Killing time ....

Hey Isabelle

I have accepted my fate, I am in debt and my self-employment gig is failing me.  Since every time I try I fail at finding new clients.  OR….  I get new clients and fire them because I just can’t deal with sociopaths anymore. 

So I think I will finally except the fate, and re-pay my oldest son his fund I cashed out and used many years ago with interest.  I know he is irresponsible, and not my favorite person all the time, but he is my son.  All we have is each other, and he needs to learn I am here to help him through life.  He doesn’t get it yet, but his father will always have his wife (stepmother) and boys.  I will have my number one son.  YES, I have other children, but their dad is well off and they have opportunities.  My number one son has me.

It is hard to explain, but maybe one day we both will find a happy place to co-exist with each other and appreciate the relationship.  There is something different about having a child at 18 and raising him the way I did with what I went through.  YES, there is the never-ending guilt and pain.  But there is a different relationship we grew up together.   I would be hurt more if he was not in my life, more than anyone else.

I guess you only understand if you have been there…

Well today was another day Isabelle.  I am still trying to figure out what is next, because there always is a next.  So I am not meant to work, in the traditional sense, but I need to do something sooner or later, because once these kids are in school full time I no longer have a stable home.  Basically the little kids father has made it clear we have no future, which is fine with me.  It is the fact he finds no value in me being a mother.  Once my last project is complete with my last client, I am out of work and in debt still.  He doesn’t even blink; it is of no concern to him I am filing bankruptcy and not finding a job.  Because I am not his problem, I have no value.  His money is for the cars, and his stuff, not to help me.

YES, this is not a relationship I wanted, nor do I agree with in any way shape or form.  I am the person that if the situation were reversed I would do anything to help my partner in crime, (aka the mother of my children).  I am the person who would get a second job and do whatever it takes if that was my role.  But, its not and here I am at 7pm ready for their dad to get home so I can go hide in my room from him and sleep.

SO goodnight Isabelle, love and dreams to you.  I know you would be better than me and never give up.  The world has hurt me too much, and they just don’t make drugs for that, (do they?) so I am back to killing time until I die…