IM BACK and doing fine!!! 2011 OCT

So it has been a while….

It is October 2011

My divorce proceedings are coming to an end and my soon to be ex-husband has damaged everything, and everyone in my life. Well except for me and my little guy he can’t have us and never will have what we have.
This man has acted like a teenager in high school running to anyone who will listen including my 16 year old son. He has damaged and tainted the children, abused me and now still attempts to drag as many people he can down with him. Divorce doesn’t need to be this ugly. He was right I never loved him, how could I?? he never was on my side and I never could have trusted him.
Things are coming to an end and I need to find Job, I feel nothing about that and just need things to work in my favor for once.
I am hopeful of having a healthy relationship with someone soon. If anything I came out of this with more knowledge and more aware. I will never allow anyone near my family again….
The 2 year old is great; he is growing talking, and happy a little above average. My older son has left me and the little guy for now. My ex-husband decided to take revenge on me and use him as collateral damage in the divorce. I will SAY IT AGAIN… Children should never be involved in adult issues or in a divorce.

how much can a person take?/ 2011

It has been a rough year of many losses in my life.
I lost a husband or was beaten down to the point I had to let him go.
I lost a dear family member my wonderful 22 year old cousin. He left in three months from aggressive brain cancer.
I am loosing my older son, he is 16 years old soon and pulling away like they do at this age.
I am loosing a dear friend who has been apart of my life for over 4 years because of her choices to pursue a relationship with another women while married with kids.
I lost a family I wanted to much to have apart of my life.
I know pain better than anyone I know. I know how pain pulls me down.
I just want to know now how much loss and pain can one person take in a life time?
I am 34 years old and still waiting to finish college, waiting for my life to begin, waiting to stop hurting.
How much do I need to take before I finally end it all and wish to die. I try and tell myself I just need a few more years, one more chance to do it right. Reality is I have used all me chances up. The daily beating or verbal abuse from my exes is unbearable. I never get a break, just a moment to breathe without being pulled.
I feel so dead inside most the time it is like walking outside myself and wondering when I will be pinched so I can feel again. I would love to feel something again.

So I ask again how much can a person take without completely giving up?

On my own/ Current Day 2011

For all the things I have done wrong, at least I have done two things right. Being a mother is a gift that I treasure everyday. Being a mother is true love, being mother is my strength, being a mother is blind faith; it is my joy, my worry. My children are the best parts of me, all that is great and all that is pure I give to them unconditionally. If I never do anything else in my life I will feel completely whole in knowing I am a wonderful mother madly in love with these two boys everyday.

That being said, I live for my children and parts of me die every time knowing they have to grow up in a split parent home. I tried talking to my soon to be ex-husband again. I told him I am so sad for the kids and hope they will be okay. All he could do is blame me for everything and tell me about all the horrible things I did and am doing. He kept asking me what I want, I could only reply I want you to be someone else. It finally came down to me telling him he did this and he fucked up which he did not like of course because he can’t see any fault in what he has done.

I guess a part of me really wants him to just say I am sorry, just day something that will tell me he regrets what he has done. That he shouldn’t of threatened me, shouldn’t tell me he will hit me or I have no right to my sons life. Something… But all he can do is tell me what I did wrong and how he hates everything. I am sooo sad for the situation and can’t stop hurting. I am scared, I am in so much pain for my kids and what they have to face. The fact their life will now become a schedule of visitation to one parent or another. I know this life I did it with my first son and waited 14 years to even try again. It has failed and now I wish I could fix it for them but can’t.

As for my other friends, they are slowly fading away. One good friend has decided she wants to be lesbian, while she is married with two kids and is pulling away from me because I can’t give her what she wants. I guess it rains when is pours. However I can’t live or be someone I am not. I am not a crazy person who will be made to feel guilty for not loving someone, male or female.

I have nothing left to give right now and just try and hope I can again pull through this and make it on my own.

No body wins.../ Current Day 2011

Today was a hard day
My baby is having a difficult time with the transitions of going back
and forth between his father and me. He is crying and clinging to us.
My heart is breaking for him.
I wish there was another way, I wish things were different.
I can’t go back I can’t go back to the abuse.
I would like to fantasize about things working out better but I know
in my heart it will never.

It is the children who suffer the most and I will never be able to
look another man in the face and say I love you again. This is too
much to watch your children suffer from the mistakes made by their
parents. No parent should have to watch them cry form this mess of a
life that his father created by being so abusive to me.

A friend told me it will pass and things will be alright in long run.
I don’t want my child to suffer now but I don’t want them growing up
watching their mother be abused.

I don’t think anyone wins in a divorce

So much is good and the rest is gone...

So it is done I guess, the judge granted a five year restraining order for my husband. He stood there in court and not only lied under oath, but was caught lying then continued to try and place blame on me.
Why do I feel so sad, I am crying a lot, grieving my losses? I really wanted a family, to be married, to have a home.
It just keeps getting worse even though things are better at home now it is worse in a way. My parents told my older son’s father what is going on, so now he is doing everything he can to hurt me with the information.
I didn’t want this, this life of a single mother and so much. I just thought I could be happy and deal with the abuse maybe it would change I thought for so long. But my husband will never change and he is gone, my life has changed for the better. SO why am I crying.
My good friend told me I am sad from the loss, I believe I did the right thing. I don’t want my children growing up with someone abusing me in front of them all the time. But now they are growing up without the consistency of having two parents in the home that love them. It is a horrible thing to have this situation forced upon my kids. I know I am sad for them.

What is yet to come/ Current 2011

This weekend has been wonderful with my two boys. The teenager and baby have been busy with me doing family stuff and today relaxing.

The teenager took the news about my husband well I guess. I only told him that my husband was gone for a while and needed some time apart from us. What am I supposed to say?? I don’t know what will happen or when. All I know is I can’t live the way I was living for so long with him.

