Sometimes its almost normal

So today was a productive day. I went to the grocery store, the book store, the home store and picked up a new rug. I can’t forget my awesome ant spray I bought that a friend recommended. Ants be gone!!! OR something like that…

It was normal and I actually ate lunch with the little guy who came along for the adventuress today. I love my baby, he is completely comfortable and enjoyable on our daily walks. I have been doing a little around the new house to make sure things look and feel like a home again.

I finally agreed to go with my husband to see a Doctor. A Stanford Medical Doctor specializing in anxiety disorders. Let the Witch hunt begin! That is what I am calling what my husband has decided to be the only solution to save our marriage. Blame me and find the reason. I guess I have to find some humor in all this it helps make it easier.

I took time during nap time today to reflect make my notes and prepare. I revisited old wounds because they will be opened and exposed during the 2 hour evaluation I have agreed to for now. I am trying to find a reason to keep this relationship. But find the numbness taking over most the time. I have things to do and life to live, no time to feel sorry for anyone.

Sometimes the day can be whatever I want it to be yet feel like another regular day.

Found a neat thing I wrote years ago….

Fools smile, bar scenes, empty hearts, forgotten souls, corner streets, passing by so quickly, and a freeway of dreams out of reach
I am nowhere to be seen yet reaching out I open my mouth to scream, not a sound leaves
I find myself Forgiving you but never letting the grip loosen on feeling the pain you left me
Will saying goodbye release the end of a fantasy an idea a need
Like a door revolving in circles the smiles and faces fade in and out through the glass.
Going nowhere, the same people in a world spin around me trapped
In and out of places searching for something we all lack, while I drag my heart around, hoping to see you looking back
I walk along the wet cold street as another memory pours out of me and then world starts pushing back reminding me where I am at
Unreachable by anyone, the rush of emotion knocks me to the ground and the air escapes my chest I won’t take another chance. I won’t let you use me or ever let you in
So many tears have come and gone more pieces of my heart have broken from what you never said.
Tell me the passions you can not explain tell me secrets and pain, tell me your dreams just believe that what you say will never hurt as much as when you leave
If I take the time the pain would go away, if I die it will be too late
I can still feel you, smell you, and need you, impressions you left within me never let go
leave me alone while I lie awake and never sleep
Days go by and I know you will forget me
Looking past the sky I feel high becoming blind everyday watching everything change before my eyes
Lay me down lay next take the best part of me listen to my voice watch me sleep lead me away from these things
I awake and now know what I should see,
Every star in the sky speaks the same thing, they can walk in and out but I can never leave with my heart always free without letting go and knowing everything
Shadows change the laughter becomes silent, the last taxi is called
Here I am getting in as my heart falls out of my chest and into the gutter once again saying goodbye