I have been through worse and will go through better

I will go through better and have gone through worse or is it the other way around?


My day started at 1am when my husband came home to fight about the usual. He calls me names I say this is not one sided you know it takes two people to have a problem. Then he goes for it and starts in with you sick and need medication. I say why are you a doctor and have a PHD? He does the usual where he keeps at me, using my kids and past wounds he has heard second hand form others to hurt me. I apologies and tell him again your being abusive and need to try and be open to the fact there are two people involved. He has to take some of the blame I do not fight with myself.

Apparently I am a very intelligent person who has fooled educated doctors into believing I am not mentally ill. Hummmm, Wow I am really good and must be a mastermind manipulator to fool so many highly educated people. By 3:00am I lay in bed and cried myself to sleep until I heard him moving around and trying to take the baby. I told him he needed to go away for a while and that was that.

Back to my somewhat normal day… I went to see a dear friend who helped me talk it out and come to the resolution of what I said before. It takes two people and people say things in anger they do not mean. I still think using my kids to hurt me is wrong and using anyone’s childhood horror story against them is wrong. But I know I am one mean Bitch, so who am I to talk.

I had lunch and spent lots of time with the baby. He was a little traumatized with the yelling and new mommy was unhappy. Funny thought was, if my husband thinks I am so unstable and horrible then why does he leave me with the kids for weeks at a time???

I am calm and happy at home alone for now. I made another appointment to see the therapist on Saturday. This time with the husband present. Maybe some sort of common ground can be found.

I honestly did not believe my husband to be a bad person. I think he is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and life. I know he never had the issues and tragedies I have been forced to carry. Not that I am playing the victim card, because a lot of those experiences where my doing. I made bad choices. But I also got through them and moved forward in my life. I suffered the consequences, with strength and resilience. I am glad I did now but some days didn’t know if the light at the end of the tunnel was a train or silver lining.

I am going to try and work this out. Not that I have many options right now, but I will not be bullied into taking pharmaceuticals to please my husband. What are we in the 1950s? Take your Speed in the morning and Valium at night ladies!

Either way I will try, because I have been through worse and will go through better. But either way no matter what happens my life will go on and I will be just fine.