Court battles/ The day I died... 1995-2004

My son’s father and I had a routine down by arguing about everything and my son being tossed back and forth in the middle. I would try and get along however his temper and controlling nature verses my independence was never a good match. His father was always with another women. Once he was married again he want all his children in his house with him. Child support was never guaranteed and was fought about every time in court. Jacob was taken care of financially no matter the case.

My son’s father was always angry and yelling at me, threatening me, making me feel scared or on edge all the time. He was good at that and I gave him the power to hurt me. He was very manipulative and would sometimes pretend to be my friend or somehow regain my trust and then slap me with more court paper work.

One occasion he used my weakness of being busy and not being able to afford daycare. He told me to leave my son with his mother. She then took him to the doctor after he fell playing and told the doctor I hit my child. I didn’t see my son for some time, because they then hid him from me and told the court I abused him. This type of manipulation and game playing was done often.

My parents disagreed with my life choices and the fact I remained single. My parents are very religious conservative and think children should have a two-parent home no matter what the circumstances. Since I choose not to live by their rules I did not have their support. This has remained the rule with them to this day. If they do not approve of my choices they do not support me. I guess it is only fair because I do not agree with their life choices and judgmental behavior. However I would never turn my back on my child they way they have with me.

The battles in court started to become worse and my son’s father took my medical records from my childhood and used them to take my son from me calming I was a bad mother because I had been abused as a child. My mother helped him in court a lot. I remember reading in my medical records from when I was 13 years old, that they actually submitted as evidence. It was from a Physiologist that preformed a evaluation on me. His report said I had superior intelligence 187 IQ or something. That they did not find me to be bipolar or manic-depressive but I had social issues. (Go Figure??) Then the part that I cried over was when he wrote I kept shaking and apologizing for shaking because the medication my mom made me take made my hands shale all the time and I could not draw a straight line. That must have been when my mother was giving me high dosages of Lithium and Prozac. Then the part of the report that they highlighted for the judge was “Mothers Comments” in big letters. My mother told the courts and doctor I was Manic depressive, needed medication because I was out of control among other things. My parents helped my son’s father betray me as a unfit person due to their personal opinions of my life choices. This was done after they had not been apart of my life for many years and knew nothing about me.


Another example of strange and awful court issues surrounded a police report I filed on BJ in 2002 for giving me two black eyes and a fractured nose. The mediator at the time in court decided to use this evidence in her report but in BJ’s favor.
I will never forget when I read the mediators report after BJ hit me so hard my nose cracked and I had two black eyes. She wrote he must have been acting out of the best interest of the child. I have the document and would love to show it to someone who can explain to me why a licensed physiologist would first make me sit in the same room as someone who abused me and then tell him it was expectable to hit me. The police report was vague and they didn’t know who to believe since BJ’s friends where writing letters on his behalf. He belonged to the local pipefitters union who preformed contracts for the county and the police station the report resided in. I didn’t have anyone but my son. I was named the aggressor in one police report when I had a black eye!! I am 5ft 4 inches 140 pounds and BJ is 6ft 5inches 280 pounds. Because BJ’s friends, union brothers and family said I started it therefore the police chose their story and BJ did not have a mark on him.

My son was ping ponged back and forth for a number of years due to this type of arguing. Bryan went through women and I went through Jobs. I was working two jobs and then was married for around 9 months by age 20 as I mentioned. I just kept doing what I had to do always praying for time.

My health was starting to become an issue and I ended up in the hospital the first time with endometriosis and cists on my ovaries. I started having digestive issues and couldn’t eat or sleep. Totaled three cars in two years, and was making decent money throwing it all away on Vacations, cars, friends, my sisters and my son of course. I took my son to Disney land, Maui, all the best Musicals with VIP seats in the orchestra. I bought my son everything and anything he wanted. After a while my body started having pain all the time, I guess my girl parts where falling out or at least that is what I though. I was on painkillers more often and kept going. I was happy I thought?

