Collateral Beauty

Dear Isabelle,

It’s been so long I wouldn't know what to say, the truth is convoluted with pain, my believes are nothing I can even claim.  Darkness is the only thing I can see these days and so it is time once again to surrender to the collateral beauty caused by my unconscious behavior and anger.

I pushed another man away so he could no longer know me.  It is really what is best for him, I don't deserve to feel love or anything.  I lived most of my life without being loved and even though they say “we all deserve the love we are trying to give others” it isnt real.  What is real, is that he was a man that will never know or see me for anything more than a piece of meat.  That is all they will ever see. That is all I will ever be to them.  SO why connect sexually with someone that will eventually hate me, lies and never see the beauty I am or could be.  Why allow myself to feel anything for anyone.  He made me hate him for the happy life he has and will never understand how lucky he is, with his kids and family.  People, regular people like him are not meant for people like me.  There is no value in who I am to them.  Then again that is my gift to men.  I make them feel and give all my energy to them and never get any of it in return.  SO I pushed him away acted crazy and hope he hates me for it and realizes I did him a favor.  He could never have me anyway, never have all me.  No one will because I don't need anything he can give me.

Father tell me we get what we deserve

When all there is left to do is watch it burn

This isnt the time to fall in love with me

In the darkness this is all I can be

Collateral Beauty is all you can see

All use you as a warning sign

Cause when you talk enough sense then you will loose your mind

I found love where it will never be

Right in front of me, so you can talk your sense and never see me

Father tell me we find what we don't need

Always behind me after you used whatever it is you think you see in me

What have I done with my heart on the floor

Must be out of my mind to ask for more

If you were to stay, just for the night

Pretend that I am yours

Then I prove that I am right

All my fears inside are released

So how long must I stay and lay here to die

Because I will never be yours and you don't need to waste your time

Father tell me we find what will never make us whole

Only to loose my soul in what will never be

Shadows settle in the place you left me

In a false reality of what is forever taken from me

Collecting names of lovers that went wrong, that went through me

One day you will see the truth

I am no one you need

Just the pain you thought was love inside of me

SO dear Isabelle I thought I knew you well, but I am still searching for more than the pain inside of me and the self destructive pain I find so easily.