I have been seeing a new therapist that has determined my main issue is I take too much blame for the problems in my life. That I blame myself so often it clouds my judgment or my gut instincts. Who knows? Maybe I can see that? I have been told a long time that everything is my fault…

I am working on getting stronger and moving forward in whichever direction life takes me. I start school this week and have y court date to find out what happens next.

I guess time will tell where I will land. It sure would be nice to have a plan, and in a way I do have a plan I think it is the hope that is missing from my life.

So for now I grieve the loss of a relationship I hoped would someday work out. Not sure what I liked about it other than the fact financially it was better than where I will be for the next few years. But I have had less.

Forward/ Current Day 2011

I am feeling better about my separation from my husband it is amazing how I let things get this bad. I enrolled in school and will be a student again at the end of the month. Now I have a lot to do before the court date and prepare for a possible battle.

I haven’t told my older son and I am afraid of what this might do to him. I am staying strong in hopes of one day having a normal life again with my own things.

The scary part is I have no clue where the bills are and have nothing in my name. It is like he kept it from me for years and now I have to start over.

I just hope the judge is fair, and sees what I am facing.

Sad but moving forward/ Current Day 2011

My world is moving forward but a little sad today. I filed for separation and a temporary restraining order since my husband would not stop making threats. I felt the need to protect myself and take the threat of physical harm very seriously. I asked the judge to grant him half custody and visitation. Unfortunately the judge refused my request and granted me full custody.

My heart aches and I never would want to inflict this type of pain on anyone the way it was done to me years ago. I am torn, but must stick to my beliefs and hope things can be worked out.

A part of e does not want my marriage to end this way. But apart of me dose not want what was happening. I was being told and treated like I was nothing and sick and he was well. You can’t bully or control people and we are both at fault when it comes to being unkind to each other. But once the threat of physical harm was made I had to do something it was just going to far.

Maybe I am a fool for hoping he can calmly work through this with me and fix our marriage. But I will pray everything no mater what happens will be all right and I will have the strength to look forward to my future.

I have been working on myself as I always do. I started the process of enrolling in school and I am going to the gym. I try and take the baby out to the park once a day while the weather is nice he does love the outdoors. I must be strong for him and make my decisions with his best interest in mind at all times.
I will try next week again to go and get the judge to allow some visitation for the baby to see his father. 20 day is too long for them to be apart.

End and finding answers/ Current Day 2011

I have spent hour’s maybe days or months trying to figure out why my husband won’t listen to me or talk to me. Why he continues to treat me like a child and degrade me. Why he goes to therapist and everyone but me for the answer to how to fix things. The only thing I can come up with is he doesn’t see me for who I am and the person I am but as a sick child he has to control and take care of his way. He has such little faith in my abilities and lacks basic knowledge of who I am that he thinks I can’t possibly know what I need, want or that I even have the ability to know such things.

I am a 33-year-old women and I have made plenty of mistakes. I have had great jobs, sucky jobs, made close to six figures a year with lavish vacations and college funds for my son and investments in the stock market. I have lost so much and gained it all back. But there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe there never has been, maybe I just needed to struggle to find myself. But who hasn’t and some have more than others, that is what makes us all who we are. I am not like him I will never be and I did not have the simple life he did. But I have acceptance, honesty and the ability to never judge others. My compassion and understanding for those around me is my downfall and my greatness.

SO my marriage is over because my husband can’t treat me as an adult and the person I am. He can’t except maybe I am more than some label I have been given. And he will search for answers he will never find, because he can’t see me. He can’t trust that I have the answers and I know what I need.

Again/ Current Day 2011

This last week had its good and bad. I had time with friends so that was good. My baby is growing and learning more so that is always wonderful.

My husband left again today and said he won’t be back for a while. We fought again about the usual and he said again I deserve to be threatened and hit. He said there is no dealing with me threw $100 bucks for the week at me and left. I am used to his drinking at night and then bullying me during the day then finally he leaves….

I just need the energy to get moving on my plans so I can become employed and get out of here. I am looking for a reseller or Jeweler to try and get rid of some insignificant jewelry. Then putting feelers out so I can find a JOB or go back to school. My husband keeps threatening me that he will take everything in court. What he does not realize is he can’t take anything from me. I have nothing already?? My son is not going anywhere and there is not a court out there that would take a child away from the mother that has raised him for the last year and half. Or at least that is what I would like to believe. It would never make sense for the baby to have to change so drastically because his father wishes it.

I wish I had someone to talk to or somewhere to go right now. But I don’t I have created this mess and need to find my own way out. It is sad but true.

To do list/ Current day

So dreams…

1. Be self sufficient
2. Be healthy
3. Take care of my children
4. Wealth
5. Independence
6. Travel, A lot
7. Be happy
8. Live in the same home forever
9. Never look back


Now how???

Moving forward again/ Current Day

Today I actually finally got some organization completed. I think well when I am busy. I feel better when I am productive.

I am one of those people who believe if you are lucky enough to have things then you should take care of them. This includes relationships. Yes I am a bit of a hard ass who tends to tell others worry about you first. You bet I am…
But when it comes down to it I think you can own stuff or people but it is never really yours unless you take care of it. That’s means you must keep it in a happy, nice working condition. You get to know people and actually want them to have what they need. Not what you think they need but what they really need.
At times this concept is challenging for anyone. It is hard to not agree with friends or family and put aside your own beliefs in order to allow them or help them achieve what they want.
I know this is what separates my husband and me from ever really being compatible. He wants me to want what he does. When I tell him what I want he tells me I don’t need that or I am wrong. He does not take car of me. He may care about me as a thing or something he claims ownership over but he will never take care of me or truly love me. It is the same thing with his car or other belongings he throws them on the floor, never cleans his car, doesn’t’ keep anything in a nice working condition. Therefore these things will never last.
I cannot say if this is good or bad it is not my job to judge him. I just am trying to recognize the issue or differences between us.

