Douchebags, men, and God

Hey Isabelle,

I know I haven't written in months and honestly you would NOT want to know.  It is never boring and always crazy in my world.  It is a wonder I get out of bed.

I had a random thought or have been been faced with the question of what I want in life, what is out there for me and do I believe in god still.

They are all great questions, but I have never been one to consider my own desires or been allowed the luxury of having the time to consider what I want. 

I may not be seen that way by the outside world because I have been called selfish so many times in my life, I stopped counting.  People see what I want them to and I don’t bother to correct them, nor do I care what they think that of me.  I know it is not true.  I also know I should care about what some of them see or think but really??  I  have zero respect for most adults or actually care about them in general.   They are disgusting useless human beings for the most part, really how does anyone take them seriously?  Maybe after everything I have been through my general lack of respect is what radiates from me and is misinterpreted more commonly than NOT.  People think I am a spoiled brat joking around and never taking it seriously like I always have in life.  BLAH BLAH BLAH 

Reality is my life has been hard, and I keep to myself, never allowing anyone to know me truly and keeping them all away from knowing me by joking around, using sarcasm, or being the version of me they see and know.  I cant say I have had a real conversation with another adult on an intimate level in years.  Really, what is the point?  SO they can look at me in shock or feel bad for me because I have been beaten and assaulted so many times I am numb to it all.  I have nothing to say to people I don’t respect and don’t think they have the gumption to be strong enough, or truly appreciate life the way I do.  I do appreciate my life the world around me the gift of nature, my kids, being able to see the leaves on the trees, live in a home unharmed, and know the sun will rise tomorrow.   However, I have been through 8 life times of pain and suffering.  I don’t think I am up there with third world county suffering in a country that treats women like cattle or anything.  I have suffered in other ways and thank goodness I learned to shove it deep down and forget so I can move forward.

Nothing shocks me anymore, the abuse, the world of sex trafficking, and drug dealers, and evil of men.  I just nod and say yep that’s how they are and will always be…. 

Then there is the whole GOD thing, and honestly I believe in higher power I am just not sure I can do the whole God thing again or really believe.  In all do respect to his followers, lets face it the reality for someone like me believing that there is a MAN in heaven or magical place of peace and tranquility calling the shots and watching over me is borderline insane.  Why would he be a MAN and why would he be so cruel as to sit back with his bowl of popcorn and watch all the horrible years of shit I have suffered through and think in anyway it was okay.  I really want to believe, but really if there is some man watching me go through this and doing nothing than he is as big of a douchbag as all the other men in this world I have ZERO respect for at this point of my life.  Because I have never once met a man that is as strong or resilient as I am, I have never met a man who has gone to the lengths I have for my children and put everything aside to ensure they are happy.  MEN are selfish, egotistical, and useless.  I didn’t always think of men this way, but the world has proven otherwise.  The world showed me that all men, even the ones that are kind and good fathers, or honest and considered “good men” turn into idiots when they enter my world.  They become babbling douchbags. 

Now people are asking me to believe some MAN or man like being is in heaven and actually cares about me?  I have never met one, and don’t believe anyone I ever met really loved me.  They never knew me.

I look back, and lately more often, and realize my relationships are NOT successful because I am treated like an object, I don’t let people in, I don’t trust anyone, I don’t love.  Well maybe a few of them I loved but really in the end they left me too, when it got difficult.  AND IT ALWAYS GETS DIFFICULT WITH ME

I do it on purpose, unconsciously, I push people to their limit so they leave me, or at least are tested to the point of breaking.  I don’t think they realize everything I do and say is because I am waiting to see their reaction, how they respond, I already know the answer and what they will do, but I guess a little hope remains that maybe they will surprise me and NOT be completely predictable.  That is really what happens to me, I get bored, it is all the same.  They are all the same.

So if god is a man, it is boring, and he cant be trusted. Sure has this higher power shown up to give me faith and keep me going in difficult times.  YES  Has this higher power protected me or made me feel better at times.  YES  But…  I am not convinced there is a god, because that means to me there is a MAN letting us all down again and I have enough of those in my life.  

Well enjoy this cynical crap today Isabelle it will all change tomorrow.  Another man will try and use a women for something, another man will let a women down, another man will forget to put their children first, and another man will tell me I just haven't met the right one...

Bullshit!  Because I will never respect men, and they could never survive or do anything I have done in my life.  I survived the evil of Men, and not once did I think of my own needs or desires, I did it while I raised little humans and still got up everyday so they could disappointment me and them again.

Love you Isabelle, I hope we see each other again someday. 

