Baby having a baby Life #2/ moving forward 1994

Before I move forward with the story, I should take a moment for a physiological review of my behavior so far in 1994.
Many well known Doctors have told me that my behavior signified a person that could display a tendency to place myself in dangerous situations or maybe I felt superior, invincible, and somehow knowingly placed myself intentionally into some of these dangerous situations expecting to be safe.
I never once thought about anything close to that during the time I was going through what I was going through. I was so naive to the outside world it was like an out of body experience. I never realized wondering the streets at my age to be anymore dangerous than my mother’s home, a hospital where I was abused, a foster home where I was abused more or any other place I moved to get away from the last. I was just lost. I was just looking to feel safe, I never felt out of danger no matter where I went, I was always terrified of being harmed. I was trying to find somewhere to feel normal and safe again.
With that in mind Doctors had said why didn’t you trust the system? Why not ask for help? The system and those closest to me were the ones hurting me. I had Kaiser Medical Insurance for most of my youth. They just did whatever my parents told them too and trusted that. Plus I am sure they were making plenty of money off me. Then most the other places I went I was moved from every year. If I wasn’t moving I was packing or unpacking. The minute I felt a little comfortable I was told I had to leave. I was looking for what I have always been looking for, a safe place I didn’t have to move out of and could unpack long enough to call home. Maybe the way I went about it was unsafe? I was not aware at the time that the world was really capable of doing any harm to me. I also figured nothing could be worse than what had already been done.

Now Baby having a baby


Finally at 17 I moved in with who I thought was a Man I could love and loved me. It was the Boy I met in high school with 4 brothers and a single mother. I moved in with BJ and his friends to a Condo in Clayton CA. I hadn’t spoken to my parents in years nothing not even a letter. I had another little job waiting tables and thought my life was pretty normal so far… I was trying to put down roots and stay still, be happy, have friends, and do normal things.
It was New Year’s 1994 when I got pregnant at age 17 and BJ was 21, the father. (I am sure anyone with a daughter right now is cringing.) I had been with BJ for a couple years he didn’t handle it well to say the least. I made the decision to keep the baby then did the unthinkable and called my parents.
My mother said “figured you were always a little whore and would be pregnant or dying from aids by now” My father was excited about a grandchild.

I moved into an apartment with BJ alone and tired to make it work. I became ill with toxemia, and my hormones, body breast everything was out of control. I was an emotional wreck. That drove BJ to leaving me around 2 months pregnant. So I lost it and melted into a deep depression, pregnant, alone, at seventeen. My only friend left just like everyone else and I didn’t handle it well, I was raging from the abandonment issues. My moods during those years where very volatile anything triggered me to cry scream, and hide in closets. After what I went through already I would freak out over little things, writing obsessively or just hiding afraid to go outside. Nothing was ever stable but this little baby boy inside me giving me the worst heartburn ever. I loved my son even before he was born, he didn’t leave me, and well he couldn’t at least.

My father made the pregnancy the best experience it could be. He took me to the doctor’s appointments made fun of my huge belly or how I would waddle. I was huge and gained almost 100 pounds total during the pregnancy. It was amazing to see this little boy grow, move and kick me all the time. I sang to him his lullaby at bedtime talked to him about the people he would meet when he arrived. My dad talked to him too. I always told my son how special he was to me how his life will not be easy with me but all my love and entire heart would belong only to him. His lullaby was “Castle on a Cloud” from Le Miserable I sang it to him every night when I was pregnant and after he was born.

My son’s father did not come back until I asked him to be there for the delivery. I asked my father and mother to be there as well. My father didn’t leave my side for the whole 17 hours and videotaped everything. My labor was very difficult as hard as the pregnancy. They induced labor and made it extremely painful. Out came my son a little over 8 pounds and close to 24 inches long. He had the biggest hands and feet it was really funny. My son was a peaceful baby, just opened his eyes and looked up to me. It took the doctors hours to stitch me up, my father just cried and didn’t leave till they were done. They kept me in the hospital for over a week from the tearing and bleeding. My son was born October 6th 1995 I just stared at him and wouldn’t let him go, I wouldn’t move for days and kept him close to me. I think I knew before anyone one else what we were about to face in this lifetime. Maybe a part of me felt scared of what my son would now face in this life. I knew it was not going to be easy for him or me. I truly believe he knew it too.
People came in and out of the hospital to visit, but my son and I were in this bubble together so the rest of the world didn’t matter anymore.

I named him with my fathers and my last name and, I gave him my little brother’s name for the middle name. After we went home BJ tried to be with me and even asked to marry me a couple times but I didn’t love him and I didn’t want a man in my life who leaves me just because it became difficult to be with me.

I started to realize after having the baby that BJ was not a very nice man for me. He had been controlling me in ways I never saw before. I wasn’t allowed to have my own bank account, car, or say in how money was spent. I was not allowed to go places unless he drove me or knew ahead of time. I was not allowed to have an opinion, because in his mind the mans word was the last word. I later found out he had been seeing other women while I was pregnant and continued to after the baby was born.

It is amazing what you do not see when you are so desperate for someone to love you. I thought this man loved me until I held that baby and realized what love really was. Then I looked at BJ and realized I was a possession to him nothing more.
I was feeling suffocated again and the control issues where overwhelming for me so I made the difficult decision. I left with the baby, and decided to be alone. If I knew what I knew now I would have ran and disappeared forever.

BJ turned out to be not only the wrong man for me but also an abusive one for my son and me. I don’t think BJ will ever get over the fact I left him. He will be angry with me till the day he dies for not doing what I was told… At least that is what he told me a few years ago.