Post Traumatic Stress/ Current Day 2011

SO the last couple days my husband has been putting records together in order to place assets into a trust and move some things around. This means paper work. As he always does he waits until the last minute and then comes to me to get things done. This stresses me out because it is all legal paper work that should be done correctly not thrown together and will need to be redone. I am not a procrastinator and I am very organized most the time. However since I have moved 3 times in the last year with him and he packed things I have no clue where most things are. If you are like me this makes your life hell in so many ways. My husband is the most disorganized person I have ever known in my life. It never mattered to me when we were dating because I never wanted to get married. However since we are married and everything it makes me crazy. Then triggers an anger fit. He pushes me to do everything and I have to dig up things from my past that I don’t want to deal with. I need time to deal with things not two hours before the dead line after he has had the paper work over a week.
Then he is arguing with me about money again telling me I can’t or shouldn’t feel the way I feel. That I really don’t need anything and can make him a list for approval. Everyone may think he is a nice guy but he really needs to learn to respect others opinions and feelings. TO me he is a dick! It was the whole fight again about how I am an adult and need my own money to budget etc… How he does not agree or care. Same fight different day. This triggers me into being upset for days, wanting to leave missing my single life and all the above. Now I have spent the day super sensitive to everything around me.

Which brings me to today. I spent some time with a friend and their kids for lunch the subject came up about a person they new that lost a child. I left the room and cried on my way home. It reminds me of the loss of my son when he was 7 years old. How is father ripped him away from me for no reason with the help of the system. If you have been reading this journal then you know the history. I had over 300 letters of support from teachers and therapists and parents form the community. Still my son was taken. If you can envision in your head a mother having her child ripped out of her arms at that age then you can relate to why I call it a major loss of my child in my life. I can’t let it go these days. With my alder son and his attitude towards me, or the way he is taking his fathers side. It hurts and I have to be strong and move forward. People tell me he will understand one day or see it for what it is but really that is no guarantee. He may choose to leave me forever from being poisoned against me by his father. No one speaks up for me. No one has told him what I went through. The fighting and all the years of being fucked with so I could just have one day with him. I was never a bad mother, and I have over 300 letters to prove it. But according to my teenage son I am useless. SO after all the fighting and all the tears I loose, and everyone is telling me to let it go... I would give anything to have one person on my side. I don’t want my son to be hurt from knowing the truth about his father but what do I do?? Sit quietly and let him go because I can’t tell him…


These flash backs or rushes of emotion are what the doctor calls PTSD. I have panic attacks from the memories of those years. I cry when I feel too stressed and always come back to this place of pain.

But who really ever gets over the loss of their child? We just slap a Band-Aid on it and move forward. Now I feel some days I am loosing him all over again. I don’t know if there is a big enough Band-Aid for that.