Cathing up...

Hooray for Rain!! :)

Too much time has past since I wrote and let me tell you so much has happened.
I filed for a change of custody on my 14 year old son.
I am 32 weeks pregnant and counting down the days.
I am sick with a bad flu
My 1st sons father thinks he is GOD, I keep telling him GOD has a bigger penis… I know BAD but funny.
My husband is getting nicer and nicer everyday and I am a little suspicious. Hhmmmm?
Every time I leave the house in a car and I am driving I get a parking ticket, traffic ticket and just today lightly hit someone. Nothing big a little bumper rub…

I feel out of control, excited, sad, stressed and a lot of anxiety. But I seem to function this way.

I just want to go back to work, which no one really understands. They are always telling me why do you want to work if you don’t have to? Here is it plain and simple.

I like having my own money to do with as I please. I like taking my boys to the theater or symphony, or a expensive museum then dinner. I Like a date where we talk about our dreams and tell each other al lour secrets. I like to pay, That is what mom gets to do with her boys. That is why my 1st son still tells me everything at 14 year old. I don’t care if I ever make it rich or become a huge success. I want something regular; normal that will give me enough money to do whatever I want with my boys. Yes my husband is a great provider, yes he would give me the world and more. But there is something to be said for earning it yourself and answering to no body about how you choose to spend it. For the first time in my life I could do that, because prior to meeting my husband I worked to survive, went to college and took care of my first son alone. No extras, not nothing, just that. Well maybe?? I also fond a way for the theater and dinners or the good books. I felt if I was going to be broke all the time then at least we could visit the good life by being cultured individuals with some of the finer things. It has proven to be a great experience and great investment in my relationship with my son.

So cheers to going back to work!

current times and regular days

Life has gotten back to dull and boring again. I am still pregers, still at home and still waiting to find a job. It is funny how the one thing I prayed for, for two years straight is the last thing still pending. I used to go to Grace Cathedral in San Francisco almost everyday praying for a normal long term everyday JOB. I have been given many things over the last two years and none have them have been a JOB. Now don’t get me wrong having a child, getting married, all the other things are wonderful. But it is ironic that the song is somehow right once again and you can’t always get what you want, but you always get what you need. I just like having my own money my own paycheck, my own ability to provide for myself and work hard.

Instead of continuing the never-ending battle of employment and the same circle of searching I have tried a new approach. Volunteer work for the city of San Francisco. I advise small business owners and the city employees on how to deal with tenant commercial lease disputes and renewals. It seems as though the city small business owners are under crisis with dealing or understanding their lease obligations. Unlike the residential community who have a tenant union or the DRE to contact. The commercial tenants have little to zero resources when it comes to finding help with negotiating their leases. Well at least free help, if you can afford an attorney you will be fine, due to the fact commercial real estate tends to follow contract law.

Well at least I have school and the law library to keep me occupied. I am becoming more obsessive and panicky in my final months of pregnancy. I hope it goes away with the enormous amount of weight I have gained. Until then I will laugh when thinking about employment in the future and start praying for anything but a JOB from now on….

MY Number One SON

Everyone keeps telling me to let it go to leave it alone, or except was has past and move on.

Tell me how do you let go of loosing a child, of loosing years for no reason that you will never get back. Maybe my son did’nt die but it is like he did. His father never loved him he left me pregnant and alone, beaten at times and just look what he wanted. So how did I end up loosing the only thing I ever loved.

Well I asked 10 attorneys 4 therapist and random court employees anyone. Not one of them can tell me other than his father is a bad man with money, power and I was a victim.

No one can tell me why no one can tell me what went wrong or that I did something wrong. They all just say sorry but now you have to except the situation. I have to except I don’t get to be there everyday, I don’t get to see my son grow up. I don’t get to pick him up form school, make him breakfast, do homework with him or hear about his day everyday. I get weekends and have to do what I am told. Why because someone made a mistake and no one works for free.

I just want to pick him up from school, take him to practice, anything more.

You think I would have the right to live without being harassed and yelled at, form being constantly verbally abused by his father. Nope! Welcome to the real world where money comes before the welfare of a child. Where power comes before right and wrong. Even what my son wants is not considered.

