Normal Holidays/ Current 2010

I use to hate the holidays and a part of me tarts out every year by saying out loud “oh God here we go” the minute November rolls around.

This year I have loved every moment except the grocery store on Christmas Eve. I love being an Auntie and mother, the holidays are really just about the kids for me. They tend to make everything Magical.

Yesterday I spent baking and went to the store maybe 5 times.
I could not find my rolling pin then forgot cream, then was asked to get cheese, then… You get the idea.

During my journey through the Traders Joes the 3rd time I recalled a conversation I had with a stranger there one day. We randomly started talking about kids and how it is very difficult to have more than 2 in the Bay Area and afford a comfortable life for them. He then started in about how Mormons have 6 or more kids and I said yes they tend to crank them out. He laughed and said “well somebody should tell them it is not a clown car it is a Vigina.” I almost died of laughter and enjoyed the comment. Why strangers feel comfortable with being so open with me I will never know. I decided a long time ago I could enjoy it for what it is… Entertaining!

Yesterday a good friend and old LOVER called to chat about his life and we talked for some time. I do miss him and love him dearly. He seems to no matter what remains a part of my life and is one of the few people I can trust. It is easy I guess to be friends or whatever with him. That makes all the difference….

Lets see my mother is the same judgmental disapproving person she always is and will be. I am not sure why I speak to her anymore and I say that out loud every time I get off the phone with her. I just called to try and have a normal conversation and this is what I get… Her tone, and snide comments about my abilities as a parent are always negative. Sorry MOM not everyone is a 50s housewife like you. My mother has no desire to be educated, work, and never has been without her father or my father to take care of her. Harsh reality will hit when and if my father dies first. OH well, you can’t change people….

On a fun note,,,
The baby has discovered that his diaper pail makes things disappear?

Things are pretty normal around here, the baby is sleeping with his father, I am up and can’t sleep, the holidays are here and I can’t wait for the kids to see what Santa brought them!!

On the 3rd day came the TRUTH/ Current 2010

It is going on three days of crap from my teenager and his father. I stopped answering the phone.

It is amazing how everyone I know in my life knows me for my honesty but my son.
The poor kid wants to believe his father and there is nothing I can do. I am faced with the dilemma of if he does come to my house again I have to be the parent and set boundaries. He can’t just leave my house whenever he wants and call me names.
I know his father’s lies pushed him and ultimately his father wins no matter what I do. My teenager has been lied to for so long by his father he just can’t see past it all.
Again this is my life and I am trying to figure out how to be better but I am becoming a doormat to his father and my teenager. So where does it end….
I would love to call my parents and explain the mess they assisted in with all this. But that is what my teenager father wants, more conflict. My parents continue a loving relationship with them and in turn allow him to manipulate the facts into telling my son that they don’t want to be apart of my life so why should he.
This is all far from the truth and I sit here silently just taking it all in….

On a good note my husband has stood up for me finally, in his own way. He isn’t playing into my anger over this and instead being supportive. He is actually involving himself in a positive manner. I guess that is good.

I am looking forward to seeing my nephews and nieces, spending time with my baby and enjoying my Granny for Christmas like I always do. It is just hard to be silent and not say anything, smile for the camera as I always do and pretend everything is all right.

Everyone keeps telling me to let it go and don’t feel bad. That as many know is easier said than done.

Today was more positive, tomorrow can be better. I am not running away and will stay for what I have left… The TRUTH

easier said than done…. / Current Day 2010

So now it has come to my attention that my teenagers father set us all up again for a fall. My son was told and reassured by his father numerous time that he was in fact communicating with me about the schedule changes.

That my son was lied to by his father and told that I knew everything and did not want him to go. SO I was upset and fell right into his fathers manipulation again.

There is nothing I can do if my son does not believe me and does not want to believe his father is lying.

I am at a loss of words to even try and figure out why a parent manipulates their child like this. Why he continues to play the games at my sons expense I will never know.

People tell me my son will figure it out one day and know the truth. I don’t believe that and think that his father will never stop.

There is nothing I can do, I cant leave, I can’t discipline my son, I can’t be honest with my teenager. Everything is turned into an issue for me.

I hope his father is happy and understands what he has won.

This is what I have been dealing with for 15 years and what will continue until I shut my son out or he figures out the truth. I don’t think either is possible.

People tell me to play the game keep my mouth shut and do nothing. That is easier said than done….

Killing time until I die/ Current Day 2010

I have made many mistakes in my life. I have been hated, harmed, and told daily at I am worthless. I have fought until I cannot fight anymore; I have tried again and again to change. Today it has come to an end. I give up…

I came to the realization that I don’t have to live this life anymore. It may be selfish and I may regret it one day, but there is nothing left to loose. I fear I may open a vein to bleed out just to feel anything but how I feel now.

My teenager told me he does not want to see me anymore. Everything is my fault and I pushed him to choose. So let this be a lesson that no matter how hard you fight for your kids and no matter what you do your wrong. I am wrong.

I really don’t know how to live anymore after fighting so long for him. What he has decided has shook me to my core. I know this has been a decision greatly influenced by his father. I know I made mistakes to, but how do I live without him and why would I keep living the life I have when it was for him.

Sure the baby will miss me one day but lets be honest he does not need a unhappy mother.

My husband wont even let me talk about what I am feeling. He just gets annoyed and walks out. He does not support me or is on my side in any way. I can’t live like a 50s house wife and just take the yelling and blame all the time. No one should have to take the shit I do everyday. I do give it back at times but they have destroyed me and I let them. Maybe I deserve it….

I have taken so much shit over the years it has built up and I am always standing on the edge of a cliff just waiting to be pushed over. It does not take much to send me into the deep canyon below. Just a little wave and I am gone.

It does not seem to matter to my husband or anyone. So I must leave, and my dreams of finishing my story along with any normal life go with it all. I enjoy the idea of changing my name living on the street, maybe I can just die in a alley alone. I would give anything to just be alone.

I don’t want help I don’t want anything. I just want to wait alone until I die and finally find the peace I have been longing for, for a very long time.

I have noting left to give or loose….

Letting go is hard to do/ Current Day 2010

Well today was a lousy day…

My older son’s father was interfering with my communication with my son and made a deal to pick him up at 5:00pm a day early than his scheduled time with me. I of course told my son this was not OK and he needed to communicate changes in the schedule with me. I tried to call his father, however that is always a bad situation headed for a worse one that ended in yelling.

The rules are simple, if my teenager wants to do something he needs to communicate with his father or me so we can discuss changes and make the arrangements. I had plans and had no problem adjusting them.

His father basically manipulated my son into believing the only way he could go and do what he wanted was if he did it his fathers way. This happens more often than not and creates a worse situation because of my anger and frustration for what little time I have with my son. Then the fact his father is always trying to take that time the little time I have by telling my son he will miss out on something important or better if he spends time with me.

I try and communicate through email with his father to maintain a business like relationship. That is the only one we have and are able to have. WE argue like no one can imagine. Regardless of our issues my Son is the one who suffers during all this.

In the past when my son pulls the "I want to leave Dads house because I am unhappy today" routine I support his father and tell my son to resolve the issues then call me if he needs a break. However his father does not do this for me and manipulates Jacob by running to his rescue and saying “your mother is awful huh” then making the situation worse.

Teenagers are teenager and hate their parents one day and love them the next. I understand this, but my frustration and anger sometimes takes over my rational side.

Maybe his dad is right I should just let my son go…. He reminds me everyday how he has him and I do not or never will. TO me in a way this is abusive and hurtful. But what can I do that is his main influence on a daily basis. His father tells him what to believe think and feel. Like so many young boys he wants to please his father and blame his mother.

So I guess it is time for me to let go. My mistakes may never be forgiven and my punishment is loosing my son. It is just hard to step back and not be emotional about your children when they are the air you breathe and love of your life…

Current Day 2010/ expect the worst hope for the best and be thankful if I survive it all

So I have not written in 10 days and I think I am avoiding continuing my own story because I know the part that comes next is really bad. Not worse than what has already been written just horrible because it was my doing. It is hard to write about my own mistakes and admit fault, failure, and my own screw-ups.

In the mean time I am busy with baby’s first birthday. My little angle turned one and he is so beautiful. Full of energy refusing to sleep and stubborn but a beautiful child that I love dearly.

The teenager is growing and trying to mediate his birth parents. The sad part is I do try to keep him out of the issues between his father and myself. However his father drags him into things, manipulating everything that is said then making him upset or angry for no reason. His father just needs to communicate changes in the schedule or other issues to me and not involve the teenager. Here in the adult world just because you don’t like someone does not mean you get to ignore him or her and refuse to talk. You can’t put your hands over your ears or face and scream LALALALALAL! At the top of your lungs. What kind of example is that? I try and reassure the teenager that he does not need to get involved and things are much simpler than they appear. But he seems to just regurgitate anything his dad said. Oh well? He will figure it out like we all have, as we get older. Your parents are not super hero’s and do not have perfect lives they are just people…

My husband and I have been trying and doing better with the fighting. I am almost ready to try therapy with him. I just need some regular time to recover from the hurt before I can open up and talk.


