Fighting for one life 1995-2003

I continued with my life and lived for my son; even with the constant physical and verbal abuse from my son’s father all the time I got up and did what I had to do for my son. I worked very hard as a contractor or consultant through out the years. I started in Real Estate and was a leasing agent at a small company for an apartment complex in the East Bay. I have project managed for some real big companies and small companies over the years, mainly real estate and construction. Most of my jobs where like my life temporary, however they suited the need for me to pick up my son from school or take time off when needed. I didn’t always make a ton of money but we had enough.

My son was always an amazing child he grew fast by the time he was 8 months old he was running through my house always into everything and so sweet but just like his mother curious about everything. He was always thinking and trying new things. As he grew I found if I talked to him and explained things to him when he needed to learn something he responded well. I took the time as a parent to answer the why when he needed to know and understand the world or rules in my home.
I spent hours reading to him at night even when he was very little. If he had a tantrum I would let him be angry then say “are you ready to huge” if not I would wait till he was done. It must have been hard for him going back and forth between houses. I would have been mad too. He would break down cry eventually from the anger and I would talk to him about why he was angry to try and help him deal with the reasons for his anger. He was always the smartest and tallest kid in his classes. He just kept growing, reading and eating. But so sweet and gentle. We did everything together, dinner in the City, musicals, plays, art festivals movies, just the two of us.

At an early age he loved and feared his father, I refused to fuel the issues by ever saying anything negative. I just always told him he should love his father even when he doesn’t like him. My son would get so angry when his father would yell and scream at him or me. He saw his father become violent a couple times with me and at 6 years old my son would be so hurt when he saw me get hurt. I tried so hard to never allow it around him and made sure to be strong in front of him or at least make sure he knew he didn’t need to protect me, he needed to be a child.

With his fathers constant harassment I would attempt to call the police and file restraining orders, but BJ had more friends and money than I did and they would do anything for him even testify to save him.

I spent 8 years the first time in and out of court with BJ fighting for my son I wasn’t always right and was always emotional. My son was my life and BJ wanted my life. I fought for it every day BJ would hit me and I would get blamed. BJ was good at turning everything into my issue or my fault. I was not always right and I was very emotional about having my son ripped out of my house every time BJ got remarried. I am sure that never helped the court battles and came across very badly in front of the judge. I had no one but my son most the time, I was working going to college and raising a child. It was very emotional for me, I am sure I reacted badly most the time to the threats and in the court hearings. It was me against them and they had more money and more friends.

I had a few love interests along my way and was married for about 9 months when Jacob was 1 years old. I always kept trying to find a family or the stability of a family for my son and myself. It just never really worked out with all the anger and fighting going on between my son’s father and myself, it was hard enough to live my own life.

The best way to describe it is in a paper I wrote for English class one year using my life experiences….
I will save the details of the court battles for my next entry they are painful to write.

If I gave my heart would they remember where it came from, if I gave away my smile would they remember the face it belonged to? I wonder every time I see someone new why I am still here, why the world stops when you appear. Confusion without a reason, tolerance of everything that comes with knowing someone I am attracted to, I could stand beside them and they will never realize I am on their side. I could speak and agree but they never want to know why. Security without consistency makes the realization set in, that my fear is what draws me here. Cold places I once forgot, and explanations without logical reason I am left comprehend. What we learn to accept, time soon will make us blind too. Loneliness will allow us to tolerate the intolerable without question. And our emotions or feelings for hope in the moment will make us forget the pain we inflict on each other that has ripped a whole in our hearts. Is that love or the desire to find the meaning of vulnerability?

There once was an innocent girl who existed long ago her secrets, dreams desires, and hopes no one will ever know. She did not want them to hurt her anymore so she keeps herself shut down and closed. She wrote her words down she could not say everyday to hopefully someday remember who she was and how she changed. She lived in a place where she survived just by believing someday she would find love and peace. She wanted peace from the anger, the pain, and abuse the beatings and drugs she was forced to be a victim to. The lies and confusion she was forced to endure made her build walls so high that no one could hurt her anymore. She protected everyone and was brave when she needed to be. She would not let anyone be hurt by anything. She even was strong as they strapped her down and exposed her so everyone could see. She lived only to die and continually tried to feel anything else by making herself bleed. Three times she tried and yet they kept her alive only at thirteen. Her only belief was that she would survive and someday find peace. The years went by and she finally left after being drugged raped and beaten. She said good-bye to everything, her family her childhood the people she was supposed to love yet she felt nothing. She stayed up at night and begged stars, for the strength to survive and find what was missing. It was time to change and let go of blame so she just focused on her only belief. That every day she would try even if she did not love who she is or sees. She tried and tried so hard sometimes she would not eat or sleep. She worked two jobs to pay the bills so young and yet grown up in a way, then along came a man who gave her a place to stay. Soon after that he would leave, never giving her anything. He left her behind with a broken face and a new baby on the way only at seventeen. She had to be brave for him and put her needs aside even though still something was missing. The baby needed her more than she needed her dreams. She changes again and begins a new life for him and gives him what he needs. Then four jobs three apartments and another man has left her again taking everything. She looks at the baby and smiles instead knowing they will survive if she tries to find what is missing. After five more jobs four hospital visits and a fourth cars is totaled, she still gets up and changes once again she is tired and wonders when it will end. With a troubled past and no desire to explain, with memories she has no one left to blame. Change has come so quickly and once again all she can see all that is left is her without anything. She opens her heart and shuts her eyes letting go of everything. She wants more than her life, but cannot find what is missing. She wants understanding. The dust clears and her time of peace is finally here. She finds safety in knowing how to feel, knowing who she is and loving who she has become. This time she says it’s all about me this time she knows who she is and wants to be. She is strong and fearless she does not worry about the rest of them, just her son and the love she found in the last place she was looking. She is complete and free to change with grace and charm. She is finally free to be in love with herself, she is complete. Yet she can’t wait to grow and change in order to find love within herself again.

This young girl looked in every place and in every person creating changes and tragedy in order to experience what she thought was love. When in reality where she should have started looking was inside her. When she finally found and experienced love for herself everything else became easy. Every day she began to recognize the feeling of love around her and instead of giving love away she embraced it and discovered she loved by being loved herself. I was this little girl and I realized after years of suffering that love is not something you automatically receive or give away to another person. It is not owed to you by your family it is not given to you by anyone. I found love through my struggles by finding myself and understanding who I am. I no longer looked outside myself for acknowledgment, approval, or happiness. I found through finding myself, and giving birth to a child I knew where to go and what I needed to do. I found peace and love in having direction and strength. I know love is no longer a word important to hear or an emotion that I need given to me. I love who I am understand who I have become and accepted myself fully. I guess what someone told me years ago were right, “I was lost then I found me and there I stood with love looking back at me.” This is all I will ever need.