I am beginning to realize how old I am getting...  In one day I was named mother to a 20 year old and told I am not pretty anymore.  A part of me laughed and the other half cried.

I have tried to date and find it pointless.  I can't seem to open up or actually care about anyone.  It is like I say, killing time til I die...

I have men or people in and out of my life and nothing really intimate.  It has been this way for was long as I can remember.  I don't really get to know anyone, just ships passing in the night.

MY son is wonderful happy and on his way to another year of growth.

Baking for strangers 2012

Today I have been doing homework, baking; cooking soup, laundry, and my wonderful son is dancing with me throughout the day.  We will be taking baked treats to a restaurant owner I met downtown later today.  I find doing random things like baking for people help me feel better and keep my energy going.  It is really kind of selfish of me; I am using total strangers to fulfill my need to cook for a big family.   The bonus is I am really good at it, I can cook or bake anything.

Laugh all you want it helps me not feel lonely sometimes.  I usually don’t feel lonely but since I grew up with so many people around me and now don’t have even one person in the town I live in, that I can call a true friend, it gets a little lonely.  I talk to the dog and my son but you know how that goes.

I think sometimes it stems from my trust issues.  The idea of relying on another person for anything terrifies me.  I know now that fact had a lot to due with my marriage failing.  Not to mention the various other relationships that have failed in my life.

I am laughing while I am writing this, because I think it is beyond hilarious that I need to mentally prepare myself for things now.  I think it is fascinating that I am putting it on paper and saying it out loud.  Gosh I have issues, but it is fun to see how I deal with them now.

Call it OCD, call it whatever you want, I have a routine and that is where I am at right now.  I have no desire to have another man in my bed EVER.  I have no desire to be married.  But yet I need people, and in my own way, like baking for a stranger down the street makes me feel like I have people today.  Don’t misunderstand I don’t consider him family or friend, just some one I might have connected with for a moment.  That is the best I can do today.

My little guy is awesome as usual; he dances and helps me with housework while we are safe in our own little world.  He is my world and the only place I ever need to visit.  But then there is the email calling and the work, or school, begging to be finished.  I think when naptime comes I will finish it all then. 

School is great too, I am still getting a 3.90 cumulative GPA I am very serious about my grades.

Medically I am having issues again, I have gained 25lbs in two months.  I have been  eating less and running more in the last 6 months, so a weight gain is strange .  My doctors just keep checking my thyroid, I keep asking for a endocrinologist.  I believe my hormones are the issue.  I made the mistake of trying Depo Shots for 6 months and quit a while ago when I started getting sick from them.  I am now months later still having issues with a regular period and since I am running 5-10 miles a day only eating 1000-1200 calories per day, it makes perfect sense that I should gain 25 lbs right?  (sarcasm)

I am done with the doctor I am seeing if he doesn’t listen to me and check my hormone levels or refer me to an endocrinologist.  I am also seeing a plastic surgeon next week for a consult.  Either by medication or knife the weight is coming off, because 175 and 5ft 4 while still fitting into a size 6/8 dress is not only bazaar but uncomfortable.  Especially after all the work I have done getting in shape.  I will not spend another second letting this one go, I refuse to be uncomfortable, I have enough on my plate.

