Normal Holidays/ Current 2010

I use to hate the holidays and a part of me tarts out every year by saying out loud “oh God here we go” the minute November rolls around.

This year I have loved every moment except the grocery store on Christmas Eve. I love being an Auntie and mother, the holidays are really just about the kids for me. They tend to make everything Magical.

Yesterday I spent baking and went to the store maybe 5 times.
I could not find my rolling pin then forgot cream, then was asked to get cheese, then… You get the idea.

During my journey through the Traders Joes the 3rd time I recalled a conversation I had with a stranger there one day. We randomly started talking about kids and how it is very difficult to have more than 2 in the Bay Area and afford a comfortable life for them. He then started in about how Mormons have 6 or more kids and I said yes they tend to crank them out. He laughed and said “well somebody should tell them it is not a clown car it is a Vigina.” I almost died of laughter and enjoyed the comment. Why strangers feel comfortable with being so open with me I will never know. I decided a long time ago I could enjoy it for what it is… Entertaining!

Yesterday a good friend and old LOVER called to chat about his life and we talked for some time. I do miss him and love him dearly. He seems to no matter what remains a part of my life and is one of the few people I can trust. It is easy I guess to be friends or whatever with him. That makes all the difference….

Lets see my mother is the same judgmental disapproving person she always is and will be. I am not sure why I speak to her anymore and I say that out loud every time I get off the phone with her. I just called to try and have a normal conversation and this is what I get… Her tone, and snide comments about my abilities as a parent are always negative. Sorry MOM not everyone is a 50s housewife like you. My mother has no desire to be educated, work, and never has been without her father or my father to take care of her. Harsh reality will hit when and if my father dies first. OH well, you can’t change people….

On a fun note,,,
The baby has discovered that his diaper pail makes things disappear?

Things are pretty normal around here, the baby is sleeping with his father, I am up and can’t sleep, the holidays are here and I can’t wait for the kids to see what Santa brought them!!

On the 3rd day came the TRUTH/ Current 2010

It is going on three days of crap from my teenager and his father. I stopped answering the phone.

It is amazing how everyone I know in my life knows me for my honesty but my son.
The poor kid wants to believe his father and there is nothing I can do. I am faced with the dilemma of if he does come to my house again I have to be the parent and set boundaries. He can’t just leave my house whenever he wants and call me names.
I know his father’s lies pushed him and ultimately his father wins no matter what I do. My teenager has been lied to for so long by his father he just can’t see past it all.
Again this is my life and I am trying to figure out how to be better but I am becoming a doormat to his father and my teenager. So where does it end….
I would love to call my parents and explain the mess they assisted in with all this. But that is what my teenager father wants, more conflict. My parents continue a loving relationship with them and in turn allow him to manipulate the facts into telling my son that they don’t want to be apart of my life so why should he.
This is all far from the truth and I sit here silently just taking it all in….

On a good note my husband has stood up for me finally, in his own way. He isn’t playing into my anger over this and instead being supportive. He is actually involving himself in a positive manner. I guess that is good.

I am looking forward to seeing my nephews and nieces, spending time with my baby and enjoying my Granny for Christmas like I always do. It is just hard to be silent and not say anything, smile for the camera as I always do and pretend everything is all right.

Everyone keeps telling me to let it go and don’t feel bad. That as many know is easier said than done.

Today was more positive, tomorrow can be better. I am not running away and will stay for what I have left… The TRUTH

easier said than done…. / Current Day 2010

So now it has come to my attention that my teenagers father set us all up again for a fall. My son was told and reassured by his father numerous time that he was in fact communicating with me about the schedule changes.

That my son was lied to by his father and told that I knew everything and did not want him to go. SO I was upset and fell right into his fathers manipulation again.

There is nothing I can do if my son does not believe me and does not want to believe his father is lying.

I am at a loss of words to even try and figure out why a parent manipulates their child like this. Why he continues to play the games at my sons expense I will never know.

People tell me my son will figure it out one day and know the truth. I don’t believe that and think that his father will never stop.

There is nothing I can do, I cant leave, I can’t discipline my son, I can’t be honest with my teenager. Everything is turned into an issue for me.

I hope his father is happy and understands what he has won.

This is what I have been dealing with for 15 years and what will continue until I shut my son out or he figures out the truth. I don’t think either is possible.

People tell me to play the game keep my mouth shut and do nothing. That is easier said than done….

