MOM my greatest success!

Hey Isabelle,

I am having a cocktail and enjoying my afternoon so no judging...
I also sent todays post to friends, so fingers crossed I am not disowned by the normal people today for  my crazy blog!  OMG, like anyone would ready this....

So this week has been a week of wins... After months of heath ache...

And with that said I will be able take the time off to be home for the next two years, Or more.  

The looks and comments I'm getting from SOME other women about doing nothing but taking care of my children or family are shocking and expected at the same time.  We expect women to succeed at home and work. How could anyone just choose one? Being a  Super Mom is what we must do to be seen as equals.

I figured someone would at least understand how disappointing it is in our society to see that our priorities are more often NOT on our kids. Rather with our success In the public eye. I should not be scoffed at for my decision and sacrifice, but.....

Either way I am secure in my decision. I'm looking forward to reinventing myself and being with the children and my family, volunteering time to my working moms and church, etc. This is what gives me joy, and the opportunity to change my life and do whatever is needed to help my children develop or find who they are becoming and need to be.

It also makes me realize how thankful I am every day that I had the  mother I did growing up. Good and bad, Mormon conservative, with opposite personality and views. I love her more everyday.

All my love, to you my mom, for all the sacrifices you made.  I'm sorry it doesn't cover my mistakes. But maybe being as good as a mother she was to me will be my greatest success!

Love ya girl, talk to you soon Isabelle.

MAUGH

Week of Miracles

Dera Isabelle,

It has been a week of Miracles….

First my little girls EEG came back clear and normal, like nothing has ever happened.  I have been glowing from excitement.  That is after I cried out loud from the relief of seeing finally normal brain activity and sleep cycles on my little girl.  My partner/baby daddy does not get it and was puzzled of why I would be crying from joy or relief.  Maybe,  because I haven’t cried once during this process.  I sucked it up and kept it in for two months and then finally broke from the first sign that everything would be okay, possibly?  He has also been very attentive, maybe because I have been beating him up a little over his attitude and leaving me with everything.  Which I do not mind…  However I do mind when you have me take on all the doctors, and duties with our newborn who has a ton of appointments and do not cut me some slack when I am tired after a C-Section and everything. 

Moving on…

I am trying to do research on certification classes and stuff for Yoga, Pilates, Barre, and many other group exercise classes and when I call or email people it seems everyone including major Gyms like Equinox do not want to talk about it or play dumb like they have no idea what I am talking about.  Which I find interesting since all the jobs require certifications in the postings but no one knows which one is preferred?  HMMMMM…..  Equinox said to me they do not require anything and just hire people they like or classes they like.  I guess I would expect more with a $200. Price tag on a monthly gym member for some of these places.

My previous employer, and I have settled and I am moving on to the happy world of unemployment for the next few years while I purge and re-invent myself.

Hooray for the purging, and I am starting with all pregnancy clothes and professional clothes.  Strange thing is I get the feeling she will never let it go, she is having people stalk me on LinkedIn and Facebook so I am deleting accounts, etc.  Sucks, but some people just always need a scapegoat or somewhere to focus their negative emotion.  Like I always say if the same thing keeps happening to you then you might be the issue.  But, I am getting out of the field I am in for sure!  I am D.O.N.E.  done.

Today I am doing well with my diet and still having issues exercising regularly for a few reasons.  First, I am in pain if I do too much from surgery, second, they are still doing construction on my gym area in the house.  This sucks, it has been 6 months and I am tired of the delays but I guess there is nothing to do since I am not paying for it right?

SO over all good week for now… Talk to you soon Issabelle

What’s the plan Isabelle

Dear Isabelle,

This last week I was alone with two kids and dogs while daddy went to Las Vegas for work.   Wow, thank goodness for my older son, because not only did the 4 year old assert his man hood and challenge me every step of the way, but…  The dog injured himself again. So along with multiple doctor appointments for baby girl and myself, job interviews for the 18 year old and everything else made it a overwhelming week. 

To say the least….

So I decided to stop breast-feeding and hate having to stop!!  I love the connection with the baby.   I just cant figure out how with all these appointments for neurology or physical therapy and size I cup breasts that can suffocate a small baby, how the heck to do it all.  I am mentally sinking and emotionally disconnecting. 

Hello Postpartum! Those who think it is not real come talk to me.

My Doctors are putting me on disability for six months and I will find out what direction the lawsuit with my employer will take in a week.  SO hold on tight girl, this is going to be a ride.  I need to find my happy place and get on train. But I think this time I will need a little help from a friend, so I made an appointment with a Psychologist/Psychiatrist for medication management.    I give in….

My positive energy needs to come back, I need to find it or need help til I can manage it myself again.  I think it is time to also start logging my fitness goals and making a plan.  Plans help!

So today I weigh 193, height  5FT 5Inch Diet 900-1200 cal per day and I have 45-50 pounds to loose to start with…   Mental state of mind, NOT motivated, depressed, and sad about my baby.  I don’t want to die but I physically cannot do the ideas in my head right now.

I have never been a skinny girl with double Ds just on the curvy side but I think since my health is more important than anything right now (mental and physical) I should start logging away.

What’s the plan Isabelle?

TIME OUT WORLD!

SO the baby came and my life ended too…  The unimaginable happened.  An emergency C-Section with major complications.  Then right when you think it is finally over and my baby girl is in my arms she has seizures and is ripped away to the NICU for a month.   Me being me, ran out of bed almost tearing open stitches and sat everyday with her in the NICU until they kicked me out.

Long story short it is a horrible place, (the NICU) my little girl has had some trauma to her brain and no one can tell me exactly what happened.  Not one neurologist, neonatal specialist no one.  They treated her she is home doing well but no body knows what really happened??

Well like I always say and as we know… the attorneys will figure it out.

So here I am home with my beautiful girl, derailed from all expectations and goals, my body and mind stressed and she is perfect.  Yup, perfect.  She is smiling at me talking, and strong.  Perfect!

You definitely figure out who your friends are in that kind of crisis…  My 18 year old son came through and took over at home with the 4 year old.  The church I belong to dropped off food and checked in.  But I checked out with my partner (baby daddy) for about a month.  My mother even came through and was there almost everyday.

When crisis hits it is an opportunity to fail or gain strength and everyone showed up who needed too.  It has strengthen my failing relationships with my mother and partner.   IT has put a ton in prospective including my own need to reduce stress in my life and pay attention to my mental health.  Gosh, I am on edge these days.

I am not going back to work, but I must find something to do, because the kdis do grow up one day…  It is time for  a huge change.  I do not think corporate will ever work for me and if I do not reduce my stress it will reduce me.

ON TO A NEW CHAPTER FOR MY LIFE….

So what to do, do I write about it do I get up and dance, to I just start over and give up, give in…  I think first I will love this little girl with her dark Auburn hair and blue eyes until she cant stand it anymore.  TIME OUT WORLD!