Well
the holidays have come and gone again amd there is nothing better than your
family in their PJs together. The kids
were happy, everyone being nice because it’s a holiday… It is another magical world where peace exist
once a year. Even my Granny was happy
and not in pain from her back for a few hours.
This
year I spent too much money and even bought a special gift for just my boys
that I am now playing every night while they are in bed. If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend
an XBOX One. This generation of video
games are simply amazing. I think I might loose some sleep this next month.
I
have also been driving every weekend to make make sure the kids see there
grandparents who are 3.5 hours away each way.
Up and back, up and Back, up and back….
But that is what you do right?
They are getting older and need to see their grandkids.
Seems
simply nice to be home, and not worry about the immediate day filled with
school, work, and everything else. It is
like a mini break from reality… Oh, but
its over, really over.
Someone
asked me today, what did your boys get you for gifts? I wasn’t sure how to respond, I did not even
realize after all the gifts I wrapped for the kids, from the kids to their dad,
or brother, or grandparent, that I did not get anything for myself. I don’t think of the holidays or my life is
about me, it is about them and I accepted that a long time ago. I actually asked them not to get me
anything. They are boys, they need to
not try to shop for me.
So
I went out and bought myself some new running shoes . Aside from that , the man I live with and
have two kids forgot what I am allergic to, and had one kids pick out a
necklace I cannot wear, (metal allergies) and a pair of workout pants that I
had to return. I said, thank you for the
necklace, to my five year old. I did
have words with their father and was appalled that he cant even remember,
figure out or ask anyone I know to find out that I have a metal allergy he has
been told about, to most metals aside from gold. I honestly specifically told him not to buy
me anything for this very reason. Not
because I am ungrateful for the effort, but I knew I would be more annoyed with
the reminder that he knows nothing about me and is a complete narcissist.
The
rest of the two weeks we were all home, after the man I live was gone to Canada
to have hair transplant surgery for a week.
Because that is more important than college funds for the kids, a trust
and will set up, or working out and being
healthy. RIGHT? Any who….
I spent the last few weeks cooking and baking for his family as they
cycled through our house and making sure everyone had what they needed.
I
thought for a min that maybe he was getting better when he actually hung the
blinds I asked for in the kids room and went with me and the kids to the church
new years party for a few hours. But no,
I found out the next day he wanted something and threw it in my face so he
could manipulate and use the fact he did something for me to get what he
wanted. He wants to leave for a few days
to go drink and play Dungeons and Dragons with the other 45 year old
nerds. I said nothing of course while I
tried not to die a little inside for being so stupid to hope he would do
anything just because it made me happy or because it is the right thing to do. It is the right thing to be with your family and support them at events. He didn’t even go to his kids baptisms
why would I think for one minute this would be different. I am an idiot, no body changes.
MY
life is like my new favorite song by JAMES
VINCENT MCMORROW, “We Don’t Eat” See
below.
In the meant time, I am learning to say
nothing. He tries to get me to say
something about him leaving for a friends, I say go have fun and somehow that
turns into him not going because I wont let him and now the rest of my life is
spent hiding form his wrath and bullshit.
I just laughed after a while and said “why would I care if you leave, I
am not going to miss the snoring, the drinking or having someone talk about
themselves obsessively.” Geez…. I said do what you want and go, but NO that isn’t
enough? He needs permission and me to
SAY yes its okay or something. He has no
clue I don’t want to talk to him anymore.
I am just disappointed daily with the fact he has never bothered to truly
get to know me or understand the importance of putting family first.
SO on with my night, I shed my tear, bitched about
it, and now back to the joyous part my beautiful kids, my projects, workout,
and everything I love. Making Paella and
singing, I just need to move on and let him be.
Love my babies and my joy!
Song
by JAMES VINCENT MCMORROW, “We Don’t
Eat” See below. Thinking of have some of
the lyrics put onto canvas to put in the dinning room. See if anyone notices… LOL
If this is redemption, why do I bother at all?
There's nothing to mention, and nothing has
changed
Still I'd rather be working for something, than
praying for the rain
So I wander on, until someone else is saved
I moved to the coast, under a mountain
Swam in the ocean, slept on my own
At dawn I would watch the sun cut ribbons
through the bay
I'd remember all the things my mother wrote
That we don't eat until your father's at the
table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to
love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust
Two thousand years, I've been in that water
Two thousand years, sunk like a stone
Desperately reaching for nets
That the fishermen have thrown
Trying to find, a little bit of hope
Me, I was holding all of my secrets soft and hid
Pages were folded, then there was nothing at all
So if in the future I might need myself a savior
I'll remember what was written on that wall
That we don't eat until your father's at the
table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to
love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust
Am I an honest man and true?
Have I been good to you at all?
Oh I'm so tired of playing these games
We'd just be running down
The same old lines, the same old stories of
Breathless trains and, worn down glories
Houses burning, worlds that turn on their own
So we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to
love
So if I were you my friend, I'd learn to have
just a little bit of trust