Killing time until I die/ Current Day 2010

I have made many mistakes in my life. I have been hated, harmed, and told daily at I am worthless. I have fought until I cannot fight anymore; I have tried again and again to change. Today it has come to an end. I give up…

I came to the realization that I don’t have to live this life anymore. It may be selfish and I may regret it one day, but there is nothing left to loose. I fear I may open a vein to bleed out just to feel anything but how I feel now.

My teenager told me he does not want to see me anymore. Everything is my fault and I pushed him to choose. So let this be a lesson that no matter how hard you fight for your kids and no matter what you do your wrong. I am wrong.

I really don’t know how to live anymore after fighting so long for him. What he has decided has shook me to my core. I know this has been a decision greatly influenced by his father. I know I made mistakes to, but how do I live without him and why would I keep living the life I have when it was for him.

Sure the baby will miss me one day but lets be honest he does not need a unhappy mother.

My husband wont even let me talk about what I am feeling. He just gets annoyed and walks out. He does not support me or is on my side in any way. I can’t live like a 50s house wife and just take the yelling and blame all the time. No one should have to take the shit I do everyday. I do give it back at times but they have destroyed me and I let them. Maybe I deserve it….

I have taken so much shit over the years it has built up and I am always standing on the edge of a cliff just waiting to be pushed over. It does not take much to send me into the deep canyon below. Just a little wave and I am gone.

It does not seem to matter to my husband or anyone. So I must leave, and my dreams of finishing my story along with any normal life go with it all. I enjoy the idea of changing my name living on the street, maybe I can just die in a alley alone. I would give anything to just be alone.

I don’t want help I don’t want anything. I just want to wait alone until I die and finally find the peace I have been longing for, for a very long time.

I have noting left to give or loose….

Letting go is hard to do/ Current Day 2010

Well today was a lousy day…

My older son’s father was interfering with my communication with my son and made a deal to pick him up at 5:00pm a day early than his scheduled time with me. I of course told my son this was not OK and he needed to communicate changes in the schedule with me. I tried to call his father, however that is always a bad situation headed for a worse one that ended in yelling.

The rules are simple, if my teenager wants to do something he needs to communicate with his father or me so we can discuss changes and make the arrangements. I had plans and had no problem adjusting them.

His father basically manipulated my son into believing the only way he could go and do what he wanted was if he did it his fathers way. This happens more often than not and creates a worse situation because of my anger and frustration for what little time I have with my son. Then the fact his father is always trying to take that time the little time I have by telling my son he will miss out on something important or better if he spends time with me.

I try and communicate through email with his father to maintain a business like relationship. That is the only one we have and are able to have. WE argue like no one can imagine. Regardless of our issues my Son is the one who suffers during all this.

In the past when my son pulls the "I want to leave Dads house because I am unhappy today" routine I support his father and tell my son to resolve the issues then call me if he needs a break. However his father does not do this for me and manipulates Jacob by running to his rescue and saying “your mother is awful huh” then making the situation worse.

Teenagers are teenager and hate their parents one day and love them the next. I understand this, but my frustration and anger sometimes takes over my rational side.

Maybe his dad is right I should just let my son go…. He reminds me everyday how he has him and I do not or never will. TO me in a way this is abusive and hurtful. But what can I do that is his main influence on a daily basis. His father tells him what to believe think and feel. Like so many young boys he wants to please his father and blame his mother.

So I guess it is time for me to let go. My mistakes may never be forgiven and my punishment is loosing my son. It is just hard to step back and not be emotional about your children when they are the air you breathe and love of your life…

Current Day 2010/ expect the worst hope for the best and be thankful if I survive it all

So I have not written in 10 days and I think I am avoiding continuing my own story because I know the part that comes next is really bad. Not worse than what has already been written just horrible because it was my doing. It is hard to write about my own mistakes and admit fault, failure, and my own screw-ups.

In the mean time I am busy with baby’s first birthday. My little angle turned one and he is so beautiful. Full of energy refusing to sleep and stubborn but a beautiful child that I love dearly.

The teenager is growing and trying to mediate his birth parents. The sad part is I do try to keep him out of the issues between his father and myself. However his father drags him into things, manipulating everything that is said then making him upset or angry for no reason. His father just needs to communicate changes in the schedule or other issues to me and not involve the teenager. Here in the adult world just because you don’t like someone does not mean you get to ignore him or her and refuse to talk. You can’t put your hands over your ears or face and scream LALALALALAL! At the top of your lungs. What kind of example is that? I try and reassure the teenager that he does not need to get involved and things are much simpler than they appear. But he seems to just regurgitate anything his dad said. Oh well? He will figure it out like we all have, as we get older. Your parents are not super hero’s and do not have perfect lives they are just people…

My husband and I have been trying and doing better with the fighting. I am almost ready to try therapy with him. I just need some regular time to recover from the hurt before I can open up and talk.


