Reflections on Current life and MEN who loved me

TO review the physiological effects constant fear and abuse can have on a person, let me tell you I was and still am to this day damaged. I believe I have the symptoms associated with PTSD. However some things cannot be undone and time does not heal everything. Medication cannot fix anything, and even writing this journal may not do the trick. There are some situations or pain in my life that have made me who I am and caused me to be more than jaded about love. I have learned not to have expectations, I do not believe in fairytales, happy endings, and the idea of a soul mate or anything like that. I am not looking to be completed or share my eternal life with anyone but my kids. I simply do not need to be with anyone. I let go of hope and ideas that society places on you in your youth, like owning a home and raising a family. I just wanted peace.

I can choose to hold on to the bad or embrace the good. I have to want to fix my marriage today but right now I am in a place that I find very familiar it is my hiding place where I wait and do nothing. At least for now I will do nothing. My husband has brought so much pain and anger back into my life with his actions recently I am frozen waiting or stuck. I am frightened of loosing everything and at the same time would like to run away.

Lets start with the good…
I love being a mother, auntie, and having children surrounding me in my life. I am blessed to be apart of their life.
I have a few very close friends that understand me and love me unconditionally that I cannot live with out.
I have a Granny who is my best friend and mother I always wanted.
I have a safe place to live with the essentials and a little more than most.
I have myself and the choice to be here.
I have been loved and continue to be loved unconditionally. My friends who know me accept me.
I have hope things will change.

That being said in my past many men who have been in my life that loved me and never understood me I am sorry for not being "that girl". I was honest when I said things will eventually end, I was serious when I told you all I prefer to be alone. Apart of me is still that way to this day. I would rather be alone or than unhappy. I could live in a box and as long as I have the ability to make money to support my current life I was fine. I am not afraid to work, and enjoy it, I am not afraid of much actually. Not after what has happened. My biggest fear came true in 2004, my son was taken away from me and it traumatized us both to our cores. That type of damage will never be undone no matter who I talk to about it or how many times I say it out loud.

So to the Men who I consider apart of my past….

MEN IN MY PAST
So to all the men in my life that meant something…
Thank you BJ for giving me my son the love of my life.
Thank you GL for making me free to except what I did not know. Showing me how to live without expectations and letting me tell you to leave.
Thank you JC for making me a wife for a few moments and stepmother for a year. Thank you for making me the most beautiful women in your eyes.
Thank you CRK for the unexpected connection no one can explain, great orgasms, and thank you for leaving me.
Thank you JA a lover from another life who will never go away. You definitely gently made love to me every time and expanded my sexual experiences. You made me breathe when I had nothing left, made me feel until I exhausted every emotion. You are with me always and my favorite memory. I just wish we could have a real conversation some time.
Thank you RK for being the man who took control always protecting me and letting me fix you by fixing me. Thank you for accepting me, putting your foot down yet so gently by never letting me gets away with anything. And thank you for leaving as well.
Thank you BF for being a true friend taking care of me and showing me how much I deserve to be taken care of in every way. You spoiled me and taught me it was ok to need. To except all gifts from someone without giving back anything.

I am sorry I could never love any of you the way you needed me to…

I am not sure I have ever truly allowed myself to be in love. Accept my children and a few close girls friends.
Don’t take it as though I am trying to hurt anyone. I have nothing left to give a man.

That is how I feel today in 2010 most the time. I am in love with my children, I am in love with who I am and can be, I am in love with a couple of my close girlfriends, KL, you know who you are…
As for men I am not sure with all the damage, if I can fall in love with any of them?