Mothers Day and my Visit to Crazy Town

 Well once again it has all changed quickly…  I really cared for the young women I took in, I tried and I wanted to help more.  But…..  In anger she threatened my children, then tried to apologize and then threatened again.  Through that experience I could not trust her anymore.  It was unfortunate and another life lesson for me to not mistake kindness for weakness.  She actually tried to use the kids father, my abuser to harm me in court and brought him to my house to photograph and go through my trash.  It was amazing that he was not arrested with the two restraining orders I have against him.  On top of it all is sadness that she would do something like that to harm my children and their stability.

I am not sure if she was just being an emotional 19 year old or really understood the consequences of her actions.  I mean it would be like me showing up to her house with her adopted father who sexually abused her and letting him take her little sister to live with him.  IT was crazy…

My kids have been with me since birth, I am all they know.  There father has worked long hours and never put them first.  After all he lied about making $300,000 per year and never spent a dime on our daughter.  He never went to her Doctor appointments, he never attended the school function or did any paper work for their doctors or schools.  It is puzzling that anyone would think he is a better choice or parent  when you look at the actual facts.  Fact:   He has hit me holding my daughter and knew he was hitting me when I was holding my daughter.  He admitted to this in court.  FACT:  he never allowed me money for the kids or food, I had to get credit cards and stuff to help my kids.  FACT:  He has demanded furniture and items like the kids bed to be returned to him immediately.  He does not care about their comfort or what will happen if they don’t have a bed.  FACT: He lies a lot and lied about owning furniture in the house and many other things on the record in court.

These are just some of the proven facts, and there are more piling up everyday.  Therefore it is amazing or crazy to think a young women at 19 who has been abused would try to harm my children’s lives and take away the person that has taken care of them since birth.  I think she is trying to hurt me somehow but really it hurts the kids.  I am not hurt anymore by their father, he cant hit me or tell me what to eat and how to live anymore.  I fear him because he is a dangerous person but he cant hurt me if he cant get near me.

This young women continues to try and hurt me and my children and accuses me of hacking email or other crazy stuff.  I gave the laptops back to the kids father, I don’t even have them or know what she is talking about?  The emails she sends me are nuts.  Even the police are amazed that anyone would send something so damaging and crazy knowing it would be used against them.  WOW

I really missed the warning signs on this person is what I think happened.  I really should not and will not bring anyone into my home ever.  Just me and the kids from now on moving forward.  That’s the way it will be and has always been.

SO on to the positive and good stuff my new life with my children and all the possibilities that go along with that.  I am actually being considered for a few Compliance Officer position for a few major corporations.  I am hoping  to move with the kids to be closer to my parents and start over.  Ultimately this will fix everything for everyone.  Better schools, better life, and their Grandparents near by.

My kids and I have a great relationship we love and appreciate each other everyday.  They are sooo much happier these days with just the three of us at home.  I can see in their eyes what a great mother I am to them and am frequently told this by the multiple parent groups and non-profits for kids I participate or are a board member for now.  My life is wonderful and I am pleased to be with my kids on Mothers day and every other day after.

And another one bites the dust…..

Hello Isabelle,  

I am glad you have been visiting more.  It has been nice to see you around again.   So I fell in lust for a moment with a boy, he was hot, and kind.  As usual it went badly, and I fucked up, he fucked up and so on…. Boy can I pick them.  Ten years younger and very different non-conformist, three kids with three different women and has his own damage of course.  But ….  He made me feel again, and that was terrifying and wonderful.  It was nice to visit my emotions or reconnect with the fact I still have the ability to connect with another adult.  Unfortunately, I just don’t do well in relationships, and easy come easy go, I am a CUNT.  My usual defenses went up and I did what I always do I played superwomen and took over everything thinking I could just make everyone happy so they wont do anything for me and then I wont get attached.  It is the same thing I always do, give, they take, and then I get upset when I don’t get what I need.  Oh, and of course I wanted sex too much.  That’s me ?  Actually in reality he was right about a few things.  I do not stop long enough to notice others needs, I am so overwhelmed these days with the life I have it is like I need a 2x4 to the face to notice anything.  

Mom of two – Check

Multiple Jobs while the kids are home – Check

Court issues in two no three different courts – check

Volunteer work – Check

Starting Masters Program – Check

Trying to take my classes for the Insurance broker license – Check

Normal Stresses of being a single mom alone – Check

Stupid People – Check

Kids Schedules – Check

And it goes on and on….  I really am surprised I haven’t killed anyone yet.  My kids father is still in denial that he ever did anything wrong and apparently likes paying for multiple attorneys.  SO he fights and fights, and causes so many issues. Everyday it is something new with him, he just doesn’t think the rules apply to him.

SO this young man, he was the opposite of everything I have ever known.  Which is probably why I tried so hard, and I really did try in my way.  But I am too broken….

It was a nice experiment in understanding what a danger I am to the population.  LOL  right!

I fucked up, and fell into the same patterns, and I am not sure how to change anymore.  But I do know how to medicate and shut down and focus on my shit for a while.  SO that looks like a great option right now. 