It is like being a parent, sure I don’ t want my kids to hate me or be mad at me but sometimes in order to do what is best to care for them you have to deal with people getting a little pissed off. I mean simple things like bedtime and going to school or getting good grades. Not making them wear the clothes you like or making them think the way you do.

I may not have a way out of the situation I am in, but that is my fault. It reminds me of the time I was homeless and had to rely on the “kindness of strangers” as they say. Maybe I was a smuck maybe I wanted to see good in people and ignored the evil of men, who knows?? I was staying with some guy cause I had nowhere else to go. He promised me he was doing me a favor as a friend. I was clear I had no interest in him romantically or otherwise. He promised again there was no ulterior motive on his part. But in the end it was a horrible nightmare like I am in now. He wanted to force me to love him or like him in a romantic way. He demanded hugs or for me to touch him. I refused and he would just make me uncomfortable. He would watch me sleep, take pictures of me and masturbate to them. All kinds of awful things. I got through it and found I way out. I will get through this and find a way out for my son and me.

In the mean time I will just stay and enjoy my time with my baby. He is learning more and we know each other really well. No matter what anyone thinks I am a good mother. Maybe it’s the only thing I am good at.

Just Me/ Current Day 2011

I would do anything to feel something now
I would do anything just for one moment of peace now, a break from you and what you are to me
I would tear myself in two just be free
Contemplating the changes that in time will erase my pain
I am waiting for something that just won’t ever show
Waiting on a tomorrow I will never know
I’m caught in a nightmare that won’t end and I can’t stop the bleeding
Whatever they say about fairytales will never happen now
Never happen for me no matter how much I try to dream
I have tried everything and don’t know how
How to escape and start a new dream
I am silent now
Silently crying in my sleep
I would do anything to feel something now
I would do anything if I knew how
I would go back if I could and erase the blame
Looking at the situation now, I would never have stayed
I would have been stronger somehow
I would have done what I should and leave
Just to be who I was before, just me

Something to feel / Current Day 2011

I thought things were getting better with my husband and they are not. I have to say I don’t even feel anything towards him any more. After he threatened to hit me again, then reminded me I have nothing and nowhere to go. Then changed his story three times of why he said it never even apologizing just made excuses to justify his threats. One time he said I deserve it then he said I threatened his sister, then he said he could do what he wanted it was his house. I am saddens me to say this isn’t going to work. He makes it sound like I have no clue or no memory of what happens. Even the smallest things. For example I told him to please be careful of leaving his bottle caps from the beer he drinks every night around the house. He said I am imagining it and he never leaves them around. Then he will tell me I make it all up because I need something to pick at.???

I will smile and stay calm and remember my life will go on. Like I say I have been through worse and will one day hope to go through better.

He started including the teenager in our fight so I again smiled and walked away. I will admit I am a mean person at times. Some bring this out in me more than others. I have always been honest with the fact I can be vindictive and selfish. But when it comes down to it I am fragile as any one else.

I try to talk to him he bullies me and tell me to shut up even when I am just talking about my day. That he doesn’t want to come home and talk about those things. He has no interest in me being a real person or having the ability to complete my future plans. He is interested in ownership nothing more. So he can own the house the things in the house and me for now. But he will never really have my love or desire to be with him. I told him in the beginning to deal or be with me you must remember life will go on with or without me that my independence is what makes me who I am. This has been taken away, beaten down and bullied.

I am quiet now, with nothing to say to him. I let him fuck me because it gives him a reason to be nice on occasion and makes him feel better. He never notices I don’t enjoy his company. He tries to do little things like buy me a mug or something but he does not even know what I like and don’t like. After three years this man has no clue how to read me or notice anything. I am at loss and tired of trying.

I just hope in the next few years I can find away to be on my own again. Sure for now the kids need me but that will end one day. Maybe in time he can come to terms of the huge mistake we made and let me go.

I am sure I am not the only women in this situation, I am sure there are many like me who stay because they have no way out. I just never thought I would be one of those women. A old friend of mine said he hates seeing me unhappy. I don’t think about happiness. I don’t really care about being happy it is overrated. I just want to feel safe again. I just want to have my own bank account and money to manage or a future for myself. I want to feel something.

Current Day 2011

A life with out direction, no meaning no plan. A life without the answer to who I am. I don’t dream or hope for things to change just wait and wonder when I will be safe again.

I don’t fit in and don’t get along; I don’t feel wanted or have anywhere to belong. They say I will be left with nothing but the bruises he leaves behind and that is the only thing I know I can count on to be all mine.

I wish it would end that the words would disappear, I want the hitting to start so I feel something more than I feel here.
What is left to say about a life discarded away.

Nothing, emptiness, hollow, Or numb are my only words today.

I smile and say everything is fine, I smile and agree they are right and I should be left behind. I smile then say whatever you want is okay. That is all I have strength for today.

Maybe I could be a bit depressed, maybe I could be all they say and the rest. I think I just need something to believe, something to have hope in and someone to be.

I try and remember who I used to be, the person I once was, and the laughter the passion the hope I once did see. I try and hold on to the feeling I used to have, like the one time I was kissed by someone that didn’t make me sad. I try and remember maybe one day I can get it right. But for now I don’t want to try.

I have chosen to stay and can’t blame anyone but me. I have chosen to give up and remain here in misery. I have chosen to be with a man who doesn’t care or believe in me. I have chosen to not fight or find a way out and that’s all I can do so why bother to shout.

Everyone sees me as strong or happy, everyone thinks I can do anything I want. Reality is there is nothing I can do right, I try and fail every time.

My life has been a series of bad choices or mistakes that I make the best of and wish one day will change.

end to being an Auntie/ Current Day 2011

So I thought I would let you know all good things come to an end.

