MY Husband

Today was a fun day?!?!

I took Jacob to school then to lunch and played with the other love of my life the baby.

One hiccup was a FACEBOOK conversation with my husband’s sister.
Haha Facebook is stupid but fun all at the same time.
She is kind of a disaster and flaky. But then aren’t we all at times. She started in with the poor me my life is too complicated and busy bit again. I honestly have no patience for anymore. We all have issues, but sometimes we need to look at ourselves for the solution to solve those problems. She took a stab at me so I used my sunshine ray hose and fired back with a very nice response giving her advise about taking the time to look inward and how drama follows drama. Then told her not to worry about us, good luck, and all that fun stuff. Was I condescending? Maybe? But I don’t care and don’t want to hear her babble or attacks. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Probably? But I am the master of blowing sunshine up people’s ass and doing it in a way that makes me laugh. I am brutally honest even when you don’t want to hear it, it is just the way I am. SO guilty as charged.

My husband blew a gasket, I laughed saying I do not care, it is not my problem and don’t want to argue about other people who mean nothing to me.
I am sure he is displeased but he still has not figured out my recent detachment from him and our relationship. When I shut down and go cold I shut down.

Why did I shut down, well??? You ever hear the saying “I Love you but now change.”
That is what my husband says to me and not directly but that is what he means.

We had another argument the other evening; I was actually calm this time and tried to talk to him about one of my concerns. It was really about him dismissing my feelings by telling me I do not feel a certain way when I do. I am sure you have heard it all before. Regardless of how it started it ended the same.
He started telling me how crazy I am that he spoke to my parents and aunt now about how I needed medication and that I am a horrible person. He bases all his information about me on the opinions of people that I really have not had a relationship with since I was 16-19 years old.

I am a very different person and did have issues when I was younger due to major abuse. I was raped, beaten those type of issues that make you a little nuts.

He threatened to take the baby away from me and told me horrible things about myself according to my parents and this Aunt I have not spoken to since I was 19 years old. This is something he has promised not to do and continues to bring up when ever we have a fight.

I shut down, honestly I can’t re-live my past mistakes every time and I do not think it is fair of him to take the word or opinion of someone that does not know me. I am in my 30s now and a very different person.

DO I react badly at times that can be construed as different or not normal? HELL YES! I was abused for many years continually; I have triggers that sometimes set me off. Do I try and explain these issues to my husband? YES! But he tells me to just stop it and get over it, because it is that easy. He tells me I am not normal and need medication; it is the only way to be happy.

That being said, I have seen my medical records from my past therapist and childhood. Not one diagnosed me with a bipolar disorder, in fact they said in their report that given the circumstances I was doing better than expected and had some socialization issues.

I know myself and I know after years of therapy and searching for the right answers I am sane. Normal? That’s a matter of opinion. Cynical and Jaded? Hell YA! Sometimes mean and very outspoken with a no bullshit attitude and not time for being polite. That is me, complicate, simple me.

I know my husband does not understand me, he has no desire to understand me, and he does not want to be compassionate or excepting of me. AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE. He wants me to shut up. So that is what I will do, I will smile and shut up. I am not in a position to do anything else.

Therefore I am happy back in my little shell, not a care in the world other than my boys and enjoying the day….