice is not me.
All the hard work and fighting does not matter in the end because our kids just grow up and hate us no matter what we do. That is all that is left in the end, we loose them and hope they come back one day.

Path to choose/ Current Day 2011

It has been a busy week to say the least. Some might think I complain a lot when I shouldn’t in my entries of this journal. But really this is my venting page where I get to scream as loud as I can about the things I can’t say out loud. As we all know our inner voiceless is not as kind or as positive as we all try to be on the outside. I never mean to be negative or complain. I do have a large amount of good in my life. It has been a challenging road I have chosen to travel. It has never been perfect and if anything I have tends to air on the side of honesty, not only with my emotions but with accepting the fact I am far from perfect. I can only learn form what I write and try harder to change and grow from the negative to the positive.

I have been having a more than difficult time with the teenager. Some would say it is normal. I am now faced with the fact he has decided I am the bad person and his father is all good. It is never that simple, as we all know. Instead I am choosing or ready to let go. I am not going to continue to tell him my truth of what the arguments are between his father and myself. I am choosing silence. This may in turn keep him from seeing me. It may damage things beyond repair. But I can’t fight anymore. I won’t fight with a 15 year old about my past issues with his father. SO I am letting him go…

In the good parts of my life my dreams are evolving. I am torn at times of being a single independent women and loving the fact I love being alone. But the other side of me the harder side or bigger risk is the dream of having a family with lots of people involved. It is a risk for me to let go and let people in. It leaves room for disappointment and heartache. When you allow people in your life they can let you down. I have been in search of something my entire life. In search of myself or which path to choose. A life alone that is safe and successful to the outer world or a less perfect life filled with many people.

I remember as a child wanting and hating my family. I learned to let them go and tired to replace the emptiness only to find more heartache. Then I decided to never let anyone in and be alone. Now I am rolling the dice and fighting my own fear s everyday.

The good news is if I can change and be a auntie, mother, wife, and a member of a real family I might have more pain but will have greater rewards.

I will try… I am putting my fear aside and will betaking care of my niece and nephews a few days per week. I am excited and I am learning to allow myself the attachment. With this only rewards of maybe having the dream of family could happen finally. If I don’t try well then maybe I will have the life of being alone. It is a hard one and the only one I will grow and learn from.
After all what is a life worth if it cannot be shared.

Post Traumatic Stress/ Current Day 2011

SO the last couple days my husband has been putting records together in order to place assets into a trust and move some things around. This means paper work. As he always does he waits until the last minute and then comes to me to get things done. This stresses me out because it is all legal paper work that should be done correctly not thrown together and will need to be redone. I am not a procrastinator and I am very organized most the time. However since I have moved 3 times in the last year with him and he packed things I have no clue where most things are. If you are like me this makes your life hell in so many ways. My husband is the most disorganized person I have ever known in my life. It never mattered to me when we were dating because I never wanted to get married. However since we are married and everything it makes me crazy. Then triggers an anger fit. He pushes me to do everything and I have to dig up things from my past that I don’t want to deal with. I need time to deal with things not two hours before the dead line after he has had the paper work over a week.
Then he is arguing with me about money again telling me I can’t or shouldn’t feel the way I feel. That I really don’t need anything and can make him a list for approval. Everyone may think he is a nice guy but he really needs to learn to respect others opinions and feelings. TO me he is a dick! It was the whole fight again about how I am an adult and need my own money to budget etc… How he does not agree or care. Same fight different day. This triggers me into being upset for days, wanting to leave missing my single life and all the above. Now I have spent the day super sensitive to everything around me.

