Selfish/ Current Day 2010

The last couple days have been emotional.
I enjoy my time with the kids but my heart aches is for my cousin and granny in the hospital waiting to hear news about what this mass in my cousins head could be. They have sent the second biopsy out to pathology and no results have come back yet. Today was also my Granny’s anniversary of her first child death I can only imagine the stress she is feeling…

While all the things in my life are moving forward good and bad. I went back to my angry place and vented on my Granny’s best friend. We exchanged some emails about my life and the issues I am facing here at home with the recent betrayal of trust with my husband and my own journey of writing about my past life. I feel awful for putting any burden on her. It is not that I do not trust her, I trust her as I trust my Granny. I trust she will not judge me or look at my badly for venting. However I can’t help feeling guilty for being so selfish. My life problems are nothing compared to those of so many others and I should be thankful for what I have. My health, my children, a home. At the same time it felt good or it was a relief to share with another person. I rarely get the chance to share my life with anyone, openly and honestly. So many people seem overwhelmed with my energy or venting. It is the same story from poor me but a different day. I hate being selfish and eventually end up regretting I burdened someone else with my thoughts or problems.

Granny’s best friend has been apart of her life for 35 plus years and she is a wonderful wise honest women. I truly admire her.
It wasn’t my intension to vent or trouble her, I guess I just thought it was a safe person to say things out loud to and that was very selfish of me.

The voices of so many negative influences in my past life sometimes make me so insecure I get anxious and in a way explode from the anxiety. So many people have told me I will never be understood, loved, or be good enough. I hate to admit I even sometimes think my Granny does not really love me the way I love her and she just pretends to be my family. I know it is awful to say something I know is not true. I guess the past sometimes does effect our future in ways we cannot control. For me it is my deep insecurity or fear of never being accepted for who I am. It is the dishonesty of so many people in my past who have pretended to be my friend or said I love you then only to turn around and use my vulnerability, or compassion for others to hurt me that makes me continually wonder who I can really trust?

From that insecurity came my selfishness and need to talk to someone about me when I should be focused on my kids and cousin right now.

I do love that I can talk to Granny’s best friend; I know when she said call anytime she meant it. I know if I needed it bad enough I could call my Granny. But I find myself turning inward more and more everyday in fear of allowing my problems to consume me and make me this angry selfish person I know I can be at times.

I can never be good enough without trying to be better; I can never be strong enough unless I am willing to change. So I will focus on being a less selfish person and try to have faith that my Granny and Cousins love me. I am loved for who I am by my children; I am good enough today and tomorrow I will face trying to not be selfish.