Therapy Current Day 2010

Today was another wonderful therapy day.
I do enjoy the conversations it helps me sort things out in my head.
We came to the conclusion after talking myself in circles that I am in doom and gloom mode.
He made a good point that I tend to become a tortured artist when I write. It is true, I have to go inward and become the pain to write about the pain. I am sure I will come through and pull myself out once I am finished.

He was concerned about my non-existent blah type of mood towards my husband and myself. In a way I am like a wild animal being held captive. I am dying and giving up on fighting for my own needs. I really don’t see the point in all the emotional drama of fighting for my basic needs with my husband like the gym, or taking an online class or even working right now. My husband will not change his mind and allow me to do anything I want just because I yell louder. If he cared about me he would want those things for me and I have asked many times. So I am done asking and will just be silent until things change and I can be free again. Until then I will go through the motions and do what needs to be done.

I have been fenced in and no longer have anything of my own to have or hold. Therefore like an animal behind a fence in a cage I am dying. My passion for life is gone and my desire to fight for anything I need has left me.

Sad but true for now… I know what I am doing will inevitably leave me alone and without friends. But sometimes I can’t pull myself out of the hole until I see a reason or way out. I am not depressed just a general lack of interest in the world around me. I feel trapped.

I have my kids and they need me, I have my writing and I need to finish the story. Maybe in a couple years or my next life I will focus on being free.

Nothing else has really changed and therefore I will continue with the past in order to determine what I need to do with my future.