Journal Entries 2000-2004

#1
Standing in the rain someone whispers does any one live here and she wonders where her heart went. Strange voices speak in the night, as signs pass quickly with wet cold streets. Her Soulful eyes have aged quicker than the rest from Staring in to the windows from her past. So many know her and never forget. . She walks below an empty sky and is everywhere at once then gone before you leave. She has nothing to give you when it is not her you see. Have you ever seen a woman admired by the stars, have you ever seen such beauty light the dark. You will never understand her no matter how you try she belongs to no one and no one asks why. She will let you inside if you can find her heart. She will let you love her if you try. She holds secrets you will never know, and in her smile you will see she can love you like no one could ever dream. No one ever asked no one wanted to know. So it does not matter if she loves them, when they do not want her soul. In a world gone crazy with no one left to blame stands a woman with beauty that cannot be explained. Have you ever seen a woman admired by the stars, have you ever seen such beauty light the dark. You will never understand her no matter how you try she belongs to no one and no one asks why.

#2
Come on in and leave your judgment at the door. Erase my sin and I will show you some more. All the stories end the same and nothing can be true if illusions remain. How do I find myself without knowing where to begin? When beauty is always found where no one has ever been. There is no meaning when you cannot understand my future is determined by who I am. I live a life that wakes me from my sleep now you know why I fear my dreams. Who can decide what is right or wrong. When there is no place I belong. Religion is for those who need boundaries in life, but our beliefs have faded with time. So why not try looking through some one else’s eyes. If we leave our ambitions and get in line, diversity will no longer exists, only the fearless will survive. So why am I punished for not wanting this. Along a journey or on a road I found my faults and now I know. The battles we fight are fought from within. SO are these the memories and thoughts I will forever dread. I live a life that wakes me from my sleep, now you know why I fear my dreams. Who can decide what is right or wrong. When there is no place I belong.


#3
Once again time repeats and I am left without my feet. I have fallen left to bleed all my hopes and my dreams. I visit a place from time to time, but do not find where my heart meets my mind. A struggling life only to survive, an empty hole that becomes deeper with time, a place where pain remains and never heals inside. How do you speak words you cannot find? How do you breathe in a world suffocated by your own mind? Change comes so quickly and then who I thought I was is gone. My ideas, my beliefs, things I thought were mine disappear before my eyes, like the people in my life. I come undone my unconscious self is revealed, yet I still do not know who I am or what I am supposed to be. Can you hold something that is free to change? Can you want something with nothing to gain? Can you love and never know its name. I suffer from the inconsistencies of life there is no stability when all you know are lies. Is there somewhere I do not need to pretend? I thought I had the answers I thought I knew my life. Can anyone show me the place I cannot find?


#4
A troubled past with no desire to explain. Memories with no one left to blame. Change comes so quickly and once again all I can see, all that is left is me. I open my heart by shutting my eyes. Then I shut the door with you left out side. Never a child left to play, always surviving each day. I want more than this life a small voice screams, but how do I get what I have only dreamed. How do I learn to need something I have never seen? IF secrets are told and my soul revealed, can I be safe with so much to feel. When trying to live between the lies and truth that I speak. While walking upon ground that trembles beneath my feet. This is where I wonder within the hopelessness of shattered dreams. Wondering if I will ever deserve the beauty of what I am afraid to be always lost within the crowd, bored with the same routine. If one wish could be granted to me I want to know what forever means.

#5
Is it my mind that is spinning or is it the earth spinning beneath my feet. Is it my heart that is beating or am I imagining the sound. There is a preacher at my door and now he is singing. There is a man down the street and he is begging for his soul. Where did their hearts go? I thought I heard the tears, thought I saw their shadows following me.
Well I can’t escape my nightmares, I can’t escape what I have seen. They can’t run and I can’t hide, so I will try to remember only the good I have seen.
Was that a child standing on the corner of the street? Was that a gun under the seat? What has this world come to? When did their souls leave? I thought I felt their pain as the wind brushed my cheek. Can we begin again? Can we take back the mistakes? Trapped in our own illusions, always blaming fate. Everyone believes in something, a reason to live, other than to feel love, why do they get up? Because money become a need? Did that man die from drink, did they steal something from that woman and make her bleed? Why do they hate, why do they cheat? I saw their hearts fall to their feet.
Well I can’t escape my nightmares, I can’t escape what I have seen. They can’t run and I can’t hide, so I will try to remember only the good I have seen.


#6
A moment in time or the things we feel should be kept close to our hearts so they are always real. But what becomes of me when my heart is larger than my mind. I can see past the web of lie life has left behind, I can feel their pain with every breath that I breathe. If only I could go back and forget what was said, forget how I felt, erase the memories I dread. Maybe then I could replace my nightmares with dreams.
Never taught never loved, and never shown what to believe, has made a woman still a child only able to survive and never know what forever means. They tell me to stop spinning, stop the inconsistencies, so how do I stop the pain when it becomes overwhelming. Must I play the fool time and time again to understand who I am or where I have been? When all I have left to give is my tired soul and love, no one wants it with out the conditions society sets on all of us. Will my heart one day not be so free because my mind takes over when the pain becomes too deep? Must I close off forget how to feel so I can get the job done and become cold like everyone else seems to be. Is there a balance a place in-between where I will be safe to have hope and believe. I need nothing but me, that what I have to give will be enough for someone for more then a day or week. They only see confusion or what I pretend to be. I may be known by many, but few know me. One life one love one chance and it will all be gone before you realize what you had or need. Now they have put price tags on everything, and the value of our emotions has decreased. I will stand and win another fight, I will continue the battle and pretend everything is just fine. If there is one thing I know and I know too well no one wants to know the truth or how you feel, they like to pretend the lies are real. They do not want to hear there is something more then what can be seen and never tell them that the answer is not the simple things. I could go and become a great success I could smile and never mention the rest. But for some reason I would rather just be me and know I lived each day with my whole heart and not just part of me.


#7
Fools smile, bar scenes, empty hearts, forgotten souls, corner streets, passing by so quickly, and a freeway of dreams out of reach
I am nowhere to be seen yet reaching out I open my mouth to scream, not a sound leaves
I find myself Forgiving you but never letting the grip loosen on feeling the pain you left me
Will saying goodbye release the end of a fantasy an idea a need
Like a door revolving in circles the smiles and faces fade in and out through the glass.
Going nowhere, the same people in a world spin around me trapped
In and out of places searching for something we all lack, while I drag my heart around, hoping to see you looking back
I walk along the wet cold street as another memory pours out of me and then world starts pushing back reminding me where I am at
Unreachable by anyone, the rush of emotion knocks me to the ground and the air escapes my chest I won’t take another chance. I won’t let you use me or ever let you in
So many tears have come and gone more pieces of my heart have broken from what you never said.
Tell me the passions you can not explain tell me secrets and pain, tell me your dreams just believe that what you say will never hurt as much as when you leave
If I take the time the pain would go away, if I die it will be too late
I can still feel you, smell you, and need you, impressions you left within me never let go
leave me alone while I lie awake and never sleep
Days go by and I know you will forget me
Looking past the sky I feel high becoming blind everyday watching everything change before my eyes
Lay me down lay next take the best part of me listen to my voice watch me sleep lead me away from these things
I awake and now know what I should see,
Every star in the sky speaks the same thing, they can walk in and out but I can never leave with my heart always free without letting go and knowing everything
Shadows change the laughter becomes silent, the last taxi is called
Here I am getting in as my heart falls out of my chest and into the gutter once again saying goodbye