With all the bad things that happened to me or by my doing during my childhood it would lead some to wonder was there anything good to come from it all?? I guess that depends on what I choose to make it…
I can say the good things I took from my childhood experiences are the fact we always had family dinners together almost every night. We had Monday night family night and sometimes the religious talk or Book of Mormon study was boring but we spent that time as a family. There was always music in the house, there was always an art influence and there was always plenty of communication. My mother had traditions of our Dutch heritage we did every year by celebrating Sinter Claus on the 4th of December or the birthday songs sung in Dutch. The cooking was incredible, my mother made everything from scratch. She would grind wheat for bread and make our names out of Chocolate. She taught me to cook anything and everything, some recipes I have kept from my grandmother and her over the years. All the kids had their very own lullaby my mother sung to us when we where kids. My lullaby was “blue bird of happiness” she sang it to me as an infant every night.
My parents may have fought but they made a marriage last through everything now 40 plus years. That is amazing!
My family all owned their own businesses and had a very entrepreneur hard working spirit that was taught to us by example. We all worked in the house or in my fathers Dentistry practice, my grandfather owned his own insurance business, by aunts and uncles had their own businesses. Therefore we were all taught to work and work hard.
If I look back some of these positive lessons I have carried with me into my adult life. I have also consciously chosen not to carry the bad experiences in to my adult life and become a different kind of mother than what I had. I do not place so much control and judgment on my children’s life or my own life. I approach things honestly or at least try even when I don’t know the answer or what to do in the given situation. I admit that I do not know everything and try to find the answers. I have an open communication with my kids and most my relationships in my life. A no bullshit approach for the most part. You would be surprised how many people are shocked when someone actually means exactly what he or she says sometimes. It is like your speaking in a different language.
SOME of My Journal Entries 1990-1994
Age 10-15
#1
To all the children who lost their soul
To all the adults who thought they were alone
To anyone who believed they were the only one who walked on a broken road
everyone has pain within their lives
Then there are those who choose to make a change instead of just survive
#2
Love is not forever love does not complete the circle we live our lives in.
The moment you turn your back one by one they come to knock you down and take there love back. Love is not family nor is it the answer to a prayer.
I guess I know now what the song said when they sang love does not live here any more. Love is not a gift of the heart when there are no hearts to be found.
Love does not find a way when things get to hard and love will never guide you through the darkest part of your life. Love is not a hero that conquers all, it only exists in a fairytale a story told to dreamers long ago. Love shows no mercy, and unconditional love never existed at all. Time to put away the toys the dreams the stories once told because as the song goes love does not live here anymore. I would rather live alone I would rather fade into the earth than believe in such a lie as love. So the lesson of life has been discovered and the reality unfolds. That love never lived and to believe in things that can not be touched or seen should be left in the books of fairytales to be bought and sold.
#3
Shattered dreams and broken hearts were very minor parts of this masquerade that I have so nicely displayed, because according to the rules I am a failure and a fool. Masks were made and they handed out roles, a perfect play to cover a story that will soon unfold. But soon a mistake was made, so according to the rules I am a failure and a fool. As the play took its toll a voice spoke the secret of her role, and just before she lifted her masks she stopped, but according to the rules I am a failure and a fool. The happy smile or joyful laugh the others choose to take that path and believe the masquerade. Yet she failed again and chose to speak the truth. What she realized at last, that according to their rules I am a failure and a fool. Then as years went by they went their way and she went hers she finally realized, according to my rules I will choose whether or not to be a failure and a fool.
#4
The last door is shut the curtains closed, and I am not letting you through any more walls. I am tired of hurting, but hurt is all I have got. You expect me to slip and screw up, to be drug away, but I will never let you have your way. You try so hard to cause me pain and make me misbehave. Even when you sent every one I loved away I was brave. So what comes next when there is nothing left for you to take. You say you love me, but I am loved more by people who hate. So now you have pushed me away, I dare you! I dare you to hit me with your pain! Then you will be drug away.