My cousin is home from the hospital with my Granny. I can’t wait to hug them tight and cook his favorite meal. I hope he never stops having such a wonderful attitude after four brain surgeries. He has not really realized that his entire life is changing, or maybe he does and is just fine with it all? I can’t tell right now he seems to be in a good place. My granny is just tired and after 8 weeks in a hospital with my cousin who can blame her.

Well on with the holidays, I hope I survive? I have lots of family and friends to visit.

I have just become a robot trying to make it to the finish line. I think my therapist is worried, he can’t get a reaction out of me. I keep just saying it needs to be done and I have zero control so why should I have expectations. I live today and maybe tomorrow will come. That has always been an issue for me. I can’t rely on others and make plans. Sure I can count on the fact I will be a mother and be there for my kids. So how do I rely on an adult like my husband to make a plan with and not be disappointed? I figure if I don’t want anything and don’t ask for anything then when something happens I will be happy and when nothing happens I won’t be disappointed. He said that is no way to live? I say I have zero control and only frustration if I need anything. I think I will just expect the worst hope for the best and be thankful if I survive it all….

Torn between the truth and my insecurities Current day 2010

I have no created an environment where my husband and I do not really talk. We just get things done. I dislike this type of environment where I am uncomfortable speaking my mind or being honest. I am forced to hold back in fear I will offend him. If I even say to him “you already told me that” in reference to a story he repeats more than twice he tells me I am mean. Or if I say your snoring at night is like torture sometimes because just as I fall asleep it wakes me up and then I can never go to sleep in bed with you. He accuses me of being mean and interprets what I say as an attack on him personally. He acts as though I am telling him he is torturing me. I think he is being too sensitive because this is the way I communicate with most being in my life. I say what I mean no bullshit.

I am cruel at times but not in those situations. I wonder has no body ever told this man the truth? The honest raw brutal truth? DO people actually go around not saying how the feel and think? Unfortunately yes…

It is like I tell me son, say what you mean and use the words you want this is your home and it is the one safe place in the world you get to do that.

I am starting to feel ready to talk to him about things wanting to heal but I can’t talk to him. Some people recommend therapy, but really what is therapist going to say that I can’t?

I am also having issues writing the next part of my life. Life #3 I like to call it, the part where I self-destructed and ruin myself for a few years. What happens is completely my fault and doing. It is harder to write about what I did rather than what was done to me. I was not a nice person all the time and did not deserve how some things happened but still will have to swallow a large amount of embarrassment and guilt to put it in writing the way it should be done, honestly.

Today I have therapy again and maybe there is an answer there, maybe I can talk myself in circles until I find the words I need.

I need to do something because my insecurities from my wounds being opened up and exposed are eating away at me everyday.

I am not myself if I cannot speak my mind and say what I feel. SO today I am torn on if I should try and trust this husband and try or if I should allow the wedge between us to grow.

Thank God I have my good friends like KL and WO I would be alone with my mind in silence all the time. As we all know entering ones mind is like taking a long walk down a dark alley alone. SCARY!

Reflections on Current life and MEN who loved me

TO review the physiological effects constant fear and abuse can have on a person, let me tell you I was and still am to this day damaged. I believe I have the symptoms associated with PTSD. However some things cannot be undone and time does not heal everything. Medication cannot fix anything, and even writing this journal may not do the trick. There are some situations or pain in my life that have made me who I am and caused me to be more than jaded about love. I have learned not to have expectations, I do not believe in fairytales, happy endings, and the idea of a soul mate or anything like that. I am not looking to be completed or share my eternal life with anyone but my kids. I simply do not need to be with anyone. I let go of hope and ideas that society places on you in your youth, like owning a home and raising a family. I just wanted peace.

I can choose to hold on to the bad or embrace the good. I have to want to fix my marriage today but right now I am in a place that I find very familiar it is my hiding place where I wait and do nothing. At least for now I will do nothing. My husband has brought so much pain and anger back into my life with his actions recently I am frozen waiting or stuck. I am frightened of loosing everything and at the same time would like to run away.

Lets start with the good…
I love being a mother, auntie, and having children surrounding me in my life. I am blessed to be apart of their life.
I have a few very close friends that understand me and love me unconditionally that I cannot live with out.
I have a Granny who is my best friend and mother I always wanted.
I have a safe place to live with the essentials and a little more than most.
I have myself and the choice to be here.
I have been loved and continue to be loved unconditionally. My friends who know me accept me.
I have hope things will change.

That being said in my past many men who have been in my life that loved me and never understood me I am sorry for not being "that girl". I was honest when I said things will eventually end, I was serious when I told you all I prefer to be alone. Apart of me is still that way to this day. I would rather be alone or than unhappy. I could live in a box and as long as I have the ability to make money to support my current life I was fine. I am not afraid to work, and enjoy it, I am not afraid of much actually. Not after what has happened. My biggest fear came true in 2004, my son was taken away from me and it traumatized us both to our cores. That type of damage will never be undone no matter who I talk to about it or how many times I say it out loud.

So to the Men who I consider apart of my past….

MEN IN MY PAST
So to all the men in my life that meant something…
Thank you BJ for giving me my son the love of my life.
Thank you GL for making me free to except what I did not know. Showing me how to live without expectations and letting me tell you to leave.
Thank you JC for making me a wife for a few moments and stepmother for a year. Thank you for making me the most beautiful women in your eyes.
Thank you CRK for the unexpected connection no one can explain, great orgasms, and thank you for leaving me.
Thank you JA a lover from another life who will never go away. You definitely gently made love to me every time and expanded my sexual experiences. You made me breathe when I had nothing left, made me feel until I exhausted every emotion. You are with me always and my favorite memory. I just wish we could have a real conversation some time.
Thank you RK for being the man who took control always protecting me and letting me fix you by fixing me. Thank you for accepting me, putting your foot down yet so gently by never letting me gets away with anything. And thank you for leaving as well.
Thank you BF for being a true friend taking care of me and showing me how much I deserve to be taken care of in every way. You spoiled me and taught me it was ok to need. To except all gifts from someone without giving back anything.

I am sorry I could never love any of you the way you needed me to…

I am not sure I have ever truly allowed myself to be in love. Accept my children and a few close girls friends.
Don’t take it as though I am trying to hurt anyone. I have nothing left to give a man.

That is how I feel today in 2010 most the time. I am in love with my children, I am in love with who I am and can be, I am in love with a couple of my close girlfriends, KL, you know who you are…
As for men I am not sure with all the damage, if I can fall in love with any of them?

Journal Entries 2000-2004

#1
Standing in the rain someone whispers does any one live here and she wonders where her heart went. Strange voices speak in the night, as signs pass quickly with wet cold streets. Her Soulful eyes have aged quicker than the rest from Staring in to the windows from her past. So many know her and never forget. . She walks below an empty sky and is everywhere at once then gone before you leave. She has nothing to give you when it is not her you see. Have you ever seen a woman admired by the stars, have you ever seen such beauty light the dark. You will never understand her no matter how you try she belongs to no one and no one asks why. She will let you inside if you can find her heart. She will let you love her if you try. She holds secrets you will never know, and in her smile you will see she can love you like no one could ever dream. No one ever asked no one wanted to know. So it does not matter if she loves them, when they do not want her soul. In a world gone crazy with no one left to blame stands a woman with beauty that cannot be explained. Have you ever seen a woman admired by the stars, have you ever seen such beauty light the dark. You will never understand her no matter how you try she belongs to no one and no one asks why.

#2
Come on in and leave your judgment at the door. Erase my sin and I will show you some more. All the stories end the same and nothing can be true if illusions remain. How do I find myself without knowing where to begin? When beauty is always found where no one has ever been. There is no meaning when you cannot understand my future is determined by who I am. I live a life that wakes me from my sleep now you know why I fear my dreams. Who can decide what is right or wrong. When there is no place I belong. Religion is for those who need boundaries in life, but our beliefs have faded with time. So why not try looking through some one else’s eyes. If we leave our ambitions and get in line, diversity will no longer exists, only the fearless will survive. So why am I punished for not wanting this. Along a journey or on a road I found my faults and now I know. The battles we fight are fought from within. SO are these the memories and thoughts I will forever dread. I live a life that wakes me from my sleep, now you know why I fear my dreams. Who can decide what is right or wrong. When there is no place I belong.


#3
Once again time repeats and I am left without my feet. I have fallen left to bleed all my hopes and my dreams. I visit a place from time to time, but do not find where my heart meets my mind. A struggling life only to survive, an empty hole that becomes deeper with time, a place where pain remains and never heals inside. How do you speak words you cannot find? How do you breathe in a world suffocated by your own mind? Change comes so quickly and then who I thought I was is gone. My ideas, my beliefs, things I thought were mine disappear before my eyes, like the people in my life. I come undone my unconscious self is revealed, yet I still do not know who I am or what I am supposed to be. Can you hold something that is free to change? Can you want something with nothing to gain? Can you love and never know its name. I suffer from the inconsistencies of life there is no stability when all you know are lies. Is there somewhere I do not need to pretend? I thought I had the answers I thought I knew my life. Can anyone show me the place I cannot find?


