Just another day.... This is my mind at 2:00am

Hello Isabelle,

In an effort to write more and avoid my insomnia, here I am at 2:00am.   I feel puffy and anxious today.  Not sure why….

I have been making plans for my sons 5^th birthday.  I am always nervous to make sure enough of his friends show up.  Most the time the dads come with the kids and rarely the moms.   We are doing a Star Wars Costume party and yes I am going overboard.  I can’t help myself when it comes to the kids.  Its like the energizer bunny takes over me and I can’t eat or sleep til it’s all perfect.  Plus I can always get their dad to spend a ton of money on Birthday parties, and that is fun if not for any other reason then to prove he has a lot more money then he tells me about…  Soo we will have themed food, themed games and decorations, I am even making a cool space tunnel out of the hall way with lights and theme music.  The entire house will really be decorated like a space station.  I will be in full costume with the kids of course.  I don’t think it is because I have nothing else to do or that I am not working, I just really want them to remember the good and joy of their childhood.  I don’t think any parent goes in with wanting their kids to need therapy, but I really don’t want them to look back and have bad experiences outweigh the good ones.

The holidays are also on the way and we will be doing them all at our house again.  The only difference is that it will probably just be us and Granny.  Not like last year with my cousins.  It is strange how every year my cousins wife gets stranger and stranger.  Maybe it is me and the way women just react to me, or maybe its nothing personal.  Either way no love loss here to her not showing.  Just wish the boys would come by more often.

Well, I am feeling a but strange too socially these days.  I would like to say I pride myself on not giving a fuck what people think, but I actually made an effort this last year to grow up and pay attention to my actions or how people react to me.  I am not sure sometimes with the church folk of what their deal is?  I have my for sure people, the ones who are more like me and just there.  Mostly men….  Then it seems the rest treat me differently, or some like to play pity party on me because my partner never comes to church therefore I must be alone and sad??  Or something??  They are always talking with that tone and “oh dear how are things you okay?”  Little do they know I am severely independent and even though I complain about him here and we have our issues we have plenty of money, and I like my life, A LOT.  I would not want him in my business or with me all the time.    I don’t understand why anyone would want to spend all their time with just one person?  I know people would like to think a good church is kind and welcoming, however you show them any weakness and they hold it against you forever, like your wearing a branding mark on your forehead.  Its like I always say… “GOD save me from your followers.”  I really don’t know why I put any thought into it, its not like their opinion of me effects my life, its just fascinating I guess to see how wrong people can be about a person.  Then again, its not like I ever have really let any of them get to know me?

Speaking of other people, how do you socialize with other women regularly?  I see these ladies I know on Facebook, making plans for coffee, or other stuff regularly and I don’t get it?  How do they just click and do all that stuff.  Is it because they are working moms and older than me?   I have never had that easy breezy clicky group of moms or friends I do coffee with or just randomly get together with regularly some how.  I feel like I am chasing people around to do it and honestly have to force myself to make plans.  I did make plans this week to talk to one gal about a part time at home gig, to help with a little shoe money…  LOL.  Something about being an online coach for health and fitness.   This is more up my alley and easy for me since I enjoy fitness and working out regularly.  I tell women all the time it is about creating opportunities everyday with in my regular schedule to work out and get something in, I don’t need a gym or nanny, just a little effort to run 5 miles to the store or stuff like that.   Maybe it will work out, I definitely need a separate blog just for my work out routines.

Okay well good talk Isabelle, its nice to write my life questions and curiosity down, so I can move on from it and stop being a whinny brat.  I am sure my boys would rather I talk about farts and what’s for dinner rather than who I think my friends are today.  HAHA !  They are such boys.