2004 Bottom of the glass...Am I dead yet??

2004

So it is 2004 and my son was gone, in my eyes my life was over everyone was leaving me or had left.  Well then what do you do?  If you where me you got drunk and high.  I started the year off in my downfall to addiction.  I was working a great job with a mortgage  company as an operation manager/ consultant and just finished some classes for my life agents license, then was planning to take more construction classes.  Instead of  pulling myself out of the doom and gloom  I was having a great time hanging around real criminals, night club predators, pimps, drug dealers.  Doing cocaine, smoking weed, drinking lots of alcohol and as many pills as I could get my hands on, I am shocked I am not dead.  Mainly pain medication, mixed with Prozac, Ritalin, Wellbutrin, mixed with alcohol, cocaine, GHB, ecstasy and list goes on..  I am amazed I could walk and became really good at functioning high, actually I think a swayed a lot and was an emotional mess.  I was bartending or waiting tables up at 8pm to bed at 8am them did it over again.  I was being looked after by men in the business of turning girls.  I never really understood why they didn’t try to turn me so I asked.  They said I was safe not to worry and to the limo take me home.  It was like god told the devil to look out for me until I was done being angry or in pain.  The only thing I could do is get high and go to the bar.  There is no reason for any of them to keep me safe I will say to this day I should have been beaten raped and left for dead with the way I behaved.  But no one would touch me and they were not allowed to touch me pimp me or harm me in anyway.  I went in and out of the after hour parties the drug parties and backrooms of clubs untouched allowed to indulge and visit while I refused to deal with the terrifying reality of my life.  I did this for about a year until I lost my home my money car and the beautiful girl I once was.  I saw prostitutes perform unspeakable things on men.  Watched drug dealers make back alley deals and helped sell when they left town for the Vegas trips.  They trusted me and I was fascinated with the lifestyle you usually only read about in a book.  I was considered family to them?  It confused me and made me curious how attractive they made everything.  I was sucked in as visitor maybe not treated like the other girls but they sucked me in.  I guess they knew I would never be a whore but I would settle for ghetto princesses. I was never harmed not forced to do anything I didn’t want to do but then again I was doing it to myself.  I poisoned my own mind to keep from the pain.  I took drugs to make the anger hurt go away, they couldn’t do anything to me that I wasn’t doing to myself. I finally left.  It was getting ugly and people were fighting over a list of names from some drug dealer friend that some other guy wanted and I had.  With nothing in my pocket I left May 7^th 2004.  I freaked out woke up and realized how messed up I was, I was scared and left to Rossville CA closer to my son thinking a new town might help.  Nope it was me not anything else. 

I kept to myself and found a job waitressing then found another job as a consultant again for a new real estate company that needed a project manager to build out the site and set up operations.  My body started freaking out I was breaking out in hives all over my body and having anxiety attacks again.  I had too much in my system and nothing helped, I finally was sober a month later and was working very hard to keep it that way along with holding regular job and visiting my son.  I quit waitressing during the week and had two projects going one with a salon build out in Roseville and then the new Real Estate Company build out.  I love me work I was doing everything from the management of the constructing to setting up the computers and operations for the company, negotiating contracts and doing the accounting.

I would pick my son up from school and do everything I could to see him.  He was really upset all the time he was angry with his father again and didn’t understand what happened either.  He just wanted his life back with his mommy.  We would spend as much time as his father allowed together.  There were times his father would show up early to pick him up and Jacob didn’t want to go so his father would break the door down or throw things at me.  A couple times Bryan pounded on the door for one hour straight and Jacob was screaming at him to go away.  I tried to stop Jacob because even though Bryan was 4 hours early and my son wanted to have his time with me I couldn’t cause any problems or Bryan wouldn’t let me see him anymore.  I just told Jacob to stop and get his jacket.  He ran in his room slammed the door and said I hate this.  I hated it too but how do you explain to a little boy why he can’t be with his mommy, because mommy was no longer his legal guardian.  Bryan had custody and I had to do whatever he said if I wanted to see me son.  Bryans new wife would tell me son I wasn’t his parent anymore and to forget about me.  I would just have to be strong and reassure my son that no one could make me leave no matter what they said or if I wasn’t there every day.  I was with him no matter what any wanted.  Jacob and I would talk on the phone and close our eyes so we could see each other as we talked about the day.

My body was not cooperating and I was sick most the time.  I remember crying and screaming why God, why must I feel this way.  I started having nightmares again remembering the times I was hospitalized and raped continually, then beaten and drugged.  I couldn’t get out of bed for days at a time.  One evening a missionary came to my door as I was screaming and crying.  I opened the door and abruptly said what do you want?  They handed me a pamphlet and said they were sent to this door to pray for me.  Very strange so I shut the door telling them they could pray for me outside.  They actually sat on my porch and prayed for me.  I looked at the pamphlet that had fallen to the floor.  It was opened to the page that read “forgive me for my transgressions” and continued with the scripture.  I guess that was my answer, I needed to ask for forgiveness.