My cousin is home from the hospital with my Granny. I can’t wait to hug them tight and cook his favorite meal. I hope he never stops having such a wonderful attitude after four brain surgeries. He has not really realized that his entire life is changing, or maybe he does and is just fine with it all? I can’t tell right now he seems to be in a good place. My granny is just tired and after 8 weeks in a hospital with my cousin who can blame her.

Well on with the holidays, I hope I survive? I have lots of family and friends to visit.

I have just become a robot trying to make it to the finish line. I think my therapist is worried, he can’t get a reaction out of me. I keep just saying it needs to be done and I have zero control so why should I have expectations. I live today and maybe tomorrow will come. That has always been an issue for me. I can’t rely on others and make plans. Sure I can count on the fact I will be a mother and be there for my kids. So how do I rely on an adult like my husband to make a plan with and not be disappointed? I figure if I don’t want anything and don’t ask for anything then when something happens I will be happy and when nothing happens I won’t be disappointed. He said that is no way to live? I say I have zero control and only frustration if I need anything. I think I will just expect the worst hope for the best and be thankful if I survive it all….

Torn between the truth and my insecurities Current day 2010

I have no created an environment where my husband and I do not really talk. We just get things done. I dislike this type of environment where I am uncomfortable speaking my mind or being honest. I am forced to hold back in fear I will offend him. If I even say to him “you already told me that” in reference to a story he repeats more than twice he tells me I am mean. Or if I say your snoring at night is like torture sometimes because just as I fall asleep it wakes me up and then I can never go to sleep in bed with you. He accuses me of being mean and interprets what I say as an attack on him personally. He acts as though I am telling him he is torturing me. I think he is being too sensitive because this is the way I communicate with most being in my life. I say what I mean no bullshit.

I am cruel at times but not in those situations. I wonder has no body ever told this man the truth? The honest raw brutal truth? DO people actually go around not saying how the feel and think? Unfortunately yes…

It is like I tell me son, say what you mean and use the words you want this is your home and it is the one safe place in the world you get to do that.

I am starting to feel ready to talk to him about things wanting to heal but I can’t talk to him. Some people recommend therapy, but really what is therapist going to say that I can’t?

I am also having issues writing the next part of my life. Life #3 I like to call it, the part where I self-destructed and ruin myself for a few years. What happens is completely my fault and doing. It is harder to write about what I did rather than what was done to me. I was not a nice person all the time and did not deserve how some things happened but still will have to swallow a large amount of embarrassment and guilt to put it in writing the way it should be done, honestly.

Today I have therapy again and maybe there is an answer there, maybe I can talk myself in circles until I find the words I need.

I need to do something because my insecurities from my wounds being opened up and exposed are eating away at me everyday.

I am not myself if I cannot speak my mind and say what I feel. SO today I am torn on if I should try and trust this husband and try or if I should allow the wedge between us to grow.

Thank God I have my good friends like KL and WO I would be alone with my mind in silence all the time. As we all know entering ones mind is like taking a long walk down a dark alley alone. SCARY!

Reflections on Current life and MEN who loved me

TO review the physiological effects constant fear and abuse can have on a person, let me tell you I was and still am to this day damaged. I believe I have the symptoms associated with PTSD. However some things cannot be undone and time does not heal everything. Medication cannot fix anything, and even writing this journal may not do the trick. There are some situations or pain in my life that have made me who I am and caused me to be more than jaded about love. I have learned not to have expectations, I do not believe in fairytales, happy endings, and the idea of a soul mate or anything like that. I am not looking to be completed or share my eternal life with anyone but my kids. I simply do not need to be with anyone. I let go of hope and ideas that society places on you in your youth, like owning a home and raising a family. I just wanted peace.

I can choose to hold on to the bad or embrace the good. I have to want to fix my marriage today but right now I am in a place that I find very familiar it is my hiding place where I wait and do nothing. At least for now I will do nothing. My husband has brought so much pain and anger back into my life with his actions recently I am frozen waiting or stuck. I am frightened of loosing everything and at the same time would like to run away.