I don’t think words will ever describe how my son and I feel about each other, my son watched me go through so much. I tried to hide it but it was just he and I and I stood by him as he went through life too. I would like to say I protected him the best I could, however I learned years ago I couldn’t protect him and had to teach him to protect himself. My power to protect him was taken from me by the courts and police or his father. I couldn’t be with him every moment because of all the ciaos around us. I could prepare him and help him learn to protect himself. It is a horrible feeling not to be able to protect your only son. Maybe I could have done more I didn’t know. The system was failing me and the lawyers, judges; police made it except able for BJ to hit me beat me down verbally or physically until I was almost ready to give up. The power was on the side of someone who had large numbers of people willing to testify including a powerful Local Union. They would all swear I was lying all the time. I didn’t have friends and never had time for anyone or anything but work, college, or my son. BJ won and everyone loved BJ. He was always that great guy everyone adored, but behind closed doors especially mine, he was a monster I could not fight.

I was a honest emotional women, I always have been always will be. I didn’t have the skills to fight a deceptive person like that back then. I still believed the truth would come out one day and it would be alright. Love me or hate me I will tell the truth nothing more. That does not always win you friends and I am many things, but socially excepted or popular like BJ I am not. Unfortunately the social game BJ won, even with his womanizing and abuse. I guess anything is excusable when you have money, friends, and contacts with the county your case is residing in. He won, and I lost paying the price of being torn apart from my son.

For a long time I felt so beaten down from the years of abuse by BJ I would lose jobs or just be too emotional to function. I had just me and my son, I felt so alone in the fight, and I questioned my own reality. Maybe I was never good enough to be a mother, maybe they were right I should be beaten and abused. For a long time I felt I did something to deserve it or at times thought I was a horrible person. I just kept looking at the little boy I loved and tried to move forward.


During those years everything was fast and I didn’t pay attention to my health or the details. I was in a hurry to get things done. Most of the time I was working two jobs, taking college classes maintaining a 3.4 GPA or better. My jobs were always intense build out projects for Chase Manhattan Mortgage, developing software, teaching application software to corporate employees. I continued my education in Real Estate, business and software, then took a couple medical classes for fun. I was becoming a great project manager and working with larger companies. My work consisted of anything that that the company needed. My main focus was construction and contract negotiation for real estate. I would locate a new available space for the company build out the site then manage the contracts operations everything. Sometimes I was hired just to focus on the problems for companies in distress or problematic situations. I would evaluate and then make recommendations, everything from employee performance to structuring the departments and setting up new departments within the company structure. I went out and earned my Real Estate License, my Insurance Brokers License, and even took a electronic engineer class once.

I made sure I could meet with my son’s teachers, pick up my son from school and was home every night to cook for him. My life was a blur living in the Bay Area and when my son was gone visiting his father I would work as a Bartender or wait tables on the weekend or at least try something normal. I didn’t drink till almost 22 yrs old. Since my life was so sheltered I was forced to learn quickly about the predators lurking in the bars and clubs. Being a somewhat attractive girl I always had men willing to take me to dinner or buy me something nice. I really didn’t see the harm in it, I didn’t think of the consequences of flirting. I had a couple long-term relationships one good friendship and caretaker. I still never allowed my son to be involved other than two of them met my son a couple times. One of the men spent some time with both of us, as my son got older and could understand the difference between friends and lovers. I always kept a clear distance from my son and any man in my life. I made it clear to anyone I was involved with they would not be involved with my son. I was his parent they were not. My son knew I had friends my age nothing more, just like he had friends his age.

By the time my son was 6 BJ had ended a marriage with another women, they had a child together. It was one thing that I had to take the abuse from BJ the fact I had some women doing it to me as well was twice as worst. But I am so tired of fighting I just take it and move on. BJ has never lived alone been alone and when my son was a baby he would send him home if he was sick. I don’t think BJ could tie his own shoes without a women around and he definitely could not care for child on his own. Maybe that was my mistake; if I would have sucked it up and got married it would have given me leverage in court. BJ and his first wife had a son 5 years younger than my son. Bryan found a better option and was moving in with her. Bryan wanted to drag the boys with him to the new women’s house so I objected. The new girlfriend would call to yell at me telling me I had no control and should do what I was told or else. This of course triggered my emotions to protect my son who was asking me to now let them take him to another women’s house. It wasn’t that I cared about who he was dating or wanted to keep my son from his father. My son was being dragged through his father’s relationships and his father would have these women take care of the kids so he could work or go out. SO when my son was with him he was left with dad’s new girlfriends. One of the women actually hit him once and my son being left with different women every 3 years was not OK for him or me. I never had some guy be held responsible for my son while I did whatever I wanted. He is my son and my responsibility.
BJ always believed that because I was not the same type of parent as him or did not parent my son the way he did that I was a unfit mother and not capable of taking care of him. This was far from reality I never claimed to be perfect but I never needed BJ or his approval to raise my son, which only fueled the arguments between us.