My time with my so called nieces and nephews is over. I guess it is my fault again and Matthew does not care.

I had a hard day today with the baby, my nephew. I was blunt with his mother again and told her I can’t have a creaming child from hunger in my house all the time. I asked her again to please provide me with enough food for him just in case he has a day like today when he is needing more food. She pulled all the kids from my care permanently because she felt offended with my honesty. She didn’t tell me this she is passive and instead lied to my face, she told my husband and then sent me a text messages saying she appreciated my help and did not need it anymore. Why are people so two faced! Why can’t they just be honest with me? Or say what they think? So my hopes and dreams of being an auntie are gone…

I guess I just don’t fit in anywhere. I feel so out of place in my own life. My husband did not defend me of course. I guess it doesn’t matter I have two friends that like me for me, that is more than most people. Maybe one day I will have a family that loves me for me too. Then again who am I kidding some people where meant to be alone. I tired to have family and it never works out because the majority of the world hates confrontation. That is who I am I am confrontational and expect others to be the same with me. I use to think honesty and being this way was a honorable thing. It was honorable to tell people what you think and give them the opportunity to be honest with me. I may spend my life alone because of this trait. I don’t know how to change something I have been since I was a little girl… IT is the only thing I have left. My passion to try and live honestly with others and myself. I hold back so much more these days, I really try to hold it in and not say what I feel or think. But even being half of who I am I offend someone. So this is me giving up and hoping one day to have a different life, because I don’t feel this life is a good fit either.

Thanks for reading.

SO its been awhile.../ Current Day 2011

SO it again had been awhile since I wrote in this journal.

I try and do it but feel I have nothing to say anymore. I love my life most the time, or should I say I feel nothing either way. It is how I cope most the time.

Thomas died February 23rd at 3:05pm. It was one of the hardest days of my life this year. He had complications and he had an aggressive form of brain cancer attack causing severe brain damage within three days. I was there with my granny and his brother as the last breath left his body. There is nothing to say when a 22 year old leaves this world so suddenly and unfairly. He was very special to me and I am not sure how to deal with the loss. I am sleeping more, tired all the time and cranky. Plus the nightmares are back with the grief. I need to go to the gym but really feel displaced from the loss of such a wonderful young man in our lives.

My son is becoming more like his father and I really don’t have much to say about that. He made his decision and there is nothing I can do but let him go. I try and only get hurt more, maybe I will raise another boy (my baby) that will grow up and hate me too. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? If only the older teenager new or listened to me about life once in a while. It is a shame we will have to cut him out of the trust, will and everything. I cannot risk any more damage to this family by his father.

My marriage is better, my husband has shown a large amount of strength through everything and that makes me like him more. We are talking and have been trying to have another child but I don’t see much hope in that. My body is not really showing any signs of returning to normal. I mean I lost all the weight but my hormones and periods are off. I doubt I am even ovulating anymore. So whatever I guess I need to let it go and stop giving him or myself false hope.

I am ok, my husband finally realized I am happier when I have time alone, time at the gym, and have money of my own to spend on myself. WOW! Isn’t he a genius!

Financially we are great, we are almost finished with the second property, investments are OK, and things seem pretty normal. Maybe one day I will be allowed access to the bank accounts so I don’t have to ask for cash like a little child. But I won’t hold my breath. I am just holding out until I can get to school and work again. I guess I am numb and waiting for my life to start again.

I have been helping my sister in law with her kids for a while. WOW I thought I had issues. I told her last week it needs to end now. The 5 month old is still on breast milk and she has refused to allow me enough during the day to feed him so that he is starving when she gets home and still feeds from her boob at night. He cries all the time. I tried to talk to her and put him on a regular schedule since I had him 10 hours a day. You know like the pediatrician and books say… Feed the kids every two hours 4 ounces then some cereal or something and a regular 2-hour nap in the afternoon. He was sleeping at night eating during the day and she didn’t like it because she wants the baby to breast-feed. WTF?? I told her I refuse to not feed him when he is hungry just because she wants to breast feed him at night. She lets him suck on her breast all night. Then expects me to hold him and not feed him very much all day for 10 hours. Sorry I am not qualified to do that for any child when I have a year and half old with me all day too. My kids are more important, and I refuse to have a baby crying from hunger in my house all day.

Maybe I am a bitch and should do what his mother wants, but really she should pay someone to do it her way and I can go back to my kids.

Anyway that is it for now and I will try and write more later but don’t hold your breathe waiting. I don’t…

Enjoying the good and the Bad/ Current Day 2011

I am very happy with life today.

I know some things can be hard but they unfolding into a life I never knew I would have.
The good and the bad are balancing themselves out more.
My cousin went back in the hospital and almost died. I was there and thankful I could be there for my Granny and my cousin. He is getting better one day at a time. But I am embracing the fact that I get to be there for him and my Granny. That is a blessing.

I am caring for my two nephews and Niece, I am involved in their lives daily and I have a sister!

My son gets to be with me everyday (the baby) he is speaking words already at 1 year old and doing great.

My parents are calling more for what they need. It is strange being the one child they can rely on in a time in their lives that is difficult. There dentist practice has been put in jeopardy and I can help. It makes me feel needed.

My husband is up for another promotion. This would be great for our family so I am keeping positive. Even though we have the stress of two properties, filing bankruptcy and all the above I am adjusting well.

I am taking the little money I have from caring for the kids and using it to spend every Sunday at the spa. I have a mani pedi or facial done just little things to make myself feel good. I go to the gym at 5:30 am 3 days a week for now and hope I can get rid of the extra 20 lbs. It is what I need.

Balance is beginning and the negativity of the past is fading.

I thought I would work or go back to the hard life I had but instead I am able to give. I am able to be there everyday for the people I love finally. This is what my secret dream has always been.