#4
A troubled past with no desire to explain. Memories with no one left to blame. Change comes so quickly and once again all I can see, all that is left is me. I open my heart by shutting my eyes. Then I shut the door with you left out side. Never a child left to play, always surviving each day. I want more than this life a small voice screams, but how do I get what I have only dreamed. How do I learn to need something I have never seen? IF secrets are told and my soul revealed, can I be safe with so much to feel. When trying to live between the lies and truth that I speak. While walking upon ground that trembles beneath my feet. This is where I wonder within the hopelessness of shattered dreams. Wondering if I will ever deserve the beauty of what I am afraid to be always lost within the crowd, bored with the same routine. If one wish could be granted to me I want to know what forever means.

#5
Is it my mind that is spinning or is it the earth spinning beneath my feet. Is it my heart that is beating or am I imagining the sound. There is a preacher at my door and now he is singing. There is a man down the street and he is begging for his soul. Where did their hearts go? I thought I heard the tears, thought I saw their shadows following me.
Well I can’t escape my nightmares, I can’t escape what I have seen. They can’t run and I can’t hide, so I will try to remember only the good I have seen.
Was that a child standing on the corner of the street? Was that a gun under the seat? What has this world come to? When did their souls leave? I thought I felt their pain as the wind brushed my cheek. Can we begin again? Can we take back the mistakes? Trapped in our own illusions, always blaming fate. Everyone believes in something, a reason to live, other than to feel love, why do they get up? Because money become a need? Did that man die from drink, did they steal something from that woman and make her bleed? Why do they hate, why do they cheat? I saw their hearts fall to their feet.
Well I can’t escape my nightmares, I can’t escape what I have seen. They can’t run and I can’t hide, so I will try to remember only the good I have seen.


#6
A moment in time or the things we feel should be kept close to our hearts so they are always real. But what becomes of me when my heart is larger than my mind. I can see past the web of lie life has left behind, I can feel their pain with every breath that I breathe. If only I could go back and forget what was said, forget how I felt, erase the memories I dread. Maybe then I could replace my nightmares with dreams.
Never taught never loved, and never shown what to believe, has made a woman still a child only able to survive and never know what forever means. They tell me to stop spinning, stop the inconsistencies, so how do I stop the pain when it becomes overwhelming. Must I play the fool time and time again to understand who I am or where I have been? When all I have left to give is my tired soul and love, no one wants it with out the conditions society sets on all of us. Will my heart one day not be so free because my mind takes over when the pain becomes too deep? Must I close off forget how to feel so I can get the job done and become cold like everyone else seems to be. Is there a balance a place in-between where I will be safe to have hope and believe. I need nothing but me, that what I have to give will be enough for someone for more then a day or week. They only see confusion or what I pretend to be. I may be known by many, but few know me. One life one love one chance and it will all be gone before you realize what you had or need. Now they have put price tags on everything, and the value of our emotions has decreased. I will stand and win another fight, I will continue the battle and pretend everything is just fine. If there is one thing I know and I know too well no one wants to know the truth or how you feel, they like to pretend the lies are real. They do not want to hear there is something more then what can be seen and never tell them that the answer is not the simple things. I could go and become a great success I could smile and never mention the rest. But for some reason I would rather just be me and know I lived each day with my whole heart and not just part of me.


#7
Fools smile, bar scenes, empty hearts, forgotten souls, corner streets, passing by so quickly, and a freeway of dreams out of reach
I am nowhere to be seen yet reaching out I open my mouth to scream, not a sound leaves
I find myself Forgiving you but never letting the grip loosen on feeling the pain you left me
Will saying goodbye release the end of a fantasy an idea a need
Like a door revolving in circles the smiles and faces fade in and out through the glass.
Going nowhere, the same people in a world spin around me trapped
In and out of places searching for something we all lack, while I drag my heart around, hoping to see you looking back
I walk along the wet cold street as another memory pours out of me and then world starts pushing back reminding me where I am at
Unreachable by anyone, the rush of emotion knocks me to the ground and the air escapes my chest I won’t take another chance. I won’t let you use me or ever let you in
So many tears have come and gone more pieces of my heart have broken from what you never said.
Tell me the passions you can not explain tell me secrets and pain, tell me your dreams just believe that what you say will never hurt as much as when you leave
If I take the time the pain would go away, if I die it will be too late
I can still feel you, smell you, and need you, impressions you left within me never let go
leave me alone while I lie awake and never sleep
Days go by and I know you will forget me
Looking past the sky I feel high becoming blind everyday watching everything change before my eyes
Lay me down lay next take the best part of me listen to my voice watch me sleep lead me away from these things
I awake and now know what I should see,
Every star in the sky speaks the same thing, they can walk in and out but I can never leave with my heart always free without letting go and knowing everything
Shadows change the laughter becomes silent, the last taxi is called
Here I am getting in as my heart falls out of my chest and into the gutter once again saying goodbye

Court battles/ The day I died... 1995-2004

My son’s father and I had a routine down by arguing about everything and my son being tossed back and forth in the middle. I would try and get along however his temper and controlling nature verses my independence was never a good match. His father was always with another women. Once he was married again he want all his children in his house with him. Child support was never guaranteed and was fought about every time in court. Jacob was taken care of financially no matter the case.

My son’s father was always angry and yelling at me, threatening me, making me feel scared or on edge all the time. He was good at that and I gave him the power to hurt me. He was very manipulative and would sometimes pretend to be my friend or somehow regain my trust and then slap me with more court paper work.

One occasion he used my weakness of being busy and not being able to afford daycare. He told me to leave my son with his mother. She then took him to the doctor after he fell playing and told the doctor I hit my child. I didn’t see my son for some time, because they then hid him from me and told the court I abused him. This type of manipulation and game playing was done often.

My parents disagreed with my life choices and the fact I remained single. My parents are very religious conservative and think children should have a two-parent home no matter what the circumstances. Since I choose not to live by their rules I did not have their support. This has remained the rule with them to this day. If they do not approve of my choices they do not support me. I guess it is only fair because I do not agree with their life choices and judgmental behavior. However I would never turn my back on my child they way they have with me.

The battles in court started to become worse and my son’s father took my medical records from my childhood and used them to take my son from me calming I was a bad mother because I had been abused as a child. My mother helped him in court a lot. I remember reading in my medical records from when I was 13 years old, that they actually submitted as evidence. It was from a Physiologist that preformed a evaluation on me. His report said I had superior intelligence 187 IQ or something. That they did not find me to be bipolar or manic-depressive but I had social issues. (Go Figure??) Then the part that I cried over was when he wrote I kept shaking and apologizing for shaking because the medication my mom made me take made my hands shale all the time and I could not draw a straight line. That must have been when my mother was giving me high dosages of Lithium and Prozac. Then the part of the report that they highlighted for the judge was “Mothers Comments” in big letters. My mother told the courts and doctor I was Manic depressive, needed medication because I was out of control among other things. My parents helped my son’s father betray me as a unfit person due to their personal opinions of my life choices. This was done after they had not been apart of my life for many years and knew nothing about me.


Another example of strange and awful court issues surrounded a police report I filed on BJ in 2002 for giving me two black eyes and a fractured nose. The mediator at the time in court decided to use this evidence in her report but in BJ’s favor.
I will never forget when I read the mediators report after BJ hit me so hard my nose cracked and I had two black eyes. She wrote he must have been acting out of the best interest of the child. I have the document and would love to show it to someone who can explain to me why a licensed physiologist would first make me sit in the same room as someone who abused me and then tell him it was expectable to hit me. The police report was vague and they didn’t know who to believe since BJ’s friends where writing letters on his behalf. He belonged to the local pipefitters union who preformed contracts for the county and the police station the report resided in. I didn’t have anyone but my son. I was named the aggressor in one police report when I had a black eye!! I am 5ft 4 inches 140 pounds and BJ is 6ft 5inches 280 pounds. Because BJ’s friends, union brothers and family said I started it therefore the police chose their story and BJ did not have a mark on him.

My son was ping ponged back and forth for a number of years due to this type of arguing. Bryan went through women and I went through Jobs. I was working two jobs and then was married for around 9 months by age 20 as I mentioned. I just kept doing what I had to do always praying for time.

My health was starting to become an issue and I ended up in the hospital the first time with endometriosis and cists on my ovaries. I started having digestive issues and couldn’t eat or sleep. Totaled three cars in two years, and was making decent money throwing it all away on Vacations, cars, friends, my sisters and my son of course. I took my son to Disney land, Maui, all the best Musicals with VIP seats in the orchestra. I bought my son everything and anything he wanted. After a while my body started having pain all the time, I guess my girl parts where falling out or at least that is what I though. I was on painkillers more often and kept going. I was happy I thought?

