Current Day 2011

A life with out direction, no meaning no plan. A life without the answer to who I am. I don’t dream or hope for things to change just wait and wonder when I will be safe again.

I don’t fit in and don’t get along; I don’t feel wanted or have anywhere to belong. They say I will be left with nothing but the bruises he leaves behind and that is the only thing I know I can count on to be all mine.

I wish it would end that the words would disappear, I want the hitting to start so I feel something more than I feel here.
What is left to say about a life discarded away.

Nothing, emptiness, hollow, Or numb are my only words today.

I smile and say everything is fine, I smile and agree they are right and I should be left behind. I smile then say whatever you want is okay. That is all I have strength for today.

Maybe I could be a bit depressed, maybe I could be all they say and the rest. I think I just need something to believe, something to have hope in and someone to be.

I try and remember who I used to be, the person I once was, and the laughter the passion the hope I once did see. I try and hold on to the feeling I used to have, like the one time I was kissed by someone that didn’t make me sad. I try and remember maybe one day I can get it right. But for now I don’t want to try.

I have chosen to stay and can’t blame anyone but me. I have chosen to give up and remain here in misery. I have chosen to be with a man who doesn’t care or believe in me. I have chosen to not fight or find a way out and that’s all I can do so why bother to shout.

Everyone sees me as strong or happy, everyone thinks I can do anything I want. Reality is there is nothing I can do right, I try and fail every time.

My life has been a series of bad choices or mistakes that I make the best of and wish one day will change.