Which brings me to today. I spent some time with a friend and their kids for lunch the subject came up about a person they new that lost a child. I left the room and cried on my way home. It reminds me of the loss of my son when he was 7 years old. How is father ripped him away from me for no reason with the help of the system. If you have been reading this journal then you know the history. I had over 300 letters of support from teachers and therapists and parents form the community. Still my son was taken. If you can envision in your head a mother having her child ripped out of her arms at that age then you can relate to why I call it a major loss of my child in my life. I can’t let it go these days. With my alder son and his attitude towards me, or the way he is taking his fathers side. It hurts and I have to be strong and move forward. People tell me he will understand one day or see it for what it is but really that is no guarantee. He may choose to leave me forever from being poisoned against me by his father. No one speaks up for me. No one has told him what I went through. The fighting and all the years of being fucked with so I could just have one day with him. I was never a bad mother, and I have over 300 letters to prove it. But according to my teenage son I am useless. SO after all the fighting and all the tears I loose, and everyone is telling me to let it go... I would give anything to have one person on my side. I don’t want my son to be hurt from knowing the truth about his father but what do I do?? Sit quietly and let him go because I can’t tell him…


These flash backs or rushes of emotion are what the doctor calls PTSD. I have panic attacks from the memories of those years. I cry when I feel too stressed and always come back to this place of pain.

But who really ever gets over the loss of their child? We just slap a Band-Aid on it and move forward. Now I feel some days I am loosing him all over again. I don’t know if there is a big enough Band-Aid for that.

Reality Current Day 2011

My husband is gone all the time with our other property remodel so I am looking for a good daycare for my baby two days per-week in order to actually breathe and get something done. Don’t get me wrong I love the little guy he is 13 months and perfect. I am just not capable of being with him everyday and night with out a break once in a while.

The teenager was over this weekend and we are growing farther apart someday. I know a big influence is his birth father right now. He is going through that phase where he needs to please his father. All boys go through it I here….
The issue is his father does not do what is best for him? I am confused and concerned. His father actually told him that he does not need to go to college, that there is no need for him to have a bank account or learn about “those things”. He explains to him why he does not need his mother. My son is so sensitive about anything I can’t talk to him about it without him thinking I am attacking his father somehow. It makes it uncomfortable for me to even talk to my own Teenager. But I guess that is what his father wanted so I will always keep trying. I just worry he is limiting his potential and will never wake up to what his father is doing. Then I worry about the pain he will feel when he realizes what his father is doing and that he does not have his best interest in mind. That feeling I know too well and I am not sure what will be worse.

My life is OK, I am trying to be sexual again this week with my husband who seems overly concern with my personal pleasure. I guess after I told him that he makes me NOT want to have sex anymore and I don’t enjoy sex anymore with him he is now trying harder. Sometimes in a marriage you get in a routine and it sucks or you just fantasize about younger people. I don’t know? I guess I have never really been attracted to men or women. I have experiences a few times that uncontrollable erg to fuck someone sideways or something like that. There were a couple guys and one girl in my past that just smelled fantastic! I know it’s strange but we are all animals. I was so horny in my mid 20s I think I am done with my sexual peek of anything. Or maybe I had too much sex in my youth everything is just redundant and boring now. I will admit I lost count on how many men or women a long time ago. It was not hundreds but maybe 100 at the most. I really used my sexuality to get what I wanted or hurt people. That I am not proud of so maybe my punishment is I don’t get to enjoy sex like I use to anymore.

Well back to reality back to the kids and moving forward in what life I have now.

Being Naive is not the best thing for everyone. Current Day 2011

So my temper and anger fit has left me finally from the other day.

We are moving forward with the eviction of our tenant from one of the properties and getting rid of the property. It is amazing how I have to push my husband into sending the tenant a notice of default or 3 day notice when they don['t pay their rent. I am forever the bad guy and he is the nice one in the eyes of the public. I look at it as a fair situation. You don't pay your rent you don't get to live there. Simple right?
My husband wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and try to be nice. Who said I am being mean because I am enforcing the rules or obligations of their lease. This is not a friendship or a gray area. It is business and unfortunately my husband sucks at being the barer of bad news so I have to push him or do it myself.

It should be completed in a couple months, which will be great. It will free up a lot of cash and make our savings a little more cushion. Well at least that is what I am told. Honestly I am not sure some days if I should be concerned with the fact I do not have access to any of the bank accounts or direct knowledge of the finances. I really have no control over anything so I guess I will readdress that issue another day. What I do know is my husband is one of the smartest people I know when it comes to money. He is unbelievable, he has invested, saved, and is cheap as hell. I just have to push him when I want money.

