Resilience

If I could give one word to describe myself it would be resilient. I am this word and everything that goes with it. I have re-invented myself many times and started over as a mother, women, child and employee.

There are many things I have run from in my life. The biggest on being my childhood. I have recreated the abuse from my childhood in relationships and then run. I have been a power playing female dedicated to work, and then ran. I have been a mother now twice and it seems to be the one thing I don’t run from. It is what I am good at everyday, and my children do not judge me for my past as adults have, therefore I stay.

My relationship with my husband is in a place I cannot fix anymore. Instead of looking for answers within our relationship and working with me to fix things he went outside our marriage to people I have spent my entire life running from. MY FAMILY!

I am not the scared stressed, wounded little girl once 12 years old hiding in the closet from my mother that they tend to look at me as if I never changed. I am not this frightened animal that when shoved against a wall comes out swinging that they love to blame from every family disagreement. I removed myself from their lives a long time ago and accepted the loss.

I have been running a long time and found my place in being a mother, being able to teach me children, being able to watch them grow and live their lives that will never be as painful as mine. Knowing what I know about the evils of this world has given me the ability to help them never have to make a decision that will place them in harms way. I am a mother and a better one than I had. I love being their mother everyday.

I loved my husband because he never looked at me with judgment, never new about past mistakes and tragedies. Did not know about the abuse I endured and the hurt I felt. He treated me as the person I am now, how I should be treated.

Then when things became hard he went to them, the people I haven’t spoken to since I was a teenager the people who treat me as a wounded sick animal. He believed them, he took their side, he used their words to hurt me and he now looks at me as they do, with judgment.

I can’t love him anymore, he did the one thing that is unforgivable or at least changes things to the point I want to put on my running shoes again. I have worked to hard for too long to be someone different to re-invent myself in to a beautiful women. I do not want to live in my past and no one should have to.

But I will stay for now and be the resilient women I am for my kids.