Lets start with the good…
I love being a mother, auntie, and having children surrounding me in my life. I am blessed to be apart of their life.
I have a few very close friends that understand me and love me unconditionally that I cannot live with out.
I have a Granny who is my best friend and mother I always wanted.
I have a safe place to live with the essentials and a little more than most.
I have myself and the choice to be here.
I have been loved and continue to be loved unconditionally. My friends who know me accept me.
I have hope things will change.

That being said in my past many men who have been in my life that loved me and never understood me I am sorry for not being "that girl". I was honest when I said things will eventually end, I was serious when I told you all I prefer to be alone. Apart of me is still that way to this day. I would rather be alone or than unhappy. I could live in a box and as long as I have the ability to make money to support my current life I was fine. I am not afraid to work, and enjoy it, I am not afraid of much actually. Not after what has happened. My biggest fear came true in 2004, my son was taken away from me and it traumatized us both to our cores. That type of damage will never be undone no matter who I talk to about it or how many times I say it out loud.

So to the Men who I consider apart of my past….

MEN IN MY PAST
So to all the men in my life that meant something…
Thank you BJ for giving me my son the love of my life.
Thank you GL for making me free to except what I did not know. Showing me how to live without expectations and letting me tell you to leave.
Thank you JC for making me a wife for a few moments and stepmother for a year. Thank you for making me the most beautiful women in your eyes.
Thank you CRK for the unexpected connection no one can explain, great orgasms, and thank you for leaving me.
Thank you JA a lover from another life who will never go away. You definitely gently made love to me every time and expanded my sexual experiences. You made me breathe when I had nothing left, made me feel until I exhausted every emotion. You are with me always and my favorite memory. I just wish we could have a real conversation some time.
Thank you RK for being the man who took control always protecting me and letting me fix you by fixing me. Thank you for accepting me, putting your foot down yet so gently by never letting me gets away with anything. And thank you for leaving as well.
Thank you BF for being a true friend taking care of me and showing me how much I deserve to be taken care of in every way. You spoiled me and taught me it was ok to need. To except all gifts from someone without giving back anything.

I am sorry I could never love any of you the way you needed me to…

I am not sure I have ever truly allowed myself to be in love. Accept my children and a few close girls friends.
Don’t take it as though I am trying to hurt anyone. I have nothing left to give a man.

That is how I feel today in 2010 most the time. I am in love with my children, I am in love with who I am and can be, I am in love with a couple of my close girlfriends, KL, you know who you are…
As for men I am not sure with all the damage, if I can fall in love with any of them?

Journal Entries 2000-2004

#1
Standing in the rain someone whispers does any one live here and she wonders where her heart went. Strange voices speak in the night, as signs pass quickly with wet cold streets. Her Soulful eyes have aged quicker than the rest from Staring in to the windows from her past. So many know her and never forget. . She walks below an empty sky and is everywhere at once then gone before you leave. She has nothing to give you when it is not her you see. Have you ever seen a woman admired by the stars, have you ever seen such beauty light the dark. You will never understand her no matter how you try she belongs to no one and no one asks why. She will let you inside if you can find her heart. She will let you love her if you try. She holds secrets you will never know, and in her smile you will see she can love you like no one could ever dream. No one ever asked no one wanted to know. So it does not matter if she loves them, when they do not want her soul. In a world gone crazy with no one left to blame stands a woman with beauty that cannot be explained. Have you ever seen a woman admired by the stars, have you ever seen such beauty light the dark. You will never understand her no matter how you try she belongs to no one and no one asks why.

#2
Come on in and leave your judgment at the door. Erase my sin and I will show you some more. All the stories end the same and nothing can be true if illusions remain. How do I find myself without knowing where to begin? When beauty is always found where no one has ever been. There is no meaning when you cannot understand my future is determined by who I am. I live a life that wakes me from my sleep now you know why I fear my dreams. Who can decide what is right or wrong. When there is no place I belong. Religion is for those who need boundaries in life, but our beliefs have faded with time. So why not try looking through some one else’s eyes. If we leave our ambitions and get in line, diversity will no longer exists, only the fearless will survive. So why am I punished for not wanting this. Along a journey or on a road I found my faults and now I know. The battles we fight are fought from within. SO are these the memories and thoughts I will forever dread. I live a life that wakes me from my sleep, now you know why I fear my dreams. Who can decide what is right or wrong. When there is no place I belong.