I am starting to get better from my flu, and sleeping less again. The only issue now is my husband has been letting the baby sleep with him while I was sick. If you have kids then you know it is a tuff habit to get your kids out of after the habit has been made. I have fought this for months with my husband. The baby does not cry when I come in the room at night after he has woken up. He goes back to sleep because he knows better. The funny part is my husband blames me for the issue telling me that if he doesn’t keep him calm and wakes me I become upset from being woken up.
I love how it is my fault…
I am a bitch no matter what if you wake me up. Even if the Pope came over to bless me and woke me up I would throw something at his face. I am not happy in the morning either. I have been this way my entire life. So I told my husband to get some balls and man up. Do not use me as an excuse to let the baby sleep with you. It needs to stop or I will never have the bed to myself again.

I picked up the teenager today, it is my weekend and he started in the car with some crap his father told him. I really do try not to react, but the attitude and lies are horrifying. My son bless his heart at 15 years old does not know when he is being manipulated, he is Naive for 15 years old. He hates confrontation, he hates arguing, and if you mention the possibility of his father lying to him he looks like he is going to cry. We have been through this before so I just simply say the truth. Maybe when your older you will get it, but your 15 and that is that. I really want to scream and call him a shmuck but that would be bad. I do love my son, I just hate seeing him so Naive. His father will not allow him to take public transit, wont let him have a bank account, tells him what is best for him and why. My son told me he doesn’t want his driving permit yet because his father explained why he should wait. His father also explained to him why there is no need for a checking account or to go to college too. I guess we are different, I just think telling your kids the truth at this age and preparing them for the real world is a good thing, Keeping them in a bubble is not doing them or anyone else any favors.
Who knows maybe I am taking it personally because he has become such a daddy’s boy this year. Maybe I am reflecting on myself and how my parents kept me in the dark about life telling me love and faith will guide you. Blah Blah Blah…

I feel sorry for my son and the horrible reality he will face one day. Maybe he will remember one of our talks about investing your money, going to college, learning about the politics of the world and understanding government. Maybe he won’t maybe he will be just like his father. Stuck in high school doing the same thing with the same people the rest of his life. I really hope he doesn’t get stuck.

Well at least I have another child to mold my own way and maybe screw up without anyone else to blame but me. Hahaha.

So cheers to those parent who think making your kids Naive to the reality of the world. You are a better person than me for telling them that Love and Faith makes anything possible.

Something Positive/Current Day 2011

Toady was productive for the first time in a week…
I am trying to focus on the good today.

I am starting to recover from the flu and my dear friend was kind enough to send over some professional cleaners to clean my house for me.
Do my chores…

If you have boys then you know how messy a house can get without even trying. It was the best gift for being sick EVER!! I know it sounds strange to some. But being home sick with kids and having someone else scrub your toilets, get all the crumbs out of the toaster then vacuumed and everything else, it was magical for me.

I went to the grocery store to day and as I left after I put the baby in the car and turn around to hear a elderly man say “sweetheart I will take the cart”. I of course was relieved to not jut leave it in the parking lot. As the man walked closer to me he said I had the most beautiful Auburn Hair and how it reminded him of his wife when they first met over 70 years ago. He began to tell me the story of how they met. How they watched a flick with John Wane in it for the first time together. How she was a nurse and he was in the Military. He was glowing with the details of his wonderful wife, her beautiful Auburn hair and stories of their youth. He was a proud married man and wanted to share the joys of the multiple lives they have shared together as a couple, parents, grandparent and soon to be great grandparents. I then realized in all my frustration and anger over the last few days I forgot why I am here. This man reminded me. I want to be a grandmother I want to be a mother, I want to be a beautiful women with Auburn hair some old man tells a total stranger about one day. Maybe the details are not what I want right now but I need to remember why I am here. There is more good than bad most days.

The baby is doing great he is learning his baby sign language I have been teaching him and starting to communicate better with us. The teenager is coming back to me tomorrow so we will see what kind of mood he is in. My husband is busy with projects and trying to do what is right by me.

Our tenant in one of the our properties we have rented has decide to stop paying rent or was laid off. The timing is horrible since we are in the middle of remodeling the other property. We might have to let that property go and cut our losses. Sad but life. I would rather do it now than later but who knows what will happen.

