Hello Isabelle,
I am glad you
have been visiting more. It has been
nice to see you around again. So I fell
in lust for a moment with a boy, he was hot, and kind. As usual it went badly, and I fucked up, he
fucked up and so on…. Boy can I pick them.
Ten years younger and very different non-conformist, three kids with
three different women and has his own damage of course. But ….
He made me feel again, and that was terrifying and wonderful. It was nice to visit my emotions or reconnect
with the fact I still have the ability to connect with another adult. Unfortunately, I just don’t do well in
relationships, and easy come easy go, I am a CUNT. My usual defenses went up and I did what I
always do I played superwomen and took over everything thinking I could just make everyone happy so they wont do anything for me and then I wont get
attached. It is the same thing I always
do, give, they take, and then I get upset when I don’t get what I need. Oh, and of course I wanted sex too much. That’s me ?
Actually in reality he was right about a few things. I do not stop long enough to notice others
needs, I am so overwhelmed these days with the life I have it is like I need a
2x4 to the face to notice anything.
Mom of two – Check
Multiple Jobs while the kids are home – Check
Court issues in two no three different courts – check
Volunteer work – Check
Starting Masters Program – Check
Trying to take my classes for the Insurance broker license – Check
Normal Stresses of being a single mom alone – Check
Stupid People – Check
Kids Schedules – Check
And it goes on and on…. I really
am surprised I haven’t killed anyone yet.
My kids father is still in denial that he ever did anything wrong and
apparently likes paying for multiple attorneys.
SO he fights and fights, and causes so many issues. Everyday it is
something new with him, he just doesn’t think the rules apply to him.
SO this young man, he was the opposite of everything I have ever
known. Which is probably why I tried so
hard, and I really did try in my way.
But I am too broken….
It was a nice experiment in understanding what a danger I am to the population. LOL right!
I fucked up, and fell into the same patterns, and I am not sure how to
change anymore. But I do know how to
medicate and shut down and focus on my shit for a while. SO that looks like a great option right
now.
My six year old beats me down regularly, and I have had to withdrawal
from being his mother again to avoid being hurt physically. The court doesn’t believe anything I tell
them and instead has put me under a microscope because our system blames the
mothers for being abused and harms them over time. Our system is soo broken that I can’t even
begin to make sense of it all anymore.
Well, Isabelle, as usual, I enjoy our talks and your visits, I could use you right now, but instead I will make an appointment for some good medication. They wont be able to accuse me of being too horny, or too emotional, or anything because I will be numb. WOO HOO Prescription drugs lets go…..