#3
Once again time repeats and I am left without my feet. I have fallen left to bleed all my hopes and my dreams. I visit a place from time to time, but do not find where my heart meets my mind. A struggling life only to survive, an empty hole that becomes deeper with time, a place where pain remains and never heals inside. How do you speak words you cannot find? How do you breathe in a world suffocated by your own mind? Change comes so quickly and then who I thought I was is gone. My ideas, my beliefs, things I thought were mine disappear before my eyes, like the people in my life. I come undone my unconscious self is revealed, yet I still do not know who I am or what I am supposed to be. Can you hold something that is free to change? Can you want something with nothing to gain? Can you love and never know its name. I suffer from the inconsistencies of life there is no stability when all you know are lies. Is there somewhere I do not need to pretend? I thought I had the answers I thought I knew my life. Can anyone show me the place I cannot find?


#4
A troubled past with no desire to explain. Memories with no one left to blame. Change comes so quickly and once again all I can see, all that is left is me. I open my heart by shutting my eyes. Then I shut the door with you left out side. Never a child left to play, always surviving each day. I want more than this life a small voice screams, but how do I get what I have only dreamed. How do I learn to need something I have never seen? IF secrets are told and my soul revealed, can I be safe with so much to feel. When trying to live between the lies and truth that I speak. While walking upon ground that trembles beneath my feet. This is where I wonder within the hopelessness of shattered dreams. Wondering if I will ever deserve the beauty of what I am afraid to be always lost within the crowd, bored with the same routine. If one wish could be granted to me I want to know what forever means.

#5
Is it my mind that is spinning or is it the earth spinning beneath my feet. Is it my heart that is beating or am I imagining the sound. There is a preacher at my door and now he is singing. There is a man down the street and he is begging for his soul. Where did their hearts go? I thought I heard the tears, thought I saw their shadows following me.
Well I can’t escape my nightmares, I can’t escape what I have seen. They can’t run and I can’t hide, so I will try to remember only the good I have seen.
Was that a child standing on the corner of the street? Was that a gun under the seat? What has this world come to? When did their souls leave? I thought I felt their pain as the wind brushed my cheek. Can we begin again? Can we take back the mistakes? Trapped in our own illusions, always blaming fate. Everyone believes in something, a reason to live, other than to feel love, why do they get up? Because money become a need? Did that man die from drink, did they steal something from that woman and make her bleed? Why do they hate, why do they cheat? I saw their hearts fall to their feet.
Well I can’t escape my nightmares, I can’t escape what I have seen. They can’t run and I can’t hide, so I will try to remember only the good I have seen.


#6
A moment in time or the things we feel should be kept close to our hearts so they are always real. But what becomes of me when my heart is larger than my mind. I can see past the web of lie life has left behind, I can feel their pain with every breath that I breathe. If only I could go back and forget what was said, forget how I felt, erase the memories I dread. Maybe then I could replace my nightmares with dreams.
Never taught never loved, and never shown what to believe, has made a woman still a child only able to survive and never know what forever means. They tell me to stop spinning, stop the inconsistencies, so how do I stop the pain when it becomes overwhelming. Must I play the fool time and time again to understand who I am or where I have been? When all I have left to give is my tired soul and love, no one wants it with out the conditions society sets on all of us. Will my heart one day not be so free because my mind takes over when the pain becomes too deep? Must I close off forget how to feel so I can get the job done and become cold like everyone else seems to be. Is there a balance a place in-between where I will be safe to have hope and believe. I need nothing but me, that what I have to give will be enough for someone for more then a day or week. They only see confusion or what I pretend to be. I may be known by many, but few know me. One life one love one chance and it will all be gone before you realize what you had or need. Now they have put price tags on everything, and the value of our emotions has decreased. I will stand and win another fight, I will continue the battle and pretend everything is just fine. If there is one thing I know and I know too well no one wants to know the truth or how you feel, they like to pretend the lies are real. They do not want to hear there is something more then what can be seen and never tell them that the answer is not the simple things. I could go and become a great success I could smile and never mention the rest. But for some reason I would rather just be me and know I lived each day with my whole heart and not just part of me.