I personally have been going through the transition of having a teenager, yuck! As well as being a stay at home mother and after being a workingwomen for so many years. Not that I don’t love my kids but as you know we all want to be more productive when you are use to being a women of the world.
I have been recently blessed with a wonderful relationship with my sister in law. She has become close to me in the recent months. She has three kids 4 months, 5 years, and 11. She has returned to work and found nothing but horrible experiences with the daycare in her area. I was filling in when needed and now have taken on the 4 month old full time as well as the other kids two days per week. I look at this as an answer to my prayers. For many years I have longed for the family I miss (my sisters don’t speak to me). I have now been given the opportunity to challenge my self and follow a path of life I never thought would exist for me. As of this week, I am Auntie, Mother, and Sister full time. I never thought my life would take me here and for years I left my hopes of family or didn’t want to want these blessings because of my fears of being rejected by the ones I loved most. But as you said GOD sent me my miracle and secret dreams of family. I am thankful for the chance to be in their lives everyday.


SO today is good and a little bad but that is balance, right??

Teenagers whats left in the end/ Current Day 2011

SO today my teenager said he want to take a break from seeing me and feels I am to blame for the conflict with his father. That he needs to protect his father and family from me, basically.

Maybe my anger finally caught up with me, maybe I deserve it all…

I would love to continue to try and defend my actions to him. But find myself choosing to let him go instead. Sure every parent fights for their kids. Maybe I fought to hard and did too much. His father has influenced him and it is too late for me to be apart of his life. Maybe it is for the best or at least that is what I will tell myself for now as I prepare for whatever is next. I don’t think any parent can prepare themselves for the hurt a teenager causes them. How our children turn around and hate us after they loved us for so long.

SO here is what I would love to say and can’t to my teenager… Because I can’t hurt him and it wont matter anyway. Maybe I am selfish and just want my little boy back.

I am writing you this letter because there are things I never wanted to tell you that I feel I am forced to tell you at this time.

I do not want to fight, I do not want you to be hurt and that is why I want you to stay out of the arguments with your father. As you know and should understand by now your father and I are very different people and will never get along. That being said it does not mean I will ever stop loving you. I will never stop fight for what is best for you or to be apart of your life.
However you tell me how I baby you and do not treat you like a grown up. Well maybe that is because I don’t want you to know how painful the world can be and want you to be happy forever. I don’t want you to hate your father I don’t want you to not want see him or me. I have never kept you from him or told you not to be apart of his life.

If you want to be treated as an adult I will treat you as one.

Here is the truth and here are all the documents to support the truth. You may think what I am telling you is bad but it is the truth.

You have chosen to forget all the things I have done for you. The trips to Maui, Disneyland, the theater in San Francisco. I didn’t get married before because I thought it was best for all my time and energy to be about you. I raised you, your father paid for you. Your father has never been without a women in his home and life. He either had his mother or someone else to take care of you and has not spent the time I have. You are changing now and growing up, so if you want to make a decision about who is right or wrong at least have all the facts.

Your father has hurt my family for a long time. He has physically hurt me and tried everything he can to take you away from me. My best friend and many others watched him and his wives abuse me for years and hurt you. He stole money from my Grandpa, he lied to his last wife and cheated on her. He lied in court and cheated on me when we were together. And YES he lied to you. But now my anger is effecting my relationship with you so it is time to let the cards fall where they may.

You told me once that your father told you I was an unfit mother or could not care for you when you were 8 years old. That the whole experience traumatized you. Well it was not true. I was never an unfit mother and you wanted to be with me. I have over 300 letter from your therapist Erica, your old teachers, and many other people telling the court and your father to leave you with me. You yourself at 8 years old asked me to fight for you. If so many people said you should stay with me and you wanted to stay with me then why would your father still try and take you from me?
You told me to help you and give you time with me before you went to visit your father again and his new girl friend at the time Maureen. You were scared and hurt by him leaving Amy and want to be with me. Instead your father became angry with me and used you to hurt me by taking you from me.

You father took personal medical records of mine from when I was 13 years old. The records were about when I was sexually abused and conversations I had with a therapist. He stole these from me and told the judge since I was sexually abused I could not care for you. I was working two jobs and taking care of you at the time but could not afford a Lawyer. Your father’s Lawyer was very powerful and he won based on me being sexually abused as a child. I don’t think someone being abused should be used against someone in court but your father did not care.

I know this is a lot to understand and hard to believe so I have all the court documents to show you if needed.

Throughout the years I tried to see you and even moved to Roseville to be closer to you. When I would see you your father would come to my house early or threaten me all the time. He would threaten to keep you from me, You stepmother helped him do this and would call me and make threats to me about hurting you to hurt me. I eventually had to move back to San Francisco for work and continued to fight to see you. Your father would change the times and make it difficult for me to pick you up all the time. I did the best I could. Your father was not around a lot leaving you with your stepmother and would never return calls or emails. I also have all the emails and can show you many emails of your Father attempting to bad mouth me and saying hurtful horrible things about me.

Now that I went back to court, and have more time with you there is nothing your father can do. The judge told him to stop his behavior and not interfere with my visitation. Your father is angry because he does not like me and he can’t hurt me anymore. Now he is telling you things that are untrue just like he has told you before when you were 8 years old, just like he told your fist stepmother when he cheated on her with the new stepmother, Just like he told my Grandfather, just like he told me.

I don’t want to fight with you about your father. You have become extremely sensitive to anything I say or do and it is never my intention to hurt you. You think he has your best intensions in mind but really if you think about it why would he have taken you from me and keep trying to take you from me. He has never emailed me and been honest with anyone. He hurts people around me and tried to hurt me through you.

I have never stopped hoping for you to come home. You wanted to be with me then and should never have left. I could have taken you back from your father a year ago but you said that you wanted to live there so I listened to you.