I don’t think words will ever describe how my son and I feel about each other, my son watched me go through so much. I tried to hide it but it was just he and I and I stood by him as he went through life too. I would like to say I protected him the best I could, however I learned years ago I couldn’t protect him and had to teach him to protect himself. My power to protect him was taken from me by the courts and police or his father. I couldn’t be with him every moment because of all the ciaos around us. I could prepare him and help him learn to protect himself. It is a horrible feeling not to be able to protect your only son. Maybe I could have done more I didn’t know. The system was failing me and the lawyers, judges; police made it except able for BJ to hit me beat me down verbally or physically until I was almost ready to give up. The power was on the side of someone who had large numbers of people willing to testify including a powerful Local Union. They would all swear I was lying all the time. I didn’t have friends and never had time for anyone or anything but work, college, or my son. BJ won and everyone loved BJ. He was always that great guy everyone adored, but behind closed doors especially mine, he was a monster I could not fight.

I was a honest emotional women, I always have been always will be. I didn’t have the skills to fight a deceptive person like that back then. I still believed the truth would come out one day and it would be alright. Love me or hate me I will tell the truth nothing more. That does not always win you friends and I am many things, but socially excepted or popular like BJ I am not. Unfortunately the social game BJ won, even with his womanizing and abuse. I guess anything is excusable when you have money, friends, and contacts with the county your case is residing in. He won, and I lost paying the price of being torn apart from my son.

For a long time I felt so beaten down from the years of abuse by BJ I would lose jobs or just be too emotional to function. I had just me and my son, I felt so alone in the fight, and I questioned my own reality. Maybe I was never good enough to be a mother, maybe they were right I should be beaten and abused. For a long time I felt I did something to deserve it or at times thought I was a horrible person. I just kept looking at the little boy I loved and tried to move forward.


During those years everything was fast and I didn’t pay attention to my health or the details. I was in a hurry to get things done. Most of the time I was working two jobs, taking college classes maintaining a 3.4 GPA or better. My jobs were always intense build out projects for Chase Manhattan Mortgage, developing software, teaching application software to corporate employees. I continued my education in Real Estate, business and software, then took a couple medical classes for fun. I was becoming a great project manager and working with larger companies. My work consisted of anything that that the company needed. My main focus was construction and contract negotiation for real estate. I would locate a new available space for the company build out the site then manage the contracts operations everything. Sometimes I was hired just to focus on the problems for companies in distress or problematic situations. I would evaluate and then make recommendations, everything from employee performance to structuring the departments and setting up new departments within the company structure. I went out and earned my Real Estate License, my Insurance Brokers License, and even took a electronic engineer class once.

I made sure I could meet with my son’s teachers, pick up my son from school and was home every night to cook for him. My life was a blur living in the Bay Area and when my son was gone visiting his father I would work as a Bartender or wait tables on the weekend or at least try something normal. I didn’t drink till almost 22 yrs old. Since my life was so sheltered I was forced to learn quickly about the predators lurking in the bars and clubs. Being a somewhat attractive girl I always had men willing to take me to dinner or buy me something nice. I really didn’t see the harm in it, I didn’t think of the consequences of flirting. I had a couple long-term relationships one good friendship and caretaker. I still never allowed my son to be involved other than two of them met my son a couple times. One of the men spent some time with both of us, as my son got older and could understand the difference between friends and lovers. I always kept a clear distance from my son and any man in my life. I made it clear to anyone I was involved with they would not be involved with my son. I was his parent they were not. My son knew I had friends my age nothing more, just like he had friends his age.

By the time my son was 6 BJ had ended a marriage with another women, they had a child together. It was one thing that I had to take the abuse from BJ the fact I had some women doing it to me as well was twice as worst. But I am so tired of fighting I just take it and move on. BJ has never lived alone been alone and when my son was a baby he would send him home if he was sick. I don’t think BJ could tie his own shoes without a women around and he definitely could not care for child on his own. Maybe that was my mistake; if I would have sucked it up and got married it would have given me leverage in court. BJ and his first wife had a son 5 years younger than my son. Bryan found a better option and was moving in with her. Bryan wanted to drag the boys with him to the new women’s house so I objected. The new girlfriend would call to yell at me telling me I had no control and should do what I was told or else. This of course triggered my emotions to protect my son who was asking me to now let them take him to another women’s house. It wasn’t that I cared about who he was dating or wanted to keep my son from his father. My son was being dragged through his father’s relationships and his father would have these women take care of the kids so he could work or go out. SO when my son was with him he was left with dad’s new girlfriends. One of the women actually hit him once and my son being left with different women every 3 years was not OK for him or me. I never had some guy be held responsible for my son while I did whatever I wanted. He is my son and my responsibility.
BJ always believed that because I was not the same type of parent as him or did not parent my son the way he did that I was a unfit mother and not capable of taking care of him. This was far from reality I never claimed to be perfect but I never needed BJ or his approval to raise my son, which only fueled the arguments between us.

I had at this time just found out all the pain killers, hormones, anti anxiety pills, and other issues with my girl parts and digestive system where getting worse and I was getting really sick. My digestive system kept shutting down during anxiety attacks and I had developed cervical cancer and after all the other cists removal procedures, bleeding issues and constant pain, I needed another procedure to remove pre cancers’ cell on my cervix. I was a mess and BJ new it so he attacked. I freaked out and feared he would seriously hurt me or take my son again. When I disobeyed him he beat me down physically or verbally for it and then would take my son.

I did what I thought I should do to protect myself, I filed for a restraining order again he had it dismissed again. The court paper work was filed and I was really sick. My friend from the East Coast was helping me maintain my residence and visited once a month. He didn’t know what to do and told me he was in love with me. I will admit many men have loved me. I just can’t love anyone or give them what they need. I really felt and still feel I am meant to be alone and prefer it. Now it was just a matter of time, before it all ended or fell apart. I was not in any shape to get involved with a man. I was falling apart no attorney, no money, sick, and trying to hold on. I should have never gotten into a fight with BJ in this state.

Bryan won again in court and my son was taken out of my house in the middle of the school year to go live his father and new girlfriend. I didn’t have the power to fight this time and Bryan came to my house with the cops and his friends. He pulled me in a room and told me “see what you get for disobeying me” and then took my son, he took everything to Roseville almost three hours away.

I died that day, I remember being on the sidewalk after the reading at the court letter that said they awarded full custody to Bryan. I have never been in so much pain in my life. They took my son and I still can’t understand why. I read the court letter over and over but never quite found the Judges reason why. How could someone do that to me or a child? I wasn’t a drug attic, I didn’t hurt my son, and I wasn’t even on welfare.
I found out later that the attorney Bryan had hired had a lawsuit with my father 20 years ago and my father won. Along with the fact the attorney went to college with the judge and don’t forget BJ worked for a powerful Union that did work for the County. They submitted my childhood medical records as evidence to say I was unstable from abuse issues. My mother testified against me and Bryan had more friends, family on his side on his behalf.

I had letters from school officials my son’s therapist and my sons school mate’s parents saying it was in my son’s best interest to stay with me. Nothing helped I lost my son; I lost custody of my son. My son was no longer legally my son. My son was gone….
I died that day right there on the street in front of the court house and to this day will never forget how it felt.

For my SON

Hey you, come along and hear me
Hey you, I never thought this would be happening
Something’s were never meant to be
Loosening you was one of those things
Hey you, don’t worry
There is something better waiting for you and me
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me
Hey you, wishes do come true
Hey you, dreams can speak to you
Angels say no one can take me from you
Because god gave me to you so he must be in love with you too.
Something inside me is breaking for you
Something inside me is changing for you
Hey you, don’t cry everything will be alright
Hey you, listen to me I will never leave
Something’s can’t be taken away so easily
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me


I still say I will never understand what really happened. The only thing I know is he who has the most money wins! If you are a parent or not I am sure you will understand the devastation I felt. My heart left my body that day and I died physically, emotionally in every way and did not want to live anymore.

I ended up getting off all the hormones having my procedure to remove the cells on my cervix and fell ill with pneumonia for 3 months immediately after. Everything and everyone left, I was really incoherent with the phenomena and everything else. My friend from the Eat Coast said it was time for him to move on and I had to go, so I was forced to move again.

I began to completely self destructed with anger and pain driving my efforts.

Fighting for one life 1995-2003

I continued with my life and lived for my son; even with the constant physical and verbal abuse from my son’s father all the time I got up and did what I had to do for my son. I worked very hard as a contractor or consultant through out the years. I started in Real Estate and was a leasing agent at a small company for an apartment complex in the East Bay. I have project managed for some real big companies and small companies over the years, mainly real estate and construction. Most of my jobs where like my life temporary, however they suited the need for me to pick up my son from school or take time off when needed. I didn’t always make a ton of money but we had enough.

My son was always an amazing child he grew fast by the time he was 8 months old he was running through my house always into everything and so sweet but just like his mother curious about everything. He was always thinking and trying new things. As he grew I found if I talked to him and explained things to him when he needed to learn something he responded well. I took the time as a parent to answer the why when he needed to know and understand the world or rules in my home.
I spent hours reading to him at night even when he was very little. If he had a tantrum I would let him be angry then say “are you ready to huge” if not I would wait till he was done. It must have been hard for him going back and forth between houses. I would have been mad too. He would break down cry eventually from the anger and I would talk to him about why he was angry to try and help him deal with the reasons for his anger. He was always the smartest and tallest kid in his classes. He just kept growing, reading and eating. But so sweet and gentle. We did everything together, dinner in the City, musicals, plays, art festivals movies, just the two of us.

