Douchebags, men, and God

Hey Isabelle,

I know I haven't written in months and honestly you would NOT want to know.  It is never boring and always crazy in my world.  It is a wonder I get out of bed.

I had a random thought or have been been faced with the question of what I want in life, what is out there for me and do I believe in god still.

They are all great questions, but I have never been one to consider my own desires or been allowed the luxury of having the time to consider what I want. 

I may not be seen that way by the outside world because I have been called selfish so many times in my life, I stopped counting.  People see what I want them to and I don’t bother to correct them, nor do I care what they think that of me.  I know it is not true.  I also know I should care about what some of them see or think but really??  I  have zero respect for most adults or actually care about them in general.   They are disgusting useless human beings for the most part, really how does anyone take them seriously?  Maybe after everything I have been through my general lack of respect is what radiates from me and is misinterpreted more commonly than NOT.  People think I am a spoiled brat joking around and never taking it seriously like I always have in life.  BLAH BLAH BLAH 

Reality is my life has been hard, and I keep to myself, never allowing anyone to know me truly and keeping them all away from knowing me by joking around, using sarcasm, or being the version of me they see and know.  I cant say I have had a real conversation with another adult on an intimate level in years.  Really, what is the point?  SO they can look at me in shock or feel bad for me because I have been beaten and assaulted so many times I am numb to it all.  I have nothing to say to people I don’t respect and don’t think they have the gumption to be strong enough, or truly appreciate life the way I do.  I do appreciate my life the world around me the gift of nature, my kids, being able to see the leaves on the trees, live in a home unharmed, and know the sun will rise tomorrow.   However, I have been through 8 life times of pain and suffering.  I don’t think I am up there with third world county suffering in a country that treats women like cattle or anything.  I have suffered in other ways and thank goodness I learned to shove it deep down and forget so I can move forward.

Nothing shocks me anymore, the abuse, the world of sex trafficking, and drug dealers, and evil of men.  I just nod and say yep that’s how they are and will always be…. 

Then there is the whole GOD thing, and honestly I believe in higher power I am just not sure I can do the whole God thing again or really believe.  In all do respect to his followers, lets face it the reality for someone like me believing that there is a MAN in heaven or magical place of peace and tranquility calling the shots and watching over me is borderline insane.  Why would he be a MAN and why would he be so cruel as to sit back with his bowl of popcorn and watch all the horrible years of shit I have suffered through and think in anyway it was okay.  I really want to believe, but really if there is some man watching me go through this and doing nothing than he is as big of a douchbag as all the other men in this world I have ZERO respect for at this point of my life.  Because I have never once met a man that is as strong or resilient as I am, I have never met a man who has gone to the lengths I have for my children and put everything aside to ensure they are happy.  MEN are selfish, egotistical, and useless.  I didn’t always think of men this way, but the world has proven otherwise.  The world showed me that all men, even the ones that are kind and good fathers, or honest and considered “good men” turn into idiots when they enter my world.  They become babbling douchbags. 

Now people are asking me to believe some MAN or man like being is in heaven and actually cares about me?  I have never met one, and don’t believe anyone I ever met really loved me.  They never knew me.

I look back, and lately more often, and realize my relationships are NOT successful because I am treated like an object, I don’t let people in, I don’t trust anyone, I don’t love.  Well maybe a few of them I loved but really in the end they left me too, when it got difficult.  AND IT ALWAYS GETS DIFFICULT WITH ME

I do it on purpose, unconsciously, I push people to their limit so they leave me, or at least are tested to the point of breaking.  I don’t think they realize everything I do and say is because I am waiting to see their reaction, how they respond, I already know the answer and what they will do, but I guess a little hope remains that maybe they will surprise me and NOT be completely predictable.  That is really what happens to me, I get bored, it is all the same.  They are all the same.

So if god is a man, it is boring, and he cant be trusted. Sure has this higher power shown up to give me faith and keep me going in difficult times.  YES  Has this higher power protected me or made me feel better at times.  YES  But…  I am not convinced there is a god, because that means to me there is a MAN letting us all down again and I have enough of those in my life.  

Well enjoy this cynical crap today Isabelle it will all change tomorrow.  Another man will try and use a women for something, another man will let a women down, another man will forget to put their children first, and another man will tell me I just haven't met the right one...

Bullshit!  Because I will never respect men, and they could never survive or do anything I have done in my life.  I survived the evil of Men, and not once did I think of my own needs or desires, I did it while I raised little humans and still got up everyday so they could disappointment me and them again.

Love you Isabelle, I hope we see each other again someday.