This is my deepest regret, loosing you and not protecting you better. You asked me to protect you when you where 8 years old and I could not. I tried to protect you now from this and failed again by being forced to tell you the truth.

You can choose to be apart of my life but it will never be easy just honest. I would hope you would have your own thoughts and beliefs not your fathers or mine.
And anyone that tells you it is not there fault or they do not deserve something is wrong. We all have a part in what happens in our lives. WE all effect others around us and no one is left without blame. Your father and I are both to blame not just one of us.

I taught you to think for yourself when you were younger and hope you figure it out again someday. I would miss you if you were gone and hope you find your way back to me. To the moon and back.

The fact is what we want to say to our children they never understand until they are older. So what is the point in fighting? It is selfish of me to think it evens matters to him what happened. He has made his choice and the choice is not me.
All the hard work and fighting does not matter in the end because our kids just grow up and hate us no matter what we do. That is all that is left in the end, we loose them and hope they come back one day.

Path to choose/ Current Day 2011

It has been a busy week to say the least. Some might think I complain a lot when I shouldn’t in my entries of this journal. But really this is my venting page where I get to scream as loud as I can about the things I can’t say out loud. As we all know our inner voiceless is not as kind or as positive as we all try to be on the outside. I never mean to be negative or complain. I do have a large amount of good in my life. It has been a challenging road I have chosen to travel. It has never been perfect and if anything I have tends to air on the side of honesty, not only with my emotions but with accepting the fact I am far from perfect. I can only learn form what I write and try harder to change and grow from the negative to the positive.

I have been having a more than difficult time with the teenager. Some would say it is normal. I am now faced with the fact he has decided I am the bad person and his father is all good. It is never that simple, as we all know. Instead I am choosing or ready to let go. I am not going to continue to tell him my truth of what the arguments are between his father and myself. I am choosing silence. This may in turn keep him from seeing me. It may damage things beyond repair. But I can’t fight anymore. I won’t fight with a 15 year old about my past issues with his father. SO I am letting him go…

In the good parts of my life my dreams are evolving. I am torn at times of being a single independent women and loving the fact I love being alone. But the other side of me the harder side or bigger risk is the dream of having a family with lots of people involved. It is a risk for me to let go and let people in. It leaves room for disappointment and heartache. When you allow people in your life they can let you down. I have been in search of something my entire life. In search of myself or which path to choose. A life alone that is safe and successful to the outer world or a less perfect life filled with many people.

I remember as a child wanting and hating my family. I learned to let them go and tired to replace the emptiness only to find more heartache. Then I decided to never let anyone in and be alone. Now I am rolling the dice and fighting my own fear s everyday.

The good news is if I can change and be a auntie, mother, wife, and a member of a real family I might have more pain but will have greater rewards.

I will try… I am putting my fear aside and will betaking care of my niece and nephews a few days per week. I am excited and I am learning to allow myself the attachment. With this only rewards of maybe having the dream of family could happen finally. If I don’t try well then maybe I will have the life of being alone. It is a hard one and the only one I will grow and learn from.
After all what is a life worth if it cannot be shared.

Post Traumatic Stress/ Current Day 2011

SO the last couple days my husband has been putting records together in order to place assets into a trust and move some things around. This means paper work. As he always does he waits until the last minute and then comes to me to get things done. This stresses me out because it is all legal paper work that should be done correctly not thrown together and will need to be redone. I am not a procrastinator and I am very organized most the time. However since I have moved 3 times in the last year with him and he packed things I have no clue where most things are. If you are like me this makes your life hell in so many ways. My husband is the most disorganized person I have ever known in my life. It never mattered to me when we were dating because I never wanted to get married. However since we are married and everything it makes me crazy. Then triggers an anger fit. He pushes me to do everything and I have to dig up things from my past that I don’t want to deal with. I need time to deal with things not two hours before the dead line after he has had the paper work over a week.
Then he is arguing with me about money again telling me I can’t or shouldn’t feel the way I feel. That I really don’t need anything and can make him a list for approval. Everyone may think he is a nice guy but he really needs to learn to respect others opinions and feelings. TO me he is a dick! It was the whole fight again about how I am an adult and need my own money to budget etc… How he does not agree or care. Same fight different day. This triggers me into being upset for days, wanting to leave missing my single life and all the above. Now I have spent the day super sensitive to everything around me.

Which brings me to today. I spent some time with a friend and their kids for lunch the subject came up about a person they new that lost a child. I left the room and cried on my way home. It reminds me of the loss of my son when he was 7 years old. How is father ripped him away from me for no reason with the help of the system. If you have been reading this journal then you know the history. I had over 300 letters of support from teachers and therapists and parents form the community. Still my son was taken. If you can envision in your head a mother having her child ripped out of her arms at that age then you can relate to why I call it a major loss of my child in my life. I can’t let it go these days. With my alder son and his attitude towards me, or the way he is taking his fathers side. It hurts and I have to be strong and move forward. People tell me he will understand one day or see it for what it is but really that is no guarantee. He may choose to leave me forever from being poisoned against me by his father. No one speaks up for me. No one has told him what I went through. The fighting and all the years of being fucked with so I could just have one day with him. I was never a bad mother, and I have over 300 letters to prove it. But according to my teenage son I am useless. SO after all the fighting and all the tears I loose, and everyone is telling me to let it go... I would give anything to have one person on my side. I don’t want my son to be hurt from knowing the truth about his father but what do I do?? Sit quietly and let him go because I can’t tell him…


These flash backs or rushes of emotion are what the doctor calls PTSD. I have panic attacks from the memories of those years. I cry when I feel too stressed and always come back to this place of pain.

But who really ever gets over the loss of their child? We just slap a Band-Aid on it and move forward. Now I feel some days I am loosing him all over again. I don’t know if there is a big enough Band-Aid for that.

