Baking for strangers 2012

Today I have been doing homework, baking; cooking soup, laundry, and my wonderful son is dancing with me throughout the day.  We will be taking baked treats to a restaurant owner I met downtown later today.  I find doing random things like baking for people help me feel better and keep my energy going.  It is really kind of selfish of me; I am using total strangers to fulfill my need to cook for a big family.   The bonus is I am really good at it, I can cook or bake anything.

Laugh all you want it helps me not feel lonely sometimes.  I usually don’t feel lonely but since I grew up with so many people around me and now don’t have even one person in the town I live in, that I can call a true friend, it gets a little lonely.  I talk to the dog and my son but you know how that goes.

I think sometimes it stems from my trust issues.  The idea of relying on another person for anything terrifies me.  I know now that fact had a lot to due with my marriage failing.  Not to mention the various other relationships that have failed in my life.

I am laughing while I am writing this, because I think it is beyond hilarious that I need to mentally prepare myself for things now.  I think it is fascinating that I am putting it on paper and saying it out loud.  Gosh I have issues, but it is fun to see how I deal with them now.

Call it OCD, call it whatever you want, I have a routine and that is where I am at right now.  I have no desire to have another man in my bed EVER.  I have no desire to be married.  But yet I need people, and in my own way, like baking for a stranger down the street makes me feel like I have people today.  Don’t misunderstand I don’t consider him family or friend, just some one I might have connected with for a moment.  That is the best I can do today.

My little guy is awesome as usual; he dances and helps me with housework while we are safe in our own little world.  He is my world and the only place I ever need to visit.  But then there is the email calling and the work, or school, begging to be finished.  I think when naptime comes I will finish it all then. 

School is great too, I am still getting a 3.90 cumulative GPA I am very serious about my grades.

Medically I am having issues again, I have gained 25lbs in two months.  I have been  eating less and running more in the last 6 months, so a weight gain is strange .  My doctors just keep checking my thyroid, I keep asking for a endocrinologist.  I believe my hormones are the issue.  I made the mistake of trying Depo Shots for 6 months and quit a while ago when I started getting sick from them.  I am now months later still having issues with a regular period and since I am running 5-10 miles a day only eating 1000-1200 calories per day, it makes perfect sense that I should gain 25 lbs right?  (sarcasm)

I am done with the doctor I am seeing if he doesn’t listen to me and check my hormone levels or refer me to an endocrinologist.  I am also seeing a plastic surgeon next week for a consult.  Either by medication or knife the weight is coming off, because 175 and 5ft 4 while still fitting into a size 6/8 dress is not only bazaar but uncomfortable.  Especially after all the work I have done getting in shape.  I will not spend another second letting this one go, I refuse to be uncomfortable, I have enough on my plate.