And another one bites the dust…..

Hello Isabelle,  

I am glad you have been visiting more.  It has been nice to see you around again.   So I fell in lust for a moment with a boy, he was hot, and kind.  As usual it went badly, and I fucked up, he fucked up and so on…. Boy can I pick them.  Ten years younger and very different non-conformist, three kids with three different women and has his own damage of course.  But ….  He made me feel again, and that was terrifying and wonderful.  It was nice to visit my emotions or reconnect with the fact I still have the ability to connect with another adult.  Unfortunately, I just don’t do well in relationships, and easy come easy go, I am a CUNT.  My usual defenses went up and I did what I always do I played superwomen and took over everything thinking I could just make everyone happy so they wont do anything for me and then I wont get attached.  It is the same thing I always do, give, they take, and then I get upset when I don’t get what I need.  Oh, and of course I wanted sex too much.  That’s me ?  Actually in reality he was right about a few things.  I do not stop long enough to notice others needs, I am so overwhelmed these days with the life I have it is like I need a 2x4 to the face to notice anything.  

Mom of two – Check

Multiple Jobs while the kids are home – Check

Court issues in two no three different courts – check

Volunteer work – Check

Starting Masters Program – Check

Trying to take my classes for the Insurance broker license – Check

Normal Stresses of being a single mom alone – Check

Stupid People – Check

Kids Schedules – Check

And it goes on and on….  I really am surprised I haven’t killed anyone yet.  My kids father is still in denial that he ever did anything wrong and apparently likes paying for multiple attorneys.  SO he fights and fights, and causes so many issues. Everyday it is something new with him, he just doesn’t think the rules apply to him.

SO this young man, he was the opposite of everything I have ever known.  Which is probably why I tried so hard, and I really did try in my way.  But I am too broken….

It was a nice experiment in understanding what a danger I am to the population.  LOL  right!

I fucked up, and fell into the same patterns, and I am not sure how to change anymore.  But I do know how to medicate and shut down and focus on my shit for a while.  SO that looks like a great option right now. 

My six year old beats me down regularly, and I have had to withdrawal from being his mother again to avoid being hurt physically.  The court doesn’t believe anything I tell them and instead has put me under a microscope because our system blames the mothers for being abused and harms them over time.  Our system is soo broken that I can’t even begin to make sense of it all anymore.

Well, Isabelle, as usual, I enjoy our talks and your visits, I could use you right now, but instead I will make an appointment for some good medication.  They wont be able to accuse me of being too horny, or too emotional, or anything because I will be numb.  WOO HOO Prescription drugs lets go…..