At an early age he loved and feared his father, I refused to fuel the issues by ever saying anything negative. I just always told him he should love his father even when he doesn’t like him. My son would get so angry when his father would yell and scream at him or me. He saw his father become violent a couple times with me and at 6 years old my son would be so hurt when he saw me get hurt. I tried so hard to never allow it around him and made sure to be strong in front of him or at least make sure he knew he didn’t need to protect me, he needed to be a child.

With his fathers constant harassment I would attempt to call the police and file restraining orders, but BJ had more friends and money than I did and they would do anything for him even testify to save him.

I spent 8 years the first time in and out of court with BJ fighting for my son I wasn’t always right and was always emotional. My son was my life and BJ wanted my life. I fought for it every day BJ would hit me and I would get blamed. BJ was good at turning everything into my issue or my fault. I was not always right and I was very emotional about having my son ripped out of my house every time BJ got remarried. I am sure that never helped the court battles and came across very badly in front of the judge. I had no one but my son most the time, I was working going to college and raising a child. It was very emotional for me, I am sure I reacted badly most the time to the threats and in the court hearings. It was me against them and they had more money and more friends.

I had a few love interests along my way and was married for about 9 months when Jacob was 1 years old. I always kept trying to find a family or the stability of a family for my son and myself. It just never really worked out with all the anger and fighting going on between my son’s father and myself, it was hard enough to live my own life.

The best way to describe it is in a paper I wrote for English class one year using my life experiences….
I will save the details of the court battles for my next entry they are painful to write.

If I gave my heart would they remember where it came from, if I gave away my smile would they remember the face it belonged to? I wonder every time I see someone new why I am still here, why the world stops when you appear. Confusion without a reason, tolerance of everything that comes with knowing someone I am attracted to, I could stand beside them and they will never realize I am on their side. I could speak and agree but they never want to know why. Security without consistency makes the realization set in, that my fear is what draws me here. Cold places I once forgot, and explanations without logical reason I am left comprehend. What we learn to accept, time soon will make us blind too. Loneliness will allow us to tolerate the intolerable without question. And our emotions or feelings for hope in the moment will make us forget the pain we inflict on each other that has ripped a whole in our hearts. Is that love or the desire to find the meaning of vulnerability?

There once was an innocent girl who existed long ago her secrets, dreams desires, and hopes no one will ever know. She did not want them to hurt her anymore so she keeps herself shut down and closed. She wrote her words down she could not say everyday to hopefully someday remember who she was and how she changed. She lived in a place where she survived just by believing someday she would find love and peace. She wanted peace from the anger, the pain, and abuse the beatings and drugs she was forced to be a victim to. The lies and confusion she was forced to endure made her build walls so high that no one could hurt her anymore. She protected everyone and was brave when she needed to be. She would not let anyone be hurt by anything. She even was strong as they strapped her down and exposed her so everyone could see. She lived only to die and continually tried to feel anything else by making herself bleed. Three times she tried and yet they kept her alive only at thirteen. Her only belief was that she would survive and someday find peace. The years went by and she finally left after being drugged raped and beaten. She said good-bye to everything, her family her childhood the people she was supposed to love yet she felt nothing. She stayed up at night and begged stars, for the strength to survive and find what was missing. It was time to change and let go of blame so she just focused on her only belief. That every day she would try even if she did not love who she is or sees. She tried and tried so hard sometimes she would not eat or sleep. She worked two jobs to pay the bills so young and yet grown up in a way, then along came a man who gave her a place to stay. Soon after that he would leave, never giving her anything. He left her behind with a broken face and a new baby on the way only at seventeen. She had to be brave for him and put her needs aside even though still something was missing. The baby needed her more than she needed her dreams. She changes again and begins a new life for him and gives him what he needs. Then four jobs three apartments and another man has left her again taking everything. She looks at the baby and smiles instead knowing they will survive if she tries to find what is missing. After five more jobs four hospital visits and a fourth cars is totaled, she still gets up and changes once again she is tired and wonders when it will end. With a troubled past and no desire to explain, with memories she has no one left to blame. Change has come so quickly and once again all she can see all that is left is her without anything. She opens her heart and shuts her eyes letting go of everything. She wants more than her life, but cannot find what is missing. She wants understanding. The dust clears and her time of peace is finally here. She finds safety in knowing how to feel, knowing who she is and loving who she has become. This time she says it’s all about me this time she knows who she is and wants to be. She is strong and fearless she does not worry about the rest of them, just her son and the love she found in the last place she was looking. She is complete and free to change with grace and charm. She is finally free to be in love with herself, she is complete. Yet she can’t wait to grow and change in order to find love within herself again.

This young girl looked in every place and in every person creating changes and tragedy in order to experience what she thought was love. When in reality where she should have started looking was inside her. When she finally found and experienced love for herself everything else became easy. Every day she began to recognize the feeling of love around her and instead of giving love away she embraced it and discovered she loved by being loved herself. I was this little girl and I realized after years of suffering that love is not something you automatically receive or give away to another person. It is not owed to you by your family it is not given to you by anyone. I found love through my struggles by finding myself and understanding who I am. I no longer looked outside myself for acknowledgment, approval, or happiness. I found through finding myself, and giving birth to a child I knew where to go and what I needed to do. I found peace and love in having direction and strength. I know love is no longer a word important to hear or an emotion that I need given to me. I love who I am understand who I have become and accepted myself fully. I guess what someone told me years ago were right, “I was lost then I found me and there I stood with love looking back at me.” This is all I will ever need.

Therapy Current Day 2010

Today was another wonderful therapy day.
I do enjoy the conversations it helps me sort things out in my head.
We came to the conclusion after talking myself in circles that I am in doom and gloom mode.
He made a good point that I tend to become a tortured artist when I write. It is true, I have to go inward and become the pain to write about the pain. I am sure I will come through and pull myself out once I am finished.

He was concerned about my non-existent blah type of mood towards my husband and myself. In a way I am like a wild animal being held captive. I am dying and giving up on fighting for my own needs. I really don’t see the point in all the emotional drama of fighting for my basic needs with my husband like the gym, or taking an online class or even working right now. My husband will not change his mind and allow me to do anything I want just because I yell louder. If he cared about me he would want those things for me and I have asked many times. So I am done asking and will just be silent until things change and I can be free again. Until then I will go through the motions and do what needs to be done.

I have been fenced in and no longer have anything of my own to have or hold. Therefore like an animal behind a fence in a cage I am dying. My passion for life is gone and my desire to fight for anything I need has left me.

Sad but true for now… I know what I am doing will inevitably leave me alone and without friends. But sometimes I can’t pull myself out of the hole until I see a reason or way out. I am not depressed just a general lack of interest in the world around me. I feel trapped.

I have my kids and they need me, I have my writing and I need to finish the story. Maybe in a couple years or my next life I will focus on being free.

Nothing else has really changed and therefore I will continue with the past in order to determine what I need to do with my future.

Current Day Update 2010

With all that has been going on in the last couple weeks there is some good news.

My dear cousin is recovering. All the tests that have been sent out from the second biopsy have come back cancer free and he seems to be moving forward with his recovery. He is gaining his memory back and taking walks everyday. He even posted on facebook that he wants to go home. Miracles do happen and my Granny seems to be in better spirits. I wish there is something I could do to help him. However I find myself just standing by waiting for his return home.

My life is normal and not all bad. I had thanksgiving with some dear friends. I made tamales and contributed to something. I spent some time with the kids and my nephew. I try and enjoy the moments. I feel very non-productive these days so I am focused on just writing and day by day with the baby. I want to contribute more to the world but I am home with no means to do anything about that right now. My husband will not allow that, he does not want me having time for anything but the home life.

The holidays are always ruff, he lack of having any real ties to family other than my Granny weighs heavy. I know my Granny loves me but love only goes so far when your not blood related. I personally view my friends as family. I would like to think other people are like me and would do the same. But you know the saying “blood is thicker than water” this is true for many people no matter what they say or do. My husbands family are not really close and so I usually find myself floating around with the kids to friends houses. I would love it if I could have control or stability of the situation and have my own home be a place where people come together. However this is far from reality for me at this point in my life.

I am still not allowed access to money or any financial decisions. If I want something I have to ask and wait for approval. I hate to sound so self-absorbed as if my life is completely horrible or something. It is just really uneventful and I am sure there are those who would be glad to be in my shoes doing nothing everyday.

I just want to develop my self somehow, maybe go back to school, and travel something… Oh Well maybe next lifetime?

I hate to admit I started smoking again, cigarettes that is…
I had my gym membership revoked (by husband) and all the gyms by our new place are too expensive for him. Therefore I fell back on the old crutch. My husband doesn’t seem to care and I hate it but find it to be a better solution then screaming at him.

My relationship with my husband is also uneventful. He seems fine with it; we do not really talk about much other than the baby. When I focus on the relationship it is depressing how little we actually have in common. Whatever the case it does not seem to bother him, so I should not allow it to bother me.

I am looking forward to more time with my teenager and writing. I am really feeling the need to finish that journey, the writing.