Reality Current Day 2011

My husband is gone all the time with our other property remodel so I am looking for a good daycare for my baby two days per-week in order to actually breathe and get something done. Don’t get me wrong I love the little guy he is 13 months and perfect. I am just not capable of being with him everyday and night with out a break once in a while.

The teenager was over this weekend and we are growing farther apart someday. I know a big influence is his birth father right now. He is going through that phase where he needs to please his father. All boys go through it I here….
The issue is his father does not do what is best for him? I am confused and concerned. His father actually told him that he does not need to go to college, that there is no need for him to have a bank account or learn about “those things”. He explains to him why he does not need his mother. My son is so sensitive about anything I can’t talk to him about it without him thinking I am attacking his father somehow. It makes it uncomfortable for me to even talk to my own Teenager. But I guess that is what his father wanted so I will always keep trying. I just worry he is limiting his potential and will never wake up to what his father is doing. Then I worry about the pain he will feel when he realizes what his father is doing and that he does not have his best interest in mind. That feeling I know too well and I am not sure what will be worse.

My life is OK, I am trying to be sexual again this week with my husband who seems overly concern with my personal pleasure. I guess after I told him that he makes me NOT want to have sex anymore and I don’t enjoy sex anymore with him he is now trying harder. Sometimes in a marriage you get in a routine and it sucks or you just fantasize about younger people. I don’t know? I guess I have never really been attracted to men or women. I have experiences a few times that uncontrollable erg to fuck someone sideways or something like that. There were a couple guys and one girl in my past that just smelled fantastic! I know it’s strange but we are all animals. I was so horny in my mid 20s I think I am done with my sexual peek of anything. Or maybe I had too much sex in my youth everything is just redundant and boring now. I will admit I lost count on how many men or women a long time ago. It was not hundreds but maybe 100 at the most. I really used my sexuality to get what I wanted or hurt people. That I am not proud of so maybe my punishment is I don’t get to enjoy sex like I use to anymore.

Well back to reality back to the kids and moving forward in what life I have now.

Being Naive is not the best thing for everyone. Current Day 2011

So my temper and anger fit has left me finally from the other day.

We are moving forward with the eviction of our tenant from one of the properties and getting rid of the property. It is amazing how I have to push my husband into sending the tenant a notice of default or 3 day notice when they don['t pay their rent. I am forever the bad guy and he is the nice one in the eyes of the public. I look at it as a fair situation. You don't pay your rent you don't get to live there. Simple right?
My husband wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and try to be nice. Who said I am being mean because I am enforcing the rules or obligations of their lease. This is not a friendship or a gray area. It is business and unfortunately my husband sucks at being the barer of bad news so I have to push him or do it myself.

It should be completed in a couple months, which will be great. It will free up a lot of cash and make our savings a little more cushion. Well at least that is what I am told. Honestly I am not sure some days if I should be concerned with the fact I do not have access to any of the bank accounts or direct knowledge of the finances. I really have no control over anything so I guess I will readdress that issue another day. What I do know is my husband is one of the smartest people I know when it comes to money. He is unbelievable, he has invested, saved, and is cheap as hell. I just have to push him when I want money.

I am starting to get better from my flu, and sleeping less again. The only issue now is my husband has been letting the baby sleep with him while I was sick. If you have kids then you know it is a tuff habit to get your kids out of after the habit has been made. I have fought this for months with my husband. The baby does not cry when I come in the room at night after he has woken up. He goes back to sleep because he knows better. The funny part is my husband blames me for the issue telling me that if he doesn’t keep him calm and wakes me I become upset from being woken up.
I love how it is my fault…
I am a bitch no matter what if you wake me up. Even if the Pope came over to bless me and woke me up I would throw something at his face. I am not happy in the morning either. I have been this way my entire life. So I told my husband to get some balls and man up. Do not use me as an excuse to let the baby sleep with you. It needs to stop or I will never have the bed to myself again.

I picked up the teenager today, it is my weekend and he started in the car with some crap his father told him. I really do try not to react, but the attitude and lies are horrifying. My son bless his heart at 15 years old does not know when he is being manipulated, he is Naive for 15 years old. He hates confrontation, he hates arguing, and if you mention the possibility of his father lying to him he looks like he is going to cry. We have been through this before so I just simply say the truth. Maybe when your older you will get it, but your 15 and that is that. I really want to scream and call him a shmuck but that would be bad. I do love my son, I just hate seeing him so Naive. His father will not allow him to take public transit, wont let him have a bank account, tells him what is best for him and why. My son told me he doesn’t want his driving permit yet because his father explained why he should wait. His father also explained to him why there is no need for a checking account or to go to college too. I guess we are different, I just think telling your kids the truth at this age and preparing them for the real world is a good thing, Keeping them in a bubble is not doing them or anyone else any favors.
Who knows maybe I am taking it personally because he has become such a daddy’s boy this year. Maybe I am reflecting on myself and how my parents kept me in the dark about life telling me love and faith will guide you. Blah Blah Blah…

I feel sorry for my son and the horrible reality he will face one day. Maybe he will remember one of our talks about investing your money, going to college, learning about the politics of the world and understanding government. Maybe he won’t maybe he will be just like his father. Stuck in high school doing the same thing with the same people the rest of his life. I really hope he doesn’t get stuck.

Well at least I have another child to mold my own way and maybe screw up without anyone else to blame but me. Hahaha.

So cheers to those parent who think making your kids Naive to the reality of the world. You are a better person than me for telling them that Love and Faith makes anything possible.

Something Positive/Current Day 2011

Toady was productive for the first time in a week…
I am trying to focus on the good today.

