What goes up must come down...

Dear Isabelle,

SO nobody knows what pain life can be at times for another person.  How quickly it all can change.  Five days after feeling great in my pregnancy it all came crashing down on the 30^th when my older son totaled my last physical position in life, my car. 

Since then he has been sentenced to homeschool and me pushing him to find a job to help fix the car.   Honestly I am 36 weeks pregnant and so disappointment in his decisions to not care about the world he lives in I want to give up.  However, being the mother I am something inside me wont let me let it go.   It is uncontrollable my resilience and instinct to push him in the right direction.  Even when I am soo tired with so many other things going on.

He only has 10 credits left to graduate and he will get that diploma and walk with his friends if I have anything to say about it.  SO I continue to push and pry and invade his space to keep him on track because that is what I do as a parent when I see my kids in trouble I take action and push.  Maybe when he is 30 he wont hate me anymore for it???

This entire incident along with the ending of my pregnancy has put enormous strain on my relationship (if that what’s we are calling it ) with the baby daddy.

He is back to threatening me and calling me names to try and get me to obey and not challenge him.   Apparently he is thinking of having me removed form his home if I don’t shape up and called me a freeloading Cunt for Valentines day.  Gosh I am so lucky!

It is amazing what us women do for our kids.  I honestly would never endure his language and entire relationship if I did not have kids.  But he is right, I cannot take care of the household financially without him.  There is nothing I can do about that, I have failed as the bread winner and put all my focus on me boys and soon to be little girl.  But that is what we do as women, we suck it up, smile for the camera because the show must go on and our kids need us more than the working world does right?

I just fear I look like a crazy person some days, because I never share any of my pain anymore, I never cry  or explain my self.  I get up and do volunteer work, school, work, kids to school or whatever is needed of me and then lock the door at night or in the morning to cry quietly alone.  SO when I do break and scream finally cause I am 36 weeks pregnant, hormonal, tired, stretched thin, etc.  People don’t know why or where it is coming from, they just think I am nuts.  LMFAO, I must look nuts going from 0-60 like that…  

SO what do I do?  Not a lot I guess, I am here from my own doing and own mistakes or discussions.  But at least I can be there for my kids and hope they appreciate it one day, hope I can keep up the illusion for  them and they don’t see how much I hurt some days being in this world.  Hope the baby daddy doesn’t have me removed from the house because I wont control my mouth or whatever he doesn’t like today.

Because now that my car is totaled, and I don’t have a job, I really am stuck, and that scares me a lot!

Talk to you later Isabelle, today I miss you my dear!