#7
Fools smile, bar scenes, empty hearts, forgotten souls, corner streets, passing by so quickly, and a freeway of dreams out of reach
I am nowhere to be seen yet reaching out I open my mouth to scream, not a sound leaves
I find myself Forgiving you but never letting the grip loosen on feeling the pain you left me
Will saying goodbye release the end of a fantasy an idea a need
Like a door revolving in circles the smiles and faces fade in and out through the glass.
Going nowhere, the same people in a world spin around me trapped
In and out of places searching for something we all lack, while I drag my heart around, hoping to see you looking back
I walk along the wet cold street as another memory pours out of me and then world starts pushing back reminding me where I am at
Unreachable by anyone, the rush of emotion knocks me to the ground and the air escapes my chest I won’t take another chance. I won’t let you use me or ever let you in
So many tears have come and gone more pieces of my heart have broken from what you never said.
Tell me the passions you can not explain tell me secrets and pain, tell me your dreams just believe that what you say will never hurt as much as when you leave
If I take the time the pain would go away, if I die it will be too late
I can still feel you, smell you, and need you, impressions you left within me never let go
leave me alone while I lie awake and never sleep
Days go by and I know you will forget me
Looking past the sky I feel high becoming blind everyday watching everything change before my eyes
Lay me down lay next take the best part of me listen to my voice watch me sleep lead me away from these things
I awake and now know what I should see,
Every star in the sky speaks the same thing, they can walk in and out but I can never leave with my heart always free without letting go and knowing everything
Shadows change the laughter becomes silent, the last taxi is called
Here I am getting in as my heart falls out of my chest and into the gutter once again saying goodbye

Court battles/ The day I died... 1995-2004

My son’s father and I had a routine down by arguing about everything and my son being tossed back and forth in the middle. I would try and get along however his temper and controlling nature verses my independence was never a good match. His father was always with another women. Once he was married again he want all his children in his house with him. Child support was never guaranteed and was fought about every time in court. Jacob was taken care of financially no matter the case.

My son’s father was always angry and yelling at me, threatening me, making me feel scared or on edge all the time. He was good at that and I gave him the power to hurt me. He was very manipulative and would sometimes pretend to be my friend or somehow regain my trust and then slap me with more court paper work.

One occasion he used my weakness of being busy and not being able to afford daycare. He told me to leave my son with his mother. She then took him to the doctor after he fell playing and told the doctor I hit my child. I didn’t see my son for some time, because they then hid him from me and told the court I abused him. This type of manipulation and game playing was done often.

My parents disagreed with my life choices and the fact I remained single. My parents are very religious conservative and think children should have a two-parent home no matter what the circumstances. Since I choose not to live by their rules I did not have their support. This has remained the rule with them to this day. If they do not approve of my choices they do not support me. I guess it is only fair because I do not agree with their life choices and judgmental behavior. However I would never turn my back on my child they way they have with me.

The battles in court started to become worse and my son’s father took my medical records from my childhood and used them to take my son from me calming I was a bad mother because I had been abused as a child. My mother helped him in court a lot. I remember reading in my medical records from when I was 13 years old, that they actually submitted as evidence. It was from a Physiologist that preformed a evaluation on me. His report said I had superior intelligence 187 IQ or something. That they did not find me to be bipolar or manic-depressive but I had social issues. (Go Figure??) Then the part that I cried over was when he wrote I kept shaking and apologizing for shaking because the medication my mom made me take made my hands shale all the time and I could not draw a straight line. That must have been when my mother was giving me high dosages of Lithium and Prozac. Then the part of the report that they highlighted for the judge was “Mothers Comments” in big letters. My mother told the courts and doctor I was Manic depressive, needed medication because I was out of control among other things. My parents helped my son’s father betray me as a unfit person due to their personal opinions of my life choices. This was done after they had not been apart of my life for many years and knew nothing about me.


Another example of strange and awful court issues surrounded a police report I filed on BJ in 2002 for giving me two black eyes and a fractured nose. The mediator at the time in court decided to use this evidence in her report but in BJ’s favor.
I will never forget when I read the mediators report after BJ hit me so hard my nose cracked and I had two black eyes. She wrote he must have been acting out of the best interest of the child. I have the document and would love to show it to someone who can explain to me why a licensed physiologist would first make me sit in the same room as someone who abused me and then tell him it was expectable to hit me. The police report was vague and they didn’t know who to believe since BJ’s friends where writing letters on his behalf. He belonged to the local pipefitters union who preformed contracts for the county and the police station the report resided in. I didn’t have anyone but my son. I was named the aggressor in one police report when I had a black eye!! I am 5ft 4 inches 140 pounds and BJ is 6ft 5inches 280 pounds. Because BJ’s friends, union brothers and family said I started it therefore the police chose their story and BJ did not have a mark on him.

My son was ping ponged back and forth for a number of years due to this type of arguing. Bryan went through women and I went through Jobs. I was working two jobs and then was married for around 9 months by age 20 as I mentioned. I just kept doing what I had to do always praying for time.

