It has been a busy week to say the least. Some might think I complain a lot when I shouldn’t in my entries of this journal. But really this is my venting page where I get to scream as loud as I can about the things I can’t say out loud. As we all know our inner voiceless is not as kind or as positive as we all try to be on the outside. I never mean to be negative or complain. I do have a large amount of good in my life. It has been a challenging road I have chosen to travel. It has never been perfect and if anything I have tends to air on the side of honesty, not only with my emotions but with accepting the fact I am far from perfect. I can only learn form what I write and try harder to change and grow from the negative to the positive.
I have been having a more than difficult time with the teenager. Some would say it is normal. I am now faced with the fact he has decided I am the bad person and his father is all good. It is never that simple, as we all know. Instead I am choosing or ready to let go. I am not going to continue to tell him my truth of what the arguments are between his father and myself. I am choosing silence. This may in turn keep him from seeing me. It may damage things beyond repair. But I can’t fight anymore. I won’t fight with a 15 year old about my past issues with his father. SO I am letting him go…
In the good parts of my life my dreams are evolving. I am torn at times of being a single independent women and loving the fact I love being alone. But the other side of me the harder side or bigger risk is the dream of having a family with lots of people involved. It is a risk for me to let go and let people in. It leaves room for disappointment and heartache. When you allow people in your life they can let you down. I have been in search of something my entire life. In search of myself or which path to choose. A life alone that is safe and successful to the outer world or a less perfect life filled with many people.
I remember as a child wanting and hating my family. I learned to let them go and tired to replace the emptiness only to find more heartache. Then I decided to never let anyone in and be alone. Now I am rolling the dice and fighting my own fear s everyday.
The good news is if I can change and be a auntie, mother, wife, and a member of a real family I might have more pain but will have greater rewards.
I will try… I am putting my fear aside and will betaking care of my niece and nephews a few days per week. I am excited and I am learning to allow myself the attachment. With this only rewards of maybe having the dream of family could happen finally. If I don’t try well then maybe I will have the life of being alone. It is a hard one and the only one I will grow and learn from.
After all what is a life worth if it cannot be shared.
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