So here I am again as time repeats, and I am left without my feet….

January 24, 2016

  

So here I am again as time repeats, and I am left without my feet…. 

Hey Isabelle, it’s a lonely road again these days and the isolation is getting to my mind.  That man who likes to hit me has been arrested and removed from the home leaving me with two kids and a lot of debt.  Of course he is trying to starve us out of the house and make me give up or go crazy.  I just cant wrap my head around the mental state of someone like this.  Why does anyone want to hurt their kids to hurt their mother, or have such an issue that they cannot separate their anger for the mother from their kids.    Then again…  Sociopath, Narcissistic, violent men/ abusers are a breed in themselves and aren’t they wonderful.  I never met a sociopath I did not love or like.  Have you?  I just pray to the legal gods please see through his shit and save me and my kids from the ongoing grief.  

I need to do more to occupy my mind and keep busy, or at least feel comfortable enough to have sex again.  This whole thing has screwed me up, I actually find myself missing this guy late at night.  I mean really, how text book am I being the brain washed victim.  Geez talk about needing to get over it  soon.  Sure I am sad, I am broken, damaged, whatever, but this whole journey needs a happy eneding for me and my kids.  I cant take anymore.

Wait I take that back, because every time I say that something else happens and I am pushed further over the edge.  I bend never break.  Okay, now that I have that straight. ….

So of course he has called everyone I know and yelled, or manipulated them into believing I make everything up.  He even yelled at my mother saying he would call CPS (Child Protection Services) and file as many reports as needed to make sure the kids were taken from me.  Sicko!

I cant even go to church anymore, teach Sunday school or chat with most the moms at school.  Thanks to him..  But this is what they do, right?  They isolate and blame the victim.  He even admitted in writing to the court that he hit me out of instinct, because that makes it okay?  I am not sure what is going on in the head of his???

First round in court the mediator recommended no contact with me or the kids until the criminal case was finished.  The judge of course told me I had to give him two weeks supervised.  LAME   Why are we helping the abusers in the world continue to use the court system and anyone they can to continue the pattern of control and abuse.  SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN.  NO tolerance, No one should beat their kids mother in front of their kids and get to see day light.  It is not forgivable.

SO I decided to write another business plan for a non-profit called Survivors for change.  They will work with other advocates and non-profits to help fill the gap in society for services for victims of crime or more importantly mother and children like me.  Seriously, I have become a statistic and 75 % of women are forced to return or more likely to be killed after they try and leave the abuser.  It is never just physical, or mental, it always includes financial abuse.  Seems for such a progressive state (California) we are far behind in the reality of day-to-day value of stay-at-home moms. 

I could go on but seem to have more ideas than actual plans these days, I just don’t know how to get these things moving and do everything by myself anymore.  Maybe I am getting older, or just nuts and Nobody is letting me in on the secret.  Just goes to show I don’t really have any friends, not if they are letting me be unrealistic and a dreamer…  Then again I can see the other side to that statement.

Time to start over again, this will be number 10-12, who knows, I lost count and I am not even forty yet.  Lets hope I am still not sitting at home writing about starting over and stuff at forty.  Please admit me to a hospital or something, if I am still doing the same thing.  Something’s gotta give.

Well at least I have my humor right dear friend.  I wish you could see my daughter and little boy they grow and love and live with such laughter.  That is all I want, smiles and laughter for them.  Well, and my legacy to leave behind so they never have the life I do, ever.  At least it is not boring.

Here is the start of the new list to complete.  Something needs to get done here.

·      Survivors for Change – Non-Profit

·      Fitness Hero – For Profit LLC

·      Services/Property Management/ All property services company- C-or S -Corp with LLCs that the Corp Owns.  Maybe incorporate in Denver, check options dependent on number of shareholders and structure.  Need Broker.

·      Finish Book “In Search of Isabelle” -  Find Ghost Writer to format edit and complete, then publish.  Timing is dependent on other goals.  Need to take personal names out.

·      Finish Lawsuit to keep house and sell next year /spring.

·      Spend more time with Adults

·      Get Laid

·      Run more, go places, get out, go crazy

·      Make more money to support the above

Talk to you soon Isabelle.  I wish you were here everyday with me.  Heartache and pain have nothing on us...  Bending as far as I can waiting for you.