  I lost my apartment and job then my car.  I was so sick all the time and I continued to have more issues with my health, I spent a year in Sacramento moving around.   I took another job with a mortgage company setting up their computer systems and server set up for the Calyx Point systems. While I was there I sold a couple loans threw cold calling and redid the accounting too.  I changed my life from what it was and was trying to start over, but having bad luck.  I had two more cars totaled from hit and runs. Was arrested as you know and then ended up “couch surfing” and being raped again.  I woke up once and found some guy standing over me with his penis in his hands staring at me.  I ended up afraid to go outside for months.  This was the point of my life I learned never to trust a man who said I will help you and want nothing in return.   The problem was I couldn’t leave and couldn’t continue living with a man who was sexually assaulting me, but I had nowhere to go so I slept at the movie theater during the day in order to stay awake at night.  I started cutting myself and crying all the time.  I know now I wanted to die or would have taken my own life if one more man touched me.   When everyone was gone during the day or I wasn’t sleeping at the theater I would look for work on line.  The missionaries kept showing up where ever I lived and would ask to pray for me at the door.  I was starting to feel like someone was trying to tell me something, and not to kill myself just yet.

I took jobs where I could and had one position with a new real estate developer again consulting for new home development.  I was in charge of managing the construction and negotiating sales/purchases, while running the subcontractors and maintenance staff.

  I stayed sober at the same time was taking  classes to further my education in  Real Estate  in order to obtain my brokers license while doing anything to stay out of the house.  Finally I landed a job with a property management position for a small investor and found a room to rent in an older women’s   house.  I soon discovered unknown to her and me at the time she was the mother to one of the biggest drug dealers in SF that I use to know.  Just my luck I could never escape.  Without a car and another contract job coming to an end I sold anything and everything I could.  Then moved to SF on Amtrak and found another room to rent.  I figured I didn’t have a care and could not afford one so a bigger city with actual transportation would be more suitable for work.  I started a new job as a Contractor, property manager/ leasing agent yes again another temporary job. I moved back almost one year later exactly and here  I am back to SF and sober since May 30^th 2004 and have nothing so here I go….

Obviously after knowing what you now know about me you will not be shocked and maybe even understand why I spent 6 months in the house out of fear.  I was terrified after I was raped again and never had time to deal with it there for when it all came crashing down and I again couldn’t leave the house for a while.  This is probably why I do not have relationships, I don’t even let people huge me very often and tend to keep to myself.  I learned the hard way that when people especially men want to help you when you are down or sick it isn’t the type of help you want.  That just because I didn’t see myself as pretty or desirable didn’t mean men didn’t see me that way.  I will never allow myself to need anything again and hope one day to be safe from the things I have known in my life.  That is my only wish and concern,  If I am never a mother again and never succeed I have learned to except that.  My safety is the only concern I have.  I have yet to feel safe, ever, I never knew what home was and this has caused a large amount of distress in my life.    During that year in Sacramento I was so desperate I called my Mother and Father begging to come live with them.  They politely gave me the number to a homeless shelter that was full.  Do I expect more, maybe ?  I think a part of me wants to hope for the good really needs there to be good somewhere in this world, unfortunately this has not been my life path.  I just try and keep going praying for a miracle or change.  I have gotten to the point where luck needs to kick in I am doing everything I can but also I am to the point where I recognize I need help and people around me to help me.  I am not sure how but a small part of me still has hope in people.

2004 Bottom of the glass.... Am I dead yet??

2004

So it is 2004 and my son was gone, in my eyes my life was over everyone was leaving me or had left.  Well then what do you do?  If you where me you got drunk and high.  I started the year off in my downfall to addiction.  I was working a great job with a mortgage  company as an operation manager/ consultant and just finished some classes for my life agents license, then was planning to take more construction classes.  Instead of  pulling myself out of the doom and gloom  I was having a great time hanging around real criminals, night club predators, pimps, drug dealers.  Doing cocaine, smoking weed, drinking lots of alcohol and as many pills as I could get my hands on, I am shocked I am not dead.  Mainly pain medication, mixed with Prozac, Ritalin, Wellbutrin, mixed with alcohol, cocaine, GHB, ecstasy and list goes on..  I am amazed I could walk and became really good at functioning high, actually I think a swayed a lot and was an emotional mess.  I was bartending or waiting tables up at 8pm to bed at 8am them did it over again.  I was being looked after by men in the business of turning girls.  I never really understood why they didn’t try to turn me so I asked.  They said I was safe not to worry and to the limo take me home.  It was like god told the devil to look out for me until I was done being angry or in pain.  The only thing I could do is get high and go to the bar.  There is no reason for any of them to keep me safe I will say to this day I should have been beaten raped and left for dead with the way I behaved.  But no one would touch me and they were not allowed to touch me pimp me or harm me in anyway.  I went in and out of the after hour parties the drug parties and backrooms of clubs untouched allowed to indulge and visit while I refused to deal with the terrifying reality of my life.  I did this for about a year until I lost my home my money car and the beautiful girl I once was.  I saw prostitutes perform unspeakable things on men.  Watched drug dealers make back alley deals and helped sell when they left town for the Vegas trips.  They trusted me and I was fascinated with the lifestyle you usually only read about in a book.  I was considered family to them?  It confused me and made me curious how attractive they made everything.  I was sucked in as visitor maybe not treated like the other girls but they sucked me in.  I guess they knew I would never be a whore but I would settle for ghetto princesses. I was never harmed not forced to do anything I didn’t want to do but then again I was doing it to myself.  I poisoned my own mind to keep from the pain.  I took drugs to make the anger hurt go away, they couldn’t do anything to me that I wasn’t doing to myself. I finally left.  It was getting ugly and people were fighting over a list of names from some drug dealer friend that some other guy wanted and I had.  With nothing in my pocket I left May 7^th 2004.  I freaked out woke up and realized how messed up I was, I was scared and left to Rossville CA closer to my son thinking a new town might help.  Nope it was me not anything else. 