My health was starting to become an issue and I ended up in the hospital the first time with endometriosis and cists on my ovaries. I started having digestive issues and couldn’t eat or sleep. Totaled three cars in two years, and was making decent money throwing it all away on Vacations, cars, friends, my sisters and my son of course. I took my son to Disney land, Maui, all the best Musicals with VIP seats in the orchestra. I bought my son everything and anything he wanted. After a while my body started having pain all the time, I guess my girl parts where falling out or at least that is what I though. I was on painkillers more often and kept going. I was happy I thought?

I don’t think words will ever describe how my son and I feel about each other, my son watched me go through so much. I tried to hide it but it was just he and I and I stood by him as he went through life too. I would like to say I protected him the best I could, however I learned years ago I couldn’t protect him and had to teach him to protect himself. My power to protect him was taken from me by the courts and police or his father. I couldn’t be with him every moment because of all the ciaos around us. I could prepare him and help him learn to protect himself. It is a horrible feeling not to be able to protect your only son. Maybe I could have done more I didn’t know. The system was failing me and the lawyers, judges; police made it except able for BJ to hit me beat me down verbally or physically until I was almost ready to give up. The power was on the side of someone who had large numbers of people willing to testify including a powerful Local Union. They would all swear I was lying all the time. I didn’t have friends and never had time for anyone or anything but work, college, or my son. BJ won and everyone loved BJ. He was always that great guy everyone adored, but behind closed doors especially mine, he was a monster I could not fight.

I was a honest emotional women, I always have been always will be. I didn’t have the skills to fight a deceptive person like that back then. I still believed the truth would come out one day and it would be alright. Love me or hate me I will tell the truth nothing more. That does not always win you friends and I am many things, but socially excepted or popular like BJ I am not. Unfortunately the social game BJ won, even with his womanizing and abuse. I guess anything is excusable when you have money, friends, and contacts with the county your case is residing in. He won, and I lost paying the price of being torn apart from my son.

For a long time I felt so beaten down from the years of abuse by BJ I would lose jobs or just be too emotional to function. I had just me and my son, I felt so alone in the fight, and I questioned my own reality. Maybe I was never good enough to be a mother, maybe they were right I should be beaten and abused. For a long time I felt I did something to deserve it or at times thought I was a horrible person. I just kept looking at the little boy I loved and tried to move forward.


During those years everything was fast and I didn’t pay attention to my health or the details. I was in a hurry to get things done. Most of the time I was working two jobs, taking college classes maintaining a 3.4 GPA or better. My jobs were always intense build out projects for Chase Manhattan Mortgage, developing software, teaching application software to corporate employees. I continued my education in Real Estate, business and software, then took a couple medical classes for fun. I was becoming a great project manager and working with larger companies. My work consisted of anything that that the company needed. My main focus was construction and contract negotiation for real estate. I would locate a new available space for the company build out the site then manage the contracts operations everything. Sometimes I was hired just to focus on the problems for companies in distress or problematic situations. I would evaluate and then make recommendations, everything from employee performance to structuring the departments and setting up new departments within the company structure. I went out and earned my Real Estate License, my Insurance Brokers License, and even took a electronic engineer class once.

I made sure I could meet with my son’s teachers, pick up my son from school and was home every night to cook for him. My life was a blur living in the Bay Area and when my son was gone visiting his father I would work as a Bartender or wait tables on the weekend or at least try something normal. I didn’t drink till almost 22 yrs old. Since my life was so sheltered I was forced to learn quickly about the predators lurking in the bars and clubs. Being a somewhat attractive girl I always had men willing to take me to dinner or buy me something nice. I really didn’t see the harm in it, I didn’t think of the consequences of flirting. I had a couple long-term relationships one good friendship and caretaker. I still never allowed my son to be involved other than two of them met my son a couple times. One of the men spent some time with both of us, as my son got older and could understand the difference between friends and lovers. I always kept a clear distance from my son and any man in my life. I made it clear to anyone I was involved with they would not be involved with my son. I was his parent they were not. My son knew I had friends my age nothing more, just like he had friends his age.

