Torn between the truth and my insecurities Current day 2010

I have no created an environment where my husband and I do not really talk. We just get things done. I dislike this type of environment where I am uncomfortable speaking my mind or being honest. I am forced to hold back in fear I will offend him. If I even say to him “you already told me that” in reference to a story he repeats more than twice he tells me I am mean. Or if I say your snoring at night is like torture sometimes because just as I fall asleep it wakes me up and then I can never go to sleep in bed with you. He accuses me of being mean and interprets what I say as an attack on him personally. He acts as though I am telling him he is torturing me. I think he is being too sensitive because this is the way I communicate with most being in my life. I say what I mean no bullshit.

I am cruel at times but not in those situations. I wonder has no body ever told this man the truth? The honest raw brutal truth? DO people actually go around not saying how the feel and think? Unfortunately yes…

It is like I tell me son, say what you mean and use the words you want this is your home and it is the one safe place in the world you get to do that.

I am starting to feel ready to talk to him about things wanting to heal but I can’t talk to him. Some people recommend therapy, but really what is therapist going to say that I can’t?

I am also having issues writing the next part of my life. Life #3 I like to call it, the part where I self-destructed and ruin myself for a few years. What happens is completely my fault and doing. It is harder to write about what I did rather than what was done to me. I was not a nice person all the time and did not deserve how some things happened but still will have to swallow a large amount of embarrassment and guilt to put it in writing the way it should be done, honestly.

Today I have therapy again and maybe there is an answer there, maybe I can talk myself in circles until I find the words I need.

I need to do something because my insecurities from my wounds being opened up and exposed are eating away at me everyday.

I am not myself if I cannot speak my mind and say what I feel. SO today I am torn on if I should try and trust this husband and try or if I should allow the wedge between us to grow.

Thank God I have my good friends like KL and WO I would be alone with my mind in silence all the time. As we all know entering ones mind is like taking a long walk down a dark alley alone. SCARY!