It has been a rough year of many losses in my life.
I lost a husband or was beaten down to the point I had to let him go.
I lost a dear family member my wonderful 22 year old cousin. He left in three months from aggressive brain cancer.
I am loosing my older son, he is 16 years old soon and pulling away like they do at this age.
I am loosing a dear friend who has been apart of my life for over 4 years because of her choices to pursue a relationship with another women while married with kids.
I lost a family I wanted to much to have apart of my life.
I know pain better than anyone I know. I know how pain pulls me down.
I just want to know now how much loss and pain can one person take in a life time?
I am 34 years old and still waiting to finish college, waiting for my life to begin, waiting to stop hurting.
How much do I need to take before I finally end it all and wish to die. I try and tell myself I just need a few more years, one more chance to do it right. Reality is I have used all me chances up. The daily beating or verbal abuse from my exes is unbearable. I never get a break, just a moment to breathe without being pulled.
I feel so dead inside most the time it is like walking outside myself and wondering when I will be pinched so I can feel again. I would love to feel something again.
So I ask again how much can a person take without completely giving up?
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
On my own/ Current Day 2011
For all the things I have done wrong, at least I have done two things right. Being a mother is a gift that I treasure everyday. Being a mother is true love, being mother is my strength, being a mother is blind faith; it is my joy, my worry. My children are the best parts of me, all that is great and all that is pure I give to them unconditionally. If I never do anything else in my life I will feel completely whole in knowing I am a wonderful mother madly in love with these two boys everyday.
That being said, I live for my children and parts of me die every time knowing they have to grow up in a split parent home. I tried talking to my soon to be ex-husband again. I told him I am so sad for the kids and hope they will be okay. All he could do is blame me for everything and tell me about all the horrible things I did and am doing. He kept asking me what I want, I could only reply I want you to be someone else. It finally came down to me telling him he did this and he fucked up which he did not like of course because he can’t see any fault in what he has done.
I guess a part of me really wants him to just say I am sorry, just day something that will tell me he regrets what he has done. That he shouldn’t of threatened me, shouldn’t tell me he will hit me or I have no right to my sons life. Something… But all he can do is tell me what I did wrong and how he hates everything. I am sooo sad for the situation and can’t stop hurting. I am scared, I am in so much pain for my kids and what they have to face. The fact their life will now become a schedule of visitation to one parent or another. I know this life I did it with my first son and waited 14 years to even try again. It has failed and now I wish I could fix it for them but can’t.
As for my other friends, they are slowly fading away. One good friend has decided she wants to be lesbian, while she is married with two kids and is pulling away from me because I can’t give her what she wants. I guess it rains when is pours. However I can’t live or be someone I am not. I am not a crazy person who will be made to feel guilty for not loving someone, male or female.
I have nothing left to give right now and just try and hope I can again pull through this and make it on my own.
That being said, I live for my children and parts of me die every time knowing they have to grow up in a split parent home. I tried talking to my soon to be ex-husband again. I told him I am so sad for the kids and hope they will be okay. All he could do is blame me for everything and tell me about all the horrible things I did and am doing. He kept asking me what I want, I could only reply I want you to be someone else. It finally came down to me telling him he did this and he fucked up which he did not like of course because he can’t see any fault in what he has done.
I guess a part of me really wants him to just say I am sorry, just day something that will tell me he regrets what he has done. That he shouldn’t of threatened me, shouldn’t tell me he will hit me or I have no right to my sons life. Something… But all he can do is tell me what I did wrong and how he hates everything. I am sooo sad for the situation and can’t stop hurting. I am scared, I am in so much pain for my kids and what they have to face. The fact their life will now become a schedule of visitation to one parent or another. I know this life I did it with my first son and waited 14 years to even try again. It has failed and now I wish I could fix it for them but can’t.
As for my other friends, they are slowly fading away. One good friend has decided she wants to be lesbian, while she is married with two kids and is pulling away from me because I can’t give her what she wants. I guess it rains when is pours. However I can’t live or be someone I am not. I am not a crazy person who will be made to feel guilty for not loving someone, male or female.
I have nothing left to give right now and just try and hope I can again pull through this and make it on my own.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
No body wins.../ Current Day 2011
Today was a hard day
My baby is having a difficult time with the transitions of going back
and forth between his father and me. He is crying and clinging to us.
My heart is breaking for him.
I wish there was another way, I wish things were different.
I can’t go back I can’t go back to the abuse.
I would like to fantasize about things working out better but I know
in my heart it will never.
It is the children who suffer the most and I will never be able to
look another man in the face and say I love you again. This is too
much to watch your children suffer from the mistakes made by their
parents. No parent should have to watch them cry form this mess of a
life that his father created by being so abusive to me.
A friend told me it will pass and things will be alright in long run.
I don’t want my child to suffer now but I don’t want them growing up
watching their mother be abused.
I don’t think anyone wins in a divorce
My baby is having a difficult time with the transitions of going back
and forth between his father and me. He is crying and clinging to us.
My heart is breaking for him.
I wish there was another way, I wish things were different.
I can’t go back I can’t go back to the abuse.
I would like to fantasize about things working out better but I know
in my heart it will never.
It is the children who suffer the most and I will never be able to
look another man in the face and say I love you again. This is too
much to watch your children suffer from the mistakes made by their
parents. No parent should have to watch them cry form this mess of a
life that his father created by being so abusive to me.
A friend told me it will pass and things will be alright in long run.
I don’t want my child to suffer now but I don’t want them growing up
watching their mother be abused.
I don’t think anyone wins in a divorce
So much is good and the rest is gone...
So it is done I guess, the judge granted a five year restraining order for my husband. He stood there in court and not only lied under oath, but was caught lying then continued to try and place blame on me.
Why do I feel so sad, I am crying a lot, grieving my losses? I really wanted a family, to be married, to have a home.
It just keeps getting worse even though things are better at home now it is worse in a way. My parents told my older son’s father what is going on, so now he is doing everything he can to hurt me with the information.
I didn’t want this, this life of a single mother and so much. I just thought I could be happy and deal with the abuse maybe it would change I thought for so long. But my husband will never change and he is gone, my life has changed for the better. SO why am I crying.
My good friend told me I am sad from the loss, I believe I did the right thing. I don’t want my children growing up with someone abusing me in front of them all the time. But now they are growing up without the consistency of having two parents in the home that love them. It is a horrible thing to have this situation forced upon my kids. I know I am sad for them.
Why do I feel so sad, I am crying a lot, grieving my losses? I really wanted a family, to be married, to have a home.
It just keeps getting worse even though things are better at home now it is worse in a way. My parents told my older son’s father what is going on, so now he is doing everything he can to hurt me with the information.
I didn’t want this, this life of a single mother and so much. I just thought I could be happy and deal with the abuse maybe it would change I thought for so long. But my husband will never change and he is gone, my life has changed for the better. SO why am I crying.
My good friend told me I am sad from the loss, I believe I did the right thing. I don’t want my children growing up with someone abusing me in front of them all the time. But now they are growing up without the consistency of having two parents in the home that love them. It is a horrible thing to have this situation forced upon my kids. I know I am sad for them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)