New Life away from HOME… 1993-1994 LIFE #2

With Life Number one out of the way I started on my second life or chapter drug free. This will not be the first time I start Drug Free in my life, I seem to repeat mistakes time to time……
Here we go…


If you remember, after I left my parents house at 15, I went out into the world they kept the nice little pure bubble with them that they raised me in and I unknowingly walked into oncoming traffic.
Being raised in a Mormon household with my parents was another universe. I used to wonder is my mother really that cruel or just naive? She is naïve.

I never knew about coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, and forget about sex I wasn’t allowed to do that unless husband said I could, or wanted a baby. For the first time in my life I was allowed to choose underwear in any color even bikini cut. Some may say that is “no biggy” but you weren’t tormented for having white granny panties sticking out of your jeans because you had to roll them down. If I only knew what would happen next I would have packed up and left town.
First in my new unmediated state I was sent to Grandma’s house (my mothers biological mother) and Grandpa Devon’s (her husband she married I think 6 times). They were property managers, Jazz Musicians living unmarried and in sin at the time! They were childhood sweethearts and were married after my parents, parents (the biological grandparents) divorced. Devon was the best Jazz pianist I ever heard he could play anything from memory, anything just asks. He taught me to sing all the old Jazz tunes and encouraged me to belt them out at any moment, Grandma was colorful originally her family was from Holland. Fun people, they had me stay in the apartment next to theirs, once I finally started eating and being normal well as normal as could be expected. I would take off a lot and disappear for days at a time. The medication was still working its way out of my system and all the abuse I went through made me act strange. I would rebel and leave trying to find somewhere to escape even though I new it was safe at my Grandmothers.

I would end up alone on the streets and was gang rapped once in Benicia after drinking for the first time then found wondering alone somewhere. I don’t know why I would leave; I guess I was trying to get out of my own skin and away from the nightmares. I don’t remember a large about of the rape just flashes backs with boys putting their penises in my mouth and other places. When I woke up I was bleeding from my vagina and hurt everywhere.
I went home to grandmothers finally a few days later and never said anything. I blocked most of these types of experiences out over the years. It was all very fuzzy most the time and I was unaware of my own body.

Finally one day, I was visited by a social worker. She informed me my mother and father along with my extended family had been fighting over the years regarding if my uncle molested me or not. That my parents had filed with the courts to legally abandoned me making me a ward of the court so they were no longer financially responsible for me. They still wanted to tell my grandmother how to raise me but wanted nothing to do with me at the same time.
OK STOP!!!
I can’t tell you how devastating it is to hear your own parents are filing to legally abandoned you in court. I still don’t know how to feel about it all I can say is it really sucks. How is any child supposed to feel hen someone tells you your parents do not want you and are willing to basically make it legal, like a divorce, in court.
Therefore anyone wondering why I have no loyalty to my parents, this is one of the main reasons. There are many more to come but this one started a large amount of the damage or reasons of why I am the way I am today.

I never responded and never will to the whole uncle molesting me question. It is not a battle I wanted to participate in, my wounds are mine and I will not allow those people to use me to fuel their dispute. Therefore I will never comment, and actually really couldn’t tell you what happened if I wanted to at this point.

Since my parents made their decision to pursuer this direction my wonderful grandpa (mothers father) stepped in and hired an attorney to counter sue my parents (or something like that) and the family fun began. They had a trial and I won, I think my grandmother was awarded emotional damages and made my legal guardian. I don’t really remember other than the money went to Grandma and Devon. Who were also awarded child support? My father at that time made $500,000 a year so I am sure it was enough.

I had what I needed and was off all the medication so I tried high school for a while but never really adapted to normal life. I went back and forth to different schools moved a lot and never had any stability since then.

I had met a guy around age 16 named BJ. He was tall older than me by 4 years. I don’t really remember a lot as I mentioned just moving around going to school sometimes and trying. Which wasn’t really working for me, my Grandmother did her best but she moved once a year with me in tow. I was shell shocked from everything. I spent time with BJ and his brothers most the time. There were 4 brothers they were being raised by their single mother who was a night nurse. That meant we did whatever we wanted to do. They smoked drank had older friends that did drugs well at least I think? They figured out how naive I was and kept me out of most of that stuff. At one point my Grandmother sent me to go live there than back to a foster home then back to Grandma’s house.

Foster homes in California are horrible places, they let the other girls beat me up then took my clothes and anything that wasn’t nailed down. The foster mother didn’t care as long as she got her check. They stole, did drugs and the housemother sold them cigarettes when they asked for them. I endured more abuse than good once again at that house, with minimal supervision. Still being as naive as I was, being a ward of the court is not place for a girl, or young women in my shoes after what I had been through. I felt discarded once again, and was alone. I tried getting a job since I was also getting my GED, but found it difficult to focus. I had waitressing jobs at places like Denny’s or Carrows, I would just work time to time so I could have something to do besides be harassed in the foster home.