My mother keeps trying to find reasons or time for us to get together. Honestly I don’t want to, and have nothing to share or give her. I know that is selfish, maybe I should try for her. Then again I usually get hurt or regret any contact aside from the kids visiting.

Well it is time to get back to the story, maybe the answers to my life are somewhere yet to found.

Baby having a baby Life #2/ moving forward 1994

Before I move forward with the story, I should take a moment for a physiological review of my behavior so far in 1994.
Many well known Doctors have told me that my behavior signified a person that could display a tendency to place myself in dangerous situations or maybe I felt superior, invincible, and somehow knowingly placed myself intentionally into some of these dangerous situations expecting to be safe.
I never once thought about anything close to that during the time I was going through what I was going through. I was so naive to the outside world it was like an out of body experience. I never realized wondering the streets at my age to be anymore dangerous than my mother’s home, a hospital where I was abused, a foster home where I was abused more or any other place I moved to get away from the last. I was just lost. I was just looking to feel safe, I never felt out of danger no matter where I went, I was always terrified of being harmed. I was trying to find somewhere to feel normal and safe again.
With that in mind Doctors had said why didn’t you trust the system? Why not ask for help? The system and those closest to me were the ones hurting me. I had Kaiser Medical Insurance for most of my youth. They just did whatever my parents told them too and trusted that. Plus I am sure they were making plenty of money off me. Then most the other places I went I was moved from every year. If I wasn’t moving I was packing or unpacking. The minute I felt a little comfortable I was told I had to leave. I was looking for what I have always been looking for, a safe place I didn’t have to move out of and could unpack long enough to call home. Maybe the way I went about it was unsafe? I was not aware at the time that the world was really capable of doing any harm to me. I also figured nothing could be worse than what had already been done.

Now Baby having a baby


Finally at 17 I moved in with who I thought was a Man I could love and loved me. It was the Boy I met in high school with 4 brothers and a single mother. I moved in with BJ and his friends to a Condo in Clayton CA. I hadn’t spoken to my parents in years nothing not even a letter. I had another little job waiting tables and thought my life was pretty normal so far… I was trying to put down roots and stay still, be happy, have friends, and do normal things.
It was New Year’s 1994 when I got pregnant at age 17 and BJ was 21, the father. (I am sure anyone with a daughter right now is cringing.) I had been with BJ for a couple years he didn’t handle it well to say the least. I made the decision to keep the baby then did the unthinkable and called my parents.
My mother said “figured you were always a little whore and would be pregnant or dying from aids by now” My father was excited about a grandchild.

I moved into an apartment with BJ alone and tired to make it work. I became ill with toxemia, and my hormones, body breast everything was out of control. I was an emotional wreck. That drove BJ to leaving me around 2 months pregnant. So I lost it and melted into a deep depression, pregnant, alone, at seventeen. My only friend left just like everyone else and I didn’t handle it well, I was raging from the abandonment issues. My moods during those years where very volatile anything triggered me to cry scream, and hide in closets. After what I went through already I would freak out over little things, writing obsessively or just hiding afraid to go outside. Nothing was ever stable but this little baby boy inside me giving me the worst heartburn ever. I loved my son even before he was born, he didn’t leave me, and well he couldn’t at least.

My father made the pregnancy the best experience it could be. He took me to the doctor’s appointments made fun of my huge belly or how I would waddle. I was huge and gained almost 100 pounds total during the pregnancy. It was amazing to see this little boy grow, move and kick me all the time. I sang to him his lullaby at bedtime talked to him about the people he would meet when he arrived. My dad talked to him too. I always told my son how special he was to me how his life will not be easy with me but all my love and entire heart would belong only to him. His lullaby was “Castle on a Cloud” from Le Miserable I sang it to him every night when I was pregnant and after he was born.

My son’s father did not come back until I asked him to be there for the delivery. I asked my father and mother to be there as well. My father didn’t leave my side for the whole 17 hours and videotaped everything. My labor was very difficult as hard as the pregnancy. They induced labor and made it extremely painful. Out came my son a little over 8 pounds and close to 24 inches long. He had the biggest hands and feet it was really funny. My son was a peaceful baby, just opened his eyes and looked up to me. It took the doctors hours to stitch me up, my father just cried and didn’t leave till they were done. They kept me in the hospital for over a week from the tearing and bleeding. My son was born October 6th 1995 I just stared at him and wouldn’t let him go, I wouldn’t move for days and kept him close to me. I think I knew before anyone one else what we were about to face in this lifetime. Maybe a part of me felt scared of what my son would now face in this life. I knew it was not going to be easy for him or me. I truly believe he knew it too.
People came in and out of the hospital to visit, but my son and I were in this bubble together so the rest of the world didn’t matter anymore.

I named him with my fathers and my last name and, I gave him my little brother’s name for the middle name. After we went home BJ tried to be with me and even asked to marry me a couple times but I didn’t love him and I didn’t want a man in my life who leaves me just because it became difficult to be with me.

I started to realize after having the baby that BJ was not a very nice man for me. He had been controlling me in ways I never saw before. I wasn’t allowed to have my own bank account, car, or say in how money was spent. I was not allowed to go places unless he drove me or knew ahead of time. I was not allowed to have an opinion, because in his mind the mans word was the last word. I later found out he had been seeing other women while I was pregnant and continued to after the baby was born.

It is amazing what you do not see when you are so desperate for someone to love you. I thought this man loved me until I held that baby and realized what love really was. Then I looked at BJ and realized I was a possession to him nothing more.
I was feeling suffocated again and the control issues where overwhelming for me so I made the difficult decision. I left with the baby, and decided to be alone. If I knew what I knew now I would have ran and disappeared forever.

BJ turned out to be not only the wrong man for me but also an abusive one for my son and me. I don’t think BJ will ever get over the fact I left him. He will be angry with me till the day he dies for not doing what I was told… At least that is what he told me a few years ago.

New Life away from HOME… 1993-1994 LIFE #2

With Life Number one out of the way I started on my second life or chapter drug free. This will not be the first time I start Drug Free in my life, I seem to repeat mistakes time to time……
Here we go…


If you remember, after I left my parents house at 15, I went out into the world they kept the nice little pure bubble with them that they raised me in and I unknowingly walked into oncoming traffic.
Being raised in a Mormon household with my parents was another universe. I used to wonder is my mother really that cruel or just naive? She is naïve.

I never knew about coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, and forget about sex I wasn’t allowed to do that unless husband said I could, or wanted a baby. For the first time in my life I was allowed to choose underwear in any color even bikini cut. Some may say that is “no biggy” but you weren’t tormented for having white granny panties sticking out of your jeans because you had to roll them down. If I only knew what would happen next I would have packed up and left town.
First in my new unmediated state I was sent to Grandma’s house (my mothers biological mother) and Grandpa Devon’s (her husband she married I think 6 times). They were property managers, Jazz Musicians living unmarried and in sin at the time! They were childhood sweethearts and were married after my parents, parents (the biological grandparents) divorced. Devon was the best Jazz pianist I ever heard he could play anything from memory, anything just asks. He taught me to sing all the old Jazz tunes and encouraged me to belt them out at any moment, Grandma was colorful originally her family was from Holland. Fun people, they had me stay in the apartment next to theirs, once I finally started eating and being normal well as normal as could be expected. I would take off a lot and disappear for days at a time. The medication was still working its way out of my system and all the abuse I went through made me act strange. I would rebel and leave trying to find somewhere to escape even though I new it was safe at my Grandmothers.

I would end up alone on the streets and was gang rapped once in Benicia after drinking for the first time then found wondering alone somewhere. I don’t know why I would leave; I guess I was trying to get out of my own skin and away from the nightmares. I don’t remember a large about of the rape just flashes backs with boys putting their penises in my mouth and other places. When I woke up I was bleeding from my vagina and hurt everywhere.
I went home to grandmothers finally a few days later and never said anything. I blocked most of these types of experiences out over the years. It was all very fuzzy most the time and I was unaware of my own body.

Finally one day, I was visited by a social worker. She informed me my mother and father along with my extended family had been fighting over the years regarding if my uncle molested me or not. That my parents had filed with the courts to legally abandoned me making me a ward of the court so they were no longer financially responsible for me. They still wanted to tell my grandmother how to raise me but wanted nothing to do with me at the same time.
OK STOP!!!
I can’t tell you how devastating it is to hear your own parents are filing to legally abandoned you in court. I still don’t know how to feel about it all I can say is it really sucks. How is any child supposed to feel hen someone tells you your parents do not want you and are willing to basically make it legal, like a divorce, in court.
Therefore anyone wondering why I have no loyalty to my parents, this is one of the main reasons. There are many more to come but this one started a large amount of the damage or reasons of why I am the way I am today.

I never responded and never will to the whole uncle molesting me question. It is not a battle I wanted to participate in, my wounds are mine and I will not allow those people to use me to fuel their dispute. Therefore I will never comment, and actually really couldn’t tell you what happened if I wanted to at this point.

Since my parents made their decision to pursuer this direction my wonderful grandpa (mothers father) stepped in and hired an attorney to counter sue my parents (or something like that) and the family fun began. They had a trial and I won, I think my grandmother was awarded emotional damages and made my legal guardian. I don’t really remember other than the money went to Grandma and Devon. Who were also awarded child support? My father at that time made $500,000 a year so I am sure it was enough.