I had at this time just found out all the pain killers, hormones, anti anxiety pills, and other issues with my girl parts and digestive system where getting worse and I was getting really sick. My digestive system kept shutting down during anxiety attacks and I had developed cervical cancer and after all the other cists removal procedures, bleeding issues and constant pain, I needed another procedure to remove pre cancers’ cell on my cervix. I was a mess and BJ new it so he attacked. I freaked out and feared he would seriously hurt me or take my son again. When I disobeyed him he beat me down physically or verbally for it and then would take my son.

I did what I thought I should do to protect myself, I filed for a restraining order again he had it dismissed again. The court paper work was filed and I was really sick. My friend from the East Coast was helping me maintain my residence and visited once a month. He didn’t know what to do and told me he was in love with me. I will admit many men have loved me. I just can’t love anyone or give them what they need. I really felt and still feel I am meant to be alone and prefer it. Now it was just a matter of time, before it all ended or fell apart. I was not in any shape to get involved with a man. I was falling apart no attorney, no money, sick, and trying to hold on. I should have never gotten into a fight with BJ in this state.

Bryan won again in court and my son was taken out of my house in the middle of the school year to go live his father and new girlfriend. I didn’t have the power to fight this time and Bryan came to my house with the cops and his friends. He pulled me in a room and told me “see what you get for disobeying me” and then took my son, he took everything to Roseville almost three hours away.

I died that day, I remember being on the sidewalk after the reading at the court letter that said they awarded full custody to Bryan. I have never been in so much pain in my life. They took my son and I still can’t understand why. I read the court letter over and over but never quite found the Judges reason why. How could someone do that to me or a child? I wasn’t a drug attic, I didn’t hurt my son, and I wasn’t even on welfare.
I found out later that the attorney Bryan had hired had a lawsuit with my father 20 years ago and my father won. Along with the fact the attorney went to college with the judge and don’t forget BJ worked for a powerful Union that did work for the County. They submitted my childhood medical records as evidence to say I was unstable from abuse issues. My mother testified against me and Bryan had more friends, family on his side on his behalf.

I had letters from school officials my son’s therapist and my sons school mate’s parents saying it was in my son’s best interest to stay with me. Nothing helped I lost my son; I lost custody of my son. My son was no longer legally my son. My son was gone….
I died that day right there on the street in front of the court house and to this day will never forget how it felt.

For my SON

Hey you, come along and hear me
Hey you, I never thought this would be happening
Something’s were never meant to be
Loosening you was one of those things
Hey you, don’t worry
There is something better waiting for you and me
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me
Hey you, wishes do come true
Hey you, dreams can speak to you
Angels say no one can take me from you
Because god gave me to you so he must be in love with you too.
Something inside me is breaking for you
Something inside me is changing for you
Hey you, don’t cry everything will be alright
Hey you, listen to me I will never leave
Something’s can’t be taken away so easily
Because I was given you so god must love me
I can’t say why some things are happening
Can’t tell you what to believe
But I was given you so god must love me


I still say I will never understand what really happened. The only thing I know is he who has the most money wins! If you are a parent or not I am sure you will understand the devastation I felt. My heart left my body that day and I died physically, emotionally in every way and did not want to live anymore.

I ended up getting off all the hormones having my procedure to remove the cells on my cervix and fell ill with pneumonia for 3 months immediately after. Everything and everyone left, I was really incoherent with the phenomena and everything else. My friend from the Eat Coast said it was time for him to move on and I had to go, so I was forced to move again.

I began to completely self destructed with anger and pain driving my efforts.