Back to Reality

Everyday is the same, I get up, drop the 5 year old off, go home work a little stare at the wall, bay takes nap, baby eats, blah blah, dad comes home, kids go to bed, I watch tv for an hour, then lay in bed wondering when it will end.

I want to feel something again,….  It should real concern people in my house that I never talk or interact.  It doesn’t they never ask me how I am doing, just for food, or clean laundry.  I don’t think they know I sit and wonder what its like to be someone else, or that I am waiting to die.

I worry, sometimes I worry that there is something seriously wrong with me.  Like I have endured so much crap or pain in my life that it has beaten me down beyond repair.    It wouldn’t matter because the boys I live with would never notice anyway.  They don’t care about me.  Then don’t even ask when it is obvious that I have been crying all day.

The medication isn’t working anymore.  The doctors think it is because the last surgery I had and general anesthesia.  Or something….

It is something alright, I am something like numb.  I don’t want to kill myself but if I die, its okay no body will miss me.  The boys don’t even notice that I never speak, pick up the house, or anything anymore.  I hide in my room, I even stopped yelling about the mess and gave up.  They definitely wont notice if I die.

I don’t really talk to anyone anymore, I don’t have friends, I even stopped confiding in Granny. I write on this stupid blog no one will ever read. I think maybe I will finish the book?  No there is not anyone to read it.  Then I think maybe I could get a job outside the house so I could get my own place again.  NO,  I am not hirable, I tried that already.  Then I think maybe the man I live with will die suddenly and I can be free.  No, I’m not that lucky, plus what would I do, I cant take care of the kids without his money.  HHmmmm

There is something wrong with me.  I have never had a real job, I work sporadically, I am smart, a good mom. But…..  Something is wrong with me.  I am okay with dyeing, it sounds good, I don’t think there is much left for me in this world.  Well, my kids, my baby girl, I love her more than any of them.  Stupid boys.  If I am not around she will think the boys are a good example of what men should be and that is just wrong.  SO maybe I can live for her.

But Seriously, I feel nothing, and if I actually have a glimmer of hope to try something happens to remind me I’m different and don’t belong in the world.  OR one of the boys reminds me I am nothing.  The man I live with reminds me all the time, or any time I stand up to him that I am a waste of space.  He says why would anyone ever want you, or tells me how im just a child he allows in his home that can get out and go away.  He actually said he would pay me to go, but we all know he would never willing part with his money. 

So my friend Isabel and I chat and maybe one day she will help me make sense of it all.  However,  please don’t think there is person named Isabelle in my head.  Or I hear voices or something.   I know she is NOT real.  But I like to think she is the person I would like to be, the person who is successful and independent.  Someone people could be proud to know.  She has lots of friends, and is socially accepted by everyone.  She is pretty too, with great hair, long eyelashes.  Basically everything I am not.  She is the person I wish I had the chance to be.  But….  I know she is not real, and never will be, it just makes me feel better to dream of her world and wonder what it would be like to be someone happy.  Someone the people in my house noticed or wondered why I don’t speak anymore.  It would be nice to be anyone but me, then maybe I would feel something.