Teenagers whats left in the end/ Current Day 2011

SO today my teenager said he want to take a break from seeing me and feels I am to blame for the conflict with his father. That he needs to protect his father and family from me, basically.

Maybe my anger finally caught up with me, maybe I deserve it all…

I would love to continue to try and defend my actions to him. But find myself choosing to let him go instead. Sure every parent fights for their kids. Maybe I fought to hard and did too much. His father has influenced him and it is too late for me to be apart of his life. Maybe it is for the best or at least that is what I will tell myself for now as I prepare for whatever is next. I don’t think any parent can prepare themselves for the hurt a teenager causes them. How our children turn around and hate us after they loved us for so long.

SO here is what I would love to say and can’t to my teenager… Because I can’t hurt him and it wont matter anyway. Maybe I am selfish and just want my little boy back.

I am writing you this letter because there are things I never wanted to tell you that I feel I am forced to tell you at this time.

I do not want to fight, I do not want you to be hurt and that is why I want you to stay out of the arguments with your father. As you know and should understand by now your father and I are very different people and will never get along. That being said it does not mean I will ever stop loving you. I will never stop fight for what is best for you or to be apart of your life.
However you tell me how I baby you and do not treat you like a grown up. Well maybe that is because I don’t want you to know how painful the world can be and want you to be happy forever. I don’t want you to hate your father I don’t want you to not want see him or me. I have never kept you from him or told you not to be apart of his life.

If you want to be treated as an adult I will treat you as one.

Here is the truth and here are all the documents to support the truth. You may think what I am telling you is bad but it is the truth.

You have chosen to forget all the things I have done for you. The trips to Maui, Disneyland, the theater in San Francisco. I didn’t get married before because I thought it was best for all my time and energy to be about you. I raised you, your father paid for you. Your father has never been without a women in his home and life. He either had his mother or someone else to take care of you and has not spent the time I have. You are changing now and growing up, so if you want to make a decision about who is right or wrong at least have all the facts.

Your father has hurt my family for a long time. He has physically hurt me and tried everything he can to take you away from me. My best friend and many others watched him and his wives abuse me for years and hurt you. He stole money from my Grandpa, he lied to his last wife and cheated on her. He lied in court and cheated on me when we were together. And YES he lied to you. But now my anger is effecting my relationship with you so it is time to let the cards fall where they may.

You told me once that your father told you I was an unfit mother or could not care for you when you were 8 years old. That the whole experience traumatized you. Well it was not true. I was never an unfit mother and you wanted to be with me. I have over 300 letter from your therapist Erica, your old teachers, and many other people telling the court and your father to leave you with me. You yourself at 8 years old asked me to fight for you. If so many people said you should stay with me and you wanted to stay with me then why would your father still try and take you from me?
You told me to help you and give you time with me before you went to visit your father again and his new girl friend at the time Maureen. You were scared and hurt by him leaving Amy and want to be with me. Instead your father became angry with me and used you to hurt me by taking you from me.

You father took personal medical records of mine from when I was 13 years old. The records were about when I was sexually abused and conversations I had with a therapist. He stole these from me and told the judge since I was sexually abused I could not care for you. I was working two jobs and taking care of you at the time but could not afford a Lawyer. Your father’s Lawyer was very powerful and he won based on me being sexually abused as a child. I don’t think someone being abused should be used against someone in court but your father did not care.

I know this is a lot to understand and hard to believe so I have all the court documents to show you if needed.

Throughout the years I tried to see you and even moved to Roseville to be closer to you. When I would see you your father would come to my house early or threaten me all the time. He would threaten to keep you from me, You stepmother helped him do this and would call me and make threats to me about hurting you to hurt me. I eventually had to move back to San Francisco for work and continued to fight to see you. Your father would change the times and make it difficult for me to pick you up all the time. I did the best I could. Your father was not around a lot leaving you with your stepmother and would never return calls or emails. I also have all the emails and can show you many emails of your Father attempting to bad mouth me and saying hurtful horrible things about me.

Now that I went back to court, and have more time with you there is nothing your father can do. The judge told him to stop his behavior and not interfere with my visitation. Your father is angry because he does not like me and he can’t hurt me anymore. Now he is telling you things that are untrue just like he has told you before when you were 8 years old, just like he told your fist stepmother when he cheated on her with the new stepmother, Just like he told my Grandfather, just like he told me.

I don’t want to fight with you about your father. You have become extremely sensitive to anything I say or do and it is never my intention to hurt you. You think he has your best intensions in mind but really if you think about it why would he have taken you from me and keep trying to take you from me. He has never emailed me and been honest with anyone. He hurts people around me and tried to hurt me through you.

I have never stopped hoping for you to come home. You wanted to be with me then and should never have left. I could have taken you back from your father a year ago but you said that you wanted to live there so I listened to you.

This is my deepest regret, loosing you and not protecting you better. You asked me to protect you when you where 8 years old and I could not. I tried to protect you now from this and failed again by being forced to tell you the truth.

You can choose to be apart of my life but it will never be easy just honest. I would hope you would have your own thoughts and beliefs not your fathers or mine.
And anyone that tells you it is not there fault or they do not deserve something is wrong. We all have a part in what happens in our lives. WE all effect others around us and no one is left without blame. Your father and I are both to blame not just one of us.

I taught you to think for yourself when you were younger and hope you figure it out again someday. I would miss you if you were gone and hope you find your way back to me. To the moon and back.

The fact is what we want to say to our children they never understand until they are older. So what is the point in fighting? It is selfish of me to think it evens matters to him what happened. He has made his choice and the choice is not me.
All the hard work and fighting does not matter in the end because our kids just grow up and hate us no matter what we do. That is all that is left in the end, we loose them and hope they come back one day.