On my own/ Current Day 2011

For all the things I have done wrong, at least I have done two things right. Being a mother is a gift that I treasure everyday. Being a mother is true love, being mother is my strength, being a mother is blind faith; it is my joy, my worry. My children are the best parts of me, all that is great and all that is pure I give to them unconditionally. If I never do anything else in my life I will feel completely whole in knowing I am a wonderful mother madly in love with these two boys everyday.

That being said, I live for my children and parts of me die every time knowing they have to grow up in a split parent home. I tried talking to my soon to be ex-husband again. I told him I am so sad for the kids and hope they will be okay. All he could do is blame me for everything and tell me about all the horrible things I did and am doing. He kept asking me what I want, I could only reply I want you to be someone else. It finally came down to me telling him he did this and he fucked up which he did not like of course because he can’t see any fault in what he has done.

I guess a part of me really wants him to just say I am sorry, just day something that will tell me he regrets what he has done. That he shouldn’t of threatened me, shouldn’t tell me he will hit me or I have no right to my sons life. Something… But all he can do is tell me what I did wrong and how he hates everything. I am sooo sad for the situation and can’t stop hurting. I am scared, I am in so much pain for my kids and what they have to face. The fact their life will now become a schedule of visitation to one parent or another. I know this life I did it with my first son and waited 14 years to even try again. It has failed and now I wish I could fix it for them but can’t.

As for my other friends, they are slowly fading away. One good friend has decided she wants to be lesbian, while she is married with two kids and is pulling away from me because I can’t give her what she wants. I guess it rains when is pours. However I can’t live or be someone I am not. I am not a crazy person who will be made to feel guilty for not loving someone, male or female.

I have nothing left to give right now and just try and hope I can again pull through this and make it on my own.