#5
The different child that never did what she was told. The different child that was teased and called horrible things, The different child that was never understood the different child that was always alone. The different child that did things her own way. Even though she was so different from the rest, on the inside she was the greatest of all. As the years went by that child became the very best at everything, because she dared to be different.
#6
If you were to take the time would the pain go away. If I die will it be too late. A meaning a reason to go on I will never know. They focus on what you do how far you go. I wish I could relate. I wish I knew what they wanted what I am supposed to do. Do I throw it all away or continue the circle of anger, confusion and hate.
Because Someday you will be old and I will need to Care for you.
#7
If I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take, but it is too late to take my soul my heart is gone and I am cold. I have died so long ago. My face seems pure my eyes so bright but I can not see the real answer with in me, that it has always been me. I pretend I am fine and say everything is o.k. I can never admit the truth because the truth would mean defeat. A fool was I who played the game of living in a world of shame. So I sit and wonder will I ever be safe in the world of lies I have created in my own space.
#8
A child’s place far away under the sea far away from this place. Where I can go at my own pace. Where there are no strong currents to pull me this way or that. But soft flowing waterfalls, rivers, and streams flowing to the ocean of my dreams. As I look into the water my reflection looks so clean and happy so free. I see the blues and green the colors of my dreams. I reach to touch them but there still so far away. A tear falls from heaven, putting clear ripples in the way. It calms and the water is clear no color, just a glowing light of fear blocking my way. I can’t touch it but I feel the warmth. The power of the light new and strong, the fear is so bright. Tears start to fall from my face and touch the water dimming the light. The light disappears and there are my dreams so beautiful and clear. I reach down and pick them up holding them close to my heart knowing we will never be apart. The fear has dimmed and our strength is one, forever together forever as one. I have beaten this fear my strength made these dreams so clear.
#9
Hold on hold on to something that is always nothing in the end. The smallest strings lifting me up are breaking one by one. The biggest hole is where I fall to my death. Branches break as I fall wind rushes past my cheeks covered in tears. The last piece of my identity catches me and silence of a lonely world consumes everything. I put my feet one by one down feeling the cold ground beneath me. Only once only then will the cold disappear. Skies turn blue and gray night becomes dark and longer then the days. I have no strength to save no breath to take. Time is passing by passing threw me. The whisper of a forgotten soul is all I hear saying hold on hold on to something.
#10
Finding a place to call your own. Figuring reality will never last. I stand on the edge of the cliffs and wait for the stars to take me away. Spinning into the illusion of a dream wondering how far away this one can be. Passing time, hopes will never find what seems to be the only thing. As the little streams flow from the mountains to the gutters ending in the sea. Touching every part of the world connecting us all it seems so simple so perfect. I wake up in bed no one to be found except for me. When did I get so far away from the stream? Nothing to hold on to when you’re in the middle of a river drowning in your own screams.
#11
Here comes a rush of pain again as I drag threw the mud.
Help before I cry
stories trapped
I am still alive
Midnight awake again I hope for daylight
choose a side
remember for once in your life
I will exist
my heart before you leave, try again, don’t shut them out
my only friend, find yourself in another lie again
so strange the way things turn
My face has two sides
Give up the pain scatter my fears
And I return Yet another soul survived
#12
I can’t feel anymore when there is nothing left to loose
I can’t cry anymore when there is nothing left for you to bruise
I know the game of life but never play by the rules
I can be honest I can never lie
I can open my heart and always try
But now there is nothing left for you to take
Nothing left to fear when I have already been here
I am not afraid to be alone
Not afraid to do anything on my own
I live to make it through the day
Then watch it all be taken away
I was perfect once just like you
I smiled once and faked it to
I thought I was in love and realized I was a fool
The deception and lies have scared my life
And there are wounds that will never heal with time
Yet I still believe if I have me everything will turn out right
Now there is nothing left for you to take
Nothing I can give away
And nothing left to fear when I have already been here
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