My six year old beats me down regularly, and I have had to withdrawal from being his mother again to avoid being hurt physically.  The court doesn’t believe anything I tell them and instead has put me under a microscope because our system blames the mothers for being abused and harms them over time.  Our system is soo broken that I can’t even begin to make sense of it all anymore.

Well, Isabelle, as usual, I enjoy our talks and your visits, I could use you right now, but instead I will make an appointment for some good medication.  They wont be able to accuse me of being too horny, or too emotional, or anything because I will be numb.  WOO HOO Prescription drugs lets go…..

So here I am again as time repeats, and I am left without my feet….

January 24, 2016

  

So here I am again as time repeats, and I am left without my feet…. 

Hey Isabelle, it’s a lonely road again these days and the isolation is getting to my mind.  That man who likes to hit me has been arrested and removed from the home leaving me with two kids and a lot of debt.  Of course he is trying to starve us out of the house and make me give up or go crazy.  I just cant wrap my head around the mental state of someone like this.  Why does anyone want to hurt their kids to hurt their mother, or have such an issue that they cannot separate their anger for the mother from their kids.    Then again…  Sociopath, Narcissistic, violent men/ abusers are a breed in themselves and aren’t they wonderful.  I never met a sociopath I did not love or like.  Have you?  I just pray to the legal gods please see through his shit and save me and my kids from the ongoing grief.  

I need to do more to occupy my mind and keep busy, or at least feel comfortable enough to have sex again.  This whole thing has screwed me up, I actually find myself missing this guy late at night.  I mean really, how text book am I being the brain washed victim.  Geez talk about needing to get over it  soon.  Sure I am sad, I am broken, damaged, whatever, but this whole journey needs a happy eneding for me and my kids.  I cant take anymore.

Wait I take that back, because every time I say that something else happens and I am pushed further over the edge.  I bend never break.  Okay, now that I have that straight. ….

So of course he has called everyone I know and yelled, or manipulated them into believing I make everything up.  He even yelled at my mother saying he would call CPS (Child Protection Services) and file as many reports as needed to make sure the kids were taken from me.  Sicko!

I cant even go to church anymore, teach Sunday school or chat with most the moms at school.  Thanks to him..  But this is what they do, right?  They isolate and blame the victim.  He even admitted in writing to the court that he hit me out of instinct, because that makes it okay?  I am not sure what is going on in the head of his???

First round in court the mediator recommended no contact with me or the kids until the criminal case was finished.  The judge of course told me I had to give him two weeks supervised.  LAME   Why are we helping the abusers in the world continue to use the court system and anyone they can to continue the pattern of control and abuse.  SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN.  NO tolerance, No one should beat their kids mother in front of their kids and get to see day light.  It is not forgivable.

SO I decided to write another business plan for a non-profit called Survivors for change.  They will work with other advocates and non-profits to help fill the gap in society for services for victims of crime or more importantly mother and children like me.  Seriously, I have become a statistic and 75 % of women are forced to return or more likely to be killed after they try and leave the abuser.  It is never just physical, or mental, it always includes financial abuse.  Seems for such a progressive state (California) we are far behind in the reality of day-to-day value of stay-at-home moms. 

I could go on but seem to have more ideas than actual plans these days, I just don’t know how to get these things moving and do everything by myself anymore.  Maybe I am getting older, or just nuts and Nobody is letting me in on the secret.  Just goes to show I don’t really have any friends, not if they are letting me be unrealistic and a dreamer…  Then again I can see the other side to that statement.

Time to start over again, this will be number 10-12, who knows, I lost count and I am not even forty yet.  Lets hope I am still not sitting at home writing about starting over and stuff at forty.  Please admit me to a hospital or something, if I am still doing the same thing.  Something’s gotta give.

Well at least I have my humor right dear friend.  I wish you could see my daughter and little boy they grow and love and live with such laughter.  That is all I want, smiles and laughter for them.  Well, and my legacy to leave behind so they never have the life I do, ever.  At least it is not boring.

Here is the start of the new list to complete.  Something needs to get done here.

·      Survivors for Change – Non-Profit

·      Fitness Hero – For Profit LLC

·      Services/Property Management/ All property services company- C-or S -Corp with LLCs that the Corp Owns.  Maybe incorporate in Denver, check options dependent on number of shareholders and structure.  Need Broker.

·      Finish Book “In Search of Isabelle” -  Find Ghost Writer to format edit and complete, then publish.  Timing is dependent on other goals.  Need to take personal names out.

·      Finish Lawsuit to keep house and sell next year /spring.

·      Spend more time with Adults

·      Get Laid

·      Run more, go places, get out, go crazy

·      Make more money to support the above

Talk to you soon Isabelle.  I wish you were here everyday with me.  Heartache and pain have nothing on us...  Bending as far as I can waiting for you.