I am starting to recover from the flu and my dear friend was kind enough to send over some professional cleaners to clean my house for me.
Do my chores…

If you have boys then you know how messy a house can get without even trying. It was the best gift for being sick EVER!! I know it sounds strange to some. But being home sick with kids and having someone else scrub your toilets, get all the crumbs out of the toaster then vacuumed and everything else, it was magical for me.

I went to the grocery store to day and as I left after I put the baby in the car and turn around to hear a elderly man say “sweetheart I will take the cart”. I of course was relieved to not jut leave it in the parking lot. As the man walked closer to me he said I had the most beautiful Auburn Hair and how it reminded him of his wife when they first met over 70 years ago. He began to tell me the story of how they met. How they watched a flick with John Wane in it for the first time together. How she was a nurse and he was in the Military. He was glowing with the details of his wonderful wife, her beautiful Auburn hair and stories of their youth. He was a proud married man and wanted to share the joys of the multiple lives they have shared together as a couple, parents, grandparent and soon to be great grandparents. I then realized in all my frustration and anger over the last few days I forgot why I am here. This man reminded me. I want to be a grandmother I want to be a mother, I want to be a beautiful women with Auburn hair some old man tells a total stranger about one day. Maybe the details are not what I want right now but I need to remember why I am here. There is more good than bad most days.

The baby is doing great he is learning his baby sign language I have been teaching him and starting to communicate better with us. The teenager is coming back to me tomorrow so we will see what kind of mood he is in. My husband is busy with projects and trying to do what is right by me.

Our tenant in one of the our properties we have rented has decide to stop paying rent or was laid off. The timing is horrible since we are in the middle of remodeling the other property. We might have to let that property go and cut our losses. Sad but life. I would rather do it now than later but who knows what will happen.

Well that’s it in my boring life today I am hoping tomorrow will be more exciting or maybe I will get the courage to finish some old stories of my life.

Current Day/ SICK and tired 2011

I have been sick since we came back from the southern California trip. I finally was given some cash to go to the Doctors and found out I have a bad sinus infection. My husband of coarse is useless and doesn’t understand why I am upset with him because he used all the gas in my car and left me 20 bucks then tells me I am free to do whatever I want. HA!! I could not even go pay for my own prescription at the pharmacy. He still won’t give me access to any money and I am starting to rebel. I feel like a trapped 50s-60s housewife without any of the friends or nanny.

Do to my tragic past he has once again become an abuser holding me prisoner in my own home that I am waiting to escape from. I know his insecurities cause him to behave this way. But anyone who knows me knows the rule… If you love something set it free….
I can’t be kept as an inmate in my own home only to dream about escaping. I am sure the fact I am sick is only making things worse but please someone tell him to stop!! Just Stop!! I hate him for doing this to me!!! I can’t live this way and feel so beaten down all the time with nowhere to go.
Look at me I am 15 pounds over weight, I have not completed my education, I can’t even go to school because I can’t make any decisions about my own life. I feel nuts all the time for wanting to try and make things work then only to be disappointed all the time or become tired of trying to make things work. I then explode on him and he tells me I need medication or I am crazy. Like I have no reason to be unhappy because he gives me everything I need. HA!!! He cont even turn me on in bed anymore. I just lay there if I even let him in the same bed with me. I hate sex now and I never hated sex before I used to love sex. Now I dread the nights I have to let him touch me.

But I am sure I will let my anger go and try to make it work. What are my options really anyway. No body wants a 33 year old who is in my position. Heck I don’t want me anymore. It frightens me when I get like this. I feel so hopeless and afraid of myself. I would leave for any other man, but I really don’t trust men. Why should I trade one bad situation for another? My husband legally owns me and makes sure I know it, so why should I put myself in to another’s mans home that could possible hurt me more. I am out of options and made the wrong choice to have a baby and marry him. I know that now, but I have to make the best of it and can’t have regrets.

I just miss ME, I miss how passionate about life I was, how beautiful and hopeful I use to be. All that is gone…

Holidays are over/ Current Day 2010-2011

WOW…
It is another New Year and what does 2011 have in store for me I wonder??

Well the teenager Husband and I went to Sothern California and had an OK time. The teenager was moody towards the end and my husband just annoyed me the last couple days with his controlling bullshit. But it was a good trip and was nice to have something positive to do with the family.

The baby stayed with my parents and was perfectly fine. He always is…
I have very independent children for the most part. The baby needs more attention than the teenager but that is just a difference of personalities.

The JOB my husband worked on in Southern California was for a famous photographer. His wife and family are very kind. We were offered a JOB for the both of us to work on a few projects for them. Maybe this will give me sometime in the adult world.

The baby is becoming more intelligent everyday and I am starting to finally settle into being a stay at home mother full time. It only took a year? I do not adjust easily; I guess you could say I don’t like change… Funny part is I have changed more than anyone I know.

Talked with a few good friends and a few I could live without over the holidays. Seems no one really knew much about me back in my party days or 20s??
WOW, they had no clue of who I am or was, but they still call on occasion to brag or gossip about others from those years. It always fascinates me how people I knew that treated me poorly and then you all grow up and the egotistical bastards become the losers. Hahaha! I know I should not laugh at other misfortunes but really they were assholes and I knew it then just like I know it now. I just was having fun and did not care. I got what I wanted and I guess they did too. The difference is I moved on and they did not.

Well I think I am going to get a new routine going and extra exercise is in order soon. The extra couple pounds need to come off and the baby and I need to get out of the house more. That is all for my goals so far….

As for therapy or anxiety issues, they seem to only occur when the assholes in my life are around. Now maybe I should just get rid of them, my old therapist said biofeedback could help? I think some Ativan is in order for special occasions. Then again if these people had my history and life they might want to take drugs too. I really don’t know the answers and go back in forth in my head all the time regarding what to do depending on whom I talk to and the way I feel.

Oh and I hate teenagers today… But who doesn’t?