Current Day 2010/ expect the worst hope for the best and be thankful if I survive it all

So I have not written in 10 days and I think I am avoiding continuing my own story because I know the part that comes next is really bad. Not worse than what has already been written just horrible because it was my doing. It is hard to write about my own mistakes and admit fault, failure, and my own screw-ups.

In the mean time I am busy with baby’s first birthday. My little angle turned one and he is so beautiful. Full of energy refusing to sleep and stubborn but a beautiful child that I love dearly.

The teenager is growing and trying to mediate his birth parents. The sad part is I do try to keep him out of the issues between his father and myself. However his father drags him into things, manipulating everything that is said then making him upset or angry for no reason. His father just needs to communicate changes in the schedule or other issues to me and not involve the teenager. Here in the adult world just because you don’t like someone does not mean you get to ignore him or her and refuse to talk. You can’t put your hands over your ears or face and scream LALALALALAL! At the top of your lungs. What kind of example is that? I try and reassure the teenager that he does not need to get involved and things are much simpler than they appear. But he seems to just regurgitate anything his dad said. Oh well? He will figure it out like we all have, as we get older. Your parents are not super hero’s and do not have perfect lives they are just people…

My husband and I have been trying and doing better with the fighting. I am almost ready to try therapy with him. I just need some regular time to recover from the hurt before I can open up and talk.


My cousin is home from the hospital with my Granny. I can’t wait to hug them tight and cook his favorite meal. I hope he never stops having such a wonderful attitude after four brain surgeries. He has not really realized that his entire life is changing, or maybe he does and is just fine with it all? I can’t tell right now he seems to be in a good place. My granny is just tired and after 8 weeks in a hospital with my cousin who can blame her.

Well on with the holidays, I hope I survive? I have lots of family and friends to visit.

I have just become a robot trying to make it to the finish line. I think my therapist is worried, he can’t get a reaction out of me. I keep just saying it needs to be done and I have zero control so why should I have expectations. I live today and maybe tomorrow will come. That has always been an issue for me. I can’t rely on others and make plans. Sure I can count on the fact I will be a mother and be there for my kids. So how do I rely on an adult like my husband to make a plan with and not be disappointed? I figure if I don’t want anything and don’t ask for anything then when something happens I will be happy and when nothing happens I won’t be disappointed. He said that is no way to live? I say I have zero control and only frustration if I need anything. I think I will just expect the worst hope for the best and be thankful if I survive it all….