Current Day/ SICK and tired 2011

I have been sick since we came back from the southern California trip. I finally was given some cash to go to the Doctors and found out I have a bad sinus infection. My husband of coarse is useless and doesn’t understand why I am upset with him because he used all the gas in my car and left me 20 bucks then tells me I am free to do whatever I want. HA!! I could not even go pay for my own prescription at the pharmacy. He still won’t give me access to any money and I am starting to rebel. I feel like a trapped 50s-60s housewife without any of the friends or nanny.

Do to my tragic past he has once again become an abuser holding me prisoner in my own home that I am waiting to escape from. I know his insecurities cause him to behave this way. But anyone who knows me knows the rule… If you love something set it free….
I can’t be kept as an inmate in my own home only to dream about escaping. I am sure the fact I am sick is only making things worse but please someone tell him to stop!! Just Stop!! I hate him for doing this to me!!! I can’t live this way and feel so beaten down all the time with nowhere to go.
Look at me I am 15 pounds over weight, I have not completed my education, I can’t even go to school because I can’t make any decisions about my own life. I feel nuts all the time for wanting to try and make things work then only to be disappointed all the time or become tired of trying to make things work. I then explode on him and he tells me I need medication or I am crazy. Like I have no reason to be unhappy because he gives me everything I need. HA!!! He cont even turn me on in bed anymore. I just lay there if I even let him in the same bed with me. I hate sex now and I never hated sex before I used to love sex. Now I dread the nights I have to let him touch me.

But I am sure I will let my anger go and try to make it work. What are my options really anyway. No body wants a 33 year old who is in my position. Heck I don’t want me anymore. It frightens me when I get like this. I feel so hopeless and afraid of myself. I would leave for any other man, but I really don’t trust men. Why should I trade one bad situation for another? My husband legally owns me and makes sure I know it, so why should I put myself in to another’s mans home that could possible hurt me more. I am out of options and made the wrong choice to have a baby and marry him. I know that now, but I have to make the best of it and can’t have regrets.

I just miss ME, I miss how passionate about life I was, how beautiful and hopeful I use to be. All that is gone…