MOM

Hey how you been Isabel, I now what is this all about?  I’m writing almost everyday after silence.  Who knew I actually had something to say.

I guess I realized lately I need to talk to someone, I don’t have friends or a social group and most people find me a bit strange.  Plus Facebook and other places are not for my personal thoughts they are for funny random shit. Right?

My mother and I are at a great place these days. The older I get and the more I let go of the past it is then when I realize she is an amazing women I missed so much time with because I was a stupid stubborn teenager.    Yes I talk to my Granny almost everyday and yes I love her very much, even though she is a judgmental, always right, cant argue with her  brat.  I love her and I have been more honest and real with her than anyone ever in my life. But its my Mom……

What little girl doesn’t dream about their mothers love?  I do, its all I can think about sometimes, the heart ache, the fighting, the polar opposites we are.  She is my mom, ya know.  She could beat me (has happened) and I would still want her in my life.  The irony of the whole thing is that out of all my siblings, all six of us.  I am the one around, I am the one with my kids in her life regularly, I call her for advice and strength,  I even tell her how much I hat the man I live with sometimes.  Which is hard for me after all we have been through.  It is hard for me to have a relationship with her like I do, but because it is hard makes it that much more special. 

I cant tell you how proud I am of my mother, after all she raised me.  Well most my life, then granny finished me off.  She put up with a narcissistic Doctor for a husband, sick kids, people dyeing.  She held her composure.  I have never heard he once complain or say she needed something more.  We don’t talk about what happened, you know that ugly stuff that happened to me as a kid.  We don’t pity each other or make excuses, but I make sure every mother’s day and birthday she gets something really special.  I make sure she sees her grandkids whenever she wants; I make sure to listen to her when she talks.  I tear up thinking she might die one day and there is soo much I missed.   I look forward and dream about having the opportunity to take care of her as she once took care of me, minus all the bad shit.  I hope I die before her so she can finish raising my kids, because really who else can I trust.

But then I come back to reality and know she will never really understand the love I have held on to for her all my life. The love I have had and regret I feel after having my own kids.  She may never know, so lets hope I tell her before its too late.

All my love mom, if I never say it maybe Isabel will.  Because all I am is in my children and is in this book, and it is all for you.