I still say I will never understand what really happened. The only thing I know is he who has the most money wins! If you are a parent or not I am sure you will understand the devastation I felt and feel everyday. My heart left my body that day and I died physically, emotionally in every way and did not want to live anymore.

I am tired of living this way with this knot inside me, just waiting for him to come home.


SON

Hey you, come along and hear me
Hey you, I never thought this would be happening
Something’s were never meant to be
Loosening you was one of those things
Hey you, don’t worry
There is something better waiting for you and me
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me
Hey you, wishes do come true
Hey you, dreams can speak to you
Angels say no one can take me from you
Because god gave me to you so he must be in love with you too.
Something inside me is breaking for you
Something inside me is changing for you
Hey you, don’t cry everything will be alright
Hey you, listen to me I will never leave
Something’s can’t be taken away so easily
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me

Pregnancy Land

So….

Today has at least been productive, I am not sure how I functioned when I was working. I have a full time list and job at home, WOW! It is amazing how productive and stressed out this generation is, no wonder we have energy drinks an coffee places everywhere…

I would like to explain what pregnant women should not be allowed to do…
Yes I am almost 7 months along and doing great but let me tell you I should be considered disabled or mentally challenge by the state at this point.

#1 – Pregnant women should not be allowed to ever change there hair color with out consulting at least two friends and one hairdresser. They should not be allowed to get the bright idea that they are more than capable of Coloring their own Hair.. Nuff said, it has taken me 5 months to get the color normal again and my hairdresser may fire me if I ever do it again.

#2 - Pregnant women should not be allowed to wax anything. Think cutting back on your visits to the esthetician will help save money for the baby. NOPE Not a good idea ever and who the HELL is writing the positive reviews for the home Brazilian was kit?? You are insane…
My kitty hurt for two weeks

#3 Pregnant women should never go to the DMV, or any State and City offices, this should never be done by a hormonal pregnant women. Please trust me the issues out number any positive outcome. Get a friend or pay someone to do it for you.

I could continue and I am sure I will remember later other really emotional stunts I have pulled while being pregnant, however I can’t remember SHIT thanks to my temporary condition. Well I am sure someone has been forgotten so I must go.

Please head my warning, don’t let me drive, speak to adults, and someone help my husband he might be joining a support group soon or checking into a mental ward just o get away.

Why "In Search of Isabelle"

Here I am again staring back at you again
For all I have seen I wish none of it was true
Seems I am surviving time in a life that was never mine
That’s how I thought I would die
Till I could find where I lost you
Dear Isabelle thought I knew you well
Then you disappeared and I don’t know where you fell
Got to count on something
If only I knew what to believe
In search of Isabelle is what happened to me?
As a child she was stripped of her skin
Only to be sold to men
Now her nightmares make her bleed
She just wants to be set free
Please send her back to me so I can pick her up again Dear Isabelle
Now she’s got a gun and will use it just for fun
Yet they turn their cheek to look and never see
Causing pain creating the hate that comes so easily
Isabelle please come back and forgive me for not listening
Tear down these walls that don’t’ bring comfort at all
They blind you from reality
Dear Isabelle thought I knew you well
Then you disappeared and I don’t know where you fell
Got to count on something
If only I knew what to believe
In search of Isabelle is what happened to me?

Another day trying

Well I thought I should let you know I really tried. But my relationship I think is over….
I think and I am really ok with that. It is easier this way, that’s what I tell myself at least. I thought trying to change and open up maybe trust people. I was wrong I don’t need anyone but myself, never have, never will.

I still believe you can’t trust anyone you can’t just do anything for anyone or put yourself out there it is tooo dangers.

I had my chances, I used them and now there is no going back, too much has happened to much has gone wrong and too much leads to tooo much damage to be undone. You can fix something that is dented, scratched, fractured, or torn, you cannot fix something that has been shattered into millions of pieces.

I may be crying but soon I will all go numb and nothing will matter.

My therapist said I need to live my life not just look in on it, I need to participate. Well I did and all it got me was hurt once again. How do you participate when you are constantly standing on the edge waiting to fall. You can’t breathe because there is no room to breathe, think feel, or move. The weight has you smashed onto this edge and a feather will push you over.

Everyone keeps telling me I over react, maybe in his or her world I do, but from where I stand a drop of sand is a mountain.

Moving forward…. Here I go

Maybe tomorrow I can get back to me