Well that’s it in my boring life today I am hoping tomorrow will be more exciting or maybe I will get the courage to finish some old stories of my life.

Current Day/ SICK and tired 2011

I have been sick since we came back from the southern California trip. I finally was given some cash to go to the Doctors and found out I have a bad sinus infection. My husband of coarse is useless and doesn’t understand why I am upset with him because he used all the gas in my car and left me 20 bucks then tells me I am free to do whatever I want. HA!! I could not even go pay for my own prescription at the pharmacy. He still won’t give me access to any money and I am starting to rebel. I feel like a trapped 50s-60s housewife without any of the friends or nanny.

Do to my tragic past he has once again become an abuser holding me prisoner in my own home that I am waiting to escape from. I know his insecurities cause him to behave this way. But anyone who knows me knows the rule… If you love something set it free….
I can’t be kept as an inmate in my own home only to dream about escaping. I am sure the fact I am sick is only making things worse but please someone tell him to stop!! Just Stop!! I hate him for doing this to me!!! I can’t live this way and feel so beaten down all the time with nowhere to go.
Look at me I am 15 pounds over weight, I have not completed my education, I can’t even go to school because I can’t make any decisions about my own life. I feel nuts all the time for wanting to try and make things work then only to be disappointed all the time or become tired of trying to make things work. I then explode on him and he tells me I need medication or I am crazy. Like I have no reason to be unhappy because he gives me everything I need. HA!!! He cont even turn me on in bed anymore. I just lay there if I even let him in the same bed with me. I hate sex now and I never hated sex before I used to love sex. Now I dread the nights I have to let him touch me.

But I am sure I will let my anger go and try to make it work. What are my options really anyway. No body wants a 33 year old who is in my position. Heck I don’t want me anymore. It frightens me when I get like this. I feel so hopeless and afraid of myself. I would leave for any other man, but I really don’t trust men. Why should I trade one bad situation for another? My husband legally owns me and makes sure I know it, so why should I put myself in to another’s mans home that could possible hurt me more. I am out of options and made the wrong choice to have a baby and marry him. I know that now, but I have to make the best of it and can’t have regrets.

I just miss ME, I miss how passionate about life I was, how beautiful and hopeful I use to be. All that is gone…

Holidays are over/ Current Day 2010-2011

WOW…
It is another New Year and what does 2011 have in store for me I wonder??

Well the teenager Husband and I went to Sothern California and had an OK time. The teenager was moody towards the end and my husband just annoyed me the last couple days with his controlling bullshit. But it was a good trip and was nice to have something positive to do with the family.

The baby stayed with my parents and was perfectly fine. He always is…
I have very independent children for the most part. The baby needs more attention than the teenager but that is just a difference of personalities.

The JOB my husband worked on in Southern California was for a famous photographer. His wife and family are very kind. We were offered a JOB for the both of us to work on a few projects for them. Maybe this will give me sometime in the adult world.

The baby is becoming more intelligent everyday and I am starting to finally settle into being a stay at home mother full time. It only took a year? I do not adjust easily; I guess you could say I don’t like change… Funny part is I have changed more than anyone I know.

Talked with a few good friends and a few I could live without over the holidays. Seems no one really knew much about me back in my party days or 20s??
WOW, they had no clue of who I am or was, but they still call on occasion to brag or gossip about others from those years. It always fascinates me how people I knew that treated me poorly and then you all grow up and the egotistical bastards become the losers. Hahaha! I know I should not laugh at other misfortunes but really they were assholes and I knew it then just like I know it now. I just was having fun and did not care. I got what I wanted and I guess they did too. The difference is I moved on and they did not.

Well I think I am going to get a new routine going and extra exercise is in order soon. The extra couple pounds need to come off and the baby and I need to get out of the house more. That is all for my goals so far….

As for therapy or anxiety issues, they seem to only occur when the assholes in my life are around. Now maybe I should just get rid of them, my old therapist said biofeedback could help? I think some Ativan is in order for special occasions. Then again if these people had my history and life they might want to take drugs too. I really don’t know the answers and go back in forth in my head all the time regarding what to do depending on whom I talk to and the way I feel.

Oh and I hate teenagers today… But who doesn’t?