Love my babies and my joy!

Well the holidays have come and gone again amd there is nothing better than your family in their PJs together.  The kids were happy, everyone being nice because it’s a holiday…  It is another magical world where peace exist once a year.   Even my Granny was happy and not in pain from her back for a few hours.

This year I spent too much money and even bought a special gift for just my boys that I am now playing every night while they are in bed.  If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend an XBOX One.  This generation of video games are simply amazing.  I think I might loose some sleep this next month.

I have also been driving every weekend to make make sure the kids see there grandparents who are 3.5 hours away each way.  Up and back, up and Back, up and back….  But that is what you do right?  They are getting older and need to see their grandkids.

Seems simply nice to be home, and not worry about the immediate day filled with school, work, and everything else.  It is like a mini break from reality…  Oh, but its over, really over.

Someone asked me today, what did your boys get you for gifts?  I wasn’t sure how to respond, I did not even realize after all the gifts I wrapped for the kids, from the kids to their dad, or brother, or grandparent, that I did not get anything for myself.  I don’t think of the holidays or my life is about me, it is about them and I accepted that a long time ago.  I actually asked them not to get me anything.  They are boys, they need to not try to shop for me. 

So I went out and bought myself some new running shoes .  Aside from that , the man I live with and have two kids forgot what I am allergic to, and had one kids pick out a necklace I cannot wear, (metal allergies) and a pair of workout pants that I had to return.  I said, thank you for the necklace, to my five year old.  I did have words with their father and was appalled that he cant even remember, figure out or ask anyone I know to find out that I have a metal allergy he has been told about, to most metals aside from gold.    I honestly specifically told him not to buy me anything for this very reason.  Not because I am ungrateful for the effort, but I knew I would be more annoyed with the reminder that he knows nothing about me and is a complete narcissist.

The rest of the two weeks we were all home, after the man I live was gone to Canada to have hair transplant surgery for a week.  Because that is more important than college funds for the kids, a trust and will set up,  or working out and being healthy.  RIGHT?  Any who….  I spent the last few weeks cooking and baking for his family as they cycled through our house and making sure everyone had what they needed.

I thought for a min that maybe he was getting better when he actually hung the blinds I asked for in the kids room and went with me and the kids to the church new years party for a few hours.  But no, I found out the next day he wanted something and threw it in my face so he could manipulate and use the fact he did something for me to get what he wanted.  He wants to leave for a few days to go drink and play Dungeons and Dragons with the other 45 year old nerds.  I said nothing of course while I tried not to die a little inside for being so stupid to hope he would do anything just because it made me happy or because it is the right thing to do.  It is the right thing to be with your family and support them at events.   He didn’t even go to his kids baptisms why would I think for one minute this would be different.  I am an idiot, no body changes. 

MY life is like my new favorite song by JAMES VINCENT MCMORROW, “We Don’t Eat”  See below.

In the meant time, I am learning to say nothing.  He tries to get me to say something about him leaving for a friends, I say go have fun and somehow that turns into him not going because I wont let him and now the rest of my life is spent hiding form his wrath and bullshit.  I just laughed after a while and said “why would I care if you leave, I am not going to miss the snoring, the drinking or having someone talk about themselves obsessively.”  Geez….  I said do what you want and go, but NO that isn’t enough?  He needs permission and me to SAY yes its okay or something.  He has no clue I don’t want to talk to him anymore.  I am just disappointed daily with the fact he has never bothered to truly get to know me or understand the importance of putting family first.

SO on with my night, I shed my tear, bitched about it, and now back to the joyous part my beautiful kids, my projects, workout, and everything I love.  Making Paella and singing, I just need to move on and let him be.

Love my babies and my joy!

Song by JAMES VINCENT MCMORROW, “We Don’t Eat”  See below. Thinking of have some of the lyrics put onto canvas to put in the dinning room.   See if anyone notices… LOL

If this is redemption, why do I bother at all?

There's nothing to mention, and nothing has changed

Still I'd rather be working for something, than praying for the rain

So I wander on, until someone else is saved

I moved to the coast, under a mountain

Swam in the ocean, slept on my own

At dawn I would watch the sun cut ribbons through the bay

I'd remember all the things my mother wrote

That we don't eat until your father's at the table

We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust

Never once has any man I've met been able to love

So if I were you, I'd have a little trust

Two thousand years, I've been in that water

Two thousand years, sunk like a stone

Desperately reaching for nets

That the fishermen have thrown

Trying to find, a little bit of hope

Me, I was holding all of my secrets soft and hid

Pages were folded, then there was nothing at all

So if in the future I might need myself a savior

I'll remember what was written on that wall

That we don't eat until your father's at the table

We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust

Never once has any man I've met been able to love

So if I were you, I'd have a little trust

Am I an honest man and true?

Have I been good to you at all?

Oh I'm so tired of playing these games

We'd just be running down

The same old lines, the same old stories of

Breathless trains and, worn down glories

Houses burning, worlds that turn on their own

So we don't eat until your father's at the table

We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust

Never once has any man I've met been able to love

So if I were you my friend, I'd learn to have just a little bit of trust