I had what I needed and was off all the medication so I tried high school for a while but never really adapted to normal life. I went back and forth to different schools moved a lot and never had any stability since then.

I had met a guy around age 16 named BJ. He was tall older than me by 4 years. I don’t really remember a lot as I mentioned just moving around going to school sometimes and trying. Which wasn’t really working for me, my Grandmother did her best but she moved once a year with me in tow. I was shell shocked from everything. I spent time with BJ and his brothers most the time. There were 4 brothers they were being raised by their single mother who was a night nurse. That meant we did whatever we wanted to do. They smoked drank had older friends that did drugs well at least I think? They figured out how naive I was and kept me out of most of that stuff. At one point my Grandmother sent me to go live there than back to a foster home then back to Grandma’s house.

Foster homes in California are horrible places, they let the other girls beat me up then took my clothes and anything that wasn’t nailed down. The foster mother didn’t care as long as she got her check. They stole, did drugs and the housemother sold them cigarettes when they asked for them. I endured more abuse than good once again at that house, with minimal supervision. Still being as naive as I was, being a ward of the court is not place for a girl, or young women in my shoes after what I had been through. I felt discarded once again, and was alone. I tried getting a job since I was also getting my GED, but found it difficult to focus. I had waitressing jobs at places like Denny’s or Carrows, I would just work time to time so I could have something to do besides be harassed in the foster home.

Selfish/ Current Day 2010

The last couple days have been emotional.
I enjoy my time with the kids but my heart aches is for my cousin and granny in the hospital waiting to hear news about what this mass in my cousins head could be. They have sent the second biopsy out to pathology and no results have come back yet. Today was also my Granny’s anniversary of her first child death I can only imagine the stress she is feeling…

While all the things in my life are moving forward good and bad. I went back to my angry place and vented on my Granny’s best friend. We exchanged some emails about my life and the issues I am facing here at home with the recent betrayal of trust with my husband and my own journey of writing about my past life. I feel awful for putting any burden on her. It is not that I do not trust her, I trust her as I trust my Granny. I trust she will not judge me or look at my badly for venting. However I can’t help feeling guilty for being so selfish. My life problems are nothing compared to those of so many others and I should be thankful for what I have. My health, my children, a home. At the same time it felt good or it was a relief to share with another person. I rarely get the chance to share my life with anyone, openly and honestly. So many people seem overwhelmed with my energy or venting. It is the same story from poor me but a different day. I hate being selfish and eventually end up regretting I burdened someone else with my thoughts or problems.

Granny’s best friend has been apart of her life for 35 plus years and she is a wonderful wise honest women. I truly admire her.
It wasn’t my intension to vent or trouble her, I guess I just thought it was a safe person to say things out loud to and that was very selfish of me.

The voices of so many negative influences in my past life sometimes make me so insecure I get anxious and in a way explode from the anxiety. So many people have told me I will never be understood, loved, or be good enough. I hate to admit I even sometimes think my Granny does not really love me the way I love her and she just pretends to be my family. I know it is awful to say something I know is not true. I guess the past sometimes does effect our future in ways we cannot control. For me it is my deep insecurity or fear of never being accepted for who I am. It is the dishonesty of so many people in my past who have pretended to be my friend or said I love you then only to turn around and use my vulnerability, or compassion for others to hurt me that makes me continually wonder who I can really trust?

From that insecurity came my selfishness and need to talk to someone about me when I should be focused on my kids and cousin right now.

I do love that I can talk to Granny’s best friend; I know when she said call anytime she meant it. I know if I needed it bad enough I could call my Granny. But I find myself turning inward more and more everyday in fear of allowing my problems to consume me and make me this angry selfish person I know I can be at times.

I can never be good enough without trying to be better; I can never be strong enough unless I am willing to change. So I will focus on being a less selfish person and try to have faith that my Granny and Cousins love me. I am loved for who I am by my children; I am good enough today and tomorrow I will face trying to not be selfish.

Thoughts and Journal Entries from Childhood/ There must be some good… 1990-94

With all the bad things that happened to me or by my doing during my childhood it would lead some to wonder was there anything good to come from it all?? I guess that depends on what I choose to make it…

I can say the good things I took from my childhood experiences are the fact we always had family dinners together almost every night. We had Monday night family night and sometimes the religious talk or Book of Mormon study was boring but we spent that time as a family. There was always music in the house, there was always an art influence and there was always plenty of communication. My mother had traditions of our Dutch heritage we did every year by celebrating Sinter Claus on the 4th of December or the birthday songs sung in Dutch. The cooking was incredible, my mother made everything from scratch. She would grind wheat for bread and make our names out of Chocolate. She taught me to cook anything and everything, some recipes I have kept from my grandmother and her over the years. All the kids had their very own lullaby my mother sung to us when we where kids. My lullaby was “blue bird of happiness” she sang it to me as an infant every night.
My parents may have fought but they made a marriage last through everything now 40 plus years. That is amazing!
My family all owned their own businesses and had a very entrepreneur hard working spirit that was taught to us by example. We all worked in the house or in my fathers Dentistry practice, my grandfather owned his own insurance business, by aunts and uncles had their own businesses. Therefore we were all taught to work and work hard.
If I look back some of these positive lessons I have carried with me into my adult life. I have also consciously chosen not to carry the bad experiences in to my adult life and become a different kind of mother than what I had. I do not place so much control and judgment on my children’s life or my own life. I approach things honestly or at least try even when I don’t know the answer or what to do in the given situation. I admit that I do not know everything and try to find the answers. I have an open communication with my kids and most my relationships in my life. A no bullshit approach for the most part. You would be surprised how many people are shocked when someone actually means exactly what he or she says sometimes. It is like your speaking in a different language.




SOME of My Journal Entries 1990-1994
Age 10-15

#1

To all the children who lost their soul
To all the adults who thought they were alone
To anyone who believed they were the only one who walked on a broken road
everyone has pain within their lives
Then there are those who choose to make a change instead of just survive


#2
Love is not forever love does not complete the circle we live our lives in.
The moment you turn your back one by one they come to knock you down and take there love back. Love is not family nor is it the answer to a prayer.
I guess I know now what the song said when they sang love does not live here any more. Love is not a gift of the heart when there are no hearts to be found.
Love does not find a way when things get to hard and love will never guide you through the darkest part of your life. Love is not a hero that conquers all, it only exists in a fairytale a story told to dreamers long ago. Love shows no mercy, and unconditional love never existed at all. Time to put away the toys the dreams the stories once told because as the song goes love does not live here anymore. I would rather live alone I would rather fade into the earth than believe in such a lie as love. So the lesson of life has been discovered and the reality unfolds. That love never lived and to believe in things that can not be touched or seen should be left in the books of fairytales to be bought and sold.


#3
Shattered dreams and broken hearts were very minor parts of this masquerade that I have so nicely displayed, because according to the rules I am a failure and a fool. Masks were made and they handed out roles, a perfect play to cover a story that will soon unfold. But soon a mistake was made, so according to the rules I am a failure and a fool. As the play took its toll a voice spoke the secret of her role, and just before she lifted her masks she stopped, but according to the rules I am a failure and a fool. The happy smile or joyful laugh the others choose to take that path and believe the masquerade. Yet she failed again and chose to speak the truth. What she realized at last, that according to their rules I am a failure and a fool. Then as years went by they went their way and she went hers she finally realized, according to my rules I will choose whether or not to be a failure and a fool.


#4
The last door is shut the curtains closed, and I am not letting you through any more walls. I am tired of hurting, but hurt is all I have got. You expect me to slip and screw up, to be drug away, but I will never let you have your way. You try so hard to cause me pain and make me misbehave. Even when you sent every one I loved away I was brave. So what comes next when there is nothing left for you to take. You say you love me, but I am loved more by people who hate. So now you have pushed me away, I dare you! I dare you to hit me with your pain! Then you will be drug away.

#5
The different child that never did what she was told. The different child that was teased and called horrible things, The different child that was never understood the different child that was always alone. The different child that did things her own way. Even though she was so different from the rest, on the inside she was the greatest of all. As the years went by that child became the very best at everything, because she dared to be different.


#6
If you were to take the time would the pain go away. If I die will it be too late. A meaning a reason to go on I will never know. They focus on what you do how far you go. I wish I could relate. I wish I knew what they wanted what I am supposed to do. Do I throw it all away or continue the circle of anger, confusion and hate.
Because Someday you will be old and I will need to Care for you.


#7
If I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take, but it is too late to take my soul my heart is gone and I am cold. I have died so long ago. My face seems pure my eyes so bright but I can not see the real answer with in me, that it has always been me. I pretend I am fine and say everything is o.k. I can never admit the truth because the truth would mean defeat. A fool was I who played the game of living in a world of shame. So I sit and wonder will I ever be safe in the world of lies I have created in my own space.