I kept to myself and found a job waitressing then found another job as a consultant again for a new real estate company that needed a project manager to build out the site and set up operations.  My body started freaking out I was breaking out in hives all over my body and having anxiety attacks again.  I had too much in my system and nothing helped, I finally was sober a month later and was working very hard to keep it that way along with holding regular job and visiting my son.  I quit waitressing during the week and had two projects going one with a salon build out in Roseville and then the new Real Estate Company build out.  I love me work I was doing everything from the management of the constructing to setting up the computers and operations for the company, negotiating contracts and doing the accounting.

I would pick my son up from school and do everything I could to see him.  He was really upset all the time he was angry with his father again and didn’t understand what happened either.  He just wanted his life back with his mommy.  We would spend as much time as his father allowed together.  There were times his father would show up early to pick him up and Jacob didn’t want to go so his father would break the door down or throw things at me.  A couple times Bryan pounded on the door for one hour straight and Jacob was screaming at him to go away.  I tried to stop Jacob because even though Bryan was 4 hours early and my son wanted to have his time with me I couldn’t cause any problems or Bryan wouldn’t let me see him anymore.  I just told Jacob to stop and get his jacket.  He ran in his room slammed the door and said I hate this.  I hated it too but how do you explain to a little boy why he can’t be with his mommy, because mommy was no longer his legal guardian.  Bryan had custody and I had to do whatever he said if I wanted to see me son.  Bryans new wife would tell me son I wasn’t his parent anymore and to forget about me.  I would just have to be strong and reassure my son that no one could make me leave no matter what they said or if I wasn’t there every day.  I was with him no matter what any wanted.  Jacob and I would talk on the phone and close our eyes so we could see each other as we talked about the day.

My body was not cooperating and I was sick most the time.  I remember crying and screaming why God, why must I feel this way.  I started having nightmares again remembering the times I was hospitalized and raped continually, then beaten and drugged.  I couldn’t get out of bed for days at a time.  One evening a missionary came to my door as I was screaming and crying.  I opened the door and abruptly said what do you want?  They handed me a pamphlet and said they were sent to this door to pray for me.  Very strange so I shut the door telling them they could pray for me outside.  They actually sat on my porch and prayed for me.  I looked at the pamphlet that had fallen to the floor.  It was opened to the page that read “forgive me for my transgressions” and continued with the scripture.  I guess that was my answer, I needed to ask for forgiveness.

  I lost my apartment and job then my car.  I was so sick all the time and I continued to have more issues with my health, I spent a year in Sacramento moving around.   I took another job with a mortgage company setting up their computer systems and server set up for the Calyx Point systems. While I was there I sold a couple loans threw cold calling and redid the accounting too.  I changed my life from what it was and was trying to start over, but having bad luck.  I had two more cars totaled from hit and runs. Was arrested as you know and then ended up “couch surfing” and being raped again.  I woke up once and found some guy standing over me with his penis in his hands staring at me.  I ended up afraid to go outside for months.  This was the point of my life I learned never to trust a man who said I will help you and want nothing in return.   The problem was I couldn’t leave and couldn’t continue living with a man who was sexually assaulting me, but I had nowhere to go so I slept at the movie theater during the day in order to stay awake at night.  I started cutting myself and crying all the time.  I know now I wanted to die or would have taken my own life if one more man touched me.   When everyone was gone during the day or I wasn’t sleeping at the theater I would look for work on line.  The missionaries kept showing up where ever I lived and would ask to pray for me at the door.  I was starting to feel like someone was trying to tell me something, and not to kill myself just yet.

