could be and could have been

Had dinner with another old friend tonight. I fell right back into place with the ease of feeling at home with him. Another one of the few people who know me without knowing all of me, but can hold a conversation about nothing and everything all at the same time. My love and understanding of him after what we went through has grown with my own life experiences in many ways he cannot realize. I miss him all the time or at least the idea of him.

Something he said was…
I must feel like a went through a big horrible accident at times. As I drive through it I look through my rear view mirror and see the dust cloud. I do not stop to check if anyone is injured just keep moving forward.

In many ways this time in my life is like that. I am in a safe non-emotional place, where I can just be. The wreckage is behind me and I am safe.
He asked if I was happy, if I was going to stay here for a while. I said I am safe and my sons need me so nothing was going to change until my older son was out of high school.

WE talked and for a moment I thought he was looking for his own answers of what he would do next. He just came out of a relationship that he had regrets in, that he feels he hurt the other person. I just smiled and said you have to find something that you want that you will not leave no matter how good of an offer someone else gives you. Meaning nothing is worth destroying what you have at that moment and it’s value to you out weighs anything else that comes along.

My husband does not have the ability to really understand me or appreciate me or the compassion to try. We do not have the connection I have had with others. I really do not feel like I am capable of loving another new adult person ever again. But I am safe, and in a way hiding from the wreckage of my past by being a mother. That I cannot and will not destroy, it is my one thing that is worth more than anything to me.

But time-to-time I think about what could be and could have been, or is it all just timing…