#8
A child’s place far away under the sea far away from this place. Where I can go at my own pace. Where there are no strong currents to pull me this way or that. But soft flowing waterfalls, rivers, and streams flowing to the ocean of my dreams. As I look into the water my reflection looks so clean and happy so free. I see the blues and green the colors of my dreams. I reach to touch them but there still so far away. A tear falls from heaven, putting clear ripples in the way. It calms and the water is clear no color, just a glowing light of fear blocking my way. I can’t touch it but I feel the warmth. The power of the light new and strong, the fear is so bright. Tears start to fall from my face and touch the water dimming the light. The light disappears and there are my dreams so beautiful and clear. I reach down and pick them up holding them close to my heart knowing we will never be apart. The fear has dimmed and our strength is one, forever together forever as one. I have beaten this fear my strength made these dreams so clear.

#9
Hold on hold on to something that is always nothing in the end. The smallest strings lifting me up are breaking one by one. The biggest hole is where I fall to my death. Branches break as I fall wind rushes past my cheeks covered in tears. The last piece of my identity catches me and silence of a lonely world consumes everything. I put my feet one by one down feeling the cold ground beneath me. Only once only then will the cold disappear. Skies turn blue and gray night becomes dark and longer then the days. I have no strength to save no breath to take. Time is passing by passing threw me. The whisper of a forgotten soul is all I hear saying hold on hold on to something.

#10
Finding a place to call your own. Figuring reality will never last. I stand on the edge of the cliffs and wait for the stars to take me away. Spinning into the illusion of a dream wondering how far away this one can be. Passing time, hopes will never find what seems to be the only thing. As the little streams flow from the mountains to the gutters ending in the sea. Touching every part of the world connecting us all it seems so simple so perfect. I wake up in bed no one to be found except for me. When did I get so far away from the stream? Nothing to hold on to when you’re in the middle of a river drowning in your own screams.

#11

Here comes a rush of pain again as I drag threw the mud.
Help before I cry
stories trapped
I am still alive
Midnight awake again I hope for daylight
choose a side
remember for once in your life
I will exist
my heart before you leave, try again, don’t shut them out
my only friend, find yourself in another lie again
so strange the way things turn
My face has two sides
Give up the pain scatter my fears
And I return Yet another soul survived

#12
I can’t feel anymore when there is nothing left to loose
I can’t cry anymore when there is nothing left for you to bruise
I know the game of life but never play by the rules
I can be honest I can never lie
I can open my heart and always try
But now there is nothing left for you to take
Nothing left to fear when I have already been here
I am not afraid to be alone
Not afraid to do anything on my own
I live to make it through the day
Then watch it all be taken away
I was perfect once just like you
I smiled once and faked it to
I thought I was in love and realized I was a fool
The deception and lies have scared my life
And there are wounds that will never heal with time
Yet I still believe if I have me everything will turn out right
Now there is nothing left for you to take
Nothing I can give away
And nothing left to fear when I have already been here

What happens next Part two of two/ 1991

You might ask, where was my father. My dad Fought for me every moment at times and then became quiet. It was like he was a beaten man. My parent’s arguments consisted of what to do with me. My father defended me the best he could, and actually took a punch in the eyes from my mother one day for it I think, I am really not sure since they fought a lot. They thought I wasn't listening all those nights they were screaming in their room about me. But I heard every word. I loved my daddy, and I know he tried to protect me. But eventually he just gave up and gave in. He had to choose his marriage, or his daughter, and he chose his marriage. So I cannot blame him for that. My parents have their own problems. My father is a recovered alcoholic and addict; my mother never let him forget it. My mother also never let him forget the fact her father paid for his education.
My grandpa (or mother’s father) wasn’t a extremely wealthy man but he did well and he helped pay for a lot of things I later found out in my life. He actually set aside money for me to go to college, but my mother why and took that from me too. You might think at this point, my mother is a bad mother or that I hate her. I did hate her for a long time. Then I realized she loved me, just not in the way I needed to be loved. I guess she did the best she could, unfortunately I can forgive but I will never forget. That fact has broken any trust permanently. I will never have a relationship with her and that is my choice nothing can fix that.

My older brother Dave was gone on a mission and the rest the kids survived. My older sister was a perfect child, at least on the surface. She held it together. And whatever she did to deal with it she did without anyone knowing. I wasn’t as careful and I made it a point to rub in my mother's face. For example, when I ditched school I came home and told her I did it and there was nothing she could do about it. If there was something I was known for in that house, it was having an attitude, and always saying what I thought of you. I guess if you want the god-awful truth you would ask me and I would tell you. I said things for the effect of them, and I said vulgar and horrible things most of the time. I was soon transferred out of the school district I was not getting along with anyone, especially the girls, I didn't get along with girls. They were mad at me, I guess? I had breasts and was hanging out with their boyfriends. Honestly, I hung out with the boys because I got along with them better. They were simple, and they didn't scream at me. Girls at that age are vicious snakes, and whoever you think is your best friend is not. I had my life threatened continually by teenage girls and I think that's why they sent me to another high school.
At this point I'd run away from home more then come back, cut myself and be depressed for a while then do it all again. I met a couple people at the new school. One boy, a girl and a few other people. All of them were older than me. I tried to make it to class, I tried to go to school, but at this point it was a dream for me to be able to relate to anyone my age. One particular incident I recall was when I called my mom, because I wanted to go hang out with the new girl I met at her house after school. We went to her house for the night we left for awhile to go meet some people and my mom called her house while we where gone. She realized I wasn’t at her house so she called the cops and told them I ran away. I was 15 and just trying to be a teenager. Since the girl was older than me, they accused her of aiding and abetting a runaway. This was not the way to make friends. I was hanging out with the guys doing the whole stoner chicks skateboard Betty wearing black thing. So the girls picked on me and some of the boys. I was still very quiet and kept to myself so I was treated like a cute little pet by most of the older kids. I never realized that I was attractive, so it didn't occur to me why people wanted to be around me most of the time.
My father would say he never worried about me but the other boys said, because I was the first one to grab a baseball bat and swing at them if they touched me. One time I was in trouble in history class for the boy was calling me names or something. So I pulled them out side through him against a locker and decked him.
This new school was predominantly white upper class kids. So I hung out with everyone else of course and didn't really pay any attention to the hicks and racist kids. I've never looked at the world like everyone else, I never understood it, didn't notice if someone was a drug addict, black, white, red. I figured I was different anyway and if they accepted me and I accepted them then what was the problem. I found this to be my gift throughout my life. My gift of accepting others for who they are not what they are. I try and be judgment free in my life. I understand pain, and I know what it's like to not be wanted, nurtured, or misunderstood. My own family didn't want me so I don't need to imagine how someone would feel being an outcast because who they are or what they did in their life when I was outcast in my own home. Not a day of my life went by that I don't get angry from others prejudices or discrimination. I was labeled and judged everyday as a problem as a crazy person as a victim and many other things. It disgusts me that people are still so ignorant to think they have the right to pass judgment on anyone or hurt someone.
My older sister learned, this really quickly. When I picked a fight with a guy at church, because a boy made her cry.

Things were getting worse at home so I ran away again. My friends at my new school hid me while my father and his friends searched all over the town for me. At this point I was losing hope in myself and was fighting with both of my parents. I was disrupting classrooms, home environments, and just plain acting out all the time. They upped my Medication, and I couldn't function anymore. My Parents said if I stopped taking the medicine, I would not be living in their home anymore. One-Family meeting, they took a vote and everyone voted me out.
I decided to stop taking the medicine. I went cold turkey, which could have killed me and I spent weeks in bed with the shakes tremors sweats. I was very sick and all I remember is my little brother holding my hand crying and my mother coming in and out laughing at me saying this is what you get I told you not to do it. I was determined to stop feeling numb. I couldn't take another day, and I didn't want to live another moment, medicated and depressed. I knew it had to end or else my life was going to end. The medication was so heavy it was damaging my kidneys. I was getting bladder infections all the time, and I was not eating. Four years of my life I could not remember the details. How was I supposed to learn anything at school or remember anything I had learned if I was just foggy all the time. I think I almost died in those weeks from plain stubbornness and the will to make a change. I was 15, and I was about to be homeless, but I wasn’t afraid of being homeless I was afraid of living. I figured, nothing could be worse than being drugged up and depressed all the time.

During those weeks I imagined my new life.

It is funny how you blink and all the sudden your parents are no longer your parents anymore. There is not a magic cape, no super powers. They become people with flaws with mistakes and you learn they did their best. Maybe I wasn’t loved the way I needed to be or thought I should be, maybe my mother loved me the only way she knew how and my dad is not as great or as perfect as I saw him before as a child. Maybe I will never understand why they made the decisions for me they did, but I have to accept it because how else to I recover from my childhood. If I do not learn to let it go I will never be able to live my own life.
I truly believe our souls carry on through generations our family’s sins and pain, and sometimes unconsciously we carry their worries and mistakes. If I don’t let it go and stop the cycle with me it will carry on to my children.
So I will say out loud my parents were never what I needed and I wasn’t what they wanted. I have learned to try and find something they bring to my life everyday no matter how hard. They are not my parents; they did not give me unconditional love. I think, having the desire to try and find something to love about other people and feel obligated to be is what I needed to learn. I only hope I can give others what they could not give me or at least try.

Now on with my new life well here comes more pain………..