I took jobs where I could and had one position with a new real estate developer again consulting for new home development.  I was in charge of managing the construction and negotiating sales/purchases, while running the subcontractors and maintenance staff.

  I stayed sober at the same time was taking  classes to further my education in  Real Estate  in order to obtain my brokers license while doing anything to stay out of the house.  Finally I landed a job with a property management position for a small investor and found a room to rent in an older women’s   house.  I soon discovered unknown to her and me at the time she was the mother to one of the biggest drug dealers in SF that I use to know.  Just my luck I could never escape.  Without a car and another contract job coming to an end I sold anything and everything I could.  Then moved to SF on Amtrak and found another room to rent.  I figured I didn’t have a care and could not afford one so a bigger city with actual transportation would be more suitable for work.  I started a new job as a Contractor, property manager/ leasing agent yes again another temporary job. I moved back almost one year later exactly and here  I am back to SF and sober since May 30^th 2004 and have nothing so here I go….

Obviously after knowing what you now know about me you will not be shocked and maybe even understand why I spent 6 months in the house out of fear.  I was terrified after I was raped again and never had time to deal with it there for when it all came crashing down and I again couldn’t leave the house for a while.  This is probably why I do not have relationships, I don’t even let people huge me very often and tend to keep to myself.  I learned the hard way that when people especially men want to help you when you are down or sick it isn’t the type of help you want.  That just because I didn’t see myself as pretty or desirable didn’t mean men didn’t see me that way.  I will never allow myself to need anything again and hope one day to be safe from the things I have known in my life.  That is my only wish and concern,  If I am never a mother again and never succeed I have learned to except that.  My safety is the only concern I have.  I have yet to feel safe, ever, I never knew what home was and this has caused a large amount of distress in my life.    During that year in Sacramento I was so desperate I called my Mother and Father begging to come live with them.  They politely gave me the number to a homeless shelter that was full.  Do I expect more, maybe ?  I think a part of me wants to hope for the good really needs there to be good somewhere in this world, unfortunately this has not been my life path.  I just try and keep going praying for a miracle or change.  I have gotten to the point where luck needs to kick in I am doing everything I can but also I am to the point where I recognize I need help and people around me to help me.  I am not sure how but a small part of me still has hope in people.

Another day and end to the week, maybe???

As you can see I bounce around in the blog a lot, present, past, future.  Today or this week has been full of joy and research.  I am in constant motion and now that I have done everything the wrong way I know exactly how to do it right this time. 

This weekend I am home alone with my little guy.  His father cancelled again and cancels often lately.  I don’t mind and enjoy the extra time.  Funny how before I couldn’t wait for a moment alone, I guess it wasn’t my son I wanted to get away from.  OR, maybe because I am happy….

I did have Wednesday night off and had a few cocktails, then made muffins for the bar and then met up with my friend from church later for a beer and food. 

I know I said church, me at church, hanging with church folks.  It is actually happening, I have joined an episcopal congregation.    They are great, people and have a wonderful youth program that does a ton of out reach in the community.  That is the real reason I joined, my son needs to understand community and how to give back.

Back to the drinking, I had fun and was in bed by 10:30pm.  I think I even annoyed a few people, embarrassed one or two and said at least 3 offensive things.  HAHA!  I like to use fake names and tell people I do porn for a living once in a while, just to be wired. 

Then back to work and school, after I purged all my imperfections and proved I have zero social skills.  I really should not be allowed to talk to people in public.  LOL!

I need to get back to writing and believe I left off on 2004 of my past the tough years when I fell on my face and destroyed my life.  Yep, I can finally say it out loud.

I still want to find a good ghostwriter to help me put the pieces of this book together.  My client who inspired me the other day asked me to start a kickstart page.  I have no clue what this is, and looked today online.  Apparently people do help each other in this world.   I might need to join and try, maybe I can find a ghost writer and raise money to finish my certifications and book.

I just need the happy ending and the rest will be worth it…