By the time my son was 6 BJ had ended a marriage with another women, they had a child together. It was one thing that I had to take the abuse from BJ the fact I had some women doing it to me as well was twice as worst. But I am so tired of fighting I just take it and move on. BJ has never lived alone been alone and when my son was a baby he would send him home if he was sick. I don’t think BJ could tie his own shoes without a women around and he definitely could not care for child on his own. Maybe that was my mistake; if I would have sucked it up and got married it would have given me leverage in court. BJ and his first wife had a son 5 years younger than my son. Bryan found a better option and was moving in with her. Bryan wanted to drag the boys with him to the new women’s house so I objected. The new girlfriend would call to yell at me telling me I had no control and should do what I was told or else. This of course triggered my emotions to protect my son who was asking me to now let them take him to another women’s house. It wasn’t that I cared about who he was dating or wanted to keep my son from his father. My son was being dragged through his father’s relationships and his father would have these women take care of the kids so he could work or go out. SO when my son was with him he was left with dad’s new girlfriends. One of the women actually hit him once and my son being left with different women every 3 years was not OK for him or me. I never had some guy be held responsible for my son while I did whatever I wanted. He is my son and my responsibility.
BJ always believed that because I was not the same type of parent as him or did not parent my son the way he did that I was a unfit mother and not capable of taking care of him. This was far from reality I never claimed to be perfect but I never needed BJ or his approval to raise my son, which only fueled the arguments between us.

I had at this time just found out all the pain killers, hormones, anti anxiety pills, and other issues with my girl parts and digestive system where getting worse and I was getting really sick. My digestive system kept shutting down during anxiety attacks and I had developed cervical cancer and after all the other cists removal procedures, bleeding issues and constant pain, I needed another procedure to remove pre cancers’ cell on my cervix. I was a mess and BJ new it so he attacked. I freaked out and feared he would seriously hurt me or take my son again. When I disobeyed him he beat me down physically or verbally for it and then would take my son.

I did what I thought I should do to protect myself, I filed for a restraining order again he had it dismissed again. The court paper work was filed and I was really sick. My friend from the East Coast was helping me maintain my residence and visited once a month. He didn’t know what to do and told me he was in love with me. I will admit many men have loved me. I just can’t love anyone or give them what they need. I really felt and still feel I am meant to be alone and prefer it. Now it was just a matter of time, before it all ended or fell apart. I was not in any shape to get involved with a man. I was falling apart no attorney, no money, sick, and trying to hold on. I should have never gotten into a fight with BJ in this state.

Bryan won again in court and my son was taken out of my house in the middle of the school year to go live his father and new girlfriend. I didn’t have the power to fight this time and Bryan came to my house with the cops and his friends. He pulled me in a room and told me “see what you get for disobeying me” and then took my son, he took everything to Roseville almost three hours away.

I died that day, I remember being on the sidewalk after the reading at the court letter that said they awarded full custody to Bryan. I have never been in so much pain in my life. They took my son and I still can’t understand why. I read the court letter over and over but never quite found the Judges reason why. How could someone do that to me or a child? I wasn’t a drug attic, I didn’t hurt my son, and I wasn’t even on welfare.
I found out later that the attorney Bryan had hired had a lawsuit with my father 20 years ago and my father won. Along with the fact the attorney went to college with the judge and don’t forget BJ worked for a powerful Union that did work for the County. They submitted my childhood medical records as evidence to say I was unstable from abuse issues. My mother testified against me and Bryan had more friends, family on his side on his behalf.

I had letters from school officials my son’s therapist and my sons school mate’s parents saying it was in my son’s best interest to stay with me. Nothing helped I lost my son; I lost custody of my son. My son was no longer legally my son. My son was gone….
I died that day right there on the street in front of the court house and to this day will never forget how it felt.

For my SON

Hey you, come along and hear me
Hey you, I never thought this would be happening
Something’s were never meant to be
Loosening you was one of those things
Hey you, don’t worry
There is something better waiting for you and me
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me
Hey you, wishes do come true
Hey you, dreams can speak to you
Angels say no one can take me from you
Because god gave me to you so he must be in love with you too.
Something inside me is breaking for you
Something inside me is changing for you
Hey you, don’t cry everything will be alright
Hey you, listen to me I will never leave
Something’s can’t be taken away so easily
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me


I still say I will never understand what really happened. The only thing I know is he who has the most money wins! If you are a parent or not I am sure you will understand the devastation I felt. My heart left my body that day and I died physically, emotionally in every way and did not want to live anymore.

I ended up getting off all the hormones having my procedure to remove the cells on my cervix and fell ill with pneumonia for 3 months immediately after. Everything and everyone left, I was really incoherent with the phenomena and everything else. My friend from the Eat Coast said it was time for him to move on and I had to go, so I was forced to move again.

I began to completely self destructed with anger and pain driving my efforts.